Our hospital bag is all packed. I actually had packed one for the babies a couple of weeks back, but I hadn't packed one for us yet, so I did that today. Then, I decided to go back and recheck the babies' bag to make sure there wasn't anything I was forgetting. The hospital basically says that you hardly need anything at all, and to only pack something to take a baby home in; they provide everything else. But if feels very sparse to just pack a couple of outfits! So, I ended up adding more things to the babies' bag today that I probably won't need, but that made it feel more complete - things like cute burp cloths, blankets and pacifiers.
When I originally packed the bag, it was just another task on my list that I completed and marked off. But when I went back to it today it seemed like a more personal experience because we are so close to the reality of the babies using these things. I had a strange first time feeling of being a mom! Perhaps if you are pregnant you feel like a mom earlier because you are constantly with your baby. Even though I have seen and felt our babies many times, it just doesn't connect with me that I'm a mom. I don't *feel* like a mom. But there was something about preparing the bag with these little personal items today - picking out the perfect first things for our babies - that struck me as mom-ish more so than anything else in the last 8 months. It felt more personal even than preparing the nursery. Maybe it's because it felt more like an every day mom duty (packing a bag of what the babies will need that day) as opposed to one monumental task of a whole "standing" nursery.
The funny thing is, despite this fleeting experience, I am dreading walking into the hospital with the bag! I don't even know how to explain this, but I get really embarrassed in strange ways. In this case, I know I will feel like a fraud carrying a big baby bag into the hospital; I feel like everyone will be looking at me thinking, "That girl doesn't look natural with that bag! She doesn't have a baby!" And how will they know this? They won't. But it's my imagination. I never, ever, ever want to look like I don't know what I am doing. It reminds me of earlier this year when B convinced me to join the gym with him for a couple of months. We went to the gym the first time and all the treadmills were on the upper floor surrounding the lower weight floor, looking down. I was mortified because I didn't know how to use the weights and literally started crying at the gym. This would have never happened if there weren't people around. But I perceived that everyone was looking at me from the upper floor and I called the next day to cancel my membership! When it comes to anything academic or career, I have the confidence to conquer the world. That's just my realm of comfort. The gym and babies - not so much. Even sitting here thinking about it, I am turning red picturing myself walking in with the bag! I'm even embarrassed to have it in front of J & R or our family! What is wrong with me?! LOL It just seems so unnatural that *I* would have a baby bag. I think I'll feel the same the first time I roll out of the house with a stroller. Come to think of it, I think I felt this way the first time I wore a cheerleading outfit to school. I guess any time in life you go "public" in a new role, you feel a bit like this. The hospital bag has come to represent the sign of my new role as a mom. :)
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4 comments:
If it makes you feel more comfortable, I'll carry the bag and we can act like I'm checking in for outpatient surgery. Or we could get that giant blue duffel bag out of the garage and I could put you in it. Is that overkill?
lol - B! You and N make a great team!
Social Pressure, roles and perfectionism sometimes clash. I totally get what you are saying N. But I also know that those feelings may hang around for a while but not for long. Maybe you need to really throw yourself into it. Get a t-shirt made that says "Expecting two miracles" so you won't leave a doubt in anyone's mind that you do belong there and there is nothing out of place about you.
Our hospital said the same thing about only needing an outfit to go home in but I too feel strange about it. So I will overpack like I always do and then remark afterwards "Why did I bring so much stuff?!?!?!"
I can't wait to see pictures of you and B holding your babies!
Big hugs to you lady.
It's funny, I still don't feel like a mom. I feel like people look at me and think "She can't possibly have kids." And like you, the mundane task of folding their laundry actually makes me feel the most mom-like. And don't worry about walking around with a bag and looking like a fraud. There are a ton of people in the maternity ward. And once you have those babies, you'll just make all the other moms jealous b/c they'll be like "Man, she looks sooo good for just having those 2 babies. And she's up walking around already!". ;)
And I love B's idea of the duffel bag. :)
I get what your saying about feeling like you might not belong but if you knew how many people come in and out of the maternity ward you wouldn't be so scared. Many people bring bags that haven't delivered to the baby and moms there, husbands, grandmas, aunts and the like because birth just happened too fast or unexpected and moms aren't prepared.
So noone will think any different or be staring you down. I can see how it might be scary though to walk through. Your going to do great and be the best looking mom in the ward!!!
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