God, Infertility, Faith, and Prayer

Wow, I think I just undertook a big post with a title like that. :)

I have been a Christian my whole life. I was raised in a Christian home, later accepted Christ and got baptized by my choice, married a Christian man, and actively work to grow as a Christian woman through reading the Bible, going to church and praying. That said, faith has never come easily for me. On a spectrum from completely right brained to completely left brained, I am about as far on the left brain analytical end as humanly possible. I want things to line up perfectly. I want logic to work everything out. I love intellectual pursuits for the purpose of a more perfect understanding of the things that interest me. No matter how much I study over the course of my life, however, I will never figure out with 100% certainty how God works, or understand the answers to many questions I have about my own faith. There is simply a lot we do not know, and for whatever reason that must have been how it was intended or we would have been given more instruction on the fine details of this world. Honestly, I really hate that! I WANT all the answers, and my analytical nature is a stumbling block to my faith. Over the course of the battle with infertility I had reason to really question things even more. It was a trying time for my faith, for sure, pushing my questioning to the farthest boundaries. I can unequivocally say that I am more solid in my faith now than ever before, thanks to the struggles I have been through. For that, I am grateful. But I certainly still have plenty of questions. Here are some of the things I have pondered especially, some of the things I have learned, and some of the things I still struggle with. There is no particular order.

Why Me?/Life is Unfair
I don't know if an infertile person has ever walked the earth who didn't at any point in the battle ask, "why me?" Rarely does someone start to try to conceive thinking, "man, I really think it is going to take years for this to happen, thousands of dollars, and many procedures". So, when it happens to you, the first thought is WHY? For Christians, this can take on even more painful implications, depending on your view of God and His sovereignty. Without getting into a deep theology here, let me just say that people have varying views on God's level of involvement in the world. There are Christians who think that God is responsible for everything that happens on earth - that even when terrible things happen, it is all part of His plan and for a reason. This is the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy. On the other end of the spectrum, there are Christians who think that God set the world in motion and still has relationship with people, but rarely intervenes; this is the "bad things happen in the world due to the presence of sin, but God didn't necessarily cause them" philosophy. Then you have everything in the middle.

If you believe that there is truly a reason for everything, the why me question looms like a mountain burden. Every time you see someone who is pregnant, you think, "why did God bless her with a baby and not me?" Or worse, when you see someone who is pregnant and really shouldn't be having kids for various reasons, you think, "what is God finding so wrong with me that even THAT person is able to have a baby?" It feels as though God is singling you out to miss out on one of life's most precious gifts. It can completely lead you to feel like a worthless person; you must be such a terrible person that God would rather have just about everyone else out there reproduce than you. Reproduction is at the core of female desire; to feel like God is actively deciding that you should not have a baby is a life-shattering feeling. Thought of purely in this view, the outcome is extreme sadness and grief. Extending it a little further, it becomes extreme anger at the unfairness. I have seen many discussion on message boards over the years about the "why me" question and it is the number one thing that leads so many women battling infertility to give up on their faith. It seems too impossible to imagine that God would not grant you something you so desperately want when there seem to be people all around you who should not have it but do.

For me personally, I have never been an "everything happens for a reason" person. I believe that God is active in the world, intervening in various ways (see below on a discussion of prayer), but I do not believe that He is guiding every thing that happens. I was born with endometriosis. I don't think God singled me out for that. It's just the nature of this existence that there is sickness and imperfection, and we all suffer in our own ways - some to a greater degree than others. Because of this view, I never thought God had singled me out for infertility. But because I believe in prayer, I thought God was actively turning away from me when I didn't get pregnant. The other view of God's sovereignty I described above leads to a sad response - why would God do this to me in the first place? This view of God's sovereignty leads to bitterness - why won't God change this, even though he didn't do it in the first place? It's sort of an interesting analysis if you think about it. You can almost always look at the emotion someone has toward God during infertility and guess what their view of God's sovereignty is. Different emotions come from different theological premises.

My bitterness completely consumed me while I was going through all the IVFs. While crying and crying over failed cycles, I just kept sobbing to B, "but why does so and so get to have a baby? and what about so and so?" etc. I was very much focused on comparing myself to others because I just couldn't believe that God wouldn't "lift me to their level" of having a baby. I was a good person. I was a Christian. I prayed. I helped others. Why wouldn't he give me a baby too?

I came away with two major insights/learnings on this issue. First, to ever think "why me" on any issue is quite arrogant. Totally natural, totally understandable, but totally arrogant. Who was I to think that I somehow HAD to be given what other people were given? God loves everyone equally, and there is no reason at all that we all need to have equal situations for Him to do so. He loves us the same no matter our situation, so he doesn't need to take any particular action to "make us more equal". The second thing is the flip side to the question: "Why NOT me?" When bad things happen, we are quick to ask, why me? But when we see the hurt and suffering in the world around us, we are not quick to ask, "why is that NOT happening to me?" It's just as unfair that people are starving and I'm not as it is that I could not have a baby and others can. We just like to be on the positive side of the equation.

God's Timing
There are plenty of Christians who don't believe in fertility treatments because they believe you should just wait on God's timing. This is a really difficult thing for people going through infertility to hear. It is usually said when the person doesn't understand the medical issues involved. Interestingly, this one comes back to one's view of God's sovereignty as well. If you believe that God directs every aspect of your life, then it would make sense to wait on God's timing for your pregnancy. I have read SO many frustrated message board posts on this topic - Christians waiting on God's timing and refusing to do any form of treatment. I respect people who make this decision because it takes an enormous amount of faith and can lead to a lot of pain in questioning God as well.

I personally didn't struggle much on this particular issue, given my view on God's sovereignty. I believe that God gave us the tools in this world to do the best we can, as long as it is in a moral and ethical way. When we have a cut that gets infected, we do something about it...we generally don't wait on God's timing for the infection to go away. We go to the doctor. When I had a laparoscopy, the doctor said that my ovaries were literally attached to the back of my uterus with my tubes wrapped around them. While I believe that God is capable of anything, and could have fixed that simply by prayer if He chose, I believe He works just as much through the capable hands of doctors to fix this kind of thing. No matter how long I would have been waiting for God's timing, it was physically impossible for me to get pregnant naturally. Again, miracles are always possible, but I believe they are the exception rather than the rule, and that we have been giving tools on earth to be proactive with. I have a cousin who died of cancer because she refused treatment, saying that she was going to wait for God to heal her. I just don't think that is what He intended.

When people mention God's timing, I give them this analogy: if I have an amputated leg, no amount of waiting longer is going to make that leg grow back. God created the laws of the universe and we live within them. Infertility is no different in that it is a medical problem and some things need to be fixed. God is capable of working miracles at any time, but it is His choice when that will happen and in the meantime we need to work with what He has given us. At the end of the day, if you really ARE scooping God's timing, God is more powerful than you and can stop anything from going forward at any time. If you went ahead of God's timing and did a treatment that He doesn't want to work yet, He is entirely capable of ensuring it doesn't work!

Trust in God

It is a standard Christian phrase to tell people "just trust in the Lord". This is one I really struggle with. When I hear people say that they are waiting to get pregnant and they trust in the Lord that they will, to be honest I'm not sure what to think. People on message boards have blinkies that say "The Lord keeps his promises". Yes, the Lord keeps his promises, but he never promised that Christians (or anyone else) will have a perfect life, that he will answer every prayer in the way you think it should be answered, or that every person will have biological children. That just isn't Biblical. When people say they trust in the Lord that they will get pregnant, it leaves me confused. I know the Bible tells us to make our desires known to God and to believe that He will answer prayers, but at the same time He doesn't guarantee that his answer to prayer is the one you want - for whatever reason. People used to tell me to trust in the Lord that everything will work out. But what does that mean? That everything will work out the way I desperately desire? That everything will work out one way or another (that's not very inspiring)? That everything will work out according to his plan, which must be perfect by definition (that only works if you have a micro-view of God's sovereignty, which I do not, as discussed above)? If you do not believe that God orchestrates everything that happens in the world, and you do not believe that God answers every prayer the way people want, what does that leave that you are trusting in? I have pondered this a lot given how frequenty it comes up. I've come to the conclusion that either 1) the person saying it does believe that everything happens according to God's plan and that whatever happens is for the best because that is how God planned it (so you theoretically are trusting in the best outcome even if it's not what you want) or 2) the person saying it isn't really thinking about what they are saying or 3) the person is saying that no matter what happens in this life, trust that God has a master plan and in eternity this will all make sense. This manifests itself in many different ways, but I now interpret it personally as number 3. Trusting in God to me means exactly that. We need to trust God for the big picture, but it isn't necessarily Biblical to "trust in God" for specific outcomes. I think that connotation is used in far too many contexts without people really thinking through the implications of it.

This macro view has actually helped me have a different outlook on the world; one more focused on eternity as a whole rather than just this life. We do not have reasons or explanations for most of the sheer "crap" that happens on earth. But the Bible tells us of a perfect eternity after this life and if you are led to believe in God and in the Bible, we can trust very specifically in that.

Healing

We go to a "mega church" as they are called now - about 12,000 people attend one of 5 services (here is our church if you are curious: http://www.marinerschurch.org/). Our church has periodic healing services. To be honest, I didn't know what to think of that when they said we would be having one. The church I grew up in didn't do anything like that, and was just sort of a "laid back" non-demoninational congregation. Quite honestly, the idea of even seeing a healing service intimidated me because I thought of the big tents that a church in my hometown used to put up every year and I always had a negative view of that. I pictured people on TV throwing the palms of their hands against someone's forehead and then that person tumbling to the ground shaking. (I don't want to judge the authenticity of that, but I'm just saying I have always been uncomfortable with the notion.)

When the first healing service Sunday came, I almost felt nauseated walking in. First, because I was uncomfortable with the idea, second, because I knew we had a legitimate reason to go forward and I didn't know what we would do. When that part of the service started, it was much less dramatic than what I expected. They just had several groups of people at the front of the church, and if you needed/wanted prayer for healing, you could join the line up and when you got to the front, you would be directed to someone to pray with you. Really, it was just a time for the church body as a whole to be invited for healing prayer. Now, don't get me wrong, I was still terrified to go forward, but as the streams of people started going down, I knew we belonged there too. B is just as reserved as I am about this kind of thing, so when I say it was a huge deal that we got up and joined the line, it was a HUGE DEAL. It was such an emotional moment that we both cried and held each other as we stood in line and waited to get to the front. I was so nervous to tell someone what was going on. We were just about to start our first IVF. I prayed the whole time in line that we would be called up to one specific pastor because he was the only person up there I was familiar with (though we hadn't met). I felt like God answered that prayer because, of all the many people at the front, when we got there, they directed us straight to him. We cried as we recounted what brought us there and he prayed with us. It was a difficult but special moment. It was the most humbling thing I have ever done in my entire life. To admit that something is so wrong, so troubling that you need someone to pray over you in the hope that God will bring healing is very, very humbling...and also very freeing.

I felt that because we had done something so significant at the service, and we were doing our first IVF, God was going to answer our prayers and give me a "healing service miracle" I would never forget. I thought that this was what God was going to use to "prove" to me He was there and that my faith in Him was correct. I'll admit, when the IVF failed, one of the first things that came to mind is that we were NOT healed at that service. I felt stupid.

A few months later, there was another service. More nausea because this time I didn't even know if it made sense for us to go up. We went before. We asked for healing. We were not healed. But then they played a video about someone who went up for multiple healing services and we decided to go again. It was less scary that time, knowing what to expect. But I also wasn't sure what to ask for at that point. I again prayed in the line, this time that we would just get someone who would truly, truly understand our situation. I just wanted someone to relate to us. When we got to the front, we were directed to a middle-aged couple. We started telling our story and why we were there and tears came to both of their eyes...they shared that they had gone through the same thing years before and had 12 year old triplets through infertility treatments. It sent chills through my body, as it does right now thinking about it, given my prayer in line. It was so comforting to know that of ALL the many people praying in the front, God wanted me to know that He was there, and He knew what we needed at that point in time.

An atheist would read this and say, "God never healed you! How can you believe?" Here is what I would say based on what I have learned. There are many ways a person can be healed. I have no idea why God did not want to heal me directly. I have no doubt in my mind that J and I were put together in this surrogacy as God's answer to our prayers. Why would He choose to heal our situation in this way and not just heal me directly? I really don't know. Perhaps being pregnant would have been life threatening to me - just as one possible reason of many. But God did heal us - he healed our hearts by answering our prayers through J. Why doesn't God heal everyone then? Why doesn't he answer all prayers? That's my last topic.

Unanswered Prayers

This is, by far, the most difficult thing for me. I know that God doesn't answer every prayer. Sometimes there are obvious reasons. If someone complains that God didn't give them a million dollars as they prayed for it, I understand why. If I pray that God help me find my misplaced camera and I never find it, I understand that maybe it's just a trivial thing that is not meant for prayer. But why God chooses to answer some prayers and not others, when all else is equal, is baffling. It's hard. It challenges me.

I still get wrapped up in reading other people's IVF journies. My heart is pained for people who are still in the midst of the battle. I know that some will ultimately be successful and others will not. I know that people on both sides of that outcome are currently praying about it. But I don't know why God will answer some and not others.

Here is what I do know about our answered prayer: I did not deserve it. I did nothing, absolutely nothing, that made me more deserving of an answered prayer than anyone else. I did not pray better, trust better, give to charity better, live better than many of those who will not have an answered prayer in this matter. Talk about the question, "why me?"...I really wonder, "why me?" in this case. I know it wasn't for my gold star faith; the night before we found out we were pregnant I wrote the most scathing and angry personal journal entry directed at God, thinking that the cycle didn't work. I certainly didn't "deserve" to get a positive test the next day through J. This I know for certain: it is only through God's grace and not through anything which I deserve that this prayer was answered. He answered my prayers in spite of me, not because of me. That may be the biggest lesson of all for my life. Prayer is not about what you deserve. You may deserve something you never receive, and you may receive something you never deserved. God chooses to answer some prayers and not others, but it is by HIS choice and His reasons are not our reasons. We simply will not know in this life the whys behind all of His answers. It will be baffling at times, devastating at times, joyful at times.

When I found out that J had gotten a positive test for the first time, it was via email at about 6:30 in the morning, in a very silent living room. But in that quiet moment I felt God's presence more than any time in my life. I literally felt surrounded by a joyful presence in the room, as if He was standing there smiling; as if he was celebrating the answered prayer with me. I almost expected to see something, the feeling was so strong. God must delight in answered prayers.

Based on this whole experience, I will never have any doubt that this pregnancy was an answered prayer. I will just never know, "why me?"