(As an aside to this post, we had our first non-stress test today and the babies were...non-stressed! We go back on Friday for the next one. They are twice a week until delivery. The only bad thing is that Kenna has flipped and is no longer head down. Please pray that she will turn over again so we can have a vaginal delivery!)
Today I talked to the social worker at our hospital to "make sure she has received all our legal paperwork". By "make sure she has received all our legal paperwork" I mean "ask yet another person if we will be allowed in the delivery room". :) I didn't want to seem like I was calling just to ask about the delivery so first and foremost I expressed concern that all our paperwork is in order. In the paperwork is the legal judgment that we are the parents of the babies, with instructions on how the birth certificate needs to be filled out. There is a cover letter from our attorney to the social work department requesting that we be allowed in the delivery room, get hospital bands, and generally any other priviledge that a parent would have. Even if we have a vaginal delivery, it will happen in the operating room just in case J has to have a c-section anyway (for one or both). Therein lies the issue - in the OR, there can only be one support person. Our doctors have told us that that is the policy and whether or not policy is bent will depend on the doctor who delivers (whoever is on call at the time). Since I thought that our legal paperwork might make a difference - it's not like J just has a bunch of friends she wants to come in - I decided to call the people who have the paperwork and "gently" bring it up.
I had actually left a message for the person yesterday, so she was calling me back. When I answered she almost immediately let me know she had talked to multiple nurses in labor and delivery and all adamantly said "one person only" - hospital policy. I said, "Oh, OK, that's what our doctor had said, but I thought it might be different once you had our legal paperwork and everything since we are a special situation." She said no, it is hospital policy. I then asked if we would get additional bands (if they are in the NICU) and she said no (this is something else the attorney asked for). She said J would be given two bands and she will decide who to give them to. I sort of felt my heart thud at that moment. I mean, yes, that is factual, and that is what will happen. But I felt so small at that point, hearing through what she was telling me that "you'll get bands if the real mom decides she wants you to have bands". She then proceeded to say that it's not an issue (bands) if the babies aren't in the NICU because the babies will be "in her room and then you will just have to work it out with her"! Heart thud #2. Translation: "It's not up to us if you have access to the babies, if the real mom wants you to see them, she'll work something out with you." I felt 2 inches tall.
Anyone who knows me well knows that in a normal situation I would start up to 120 MPH and tell them exactly how they needed to handle this. But I know I'm on the outside in this situation and I don't want to ruin any small chance that remains by making them hate me. So I politely said, "OK, I understand, we're still excited. Thank you for your time." But rather than hang up, she seemed to feel bad at that point and asked me a couple of questions about them being twins, and commented how exciting that must be. Then we ended the conversation and I have felt sad ever since.
Of course I'm sad about the delivery issue, but honestly I'm more sad about how I was treated, and how I was perceived as almost a burden in the situation. She made me feel like a baby grabber wanting to get my dirty little hands all over our surrogate's babies. It reinforced that I am "different" than most moms. I've always been a pretty normal person (whatever that means). But the last 3 years I have had the experience of being very different. I was different not conceiving naturally, I was different doing fertility treatments, I was different doing surrogacy. Throughout the pregnancy I have embraced the difference. I have told all of our friends and family about it, I have blogged about it, I opened up to strangers about it - all because I want to help educate people about infertility, surrogacy and related issues. I have actually enjoyed this. I feel like a spokesperson for surrogacy sometimes because I have rarely come across anyone who has had any exposure to surrogacy before! But as we get closer to the end, I feel myself longing more and more to be "normal". I've had 3 years of being different, and I have embraced that difference on this journey as much as possible. I'm ready to "just" be a mom now though. I'm ready to be on the other side of delivery, past legal papers, hospital policies, and people who may not get it, to being in the car on the way home for the first time as plain old normal parents. I desperately want that.
This whole thing has made me realize how difficult being different - in any way - is. I am fortunate in that this point of difference does not impact the end goal; my rainbow is different, but my pot of gold is the same as everyone else's. I can hold on to the thought that I am almost to that pot of gold and then will go on with my life. But it makes my heart go out to all those who have "permanent" differences; those who have to fight every day against the world and its perceptions due to disabilities, sexual orientation, or any number of other things. I had two heart thuds in one conversation due to my "difference". Other people have a lifetime of heart thuds from people who don't understand. I support gay marriage in part because I have some very close gay friends and understand the challenges they face. I was talking to someone the other day who said they support gay "unions" but don't want them to use the same definition of marriage ("all the same rights though"). They just want them to be classified differently. That's the problem - they are already classified differently every day of their life. Maybe for once they just want to be classified the same.
It is good to experience "being different" - if more people had that experience, the world would be a far less judgmental place. That said, I still can't wait to be a "normal" mom. :)
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7 comments:
Aww, N, I'm sorry it had to happen this way. I don't presume to know all of how you feel, but I think I can relate to some of what you are feeling due to the surrogacy also. This pregnancy has been challenging to me as well, also for being different. People will congratulate me when they see that I am pregnant or find out that it's twins. Then when I tell them I am surrogate, the responses can vary from "Oh, I'm sorry" to "Is that ethical?" or "Is it YOUR egg?" or "Now, you get paid for that, right!?" or my personal favorite, "How does your husband feel about that??" ;) Anyway, there are definitely days when I am ready for things to be normal again. I can only hope that soon (but not too soon), you can feel like a normal mom, and both of us can keep this special experience in our heart, remembering the positive aspects and forgetting all the comments and questions that made us feel like we just didn't fit in.
Very well said, J...AMEN! I can totally see how you would feel similar things on the other end and that it would be hard or frustrating at times for you too. I have no doubt that when I think back on this experience, though, I will be thinking of the wonderfully positive things and not about the conversation I had with the random social worker today.
i'm so sorry...you have no right to be treated like that. i'm sorry the rest of the world hasnt caught up yet.
hugs...
Damn social workers are total idiots in my opinion. When I carried my surro twins the social worker we dealt with was the same way, and yet it's really not up to them is it?
It's up to the individual doc and the nurses, so try not to fret about what may be or may happen and think positive. If your quiet, don't kick up a stink I'll bet you'll find some compassionate nurses and doctors who will understand your needs and desires. My IPs didnt make it to the birth, I too had to birth in the operating room, but you know what, they let me use a CELL PHONE during labor and after each baby was born and even in the recovery room. Imagine that, a cell phone!
There are people out there that will get it, but your right, not always is it a straight road and now always are you lucky enough to get that. What's true is that soon enough you'll be at that pot of gold, and you will be normal again!
I love hearing your insight and the struggles and joys IPs go through, it's very real for many and good to have an opportunity to understand.
As a surrogate I get what J said, we surrogates are treated differently too, even still it's not the same, we chose to be different, not everyone makes the choice. IPs for example.
Keep your eye on the prize dear, your almost there!
Oh, I'm sorry. I really, really hope something changes and at least one of you will be allowed in the delivery room. My DH wasn't allowed in the room during our surrogate's delivery (surrogate's choice, though, not doctor's) and I would have liked him there, but I understood why she felt uncomfortable at the same time. It's a really, really tough situation and I'm sorry that because you're "different" you have to even go through it. And I'm sorry for the flippant attitude of the social worker, too. I'm sad for you that she made you feel bad.
I wonder why it's their policy at all. When my sister had both of her c-sections, I was allowed to be in there along with her husband. That was 6 and 8 years ago...maybe it's different now.
I have had those days too in our journey when a person can make or break that day for me. It's just like you want to say to them:
"why can't you understand this and all that we have been through?" Sometimes, the simplest gesture of understanding can make the world of difference. Your broad shoulders won't need to be so broad for much longer. You are almost there and have done a remarkable job that I can see representing the thoughts and feelings that intended parents go through. As I have posted before, sometimes I read your posts and it's like you are taking everything that's in my head and blogging about it. N - you and B are going to be wonderful parents and I hope that here and there after the twins are here, you will find some time to blog and give us all updates. Big hugs.
N ~ I'm so sorry these things are getting you down right now. I know it's so hard, but try and fast forward to having them home in your arms, where there is no questions from anyone about you or them. You will be a normal family, just like anyone else, and this upset will all be a distant memory.
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