There are two comments that I get frequently from people that are making me jump out of my skin. It just happened again right now and I'm so frustrated that the only thing I can do is come vent on my blog. WARNING: I am sort of angry right now. :)
Comment 1: "You have no idea what you're in for." (negative connotation)
Really? I have no idea? I haven't had long enough to conceptualize over the last few years whether I want to have kids or not have kids? I have an ideal that my babies will never cry, that I will not be sleep deprived and that I will constantly have a smile on my face? NO! Millions and millions of humans have had babies and guess what...they survived! And they chose to have MORE kids! You know why? Because even if it is extremely difficult for a while at first, they find that it is rewarding, meaningful, and a worthwhile life pursuit. The funny thing is, these comments always come from people with older children or adult children. I don't think any parents of young kids have ever made this comment. You would think people with older children would have MORE perspective on this, but instead they feel the need to be negative. I find the comment so condescending, but it gets even worse. Since I am generally put off by it and don't want to be as rude as the person who just said it was, I usually say something in response like, "Well, I do have a little idea. I have a reading stack a mile high and am continually learning as much as possible so I have a general understanding of what happens - feeding schedules, pooping "events", health concerns, burping techniques, etc." This is usually responded to with some version of "oh, you can never learn all that stuff from a book, the books will all go out the window" and a condescending laugh. I KNOW I am not experiencing the actual event and that it is theoretical right now. But I sure am learning a lot that I otherwise would never have known about babies, and I sure do have a general knowledge of what is going to happen. I do not know why anyone would be so negative about someone reading books to prepare. I CAN'T IMAGINE not knowing what I have read in these books and just having a baby. That to me would be insane. That to me would warrant a comment of "You have no idea what you are in for". I guess what irks me is that it seems so personal when someone says it - like that they think something specific to me makes it such that *I* have no idea what I'm in for. Otherwise, why would anyone bother to point this out? Does any new mom have any idea what she is in for? Of course not, so why bother to point it out? WHY do people keep saying this?
Comment 2: "Just wait until you have kids of your own."
It's inevitable that people engage you in conversations about your parenting philosophy when you are expecting. I think I am officially putting a ban on any more of these conversations because people's responses irk me so much. When you start to say your beliefs about how you want to raise your kids, your ideas on discipline, etc., it's sort of your personal ideal. You don't expect that kids will be perfect all the time, but you do plan to work toward that. At least I do. (I don't believe in parenting on the fly.) If I were in the camp of "child-centered parenting" (the buzz word right now), I am positive that no one would say "Just wait until you have kids of your own"...because quite honestly, it's an easier approach to live up to - you do (in general) what will make your child happiest, based on their desires. But as soon as you hint that you plan to do "parent-led parenting", that you will adhere to schedules, routines, focused discipline, a strong set of values, etc., it's over..."just wait until you have kids of your own". Soooo many parents just give up because it IS so hard and exhausting. I think I will get even more frazzled than others and am the first to admit it...but I won't give up on my ideals if it kills me. I will just keep working toward them. In fact, J is my total and complete mommy hero. I'm not saying that because of what she is doing for us - it is pure coincidence that we see eye to eye on how children should be raised. I see her practicing what she preaches all the time. I feel GLEEFUL when I see it because it shows it CAN be done! Her kids aren't perfect, as no kids are. But her kids are truly remarkable for their age in their behavior, manners, attitude, everything. When B and I see crazy kids when we are out somewhere, we often implement the WWJD conversation ... "What would J do?" LOL No one can tell me that parent-led parenting is too difficult...because I see it all the time when I'm with J. And it works. J writes a parenting blog with her takes on things (www.lifentheshoe.blogspot.com) and I agree so wholeheartedly with everything she writes that I generally want to shout, "AMEN!" by the time I finish reading a new post!
What I am trying to say is that I am NOT in denial about the difficulty of our desired parenting approach (B and I see 100% eye to eye also), but it is with certainty that I can say I will always work toward our ideals, even when the going gets tough.
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9 comments:
YAY N! I like the resolve! If everyone worked that hard parenting, my job as a high school teacher would be a piece of cake!
I hear you loud and clear! Just so you know, this "advice" has seemed to continue even AFTER A was born. My fave was everyone telling me we would end up with A in our bed...and we did "co-sleep" for a about half of 2 nights when she was super tiny because that was the only way we could get even an hour of sleep (she slept on Adam's chest). But after those 2 nights that was it - we just didn't believe in co-sleeping for us.
I try to just take all this advice (I got a lot about breastfeeding too - this drove me CRAZY because the advice came from my mom and my sis who had NO problems at all) with a grain of salt - it *usually* comes from a good place. But comments like "You have no idea what you're in for..." are NOT helpful. Not at all.
You're going to do just great, and my only "advice" is to try and remember that occasionally flexibility is key. Adam and I have found that while we have lots of "ideals", we have occasionally had to throw those right out the window!
Oh my word, I'm soooo with you here! The patronising never ends - if you had an easy birth, there was someone else who had it even easier, if you had a tough one - someone else had it tougher (things like "I was in labour for 3 whole weeks!" are not uncommon!) Drives me nuts too!
But the sad thing is, since I've become a mother, I've on occasion found similar words coming out of *my* mouth. Where I think "Wha..?? Did I just SAY that??"
As irritating as it is I think the trick is to realise it's NOT personal. One thing mothers do really well is OVERsharing - whether you're telling a complete stranger how you tore from here to there while giving birth, or how your baby projectile pooped all over the wall. Maybe being stuck in a house with a wailing baby for months at a time destroys social skills beyond repair, but it's NOT personal.
But it. Is. Annoying.
:)
x
Yvonne
I agree, both statements are annoying. First, because how can you truly know what you're in for until you are actually faced with caring for the babies? You can't. And neither can the people who are telling you that you have no idea what you're in for. Because they're children are not your children!! (Of course it would be different if they were saying it like "Oooohhh....I'm so excited!!! You have no idea all the GOOD things that you're in for!!!" But people don't usually mean it like that, do they?).
And the "wait til' you have kids of your own" has always bugged me, too. Although, I do have to say, it is super easy to be blinded to what you should be doing in a certain situation compared to what you actually find yourself doing.
The one that bugged me a lot is when C started walking everyone was saying "Oh NOW the true fun begins" or "NOW you'll really have to start working hard!" But honestly, it was much easier to me when he was walking....he was into just as much stuff as when he was just crawling and I have to carry him much, much less now that he can walk. Now when he starts refusing the stroller and climbing, I might agree it will be much harder...
GOD - does that ever sound familiar!!!!!
And the worst is it keeps on going!!! ESPECIALLY the grandparents ALWAYS have a better way of doing things: of feeding, of changing diapers, of having the kid breath.
I had to REALLY get nasty with my mom and Michelle's parents.
You just do what your instincts tell you and you will do fine!
Let me give you some advice (LOL):
short of dropping your kids from 100FT you CAN NOT - i repeat - NOT do them any harm if you do what you KNOW is IN YOU to raise them!!!!!
(hope that made sense..lol)
Mark
Thanks everyone for the comments, though I'm sad to see that it really does continue forever more!
Just like you all said, there is no way to be the parents you want to be ALL the time and it requires flexibility. I agree 100%. I know there are things I cannot even imagine right now. But I'm EXCITED for the unknown (Tara, you are right, no one ever says, "You have no idea what GOOD things you are in for!")!
AMEN!! :-) My only teensy caveat to the "wait until you have kids of your own" remark is that I never realized how profound my love would be for my own children; how deeply I would feel their pain and how much I would rejoice in their happiness. There's a saying something like "You're only as happy as your most unhappy child." That may be an exageration, but I can see the kernel of truth in it. I could imagine that yes, I will love my babies, but I had no idea what that would actually feel like until they got here. I love other people's kids, some I love a WHOLE LOT! But it's never the same. "You'll see." LOL!! In a good way.
Marilyn - THANKS for the POSITIVE "wait until you have kids of your own" remark! :)
These comments drove me crazy when I was expecting and I agree that they haven't really stopped now. And when Daria was a couple months old, I remember saying to my friend, "I keep waiting to get to the BAD part." Yes, it's really hard when they're little, but there are so many good things that outweigh the bad things.
And I'm so sick and tired of the "wait until she starts walking" comments. That will bring new challenges and new fun.
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