Parenting lines in the sand

So, writing that last blog made me think about something else I have been meaning to write about - why are there so many parenting lines in the sand? I suppose I can answer my own question. It's like politics and religion. When there is some big life topic that everyone can chime in on regardless of who you are, where you live, what you look like, etc., people get fierce! Common ground is ground that people will naturally fight over. If I work in marketing, chances are I don't end up engaging in many contentious conversations with regular people over marketing because that would be my expertise and not theirs. If someone else is a professional athlete, chances are they don't end up engaging with many contentious coversations with regular people over their sport because that would be their expertise and not everyone else's. In both cases, you would end up in contentious conversations (at times) with people within marketing or within athletics because they are people on common ground and therefore have had the opportunity to develop what they consider educated opinions. When you take topics that an entire world is on common ground with, and therefore has had the opportunity to form opinions on, watch out! That's why they say to never discuss religion and politics in polite company! I see the same thing with parenting. Everyone comes to a conclusion about how things should be done and most of those people feel compelled to tell you why it should be done their way. If you look at the comments on my last post, you can see that it's a common experience for a new parent - opinions and advice coming constantly, and it never stops!

I've also seen silent awkwardness so many times when one parent disagrees with another. It's like there are certain issues that people see as two-camp issues and as soon as you put yourself in a camp you are forever classified by others as in that camp. Some examples:

No children vs. children
This one goes through an interesting transition with age. Into the early and even mid 20s, if you HAVE children, you are in the ostracized camp of "they can't go out anymore". It's a negative thing. There is a happy middle period somewhere in the late 20s where it is a mix and people have started to have kids and those who haven't are open to it so the camps are happy. But then the shift...most people are having kids and find new common ground, so if you don't have kids, you no longer relate and slowly get pushed away. By the time that you get significantly older, when you say you don't have kids people immediately wonder why - could you not have kids? Do you hate kids? If you hate kids, do you hate my kids? I do this too, I guess it's just natural. I've only known a few older couples without kids and I always wonder, "why?" But that is so obnoxious because it presumes that the children path is naturally what everyone wants. I remember meeting a man once who was probably 50 or so and he said that he and his wife had never wanted kids...but that there weren't many people his age who weren't child centered so they generally hung out with bands and people in their 20s. Children become such a point of relating or not relating that by that time there is one big line in the sand between people (although usually not a contentious one in this case).

Breastfeeding vs. formula feeding
Oh good grief, this is a big one. Honestly? I didn't even know that breastfeeding was something mainstream in 2008 before we were expecting. I had seen people do it in my life and knew that some people did but I never imagined that it was something that most people did now (I always thought of it as something from the past). But then the books, nurses and online message boards were unleashed. They all tell you that breastfeeding is far superior and that it is not a good decision to just formula feed. At the preterm labor class the nurse giving the class said something like, "I hope I don't have to tell any of you that you are GOING to breastfeed!" (while waving her finger in the air). Yes, I could try to induce lactation and try to breastfeed, but it is only about 57% successful and especially hard with twins. The stress of trying to make that work in the middle of stress of everything else is just not worth it for me. But plenty of people would think that I'm a selfish bad mom already because of the statement "not worth it for ME". (I would say, yes, I need to think about me - if I'm five times more stressed out, frazzled and impatient on a daily basis over trying to make that work, or feeling like a failure, it will impact the babies far more than missing the added antibodies from formula.) People feel very strongly about this and it's another one of those two camp things - you are either here or there, and you are labeled immediately.

Child-led parenting vs. parent-led parenting
This is what I was talking about in my last post. I hate to do either approach injustice by simplifying to this degree, but without going into the detail that entire books are written on of these two approaches, let's just call this "those who believe in a strict form of disciplined parenting" and "those who believe in a non-strict, less disciplined form of parenting". This is the BIG line in the sand. If a strict parent sees an out of control child, major judgments about the parents are immediately made. If a non-strict parent sees a child being reprimanded for seemingly small issues, more major judgments are immediately made.

Does anyone watch Wife Swap? You see this all the time on there. A "laid back" mom will see that a family makes their kids do chores and will cry because she feels it is so bad. A strict mom will see that a family has no control of their kids and SHE will cry because she feels they are not learning what kids learn. People (rightfully so) take parenting philosophies seriously. The problem is, the two different camps are SO different in execution that when you know someone is in the "other" camp, you know they probably disagree completely with how you raise your kids and are judging you, which then puts you on the defensive. It's a never ending cycle that goes both ways.

I admit that I'm guilty of this already - I know my own philosophy and by virtue of the fact that I've arrived at a philosophy, I believe it makes more sense than the other side. I know I will have to watch myself so that I do not act in a condescending way to anyone with other beliefs...because I know it will drive me crazy when others act that way to me.

Stay at home moms vs. working moms
This is a HUGE one. People always ask which one you are or are planning to be. Stay at home moms usually view working moms either in a way that they feel sorry for them (if they need to work) or that they are being selfish (if they choose to work). Working moms usually view stay at home moms as having an unintellectual, easy job. Even though all moms have something major in common, I really feel like these two camps separate themselves in a huge way! Stay at home moms can get together during the day with others like them, so they naturally form more bonds. Working moms usually can't participate in those kinds of activities as much. I still don't know what I'm going to do in this particular area, but I am well aware that it has major implications either way, and I don't think there is one perfect solution - either is a sacrifice.

Home school vs. public school vs. private school
I picked up a local family magazine the other day (one of those freebies in the bins at the store). I was blown away by the options for schooling that were advertised! You can enroll your 3 month old baby in music classes at some local conservatory. What?! I grew up in Arizona, where there is a good public school system, and pretty much everyone goes there. There were 2 major private schools that some people went to but it wasn't the norm. In California, where we live now, the schools supposedly aren't good (I say supposedly because I can't conceptualize why exactly an entire school system would be considered bad, but so many people say this I have to assume it is true). A LOT of people go to private school here. My cousin taught at one that costs $24k per year (high school)! Then you have the whole home school option which people generally feel strongly about either way (another big issue on Wife Swap!). From what I think right now, home schooling wouldn't be my choice, and private schooling wouldn't be my choice unless absolutely necessary (if our school district is horrible). But I understand why others pick those options!

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Everyone wants to do what is best for their kids. So, everyone comes to a conclusion on what that is. When others come to different conclusions and you know that they too want what is best for their kids, it is natural to become defensive of choices. I just wish that it weren't so obvious so much of the time.