I'll admit, I had never heard of this until I saw a message board post recently. Do you know what a push gift is? This is supposed to be a nice gift from a new dad to a new mom to "thank her" for the pregnancy and delivery. To be honest, that sounds like a Hallmark creation. I'm definitely not into that kind of forced sentiment...normally. But when I saw people talking about push gifts online it suddenly struck a chord of inadequacy for me.
Most husbands are thanking their wives for doing the most amazing thing possible for them...bringing new life into the world. Technically, I don't qualify for any kind of thank you gift for our twins. I'm not pushing them out. I didn't carry them for nine months. I didn't weather aches, pains, morning sickness and bleeding scares. Thinking about this left me feeling like a pretty inadequate wife. I've not really felt inadequate during the pregnancy because I always thought in terms of myself as a person in general, and I don't feel inadequate in terms of a person in general. But, I had never really considered how I felt as a wife being inadequate with respect to her husband. I know with absolute certainty that B doesn't see it that way, but reading about all this push gift stuff suddenly stung me a little.
And then my thought process turned into a little pride...because deep down I *know* how much I have gone through for us - even if I never carried the babies. For the record I:
--Gave myself over 400 shots in the course of 6 grueling IVF cycles and two years
--Underwent a painful laparoscopy surgery
--Underwent anesthesia for 5 egg retrievals
--Underwent 5 miserable embryo transfers (unlike everyone else, mine are painful because I have a crooked cervix)
--Went to countless doctor appointments for monitoring and consultations
--Went through so many ultrasounds that as long as someone is wearing a stethoscope I don't even think twice before putting my feet in stirrups
--Researched hours upon hours upon hours to learn about treatment options and diagnoses
--Handled every logistical detail of all our cycles - not a small feat
--Took on 98% of the emotional burden related to all of the above simply because I was the one going through it all.
Had I not had the tenacity to go through the insanity of the above, we wouldn't have gotten to the point of surrogacy and we wouldn't have gotten to the point of our babies. I don't know where we would be, but it wouldn't be here. I have been driving this infertility bus, and although I have driven like a maniac at times, I have driven. It has been my life for three years and I have put my heart and soul into figuring out how to bring these babies into existence, even if I am not carrying.
So there, I DO have something to proud of!! I don't think anything could possibly stand up to actually going through pregnancy and delivery, but I'm proud of what I *was* able to do.
B, I will gladly accept a thank-you-for-everything-you-did-to-even-get-us-to-this-point-I-acknowledge-and-love-you-for-all-you-have-done gift. :)
Incidentally, I asked B the other day if he had heard of push gifts.
B: "Oh yeah!"
N: "REALLY? YOU have heard of this?"
B: "Yeah, like on that website where you push something you didn't want to someone else who really wants it."
LOL, LOL, LOL I guess our babies are a "push gift" from J to us!
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We are proud parents of boy/girl twins, born through a gestational surrogate after 3 years and 5 failed IVFs (for which doctors have no explanation)! Gestational surrogacy means that someone else carried our biological children. Embryos were created from us through in vitro fertilization (IVF), and then were transferred to our surrogate - a wonderful friend who offered to do this for us.
8 comments:
I have never heard of the term push gift, but people have suggested getting eachother (not just the mom) something special on D-Day. You have definitely done lots and lots to have these babies and deserve a pat on the back...AND a push gift, whatever that is. ;)
J - hahahaha Yes, I think B's push gift should be a thank-you-for-being-the-rock-through-all-of-this-when-I-was-a-crumbling-mess-and-being-willing-to-let-me-drive-forward-anyway. :)
Having experienced both (well, not the actual pushing part yet), I can say that YES you have much to be proud of for getting all of you to this point and it's likely been just as hard, if not harder than if you were carrying. I was just thinking about this actually because I was wondering what my reaction would be now to someone telling me we took "the easy way out" with surrogacy, like some people like to do. (No one has said that to me recently). I still feel the same, that in no way is it easier...especially after such a long, long IF road. Pregnancy is not easy, something I'm learning more and more every day, but when I think about the years that came before this....it was just so incredibly hard.
You deserve a Pushed-on-Through gift. :)
Ooh, I like that, Tara, a Pushed-on-Through gift! Perfect!
And don't forget all those wonderful dates with the blood lab too! You definitely worked so hard for these babies!!
You should be proud of yourself and certainly deserve a gift for all those things you have mentioned and for never giving up, not even when the things were not going well.
You say you have been driving an infertility bus, sometimes like a maniac. I feel very much like that too, sometimes ignoring all the traffic rules just to get to the next stop. But the good thing is that your bus is approaching the final stop.Your difficult ride will be over soon and you can just get off that bus and enjoy walking with your lovely family.
I still have to pump more gas because my surrogacy ride is just at the very beginning.
Cheers
Emma
You've pushed these babies into the world in ways that aren't physical and for that you are a true mother.
I absolutely think you deserve a "pushed on through" present! We got push presents for my sis and her hubby, and my hubby got me a "pumping present" for all the hard work I did inducing lactation : )
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