Friday, October 3, 2008

Oprah almost gave me a panic attack.

It's true. Last night I was catching up on my tivo and was watching a recent Oprah about overwhelmed moms. It centered on a mom - a perfectly normal and sweet teacher - who had left her 2 year old sleeping in the car accidentally and forgot her for 8 hours (she would not have normally had her that day so she was going about her normal routine). The little girl was found dead at the end of the day from heatstroke. When you hear her story it is truly something anyone could have done. Slowly, women were calling in or raising their hands to express how overwhelmed they are with being a mom, most of them ending up in tears. It has been my unstated strong fear lately that I will be hugely overwhelmed with this giant change and watching the Oprah suddenly made my heart pound hard. I started getting the sweaty palms and agitation...yes, watching Oprah gave me all the beginnings of a panic attack. I went to bed soon after to avoid it but I woke up this morning and still have the pounding heart effect. A trademark of panic attacks is that they come out of the blue, but I certainly know that Oprah caused this one! Fortunately, this is very mild, but it's making me realize that I do have a lot of suppressed fear about our upcoming arrivals.

Something women talk a lot about when they have babies after infertility is the fact that you feel you have lost the right to have "normal" emotions about pregnancy or having children. Pregnant women feel that if they complain about aches and pains that they are being ungrateful for what they finally have and what many women are still struggling to have. Women with babies feel that if they get frustrated or downright mad at their babies they are being ungrateful too and remind themselves of how they felt for so long. That can be a blessing, actually - when you have worked so hard for something that you are driven to appreciate it much more, it can be a good thing. But a lot of times it brings pressure and guilt when women aren't allowing themselves (or others don't allow them) to have normal emotions that any mom would have.

I guess I have felt subconsciously like that - like *I* should not be allowed to have fears about this and when they creep up I tell myself that. I mean, we certainly have been through enough to get here. Wouldn't I have worked through this before? Well, no, because I was spending all my mental capacity to get pregnant somehow because I knew that's what I wanted, regardless of any latent fears. But the time is moving fast now and I am looking at all the things I want and need to do before the babies come and I am thinking of how little I know about babies first-hand and I'm thinking of having no sleep...and I'm *scared*! Fear of how I will do something new is not something I am used to. I am sort of the stereotypical "go getter". I embrace new things! I go after new things! I excel at new things! But this has always been in the academic and professional realm. I am starting to realize that babies are not even coming close to my realm of experiences in the past. I am scared that...

...I will be completely overwhelmed by the lack of sleep (if I get less than 10 hours, I typically am grumpy...seriously...this is the top of my list and I'm scared - to - death - of - what - this - will - be - like!)

...I will feel like I'm on a gerbil running mill that never stops for me to regroup (eat, play, sleep, eat, play sleep, etc.)

...I will have two babies with difficult temperaments (the books all talk about "those" babies)

...Having twins will be even more overwhelming than moms say having a newborn is to begin with

...It will not come naturally to me as everyone says it will

...There will be times when the babies are inconsolable at the same time and I won't know what to do

...There will be something wrong with one or both of the babies but I won't realize it in time because I know nothing about babies

...They won't like me. Is this a normal mom-to-be emotion? I would guess that any expectant mom without baby experience would feel the preceding things, but this one is a little strange. I think it's possibly normal, but I think it is driven for me by the fact that I have guilt I couldn't "be there" for them to carry them. Now that I know that our embryos have always been good and it's my uterus that has some kind of problem I periodically have thoughts of the embryos rejecting ME. I know this is logically ridiculous, but emotionally it feels like 18 children were given the chance to come into our lives and they turned me down. 18 embryos over 5 cycles did not attach to me for even one day. Yes, I know and understand they do not have the mental capacity to make decisions. But it messes with your head. In reality, it was my body rejecting THEM, which creates a whole other level of guilt. Either way I look at it, it makes me wonder, when two babies are actually here, will they like me? Will they love me? Will they take to me? Will they take to my arms when they wouldn't take to my uterus?

None of this takes away from my excitement. None of this takes away from my intense gratitude to God and to J for these blessings. None of this makes me wish there were even one more day between now and their births for me to prepare. But it feels good to "say it out loud"...that yes, I too have mommy-to-be fears, even when I had to fight like a warrior to get here.

I've spent so much time preparing my head but haven't really had the opportunity to prepare my heart for their arrival. I think when you are physically pregnant that the heart preparation comes along with it; you feel constantly close to them. I feel "heart preparation" when we see them on the ultrasounds or feel J's tummy. When we see them moving on the ultrasound monitor, my heart actually leaps. I *feel* the babies inside my heart; I feel them deeply. My heart actually pounds harder with the intense love I already feel. The couple of times when we have been able to feel the babies from the outside of J's tummy I had that same feeling. It's not that I don't love them outside of those times, it's just that I'm not having that constant interaction which keeps your heart melting over...and over. I instead get glimpses of the heart melt. The rest of the time I am preparing my head, filling it with facts and philosophies and such. That is valuable too, but at this point I need to do more "heart prep". I think this will come from lovingly preparing the nursery and being able to better visualize them here with us (hard to imagine sometimes!). Right now there are only boxes in there holding the cribs and dressers (and then a closet with some miscellaneous things I have bought). In about 1 hour, B's parents will be here to help us put together the furniture. I'm so grateful for their help and that we are going to do this today. I *need* this. I *need* the nursery at this point and wish I had ordered everything sooner (I didn't for fear something would go wrong). The shower is in two weeks, which will add more to the nursery, and then I can shop for anything else and really focus on preparing our babies' home. I think that that "heart time" will be really valuable and treasured for me. I think putting the love and the nurturing into that sweet place is the one thing right now that will make me more confident they will take to my arms when they wouldn't take to my uterus.

10 comments:

Unknown said...

I had all those fears--including the last one, and I think they are all normal. Some of them even became a reality for me. But, you'll learn--parenting doesn't necessarily come naturally, but loving your baby does. Even if one of your fears becomes a reality, your love for them is what will get you through the tough times. It will be hard, but it's rewarding too--I know you know that already.

PS--can't wait to see the nursery. :)

Wewurtskihit said...

I had waited 42years for my baby to arrive and thought i was ready. Well....I wasnt really! The first few weeks were trying and the fears and panics were there everytime i held her, changed her or fed her.

BUT you know what? You learn to live with them. The fears NEVER disappear as long as you live! Its part of being a parent. But you will learn to understand your fears and learn to live/deal with them.

It will all be good! Make sure you use all the support tools you can (grandparents, hubby, community nurses, parental groups etc etc) and you will find all will be good!!!

Mark

Karma & Adam said...

I had a lot of the same fears as you, and for me a lot of it revolved around not getting to "know" her during the pregnancy the same way I would have if I'd been able to carry her. I think I was intellectually prepared for her, and loved her deeply conceptually, but it wasn't until she arrived and we were a few weeks in that my heart totally took over. Now it's like she's wrapped around my heart, like I can't remember life before her, and I love her more than I could have imagined. But for me, it took some time to get to that place and I did feel some "guilt" at not having those intense feelings right away.

I also felt a little like an observer at the beginning, especially when I felt like I couldn't soothe her the way I thought a mother should be able to. But you know what? That comes with time too - now I know what she needs, and I know how to help her be the happiest baby she can be. You figure it out, mostly with trial and error! And as for the sleep thing...well, you just don't sleep for a while. And it's ok. You survive.

Those little babies will adore you - trust me. You'll see soon enough : )
Hang in there - none of this is easy but wow, is it ever worth it.

Anonymous said...

Your post is beautiful and it made me so tearful. Your fears are all completely normal, and of course some of them will run deeper, because of the unorthodox way these babies are coming to you, but they are YOUR babies, and believe me when I say that they will know you and they will LOVE you with every fibre of their being when they come out.

There was an arbitrary little scene in an episode of Brother's and Sister's that I watched a while ago. Kitty is devastated that she can't fall pregnant and may never feel a baby moving inside of her. She confides in her sister that she remembers how special it was when she felt her sisters belly move with babies, and it's awful that she may never get that. Her wise sister Sarah says something along the lines of "Kitty - you remember the special kicks. I remember the incredibly awful heartburn. And you know what Cooper (baby) remembers? Nothing?"

I know it's just a TV show but it is so, so true. Our babies don't love them because we carried them - that's just what made it possible for them to be with us -, they love us because we LOVE them, we CARE for them, we PARENT them (we FEED them, lol).

There's no denying that there are tough times when babies are in the house, and I've never dealt with twin newborns before, but yes I'd hazzard a guess that it's somewhat more challenging. But WHAT a blessing! I guarantee that even when you're exhausted, and at the lowest of the low you will still think "I'm so tired but MY WORD look my gorgeous babies". You'll deal with the lack of sleep, you'll deal with the frustration. You'll have moments where you'll wish desperately for some alone time, or some sleep, and that's normal! But then your babies will sleepily smile at you, and you'll realise that you wouldn't give this up for the world. That THIS is what makes the world a beautiful place. And these precious moments pass so damn quickly, so we have to do our best to enjoy them while we still have them.

Big, big hugs.

These things have an amazing way of working out.

x
Yvonne

Sarah Andrews said...

Wow. I feel like you are inside of my head! I ned some more heart melt too. My first time visiting your blog but I am adding you to my blog list. Speak on sister.

MyLifeMyWorld said...

This was an awesome post and your feelings are very valid, fears included.

I have never been here before but was directed to read, because your writing is so moving.

I just wanted to share from a mother to a mother (because your already a mother in my eyes), that you should hold no shame or guilt for any of your feelings no matter what they are.

When it comes to infants, you ask a good question. Will the baby love you? In all honesty, no newborn loves its parents, they dont' even know what love is. And what little emotion they do have it's towards themselves. They are self-centered thinking that they are the only being and thing that has needs in the whole world, there is no love there. It is THROUGH caring for them, loving them, cuddling and bonding with them, taking care of their needs that they bond and learn to love. You love instantly because you know the emotion, babies do not. Even in utero they do not "bond" with their carriers, be it mothers or surrogates.

Rather they become familiar with sounds, maybe even a few voices, so that in the outside world when all is new and different those familiar sounds can be soothing. But it's not a bond. It's just a familiar sound. And you can remedy that, if your surrogate is willing. Have her play a tape of you singing some of the songs you intend to sing when baby is out, or reading a book so she gets to know your voice too.

And in the meantime, take a look at the fears, and see what you can do to help allieviate them. Fear of not sleeping? Have a great support system step up so you can nap. Etc. etc. Your going to do great, it's amazing how it will all come to you and how quickly you learn as a mother. Each and every first time mom be it through surrogacy or not, has many of the same fears. You can do this, and you'll do it well, I'm sure!

Anonymous said...

I'm in the need 10 hours of sleep camp too. I won't lie, the lack of sleep is rough. But it does get better. We find it's good to split up duty so we alternate nights (takes awhile to get used to feeding them both on your own though) but at least then, you're able to recover every other night. And you will do things in your sleep-deprived state--like drive around without them buckled into their car seats--but most kids survive our terrible memories. All your worries are normal. In fact, you will be more prepared for things if you know what to expect. And after years of IF, we kind of learn to expect the worst. So when things turn out not to be so bad, it's like "WOW, this is great!" Plus, every night I'm up with them, I think of all the countless nights I was up crying over another failed cycle. It's worlds better feeding a snuggly baby at 3am than crying. :)

Anonymous said...

YOU my dear are a beautiful, thoughtful, caring, wonderful person. You are going to be an awesome Mom too! All the things you are feeling are normal. I was scared to death the first day we were home with the babies. We got home from the hospital and said, ok, now what? The first few weeks are tough, I won't lie to you. But with the help of family and friends, you'll get by. Once you get past the first couple months, you are not going to remember the first 2 weeks! You'll think to yourself...wow...we made it!! Parenting is hard work. Newborns are hard work. And when you throw in 2 babies and not just one, you have double the work! If you ever need to talk, need advice, you can pm me on FF any time. Oh, and trust me, parenting comes naturally to everyone just like they say. Something inside you clicks, and your like oh...thats what Im supposed to be doing!

KH99 said...

Thank you for the reminder about the heart prep. I need to do some work there myself. I mentioned on my blog that I was terrified of a poor outcome, but I'm also experiencing a little terror because for the first time, I have no idea what comes next! What to buy, what to read, how to parent. So much energy was expended on getting to this point that I am stunned to find out I am unprepared for what comes next.

N said...

thanks so much everyone for the comments - I really appreciate reading all of your thoughts and advice!

J - That's a great thing for me to remember - that parenting doesn't come naturally but loving your baby does. :) thanks!

Mark - thanks for admitting the fear and panic stayed with you in he early weeks! I will remember that!

karma - I am quite sure I will feel like an observer too. A lot of people lately have said "you may not feel bonded for a while" and I am grateful to hear that so I don't feel like an awful person!

yvonne - I love what you said about babies not loving us because we carried them. Thank you for all the kind words. You will make a wonderful surro! :)

journeyofhope - Thanks for coming by...I have added your blog to my read list! Best of luck with your journey! I look forward to following.

sharingadream - Thank you for coming by too! I've also added you to my reading list. It's so true that babies aren't born loving you...but a fact I had almost lost touch with in all of my fears! I loved that point. Thank you for the poignant reminder and for your kind words!

Gabby - LOL So true...I guess that after being used to expecting the worst this has to be just fine! Knowing that you are a 10 our sleeper too makes me feel better...I know you survived. :)

Christina - thanks so much for coming by! And thanks so much for your sweet, kind words. I will have the same reaction when we get home I'm sure...NOW WHAT?? lol It's the culmination of years of "work"...and there they will be...what a strange, wonderful, crazy thing. :)