Morning Butterflies

Tomorrow we will be 30 weeks. There is something about that number that seems like a major turning point. With a singleton pregnancy, a baby can be expected to go to 40 weeks if he/she goes all the way. With twin pregnancies, there is so much more variation. Realistically, they can come anywhere between 30 and 38 weeks (38 weeks is the limit because doctors will induce at that point). They can of course come even earlier, but that is less common.

When twins come, it can be very fast and unexpected. So far, we have had no indication that we are at "risk" for a significantly pre-term delivery. J has been having a picture perfect pregnancy for the most part and we haven't had any trips to labor and delivery yet for pre-term labor or anything of the sort. In some of the groups I follow on pregnancy message boards for twins, just about everyone at this point has been to the hospital for one reason or another. J has regular braxton hicks (contractions that don't lead to pre-term labor), but every time we go to the doctor they check her out and her cervix remains perfectly fine. So far, we have every reason to believe that the babies will stay in there another few weeks. But, I know that can change on a dime with twins. So now that we are at 30 weeks, I'm very, very nervous!

Actually, I've been nervous for the last couple of weeks because when we hit 28 weeks, I realized we were two weeks from the 30 week turning point, and I felt the same. :) Ever since that point I wake up every single morning with butterflies in my stomach, at 7-7:15. I can't go back to sleep. I wake up, feel that sensation of nerves and lie there unable to do anything but think through the remaining nursery items to get, remaining nursery tasks, analyzing how many weeks before I think they will come, etc. To put it simply, I am a basket of nerves right now! I've also started worrying about whether or not the babies will be healthy and if they have any problems that didn't show up on the ultrasound. I haven't worried much about that along the way but now that they are so close to coming, I worry that we are so close to finding out that something is wrong. My head feels like it is in a whirlwind constantly. When I get out of bed into the shower I have so many thoughts spinning that I have felt like my head is going to explode! I have to consciously tell myself to stop and think about something different. Or pray instead.

Being an "intended mother" waiting for a baby via surrogacy I do think lends itself to particular nerves in this way. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I am a worrier by nature and worry more than the average person. But I bet on top of that, that intended mothers feel a heightened level of stress in the final weeks, more so than others. You are always "out of control" during the pregnancy, so it is a feeling you become accustomed to. But in the final weeks you really feel more in the dark. For all I know, J could have woken up this morning and found that her contractions have doubled and she is counting them as I type this for another hour before deciding we need to go to the ER. For all I know, J could have woken up this morning and felt just a bit different than the day before without really knowing why but not something specific enough to warrant a doctor's visit yet...and it could mean pre term labor is coming soon. Don't get me wrong, if something were happening for sure, J would let me know. But pregnancy is filled with aches, pains, inconsistent sensations, etc., and I would never expect J to tell me every little thing. She would go crazy having to do that and I would go crazy with worry over it. So, when you are an intended mother, you basically put your surro in the driver's seat with respect to making those decisions. And I trust J 100%. No question. What I'm saying is that I never know if I am 5 minutes away from a call or email letting me know that something IS happening. J will always know first, and I will always know second (or third), and that's just the nature of the situation. I'm constantly wondering if something just happened that I am about to find out about. Technically, a pregnant woman would be in the same situation because she never knows what is about to happen, but it is worse being two people removed from it!

This was the case a lot earlier on when I was really worried about losing the pregnancy too. After the first trimester and up until now I didn't worry so much. But that is returning now because I'm just so nervous that everything will go fine and we will actually end up with two healthy babies. One of the things I mentioned in an earlier post about what we miss out on with surrogacy is the "constant access to 'data'"...if I were pregnant right now, I could be more at peace because every morning I could wake up and know immediately, at any given time, how I was feeling, if the babies were active, if everything seems normal, etc. Sure, by default, I have to assume all is well when I'm not hearing things are not well, but like I said, I'm always wondering if I'm a call or email away from getting some not-so-good news.

There's really no remedy for this, it's the nature of pregnancy and the nature of being an intended mom. It's nothing J is or isn't doing. It's just my reaction to the situation. Ironically, that's the only thing I do have control over - my reaction to the situation. I have been trying to calm down but it's very hard right now. Truth be told, I'm actually looking forward to being exhausted after they come because it will mean that these constant nerves will give way to excitement and fatigue. No matter how tired I am, it has to be better than the constant butterfly feelings in my stomach right now. :)