Part of why I haven't written this to date, aside from the fact that the babies take up 99% of my time, is that I really wasn't sure how to process those three days in the hospital. I wasn't sure how I could possibly write a legitimate birth story when I couldn't yet identify my own feelings or put into words how I felt. What I have come to is this: the three days at the hospital were the most stressful three days of my life. There, I said it. I feel like birth stories are always these glowing reports of joyous elation and the fact that it was a very stressful three days for me in many ways made me feel like something was wrong with me. Don't get me wrong, it was also the most amazing three days of my life. But that amazement was absolutely balanced with a stress level I have never before experienced. MUCH of that was a direct result of being an IM and my conflicted feelings seeing a friend go through so much. Surrogacy is a unique experience from that perspective and in the interest of providing a real account to help other expecting IMs understand how they might feel, I will be as honest as I can about the lows as well as the more obvious highs.
Before the Delivery
J came off bed rest at 36 weeks. She still had contractions, but they weren't changing her cervix and they had actually decreased since going on bed rest a couple of weeks prior. We all were elated to make it to the 36 week mark because we felt the babies would be fine if they came after that point. We also thought that they would come soon after she got off bed rest since the contractions would start again. Even so, when we went to our routine NST the morning after J's first day off bed rest, I would have bet the moon that that WASN'T the day. Pretty much every other appointment I thought it would happen but I was confident it would NOT happen that day. I didn't leave out extra food for the cats, I didn't wear what I wanted to wear for delivery. But as soon as J got hooked up to the monitors, I could see those contractions coming on way stronger than ever before and I started to realize...that was probably going to be it. J had felt funny earlier in the morning too. While watching the contractions I was getting excited. I really wanted those babies to come! I really wanted J to not have to be pregnant anymore too, so I was gladly willing to have the babies a little early in exchange for her being able to get on with her life. Soon, we were moved to the L&D triage for more monitoring. It became clear quickly that this was the day. She was dilating fast and they scheduled the c-section for 4 pm since she had eaten that morning. But nothing was slowing down the dilation after a while and they said she needed to just go in for the c-section about 1 pm instead. We went from going to our routine NST to being scheduled for the birth 4 hours later. I went outside to call B, who was watching J's children at her house. Me: "Hi. We're having the babies today." B: "Okaaay. Really?" Me: "Yes" (in shock) B: "Okaaayy, I'll make arrangements to get down there." (in shock) Nothing prepares you, no matter how much warning, for the moment that you realize that's THE day. Nothing at all. I was totally shaking at this point.
Eventually, B and R (J's husband) arrived. We were all led to a room where they could wait while I "attended" the big event. I suited up in one of those white snow suit things and hair cap with mask. They whisked J away to the room for the spinal and other preparation. The three of us sat in the room just laughing nervously and looking at the clock. I felt like I was going to throw up. I was very nervous. When they came and told me it was time to go in I was very scared and stressed. No one had told me what it would be like in there and it was just a total unknown. I kissed B goodbye and headed down the hallway.
The Delivery Room
I was led into the delivery room (an operating room), where there were probably 10 medical professionals and lots of equipment and tools. J was strapped into the table with the curtain down so she couldn't see anything. I was directed to sit on a stool by her head, behind the curtain, though I was on the end of it so I could see the doctors and everything. I was struck by how serious the mood was. It wasn't like a "hey, this is so exciting, your children are about to be born!" room. It was a "we are about to do a major medical procedure so everyone get your ducks in a row" room. It felt VERY tense. I was afraid to move. I literally sat like a statue on the stool. No one talked to me or told me what to expect, I was just placed on the stool. I looked at J and she was staring straight up at the ceiling. I figured she was sort of out of it from meds and such and didn't want to make her talk so I didn't talk to her. I wanted to comfort her somehow but I didn't know what to do. I rubbed her arm a little but felt a cord and was afraid to pull something out. I tried to rub her hand but thought she probably wanted to be left alone to concentrate. Then suddenly a nurse asked her something and she replied as clear as day. I remember feeling very shocked that she was so lucid. Then I wondered, does she want me to talk to her? Should I be doing or saying something? Does she think I don't realize how scared she probably is because I'm not doing more? I was, quite honestly, terrified. Terrified not knowing what was about to happen, terrified not knowing how to help J, terrified seeing the surgical tools, terrified that we may or may not have two healthy babies in the next few minutes. I was practically paralyzed with fear and numbness. Then they started the c-section. J is a really independent, strong and unemotional person - but I could see she was scared and anxious. It was horrible sitting there seeing her grimace as they pulled and tugged on her. I didn't touch her or say anything because it looked like she was concentrating. Not long after I saw a gush of water to the floor. I made the association: water broke, baby coming. Sure enough, within 5 seconds I saw kicking purplish legs and feet emerge. I simply can't put a word on that feeling because I don't know what it was. Complete fear? Complete shock? Complete disbelief there was a live baby in there? Complete joy to see two legs? Some combination of these? I honestly feel like all of these happened so simultaneously that they canceled each other out and I was left numb. I burst into tears, completely overwhelmed. I could hardly catch my breath. People were exclaiming, "wow, he's a big one!" They wisked Nathan away to one of the beds in the room for the doctors and nurses to evaluate. I was still sitting on the stool. No one told me what to do and I was so scared to make a bad move. One minute later I saw identical feet and legs come out. More exclamations of "she's big too!" and comments on how there was no doubt they were siblings. It was surreal. There really were two live babies in there. If you have never struggled with infertility, maybe that seems like a weird thing to say. But if you have, you probably understand what I mean. You just don't believe they are really there until you see them. It all hit home: we had two live babies!
Kenna was moved to the other bed for evaluation. So there were my two children, far from view, surrounded by people. Could I see them? Could I take pictures? Could I move from my statue position on the stool? Heck if I knew, no one said a word to me. Finally the doctor (who was our OB) looked at me and said something like, "you should go see your babies". It was almost in a tone like, "why aren't you over there?" I felt so uncomfortable, like I was an unwelcome foreigner in the room, the hovering parent when more important things like medical evaluations were going on. I asked a nurse on the way to the beds if I could take a picture now and she said yes. My legs felt heavy and my heart pounded as I walked toward the babies, still surrounded by people. I couldn't believe I was about to see them the first time. Would they look normal? Would they be healthy? Would they look like us? Would I automatically know they were my babies? Would they look so different I would think the embryos were mixed up on transfer day and that's the only reason we got pregnant? I was so stressed and nervous to go over there. I looked at Nathan first. He just looked like a baby - not someone I "knew". It was hard to look at him through everyone so I took a picture. The doctor then got mad at me and said, "no pictures yet! I will tell you when!" Me (shaking): "Oh, I asked someone else and they said it was OK. I'm sorry." I looked at Nathan a little longer, just staring at him in disbelief. A real baby. My real baby? Then I looked at Kenna. She was gurgling up a lot of fluid and they seemed concerned. I didn't dare ask any questions. I asked them if I could take a picture of her and they said sure (while they continued working on her). Like a journalist working to document a scene that didn't quite register, I just started snapping pictures.
No one had said, "the babies look great!" or "this is all normal procedure, they are doing great!" or "their apgar scores are/were..." I realized at one point while taking pictures that I had practically stopped breathing I was so stressed at not knowing what was happening. I finally got the courage to ask one of these intense medical professionals, "are they OK? Are they normal?" Honestly, I don't even recall what they said, just that Kenna had a lot of fluid they were trying to get out. In the meantime, they went to weigh Nathan. Since I always see that people have pictures of the new baby on a weight scale I walked over and desperately tried to angle my camera between everyone. No one had even told me they were going to weigh him at that point - it was just luck that I saw they were taking him over to do that and I tagged along. They wrapped him up and finally said, "are you ready to hold him?" I gulped and said, "sure!" They put him in my arms and I couldn't have been stiffer. I just stared at him in disbelief, standing in the middle of the operating room with people whirling around me. It sort of felt like standing in the middle of a tornado. I asked if I could walk over and show him to J. They said yes so I turned around and headed over when I saw something that I wish I hadn't: they were stitching up J. I will leave out the details of what I saw, but suffice it to say that it was so shocking to have accidentally seen that that there was a part of me that wanted to rewind everything, give the babies back, and magically make J not have to go through that. I was *horrified* that a friend was experiencing what I got a glimpse of. I felt like running out of the room and bawling. It was almost too much to bear. I walked on to see her and was holding him up when I got to her head. She looked over and all I could eek out was, "this is Nathan!" I stood there for a minute holding him so she could see him and she asked how much they weighed. She was grimacing from the stitch up process though and I figured that she wanted to be left alone so after a little bit I walked away with him, over to see what was happening with Kenna.
They told me that she needed to go to the NICU because she had so much fluid. They said it was common for c-section babies. Honestly, I didn't think much of it at that point. I thought she would be there for a couple of hours while we bonded with Nathan and then she would come back. Before they left, one nice nurse asked if I wanted a picture of them together. I was so grateful for that opportunity. I remember shaking so hard but telling myself that I would be furious later if that picture was blury. I held my breath and got a good one (the one I originally posted).
Then they said for me to follow out of the room and J would be wheeled back to us in a bit. I felt so bad leaving with the babies and J staying there, but it was also a relief to get out of that room. I couldn't wait to see B and share the babies. Apparently, he had already seen Kenna as they were wheeling her away to the NICU. The nurse wheeled Nathan into our room and put him in the warmer thing. We were now free to get to know him.
Post-Delivery - the Rest of Day 1
If there was a ton of bricks on me in the delivery room, a good majority of them were removed when it was just one nurse, me, B and R with little Nathan to enjoy in the postpartum room. What a RELIEF to feel like we could be excited and happy! What a RELIEF to just touch him, love him, and not feel like I was about to do something wrong any minute. What a RELIEF to finally look at him as long as we wanted and know that he was perfectly fine. It was so awesome to share that with B and just be so joyful that our little boy looked great and was the cutest little boy ever born. :) My heart melted as B picked him up. R got some fabulous pictures of our first moments fawning over little Nathan together and I'm so grateful to him for thinking to do that. They capture such raw emotion - joy, pride, relief and elation. This is my favorite one - the proud new parents smiling and snapping photos:
Soon after, J was wheeled in and I was SO happy to see her. She looked good despite the whole ordeal. I could tell how tired she was, but I was so relieved that she looked like she didn't completely hate us. I was so proud to be able to hand her Nathan. She looked so cute holding him. She hadn't even seen Kenna because I hadn't been allowed to hold her before they took her to the NICU. We spent some more time with little Nathan and he was quickly going from "stranger baby" to our precious little guy. I was surprised how fast that happened. He just felt like ours once we had a few minutes to get to know him on our own terms.
We then were told we could go see Kenna in the NICU. They hadn't admitted her yet because they were still observing her. But later that day they said they had to admit her because she was having some trouble breathing due to that fluid. She needed to be put on oxygen. I still thought it would be a really short stay (maybe a day or two) so I didn't freak out. I was disappointed, but I knew we could get to know Nathan in the meantime.
It was finally time for us to get moved to the room where we would stay from then on. The hospital was very generous with us and gave us a large room with a curtain partition between two beds so that B and I could stay in a hospital bed ourselves. It was perfect because I didn't feel like we were leaving J to be in another room, yet it gave both her and us privacy.
Once we got to this room, we could then invite B's parents in, who had been in the waiting room for quite a while. I couldn't wait to share Nathan with them! They have been incredibly supportive throughout this process and were as excited as we were for these little ones to join our family. They were beaming when they got to see and hold him. It made me beam too. :) They gave me the most beautiful gift - a silver necklace with engraved boy/girl twins. I just love it and it's so special to wear!
Nurses continued to come in and out constantly to do all the normal newborn checking. Nathan had low blood sugar so they kept pricking his heel regularly to monitor the levels after his every-2-hour feedings. They came to give him a bath, to give us birth certificate papers, and all kinds of other things. Oh, and probably to tell us for the 800th time to make sure he always sleeps on his back to help prevent SIDS.
I delighted in all the normal newborn stuff with Nathan because it made me feel so normal as a parent. I also loved having my own hospital bed because in a weird way, getting to lie there and hold him made me feel like all the other moms of the world who lie in a hospital bed after birth with their little ones. I really, really loved that opportunity though I know how strange that must sound.
Meanwhile, J was very, very sick from all the meds. It was very difficult to be there, basking in the joy of little Nathan, while J was absolutely miserable one curtain away. I hated not being able to help her. I assumed she wanted to be alone and not visit during that time so we just kind of kept to ourselves unless she said she needed something. I constantly second guessed what we were doing, and wondered if we could somehow do more.
That first night I couldn't believe the constant flow of people coming in and out of the room. It was miserable! There was no rest for the weary, that's for sure! They kept checking to make sure we were feeding regularly, changing diapers, looking at how much he ate, etc. When he would cry, they would come in as if we were doing something wrong. At one point when he was screaming during a diaper change, there were 3 nurses surrounding us just staring at us changing the diaper. I just about screamed I was so annoyed...I finally said, "Everything's fine here, JUST CHANGING A DIAPER!!!"
B was over in his chair asleep and had said his cell phone alarm to remind us to feed every two hours, but I hardly slept so everytime he stumbled over to tell me it was time, I was already well into the feeding. He was amazed, given that I'm not a night person at all. But I couldn't wait to hold and feed my baby! It was just a pleasure to learn a little something more about his care each time. I was definitely in love by that point.
The Second Day
The second day was really a blur for me, but I would sum it up as the day we realized Kenna's NICU stay was not going to be so short after all. J had said she couldn't believe how we weren't more stressed about having Kenna in the NICU on the first day (I think she was really worried about her). I kept saying that it would be short and I had always expected a little NICU time since they would come early. But the realization that we had an indefinite stay on our hands on the second day finally sent me flying. I remember going to the NICU to see her one particular time that day, not getting any straight answers about how long she would be there, and finally bursting into tears. They said, "probably just several days, a week or two". That was NOT within my realm of expectation. I remember my eyes bulging out at that point and saying, "A WEEK OR TWO?!?!?!" NOW I was stressed. It was hard to be exhausted and managing Nathan in the room and at the same time trading off who would go for NICU feedings. I just wanted Kenna with us. I was incredibly frustrated with the NICU then, and for the rest of her eventual 9 day stay. The main doctor didn't speak English well and was completely unwilling to provide an estimate of her stay. I finally got to the point where I said, "Look, you have to understand our point of view on this. I completely get that you don't want to disappoint parents and tell them the baby will only be here a couple of days when it turns out to be longer. I'm sure that you have been burned many times by that. But you have to understand that at this point we have NO IDEA if you the likelihood is greater that it will be a couple of days or a couple of weeks. We don't even know if this is life threatening or something!" His gentle response? "Not life threatening, but things can change." She was just there for oxygen! There was one kind nurse of the entire bunch who was kind enough to provide encouragement without overpromising. She said it was a common problem for slightly preterm babies, and for c sections, and that it would probably just be a few days to get her on her feet. I was so grateful for that.
J was absolutely miserable on day 2. It certainly didn't get any easier to see her that way either. I was literally ecstatic when they told us we would all (except Kenna) be going home the next day. I wanted J to rest more peacefully and I wanted to finally feel like we were on our own without a constant stream of nurses coming in and out. I couldn't wait.
B knew how stressed I was about Kenna and J and kept comforting me. That second night he stayed in the hospital bed with me rather than the chair because R came to stay with J. It was wonderful to have him next to me. When Nathan started crying, we put him between us and those were some of the most special moments of our stay. B was just the best husband and daddy imaginable, comforting both me and Nathan! At one point in the middle of the night he whispered, "I picked a song for you" (referring to his mp3 player which I didn't even realize he had brought). He put the headphones on me while I was lying there and played me a Christian song we both love that was especially appropriate at that moment. As I laid there listening to it, I closed my eyes, held Nathan in one arm, with my face against B's, and drifted off to sleep in a special moment I'll never forget.
The Third Day
Day 3 was all about going home preparations. I got Nathan into his going home outfit and he was so cute to finally be in the clothes we had purchased (as opposed to hospital stock)! It was exciting to feel like I was "making him mine". I took a million pictures in that little outfit. He was adorable. They brought the celebratory lunch and cider for us, and B, J, R and I all shared it. It was a nice end to the hospital time. J seemed to be less sick than the day before so I felt a bit more positive. We said bye to Kenna and I felt really sad that she couldn't come home with us. But we agreed that we would bring Nathan back when she was ready so that we could all leave together on the "second try" (which we eventually did!).
We got down to the cars and it was time to go. What on earth do you say to J and R at that point? "Thanks for the babies! See you soon!"? "That was great, you're the best!"? Looking back I don't even remember what I said. I guess I knew that there was nothing profound I could say to sum it all up at that point. We all hugged and J and R drove away. We got Nathan all strapped in and I sat in the back seat with him on the way home. Between there and home and I just couldn't stop crying. I was exhausted, relieved, and ecstatic that we were headed home, part of our little family together at home for the first time.
Once we got home and got Nathan out and settled a little, I sat on the couch holding him. And then I cried so hard I didn't think I could stop. My tears just covered his little body. I kept telling him, "I love you so much". The joy had finally exploded from my heart in the safety of my home. Pure, unbridled joy. Pure, unbridled love. He and Kenna had arrived safely. The dream had come true. There really was a happily ever after for us. May we never, ever take that for granted.
16 comments:
You write the most amazing things in your blog. I love reading it, and I love seeing pictures of the babies...so post more! :) You guys have had such an amazing journey...Im so happy you finally got your miracles.
First, you normally keep your house at 75 degrees?? Wow..that's warm!
Second, I loved reading the birth story. I felt like I was there and I'm glad for how honest you were. I wish there would have been no negatives, but I know that's impossible given the situation. We had some, too. I loved picturing the three of you in the hospital bed together drifting off to sleep..so sweet. And how great the hospital gave you a bed!!!
I love reading about your two cuties. :)
I was anticipating your birth story and you did not disapoint N! Thank you so much for sharing and being so open about your experience. U have truly captured into words the essence of heart of intended parenthood blooming into parenthood.
beautiful story.....may you hold on to your happily ever after. congrats!!
I am so very happy for you guys!
N - love your honesty. You definitely captured what it *can* be like to be an IM - all the confusion about what part you get to play in it all.
We were lucky in that our birth was natural and we had our regular OB who was VERY familiar with both my sister and our story so I felt very comfortable (if not incredibly nervous!) the whole time.
I was more stressed after the birth as we tried to adjust to being her parents in the hospital - so much easier to do that at home.
Anyway, thanks for sharing. It was great to read your experience.
Thanks for sharing, I do wonder what it will be like, and wonder how we will all be treated... it's great to read the story, I wonder if the nurses constant checking is normal (I know I hopefully will wonder the same things, will they see me differently then birth mothers?).
Glad that they are both home with you.
Hi Natasha,
Thank you for the very real and honest story - it made me cry. And just so you know, both of our birth experiences in the hospital were incredibly traumatic and stressful - so you guys are not alone. Nathan and Kenna are BEAUTIFUL. I can't wait to meet them.
Karrie
Although it WAS a novella to read I loved every word of it. Because it was honest but most of all it was how it REALLY IS!
You brought a lot of still very fresh memories back about our birth. It was actually similar in a few ways (though we did have only one babe and it was a natural birth!)
Congrats again!!! The kids look amazing!!!!
Mark
Oh man, you got me, the tissues are out...
Thank you for sharing your birth story and for 'telling it like it was.' I am truly terrified myself as we already know our GS has to have a C-section for delivery of our boys (since she has had 2 sections before). I just can't even picture what we'll do with ourselves with her having to go through that major procedure and having such a difficult recovery. To be so happy to have our babies and to be so worried about her at the same time. I know it will be hard. So thank you for sharing your experience!
I'm so happy that everyone is home and safe now!
And don't worry - you're not alone with the cold house thing - I think I'll start turning our heat down now so I can adjust because I too get cold really easily!
N, thank you so much for commenting on our surrogacy journey blog and linking me back to your own. I can't tell you how wonderful it has been reading your posts. It was like an exciting novel I couldn't put down -- I had to read the whole thing in one sitting! Cory and I are just at the beginning of our journey, so reading about your experience has given me much hope.
Warmest holiday wishes to you and your family of four! :)
I am so happy that you shared all the details. Your openness and honesty are amazing! I am so happy for you and your husband. The photo of the two of you with your little guy is absolutely beautiful--the joy and love for your child shows through in both of you. Congrats Mama!
Thank you for sharing your birth story! My heart hung on every word. (((Sniff Sniff))) I need a tissue!
Alicia
What a beautiful birth story, so honest and open and I really appreciate that. Sometimes it's hard to see things in the view of the Intended Parents, so we think "why did they do that?" or "what were they thinking?", and then when you actually hear what it is that IPs are going through a new light shines through and understanding for the other side of things.
You wrote so well it was as if I was there, and in the moment, thanks so much for that. I have really enjoyed following your journey and hearing all the trials and tribulations and want to wish you all the best with your new family in the new year!
Thank you for the wonderful birth story, N! As usual, I so appreciate your candor and willingness to share everything with us. It helps me a lot as I imagine our big day.
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