I feel like I'm in a science experiment.

I love research and analysis. I have an MBA with an emphasis in Market Research (the intersection of marketing and statistics) and actually get excited about setting up experiments to test hypotheses about things. This week I've been thinking about what a ball of emotions I am right now and have noted various behaviors that are out of the ordinary for me. It occurred to me that I am like a "control group" for the emotional part of pregnancy that doesn't stem from the physical. Let me explain. In experimentation, the control group is the group of people who aren't exposed to something you test for so you can compare to another group that was exposed to something. For example, you could give a "control group" a survey about their feelings on a brand. At the same time you could have the "test group" watch a positive commercial for the same brand then answer the same survey. The difference in results between the test group and control group are presumably chalked up to the effectiveness of the commercial.

In pregnancy there are many emotional and physical things that happen. But what if you separate pregnancy into "only" the physical part without the emotions involved with actually adding a baby to your family (J's part, the surrogate) and "only" the emotional part with the knowledge that a baby is coming but no physical contributions from the pregnancy experience or even hormones (me, the intended parent)? It's a really interesting thought to break out the two components. I wanted to write a few traditional pregnancy-related things that I am experiencing without the physical component and maybe J can write a matching blog about the traditional pregnancy-related things that she is experiencing without the emotional component! (Note that I don't mean there are no emotions on her end, I'm referring specifically to the emotional aspect of mentally preparing for a baby that will be part of the family.)

The most interesting phenomenon that I'm seeing, and J and I have discussed, is nesting. It is well known that pregnant women "nest", or organize significantly, during their pregnancies to prepare the home for a baby. Now, I am a major planner by nature. But lately I have been taking planning and organizing to a whole new level. I am meticulously working out details of every aspect of every thing that could possibly be organized before the babies come. It occurred to me that maybe the "nesting" thing comes without the physical pregnancy. So I wondered if Jenn would "nest" even though there is no baby to prepare for...she said she has been! Isn't that interesting? She said she spent all weekend organizing stuff. So maybe nesting is BOTH physical and emotional!

It's also well known that pregnant women are especially emotional due to hormones. Well, I have been overly emotional for the last few weeks, and especially lately - without hormones! I get emotional about everything and cry at the drop of a hat! Here are a bunch of examples:

1. I've been extremely sad about the one year anniversary of my grandmother's passing coming up. I'm overwhelmed by the thought that she didn't get to know that we finally were having a baby and that I can't share this with her (we were extremely close). And it's all my fault; I couldn't get pregnant in time. Had we gotten pregnant when we started, she could have enjoyed her great grandchildren for a couple of years. I am racked with guilt even though I know I couldn't help it. I cry at least once a week about this lately.

2. Seeing baby clothes at the store makes my heart jump for joy! Really, seeing anything baby-oriented (magazines, etc.) makes my insides all warm and fuzzy. Sometimes it brings tears to my eyes for no reason at all, other than I can't believe it's happening. I seriously had a wall 50 feet high around me to ignore all things baby related for the last few years. Then I stuck a toe in the door, then an arm through, and now I have burst onto the scene, jumping at any chance to go to Babies R Us! But it sometimes makes me cry because I get emotional about it!

3. After years on message boards with others having trouble conceiving, you make a lot of "online friends". I still follow the journies of my friends still trying through either their blogs or message board posts. Several recently have had more IVF failures and every time it makes me cry. I feel the frustration and anger for them in a heartbeat. I so much want the happy ending for everyone.

4. I heard on the radio the other day that someone for the first time took advantage of Pasadena's "safe drop" program, where you can leave a baby that you don't want. I cried.

5. A friend of mine is working on adopting and had a match fall through. This was just after I heard about the baby "dropped off" in Pasadena. It's so unfair. I cried.

6. J posted a video of her last shot from about 10 weeks ago on her blog. I associate those shots with utter and complete failure, but in that video she was 12 weeks pregnant with our twin babies. It was such a weird thing to watch her do the shot that I had done so many times without result next to an adorable pregnant belly with OUR babies. I really can't describe it, but it was emotional for me to watch that, thinking back to everything we have come from. I cried.

7. Now that this is really seeming like it is going to happen I am having those traditional fears...how will I survive with no sleep? Do we really just have 3 months left before our lives change FOREVER (keep in mind we have been happily married for almost 9 years!)? When will we get to go camping again (favorite summer activity)? When will we get to go snowboarding again (favorite winter activity)? What will become of my career? Will I want to go back to work? Will I feel like everything I've built career-wise is for nothing? What if I'm not a good mom? What if I'm too strict? What if J regrets doing this because she thinks are kids are little terrors? :) I don't cry over these things but I know subconsciously I'm especially obsessed right now with the career questions. I've been dreaming LITERALLY every night for the last couple of months that it is the last day of school. Different situations, but always the last day of school. I couldn't figure out what that meant until last night when the dream was more specific. In the dream it was the last day of college and I was sad because I had wanted to take Spanish and never did, I had wanted to try tennis or soccer and never took it, I had wanted to learn more about psychology but didn't have time to take the class. I realized that all these last day of school dreams meant that I'm worried that all the things I have wanted to both learn and achieve will not go any further now that we're going to have a family. With my career in an uncertain mode, I am freaked out that from here on all my interests and personal achievement dreams may be dying. No matter how exciting it is to finally be having a family, anyone in their right mind would feel the pressure of facing a big life change and my subconscious is working on overdrive.

So, yes, I am a ball of emotions - no pregnant belly contributing! On the flip side of tears, I'm constantly in a state of excitement too. Ever since Nathan and Sara gained genders and names, they have become a real part of our family. We talk about them every day. We wonder if Nathan will be musical like B, or if Sara will have a fiery temper like me. We imagine what it will be like when we are driving to have Nathan and Sara riding in the back. We talk about how old they'll have to be to go backpacking or camping. We talk about the values we want to instill in them. We discuss our ideas on discipline. We ask each other how we would handle various situations that we see come up with other kids. We talk about what it will be like to hold them the first time. Today I casually said something in conversation with B about Nathan and Sara's playroom. I guess it's hard to describe how weird it is to both of us that the word "playroom" would be thrown around in OUR vocabulary. B and I looked at each other after I said it and B reminded me, "we're talking about a playroom because we're having a family". Although it could have gone either way, instead of crying I jumped up and down and straight into his arms.