Week 6: Was it the "peak?"

About a month before we had the twins I had posted on a twin mom message board a question about the first couple of weeks after birth and what it would be like having two babies for the first time. My assumption was that things would be crazy for a first time mom and I wanted to get an idea of what to expect. I'm not someone who likes to be surprised. :) I received many responses and a good number of them echoed the same thing: the first couple of weeks were actually not bad, it is the few weeks after that which get crazy. All my reference books say similar things, that babies tend to get fussier and fussier, with the "peak" usually around the six week mark.

Well, you can see where that preamble is going. In the beginning I was honestly thinking, "I can't believe people make such a big deal about having kids. We have TWO and it's really not all that crazy." About the third week I started thinking, "Well, if we only had one it definitely wouldn't be very hard, but with TWO, things sure are a bit hard sometimes." The fourth week was actually not too bad and I thought, "We're already through the worst!" Then week five came along and, well, we all know how week 5 ended (see last blog post; memory jogger - red wine on carpet and screaming babies after very long week of much crying and first week as full time mom without daddy to help).

And then there was week six. Oh week six. How you were even more difficult than week five! There were no dramatic events like in week five, but overall it was more difficult. The babies were definitely fussier in general, but I think it was more me who was having a difficult time than them.

When you go through a lot to have kids, most people assume you must just float on cloud nine every day forever more once they arrive. My blog has always been about honesty, so here it is: having babies is just as challenging and frustrating when you had to go through six IVFs and surrogacy to have them. :)

I figure that week 6, the supposed peak of craziness, is an ideal time to share the frustrations that come with newborns whether you had to stand on your head for 10 years to get them or got pregnant the first try. I hope that for those of you who are expecting via your surrogate, this post will be in the back of your mind after your little one's/ones' arrival so you don't feel guilty for having challenging times like everyone else! This post is not to complain - I will never lose sight of what a blessing this all is - but rather to address the every day realities that are part of being a new mom. And I can write this without feeling guilty since 1) I've read many other posts of this nature and know that this is totally normal and 2) the first thing that strangers say to you after you tell them how old your babies are is, "oh wow, well, it gets better". I think everyone knows that this is not the most fun time you will have with your children!

On this tour of what has made me slightly insane this week (or maybe cumulatively), we will have 4 stops:

1) The non-stop need to feed
2) Crying without reason
3) Crying with an intensity that doesn't match the need
4) The one-way relationship


The non-stop need to feed

Every three hours. Half an hour each baby. Eight hours per day I have a bottle in my hand. Sitting. Feeding. Burping. Feeding. Changing positions. Feeding. A full one third of my life is doing this right now. It truly gets mind numbing after a while. I keep thinking there is no way they still need to eat this often so I start to stretch it out once in a while to 3.5 hours to see how that would go with 7 feedings rather than 8. By night they are super hungry and cry, cry, cry because they just don't have big enough stomachs yet to take in more during the rest of the day. So, back to every 3 hours. I've also tried to get them to take more per feeding but they have really plateaued at about 3.5 ounces for Kenna and 4/4.5 ounces for Nathan. Most books recommend moving to a 4 hour schedule at 6 weeks but I know we're not quite there. I'm absolutely dying for it. The one day I stretched to 3.5 hours during the day was like heaven. It made such a difference! They can do one 4 hour stretch at night without feeding but we're not making waves of progress there either (toward the 5 or 6 hour stretches theoretically possible). They just have to eat every 3 hours and there's no getting around it. I desperately want to have more time to play with them, read books, sing, listen to music with them, etc. But it's really hard to have that when you are constantly sitting around with a bottle.

(Incidentally, the one thing we have had major and critical success with is getting them to know the difference between night and day - it's been a couple of weeks since we've had any issue getting them to go straight to sleep after the midnight and 3 am feedings. Even though they don't sleep all the way through without eating, they pretty much eat in their sleep and go right back to dreamland. This is AWESOME because night times really aren't a big deal for us.)


Crying without reason

In our house, we've developed the 6-9pm nightly crazies. Every night between this time both babies are extremely fussy. I don't know why, but I have read it's common to have more fussiness late afternoon/early evening (especially around 6 weeks) and boy do we have it. Especially with Nathan, but some with Kenna too. They won't go to sleep during that cycle usually and just cry no matter what you do. Cry, cry, cry. I find it VERY VERY VERY hard to be sympathetic during this time because there is NO reason for them to be fussing! They aren't hungry, they aren't wet, they don't want to play, they don't want to sleep, they are JUST FUSSY! I just want to explain to them, "I feed you every three hours all you want to eat. I change your diaper so you are always clean. I bathe you regularly. I read to you. I tell you stories. I tell you all about the things around you. I hold you. I cuddle you. I dance with you. I love you. You scream for 3 hours every night. WHY?! WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN?!!" I can't STAND things that don't make logical, objective sense, and this is the epitome of that. There are other times periodically when it happens and when it does it just makes me nuts. Crying when there is an obvious "need" (food, diaper, sleep, play time, scenery change, etc.) really doesn't bother me at all. They cry, you fill the need, done. I can handle that crying. But inconsolable, "I'm crying just because" crying is something I just can't fathom dealing with every night for the foreseable future.


Crying with an intensity that doesn't match the need

There have been times when I thought Nathan was being tortured by a thousand little people in his crib given the intensity of the sudden crying. I jump up and run in and see that no, it's not torture, there's no pain, there's nothing crazy going on, he just wants the pacifier that fell out. I guess this falls under the same category as above - things that just don't make objective sense. Why do babies have to SCREAM when they just want a pacifier, or they are ready to eat, etc.?


The one-way relationship

If you have read my blog for a while, you might remember a post where I gave the analogy of picturing myself with older kids when I thought of us having a family ("butterflies") and never with babies ("caterpillars"). I was saying that I couldn't even picture what having caterpillars would be like because they were such different creatures than the butterflies I always dreamed of us having. When I pictured having kids, I pictured them learning to snowboard, building sand castles at the beach, going to gymnastics classes, summer Saturdays at the pool and quiet nights reading stories together. Maybe because I've never been around babies, maybe because I'm just not a baby person by nature, I never, ever pictured us with babies.

I still don't.

But at least now I realize WHY the concept of B and I taking care of babies seemed (in the past) and seems (currently) foreign: Neither of us is the nurturing type. We are extreme type A, analytical, right brain people. When this is your personality type (and we are both far on that side of the spectrum), you aren't a care taker by nature, and now more than ever I realize that's what this stage of having kids is ALL about. It's truly a ONE way relationship:

Baby needs to eat. Baby cries. You feed baby.
Baby pooped. Baby cries. You change baby.
Baby is bored. Baby cries. You move baby.
You talk to baby lovingly. Baby doesn't seem to care and stares at you blankly.
You smile at baby. Baby doesn't smile at you.
You get to know baby more and more all the time. Baby couldn't care less about you as long as baby's needs are met.
You love baby. Baby doesn't even seem to recognize you.

I guess that I expected all of this in the first couple of weeks, so it didn't really cross my mind as something that bothered me initially. But I would have thought that the last four things on the list - the more emotional two-way aspects - would develop more quickly. It's not something I ever consciously considered, but I guess I just thought they would be reciprocating on the emotional aspects much sooner. (Yes, I know that I will be doing the first three things on the list for much longer.) It feels like with all the work involved in the first three things, you would get more back on the last four. :) When there are no smiles back, no looks of happiness or recognition, only the states of default silence or upset crying, it makes it feel more like work and less like a loving relationship between baby and mommy. What about all those pictures of infants smiling at their mommies and mommy lovingly gazing back at baby? When does that happen? Trust me, I've been scouring my books to find out!

I know not everyone gets crazy about this kind of thing when having a baby because some people are more nurturing by nature and don't think twice about the one way relationship...they just enjoy caring for babies. My mom is a nurturer by nature - she loves taking care of others and providing comfort and it just comes naturally to her (incidentally, however, she has told me that the baby time period drove her crazy!). And of course I know that the ongoing role of a parent is to take care of their children...and I WANT to do that! I look forward to doing that for many years to come! But I also really look forward to feeling like there is a MUTUAL love and adoration that comes with it. Those first true smiles just couldn't arrive fast enough over here. :) (There have been smiles while falling asleep, and a couple of questionable responsive smiles from Nathan, but nothing that would be characterized as the beginning of true smiling.)

I've come to the conclusion that having babies does not necessarily make you into a "baby person" - someone who enjoys taking care of babies for the sake of taking care of babies. That is just a personality type and is not something that naturally comes to everyone. I adore Nathan and Kenna and I just long for them to get a little older. :) I'm trying REALLY hard to enjoy these days because everyone says they go by so fast. It's just not easy!


The upside

We made it to church with Nathan and Kenna for the first time on Sunday morning! The greeter went crazy over them and was calling others over to "look at the twins". She just loved seeing them and told us that they made her morning. (The few times we have been out with them people stop us everywhere to look at twins - I'll admit, the attention is fun!)

We went to the new parents room, where you can watch on the monitor and there were about 8 other couples in there. It was nice to be around others with babies. There was a woman changing a baby in the little changing area and the baby was screaming bloody murder. It actually made me really happy to see that it's not something I'm doing wrong, it's not something wrong with my kids, it's just that all babies are crazy little creatures without a perspective on the world yet and spend a lot of time crying. I had an inner sigh of relief with that reminder. I never thought only my kids cry, but the reminder in seeing it elsewhere was sooooo helpful. It felt good to go to church too with them, and return to our normal lives. We then went to lunch afterward. It went great - a very good morning.

I've started to understand what I've read about finding things you enjoy doing WITH the baby rather than TO the baby. Doing things constantly TO the baby is extremely tiring. But when you make the baby part of things you like to do too it is much more pleasant. B installed an internet radio system in the living room, where I am all day. I discovered an 80s music channel - I LOVE 80s music SOOOO much! I started playing it in the afternoon cycle and it put me in so much of a better mood. I suddenly started feeling way better. I picked up each baby (one at a time) and danced for a song around the room with them (they seemed to both really like it!). Yes, you can just see me dancing to "Come on Eileen" with Kenna - that's what we were doing. I found so much joy in that. I had fun. For the first time I felt like I was doing something WITH the babies rather than TO them. After a very looooong couple of weeks, it was really great. It will now be part of our afternoon routine. I will call it "80s with babies" time. :)

Stay tuned for the week 7 update...was week six the peak? Or will week seven defy the rules? :)