My last day at 31

I have been so busy lately that I practically forgot my birthday is tomorrow! I always get a bit pensive on my birthday about life and such (dramatically so, my husband would say), so it's only fitting that I do a post on my last day of being 31.

First, I just have to say that 32 sounds old! I just can't believe I'm two years into my thirties. That's practically 40, which is practically 50, which is practically time to retire and then...well...we all know what happens after that. Life seems to move by so quickly once you get beyond the teenage years and early 20s for some reason. I don't FEEL any older and that's what throws me off. But, when I really think about it, I am a very different person than I was even 3 years ago. A lot of that is due to the infertility experience, in both good and bad ways.

On the bad side, I think I have seen the worst of me. I had thoughts and feelings over the last 3 years I didn't think I was capable of thinking or feeling...things I wouldn't even want to admit in this blog. This is a side I wish I weren't capable of, but unfortunately I got to see it in the midst of depression and failures. I know more about me than I ever wanted to know.

On the good side, I have grown leaps and bounds as a person. I once read in a Dennis Prager book (or maybe heard on his radio show?) that he felt sorry for people who get to age 40 and have never faced a major life trial...because everyone will face trials later in life and if you aren't prepared for it by that time it will be exceedingly difficult. I think I laughed at that thinking that's what every sad bitter person would think to make themselves feel better. Now I completely understand what he was saying. I was NOT equipped to handle infertility, as few can be. But after it I feel equipped to handle quite a bit that would have crushed me before this. It has caused me to grow in many ways, but the following are the three biggest I think:

• Humility. I have always been a proud person - proud of all that I have accomplished, who I am, etc. I had gotten to a point where I felt like I could accomplish anything I wanted and that it was all in my court. I have been humbled hugely by this. There are major life circumstances that put certain things out of your control and I realize how little control we really have over many things in life.
• Empathy. Boy, can I relate to others going through tough times better now. I look back on things I've said to suffering people in the past and want to bury my face in a pillow now thinking of it. I feel like I could legitimately and comfortably talk to anyone no matter the crisis now, with a better understanding of how to talk to them.
• Faith. I have seen the depths of doubt in God and the heights of faith through this. And yes - even before we started this whole surrogacy thing - I had gotten to a point of having the strongest faith of my life. Infertility triggered a need in me to go deeper than "Sunday morning Christianity" to really understand my faith at a deeper level. I've grown so much as a Christian during this time because of my triggered passion for reading, studying the Bible, attending theology classes and embracing my small group that meets weekly (which J and R are part of!).

My last birthday was filled with an underlying despair - another year getting older, another year not knowing if I'll keep getting older without having children. Tomorrow will be my first birthday in a while that I will feel pure joy and anticipation for the year ahead! By the next birthday, we should have 6 month old twins to love and cherish and with whom to all grow older. :)