Nathan and Kenna hanging out
Nathan hanging out in his sweatsuit
One of the few times I have caught Kenna smiling on camera!
Awwwwww...
Some very excited grandparents meeting the babies for the first time...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Weeks 9 and 10 Pictures!
My mom cracking Nathan up...I love this picture! Look at their two faces!
Nathan and Kenna hanging out
Nathan hanging out in his sweatsuit
One of the few times I have caught Kenna smiling on camera!
Awwwwww...
Some very excited grandparents meeting the babies for the first time...
Nathan and Kenna hanging out
Nathan hanging out in his sweatsuit
One of the few times I have caught Kenna smiling on camera!
Awwwwww...
Some very excited grandparents meeting the babies for the first time...
Weeks 9 and 10 - Renewed Energy
I'm happy to report that here, at the end of week 10, I am feeling much better about things. My parents came to visit for the last week from out of state and it was the first time they got to meet the babies. It was also the first time I had a prolonged break, as my parents fully took over for seven days. OMG, what a difference that made.
I realize now that things were feeling harder and harder for me and I was at a point that I was desperately overwhelmed and exasperated. I had no patience left and was so bogged down in the day to day of baby care that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I was *trying* to enjoy this fleeting time, but I wasn't having much success raising my head above water day to day. I'm so grateful for all the comments on my last post. They helped me remember that this happens to a lot of people and that I'm not alone, no matter how overwhelming it all seems.
Having a break this week was soooooo amazing. I was, of course, still in the house, so I was still "with" the babies, but I only fed them once a day and my parents did all the other feedings and naps. I would come downstairs periodically from getting things done and just pop by to admire my precious little babies. Oooohhh how adorable they were when someone else was managing all the details! I noted Nathan's sweet baby smell, the strength of his little grasp, his impressive concentration, his precious little cheeks. I noted Kenna's beautiful eyes, her amazing little grin, her petite features, her dainty mannerisms. Each time I came by to see them I was taken by their beauty, by the miracle that they are here with us. I just wanted to hold them, love them, cherish them. It's not that I wasn't in love with them before, it's just that I didn't have time to think about it. My parents left yesterday and I have a renewed energy that I hope will last for a while. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to regain the bigger perspective for a bit.
I've also been thinking about what an amazing gift J gave us. When someone can be credited for bringing lives into the world that otherwise would not have existed, they can truly be credited with changing the world. It's not just about our lives - if Nathan and Kenna are blessed to live full, healthy lives, they will have the opportunity to change other people's lives themselves, have children of their own, and change the world in their own way. It's a perpetual gift. I'm blown away by the magnitude of what J and other surrogates do to change people's lives. It is so grand a gift that honestly, sometimes it feels like a burden; I feel indebted in an insurmountable way. I wish more than anything there was something that would be an adequate way of saying thank you, or a gift in kind. There is nothing like that. I am reminded of that fact all the time. Standing "back" and looking at Nathan and Kenna from a slight distance this week, I'm just struck by how J changed our lives in ways that can never, ever be repaid. We have absolutely beautiful, precious, amazing, gifts from God...and J...in our lives.
***
As far as baby news, here's what has been going on:
--I have stashed all the newborn size clothes and both babies are wearing 3 months!
--About a week ago the babies had their 2 month checkup and vaccinations. Nathan weighed 11 lbs 5 oz and Kenna weighed 10 lbs 3 oz! They are both almost exactly at the 50th percentile for height and weight (for full term babies at this point)! Kenna's head is in the 30th percentile - she has a very petite and dainty face. :) Neither baby had any reaction at all to the vaccines (other than screaming during the actual shots).
--Kenna's time finally came to start smiling regularly. This week, coinciding with grandma and grandpa's first visit, brought smile after smile. Both she and Nathan loved my parents. Nathan was just one big smile all week. Kenna still doesn't smile as much as Nathan, but this was really her first week of consistent smiles and it was so sweet. Both babies usually greet me with a smile first thing in the morning.
--Both babies track objects really well with their eyes - they will follow 180 degrees both ways.
--Our last feeding is at 10 pm (still on the same schedule) and we have been letting the babies wake up naturally after that, then putting them in the swing for the rest of the night until 7 am. They have been waking up later and later, which is the goal (we don't want to have to do any swing time!), and last night made it to 5:30. We've decided to train them out of the swings now and started letting them "cry it out" as of this morning. They pretty much cried from 5:30 to 6:30 then slept until 7. Not bad - the books say they usually cry at least 2 hours the first time you do that! I'm also working on putting them down for naps without the swing first.
--Nathan lifts his head really well off the ground, though he doesn't like tummy time very much. Kenna doesn't show much interest in lifting off the ground. Her neck is pretty strong if you sit her upright, so hopefully she'll get more interested in tummy time soon.
That's all for now!
I realize now that things were feeling harder and harder for me and I was at a point that I was desperately overwhelmed and exasperated. I had no patience left and was so bogged down in the day to day of baby care that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I was *trying* to enjoy this fleeting time, but I wasn't having much success raising my head above water day to day. I'm so grateful for all the comments on my last post. They helped me remember that this happens to a lot of people and that I'm not alone, no matter how overwhelming it all seems.
Having a break this week was soooooo amazing. I was, of course, still in the house, so I was still "with" the babies, but I only fed them once a day and my parents did all the other feedings and naps. I would come downstairs periodically from getting things done and just pop by to admire my precious little babies. Oooohhh how adorable they were when someone else was managing all the details! I noted Nathan's sweet baby smell, the strength of his little grasp, his impressive concentration, his precious little cheeks. I noted Kenna's beautiful eyes, her amazing little grin, her petite features, her dainty mannerisms. Each time I came by to see them I was taken by their beauty, by the miracle that they are here with us. I just wanted to hold them, love them, cherish them. It's not that I wasn't in love with them before, it's just that I didn't have time to think about it. My parents left yesterday and I have a renewed energy that I hope will last for a while. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to regain the bigger perspective for a bit.
I've also been thinking about what an amazing gift J gave us. When someone can be credited for bringing lives into the world that otherwise would not have existed, they can truly be credited with changing the world. It's not just about our lives - if Nathan and Kenna are blessed to live full, healthy lives, they will have the opportunity to change other people's lives themselves, have children of their own, and change the world in their own way. It's a perpetual gift. I'm blown away by the magnitude of what J and other surrogates do to change people's lives. It is so grand a gift that honestly, sometimes it feels like a burden; I feel indebted in an insurmountable way. I wish more than anything there was something that would be an adequate way of saying thank you, or a gift in kind. There is nothing like that. I am reminded of that fact all the time. Standing "back" and looking at Nathan and Kenna from a slight distance this week, I'm just struck by how J changed our lives in ways that can never, ever be repaid. We have absolutely beautiful, precious, amazing, gifts from God...and J...in our lives.
***
As far as baby news, here's what has been going on:
--I have stashed all the newborn size clothes and both babies are wearing 3 months!
--About a week ago the babies had their 2 month checkup and vaccinations. Nathan weighed 11 lbs 5 oz and Kenna weighed 10 lbs 3 oz! They are both almost exactly at the 50th percentile for height and weight (for full term babies at this point)! Kenna's head is in the 30th percentile - she has a very petite and dainty face. :) Neither baby had any reaction at all to the vaccines (other than screaming during the actual shots).
--Kenna's time finally came to start smiling regularly. This week, coinciding with grandma and grandpa's first visit, brought smile after smile. Both she and Nathan loved my parents. Nathan was just one big smile all week. Kenna still doesn't smile as much as Nathan, but this was really her first week of consistent smiles and it was so sweet. Both babies usually greet me with a smile first thing in the morning.
--Both babies track objects really well with their eyes - they will follow 180 degrees both ways.
--Our last feeding is at 10 pm (still on the same schedule) and we have been letting the babies wake up naturally after that, then putting them in the swing for the rest of the night until 7 am. They have been waking up later and later, which is the goal (we don't want to have to do any swing time!), and last night made it to 5:30. We've decided to train them out of the swings now and started letting them "cry it out" as of this morning. They pretty much cried from 5:30 to 6:30 then slept until 7. Not bad - the books say they usually cry at least 2 hours the first time you do that! I'm also working on putting them down for naps without the swing first.
--Nathan lifts his head really well off the ground, though he doesn't like tummy time very much. Kenna doesn't show much interest in lifting off the ground. Her neck is pretty strong if you sit her upright, so hopefully she'll get more interested in tummy time soon.
That's all for now!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Week 8 - We're all adjusting
I'm behind again but trying desperately to keep up with my weekly update! I don't want to get too behind, because I will use these posts to fill in the baby books and keep the babies' history! It's so awesome that there are still so many great readers who care about our little family even after the surrogacy is over. I would blog each week even if no one else cared, since this is really for the babies someday, but the fact that so many visitors come to the site still is just a cherry on top! :) Thanks so much to all of you for continuing to check in on us.
I'll update on a few key things, then I'll explain the blog title.
The schedule!
Drum roll please. Ahem. 2 nights in a row. NO MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FEEDING!!!!! (Picture me doing backflips of joy!) That's right, two nights in a row the babies have gone from 10p - 7a with NO feeding! Now, that doesn't mean they didn't wake up. They still wake up about 3a, but I decided two nights ago to try what one of the sleep books says - attempt to soothe back to sleep rather than feed so you can see if they are waking due to habit/inability to stay asleep for long periods vs. needing to eat. So, I moved them to the swings when they woke up and they both have gone back to sleep until the morning wake up time!
I credit this entirely to the beauty of the schedule, which continues to do wonders in our household. It's just about like clockwork at this point. One interesting thing is that when we started I had to use the 2-4 week old schedule, which I assumed was because they were premature. But in the last few days they have suddenly jumped way ahead and are almost hitting the eight week old schedule! They stay along for longer and take shorter naps.
We do have a couple of sleep problems. Kenna has a lot of trouble getting back to sleep during the day when she comes out of REM time (baby cycles are 45 minutes). She fully wakes up, especially during the morning nap, and just cannot go back to sleep on her own. On various occasions I've left her to cry for a long time and it just doesn't work yet for her. The other "problem" is that a couple of weeks ago I gave up on putting them down awake always like you are supposed to do (so they learn to go to sleep on their own). The problem was, I would leave them to cry until they slept, but they would cry so long that they didn't fall asleep, then they would be totally off in terms of learning the schedule. You can't fight both battles at once. So, I decided learning the schedule was most important first, and started putting them to sleep in my arms or in the swing then moving to the crib. I *HATE* myself for doing this because I swore from the beginning I wasn't going to allow them to become dependent on "outside" help for sleeping, but it just had to be done. Aside from schedule reasons, the crying was making me insane. Now that they are on such a great schedule, I plan to try again soon. My parents will be here next week and I don't want excessive crying to drive them crazy, so I'll wait until the week after. Right now, I don't mind having to put them to sleep in the middle of the night in the swing because it's helping them to learn to sleep through without eating. The next step will be to not put them in the swing but we'll wait for a bit on that.
Smiles!
We ARE getting smiles - not tons of smiles, but smiles. Some smiles are better than no smiles, right? Nathan usually smiles a handful of times during the day. Kenna smiles are unpredictable and far between. B said she was smiling like crazy at him last night during the 10p feed like he had never seen her do before. So, that made me feel better because at least we know she's getting there (I was getting worried). Nathan always smiles repeatedly during morning story time - it's his favorite (I read to them on boppies and take turns showing pages). Outside of that, he sometimes smiles later in the day, but morning gets the most. And I can't find anything besides story time that makes him beam consistently!
Current Challenges
I would say the biggest challenge for me right now is finding activities to fill up the time with. As they are awake longer and longer during the day, it's tough to find things to keep them entertained. I think they get bored (I certainly do!) and therefore they have been fussing more, especially in the afternoons. Not all out screaming like it used to be, just low grade "annoyance" (which results in my own low grade annoyance lol). It's really hard because they need more and more attention from me to keep them happy, but it's next to impossible to make them happy at the same time. I feel like while I'm keeping one happy the other is always crying, making it a less than pleasant experience. I would really like to have more one on one time with each of them and need to find ways to make that happen (with B staying with one on the weekend and me taking one or something).
I think this is just a tough stage to find things to occupy with since they don't sit up, they don't grab/hold, they don't "play". I spend all together too much time thinking about how I can't wait for them to be older - I'm so excited to PLAY with them! I get so excited thinking about their first holidays when they are older - Easter egg hunts, fourth of July pool time, Halloweens, etc. I think I have the mentality that I'm just biding time right now, trying to get through this phase that is necessary to get to the stuff I've always looked forward to. Then I feel guilty for not being able to keep myself more present and enjoying THESE moments. So, I'm trying. I really am.
We're all adjusting
I would say the theme of week 8 (and really week 9) has been that we're all adjusting (or trying to). The babies are adjusting to the world by getting on a good schedule, crying less, becoming more social, and coming into their own personalities more and more. We are adjusting by learning more and more about them and how to care for them. We are still adjusting to the new lifestyle. I sometimes forget that we can't just go out to eat anymore, we can't just go snowboarding, we can't just watch a movie without interruptions (scratch that, we can't even watch The Office without interruptions). I really, really miss having personal time. There are so many things I like to do and I haven't had time for any of them. It's a big, big change. Some days I feel like I'm doing really well, starting to get used to the new life dynamics, other days I feel really freaked out at the lack of personal freedom. It's not like I didn't *know* that this is what happens when you have kids. And it's not like this changes *anything* about wanting and loving them. It's just that it is a necessary transition for all new parents, and it probably is harder for some than others, depending on your personality and life before kids. I'm an only child, so I have always been very independent. It's weird to have two people depend on me for everything. In one of my blog posts about fears before they were born, I remember saying that I was scared I would feel like a person on one of those little gerbil running mills. Well, I do! BUT I wouldn't trade it for the world. When I think back to all the IVFs and depression and fear of never having these babies, it's almost unbearable to think of what it would be like if N & K didn't ever make it here. What if we never got to meet them? What if we only got to meet one of them? It's a horrible thought. We treasure these two little beings, even if is taking some time for us to adjust to everything having them means in our day to day lives.
I'll update on a few key things, then I'll explain the blog title.
The schedule!
Drum roll please. Ahem. 2 nights in a row. NO MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FEEDING!!!!! (Picture me doing backflips of joy!) That's right, two nights in a row the babies have gone from 10p - 7a with NO feeding! Now, that doesn't mean they didn't wake up. They still wake up about 3a, but I decided two nights ago to try what one of the sleep books says - attempt to soothe back to sleep rather than feed so you can see if they are waking due to habit/inability to stay asleep for long periods vs. needing to eat. So, I moved them to the swings when they woke up and they both have gone back to sleep until the morning wake up time!
I credit this entirely to the beauty of the schedule, which continues to do wonders in our household. It's just about like clockwork at this point. One interesting thing is that when we started I had to use the 2-4 week old schedule, which I assumed was because they were premature. But in the last few days they have suddenly jumped way ahead and are almost hitting the eight week old schedule! They stay along for longer and take shorter naps.
We do have a couple of sleep problems. Kenna has a lot of trouble getting back to sleep during the day when she comes out of REM time (baby cycles are 45 minutes). She fully wakes up, especially during the morning nap, and just cannot go back to sleep on her own. On various occasions I've left her to cry for a long time and it just doesn't work yet for her. The other "problem" is that a couple of weeks ago I gave up on putting them down awake always like you are supposed to do (so they learn to go to sleep on their own). The problem was, I would leave them to cry until they slept, but they would cry so long that they didn't fall asleep, then they would be totally off in terms of learning the schedule. You can't fight both battles at once. So, I decided learning the schedule was most important first, and started putting them to sleep in my arms or in the swing then moving to the crib. I *HATE* myself for doing this because I swore from the beginning I wasn't going to allow them to become dependent on "outside" help for sleeping, but it just had to be done. Aside from schedule reasons, the crying was making me insane. Now that they are on such a great schedule, I plan to try again soon. My parents will be here next week and I don't want excessive crying to drive them crazy, so I'll wait until the week after. Right now, I don't mind having to put them to sleep in the middle of the night in the swing because it's helping them to learn to sleep through without eating. The next step will be to not put them in the swing but we'll wait for a bit on that.
Smiles!
We ARE getting smiles - not tons of smiles, but smiles. Some smiles are better than no smiles, right? Nathan usually smiles a handful of times during the day. Kenna smiles are unpredictable and far between. B said she was smiling like crazy at him last night during the 10p feed like he had never seen her do before. So, that made me feel better because at least we know she's getting there (I was getting worried). Nathan always smiles repeatedly during morning story time - it's his favorite (I read to them on boppies and take turns showing pages). Outside of that, he sometimes smiles later in the day, but morning gets the most. And I can't find anything besides story time that makes him beam consistently!
Current Challenges
I would say the biggest challenge for me right now is finding activities to fill up the time with. As they are awake longer and longer during the day, it's tough to find things to keep them entertained. I think they get bored (I certainly do!) and therefore they have been fussing more, especially in the afternoons. Not all out screaming like it used to be, just low grade "annoyance" (which results in my own low grade annoyance lol). It's really hard because they need more and more attention from me to keep them happy, but it's next to impossible to make them happy at the same time. I feel like while I'm keeping one happy the other is always crying, making it a less than pleasant experience. I would really like to have more one on one time with each of them and need to find ways to make that happen (with B staying with one on the weekend and me taking one or something).
I think this is just a tough stage to find things to occupy with since they don't sit up, they don't grab/hold, they don't "play". I spend all together too much time thinking about how I can't wait for them to be older - I'm so excited to PLAY with them! I get so excited thinking about their first holidays when they are older - Easter egg hunts, fourth of July pool time, Halloweens, etc. I think I have the mentality that I'm just biding time right now, trying to get through this phase that is necessary to get to the stuff I've always looked forward to. Then I feel guilty for not being able to keep myself more present and enjoying THESE moments. So, I'm trying. I really am.
We're all adjusting
I would say the theme of week 8 (and really week 9) has been that we're all adjusting (or trying to). The babies are adjusting to the world by getting on a good schedule, crying less, becoming more social, and coming into their own personalities more and more. We are adjusting by learning more and more about them and how to care for them. We are still adjusting to the new lifestyle. I sometimes forget that we can't just go out to eat anymore, we can't just go snowboarding, we can't just watch a movie without interruptions (scratch that, we can't even watch The Office without interruptions). I really, really miss having personal time. There are so many things I like to do and I haven't had time for any of them. It's a big, big change. Some days I feel like I'm doing really well, starting to get used to the new life dynamics, other days I feel really freaked out at the lack of personal freedom. It's not like I didn't *know* that this is what happens when you have kids. And it's not like this changes *anything* about wanting and loving them. It's just that it is a necessary transition for all new parents, and it probably is harder for some than others, depending on your personality and life before kids. I'm an only child, so I have always been very independent. It's weird to have two people depend on me for everything. In one of my blog posts about fears before they were born, I remember saying that I was scared I would feel like a person on one of those little gerbil running mills. Well, I do! BUT I wouldn't trade it for the world. When I think back to all the IVFs and depression and fear of never having these babies, it's almost unbearable to think of what it would be like if N & K didn't ever make it here. What if we never got to meet them? What if we only got to meet one of them? It's a horrible thought. We treasure these two little beings, even if is taking some time for us to adjust to everything having them means in our day to day lives.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Week 7 pictures
(Update post below this)
Hangin' out on our playmat:
Nathan cracking a smile:
Just an all around cute picture:
My all time favorite picture of Kenna:
Nathan, passed out after a big bottle (not sure how to turn the pic, turn your head!)
Hangin' out on our playmat:
Nathan cracking a smile:
Just an all around cute picture:
My all time favorite picture of Kenna:
Nathan, passed out after a big bottle (not sure how to turn the pic, turn your head!)
Week 7: The quest for the perfect schedule
I'm a little behind, but the babies turned 7 weeks old Monday and I'm trying to keep up with a weekly update. I feel bad that I haven't been able to keep up with other blogs in a couple of weeks and miss reading everyone else's updates! I'm hoping to be able to catch up soon. :)
Well, the answer to the question of whether week 6 was the peak or not: I'm not sure yet! It seemed a little like a plateau, though it didn't seem as hard. Perhaps that is because we have found...(drum roll)...the PERFECT SCHEDULE!
I have basically been searching for the perfect schedule since they were born. Why? I have many reasons for wanting an optimal schedule as opposed to "going with the flow" but it comes down to this: I believe it is best for both the babies and us. Everyone has their own philosophy on it, so there isn't any use in going into mine here; suffice it to say that that's the direction we're taking.
Since birth I had been focused on an every three hour schedule. We tried 6/9/12/3, 7/10/1/4, every combination possible. The problem was that a lot of times they were in a deep sleep when I had to wake them to feed and I felt like they would benefit from sleeping their natural course. I knew they would sleep longer periods if I let them, but I didn't know when/what times of day would be best for that so as to not ruin their night sleep, throw off their feeding metabolism, etc. It seemed like an insurmountable task to figure out what schedule out of the millions possible would be the one that would give us a good routine to follow and follow their natural patterns more (e.g., if it is natural for them to sleep longer at lunch time, let them go further then, but not at specified other times). To be honest, this has been frustrating me to no end - the search for the perfect schedule. The schedule that makes us happy and makes the babies happy. The schedule that means less crying because they are well rested at the right times and well fed at the right times. The schedule that means longer night sleeps sooner rather than later. The schedule that allows us to have adult lives too.
And then came the book. What's that you say? I already have a trillion baby books? I already have read them too much? Ah, but I didn't have THIS one. An online friend read a posting of mine a while back about schedules and sent me the book she said was the only one that worked for her. It's a best selling book in Britain and I don't know why it didn't make it here, but I'm so grateful that she sent it to me. It's called "A Contented House With Twins". It is a very strict schedule, which is what I was looking for, but it's based on the author's observation of thousands of babies and their natural rhythms - basically a schedule designed based on what babies tend to naturally, but they get molded into it more precisely this way for your sanity (if you are someone who needs predictability).
Every two weeks the schedule shifts slightly based on changing needs for less sleep, less feedings, etc. I started the first day trying it out for 6-8 week old babies (since that is their age) but quickly found that ours need much more sleep than that. In fact, the schedule we eventually settled on is for 2-4 week old babies; this would make sense based on their due date rather than birth. It was the first time I really started to see that babies born a month early don't develop at the same rate as if born on their due date. They really do have the sleep/wake patterns of much younger babies. They do, however, eat like babies bigger than their age!
So after several days of the new schedule I have found it to be brilliant. They are almost doing it perfectly, except that Kenna often struggles to stay asleep as long as she should. I would think that means she is ready for the next step up in the schedule, but she still falls asleep right on time or earlier, so she is not able to stay awake long enough to try the other one.
Here's what we are doing:
6:45 am - Wake up and eat! (I feed them at the same time now)
Play until 8:15 am - Nap
9:45 am - Wake up and eat!
Play until 11:15 am - Lunch nap (the long one)
1:45 pm - Wake up and eat!
Play until 3:30 pm - Afternoon nap
4:45 pm - Wake up and eat!
5:45 pm - Still awake, eat again to stuff them with more calories while getting close to bed time!
6:45 pm - Bed for the night
10 pm - Wake up and eat, but do it very peacefully and with no alert time after
After 10, wake up naturally (usually happens between 2 and 3 - yes, with the brilliant new schedule the babies naturally sleep 4-5 hours in this stretch, which they never did before! We don't unswaddle them, turn on the lights or change the diaper unless there is poo, which hasn't happened. No stimulation at all - no eye contact, no talking. They go immediately to sleep afterward. It's amazing.)
6:45 am - Wake up! (several times they have slept from the last feeding to the next morning, but sometimes they wake up a bit early and I have to try soothing them back to sleep)
There are a couple of things that have been life changing about this:
1) 6:45 pm bed time. OMG, this is worth everything in the world. I know eventually babies should be working toward sleeping 7p - 7a in a few months, so it makes sense that the author is recommending getting them used to that pattern now. It's an absolute sanity saver for me because after a long day of baby care, I know I can look forward to a bit of a break between 7 and 9 (when I go to bed). I can make dinner, read a book, watch TV, whatever. This gives me SUCH a better attitude during the day because it no longer feels like the unending and exhausting baby treadmill. It gives me and B a chance to have a quiet dinner together at night too. Remember in my last post the 6-9 pm crazies? Doesn't happen anymore. I think before they slept so much during the day that by night they were wide awake and yet grumpy because their natural disposition is to go to bed then. They sleep wonderfully from 6:45 to 10 (the next feeding).
2) As I mentioned, they are sleeping 4-5 hours now in a stretch at night.
3) We cut down to 7 feedings no problem. When I tried the standard methods of equally stretching out feedings across the day, it just didn't work. But with this schedule, you know the appropriate times to stretch them out (when they naturally sleep) so they are not even caring about the extra feeding. It's fabulous.
4) I'm mostly feeding them at the same time. The book doesn't necessarily tell you to do this, but I started to do it. I fought it because I felt like I wasn't going to have that critical bonding time during feeding, but with two, it's really just not practical. I do it with some feedings still, just not all. I don't feel like we have lost bonding time; we just have more time to play because there is less time spent with the bottle in hand!
It's funny because when I look at the schedule, it doesn't look too wildly different from what we were doing - still roughly every three hours; but the small differences make ALL the difference in the world (the long lunch stretch, the cluster feed at night, the 6:45 bed time, the 6:45 wake up time).
Don't get me wrong - we have not "perfected" it, but it's going very well. Kenna has not been able to stay asleep during her naps for the last 2 days and I'm not sure what is wrong. She is just very fussy suddenly. I'm hoping it's just a bad couple of days.
That was the bulk of week 7! A few other notes:
--We took Nathan to the doctor for possible reflux because he sometimes seems to have pain while eating. It's usually in the afternoon, though, and he never spits up, which makes the diagnosis questionable (sounds a little more behavioral). We are giving him an anti-acid and it has seemed some better, but he still does it once in a while. Still trying to figure this one out.
--Nathan is smiling at least once a day! Yesterday I got the most gorgeous little smile from him. I had them propped up in boppies for morning story time. I take turns showing them the pages and Nathan follows very closely for a baby his age. One of the times when I turned the page and showed him he just suddenly beamed with delight and looked over at me. OMG I was the happiest ever. :) It immediately brought tears to my eyes because it was so sweet. He does little smiles here and there but that one was the biggest. Today he was in the swing and starting to wake up so I brought Kenna over and I grabbed his hand and said "Kenna and I are here to see you!" He opened his eyes, looked over at the two of us, and got a giant smile. SO PRECIOUS! MORE OF THIS, PLEASE, AND LESS CRYING! :)
--Target offers a generic form of Enfamil Gentlease for $10 less per can (huge savings compared to $25). Everything on the back is identical to the name brand. I looked online and lots of people have asked about it and everyone seemed to find it worked just fine as a substitute. So yesterday we started trying it and it's not going to work out. :( Lots of gas, which equals lots of crankiness.
I will post some new pics separately. Can you believe they will be 8 weeks already on Monday??
Well, the answer to the question of whether week 6 was the peak or not: I'm not sure yet! It seemed a little like a plateau, though it didn't seem as hard. Perhaps that is because we have found...(drum roll)...the PERFECT SCHEDULE!
I have basically been searching for the perfect schedule since they were born. Why? I have many reasons for wanting an optimal schedule as opposed to "going with the flow" but it comes down to this: I believe it is best for both the babies and us. Everyone has their own philosophy on it, so there isn't any use in going into mine here; suffice it to say that that's the direction we're taking.
Since birth I had been focused on an every three hour schedule. We tried 6/9/12/3, 7/10/1/4, every combination possible. The problem was that a lot of times they were in a deep sleep when I had to wake them to feed and I felt like they would benefit from sleeping their natural course. I knew they would sleep longer periods if I let them, but I didn't know when/what times of day would be best for that so as to not ruin their night sleep, throw off their feeding metabolism, etc. It seemed like an insurmountable task to figure out what schedule out of the millions possible would be the one that would give us a good routine to follow and follow their natural patterns more (e.g., if it is natural for them to sleep longer at lunch time, let them go further then, but not at specified other times). To be honest, this has been frustrating me to no end - the search for the perfect schedule. The schedule that makes us happy and makes the babies happy. The schedule that means less crying because they are well rested at the right times and well fed at the right times. The schedule that means longer night sleeps sooner rather than later. The schedule that allows us to have adult lives too.
And then came the book. What's that you say? I already have a trillion baby books? I already have read them too much? Ah, but I didn't have THIS one. An online friend read a posting of mine a while back about schedules and sent me the book she said was the only one that worked for her. It's a best selling book in Britain and I don't know why it didn't make it here, but I'm so grateful that she sent it to me. It's called "A Contented House With Twins". It is a very strict schedule, which is what I was looking for, but it's based on the author's observation of thousands of babies and their natural rhythms - basically a schedule designed based on what babies tend to naturally, but they get molded into it more precisely this way for your sanity (if you are someone who needs predictability).
Every two weeks the schedule shifts slightly based on changing needs for less sleep, less feedings, etc. I started the first day trying it out for 6-8 week old babies (since that is their age) but quickly found that ours need much more sleep than that. In fact, the schedule we eventually settled on is for 2-4 week old babies; this would make sense based on their due date rather than birth. It was the first time I really started to see that babies born a month early don't develop at the same rate as if born on their due date. They really do have the sleep/wake patterns of much younger babies. They do, however, eat like babies bigger than their age!
So after several days of the new schedule I have found it to be brilliant. They are almost doing it perfectly, except that Kenna often struggles to stay asleep as long as she should. I would think that means she is ready for the next step up in the schedule, but she still falls asleep right on time or earlier, so she is not able to stay awake long enough to try the other one.
Here's what we are doing:
6:45 am - Wake up and eat! (I feed them at the same time now)
Play until 8:15 am - Nap
9:45 am - Wake up and eat!
Play until 11:15 am - Lunch nap (the long one)
1:45 pm - Wake up and eat!
Play until 3:30 pm - Afternoon nap
4:45 pm - Wake up and eat!
5:45 pm - Still awake, eat again to stuff them with more calories while getting close to bed time!
6:45 pm - Bed for the night
10 pm - Wake up and eat, but do it very peacefully and with no alert time after
After 10, wake up naturally (usually happens between 2 and 3 - yes, with the brilliant new schedule the babies naturally sleep 4-5 hours in this stretch, which they never did before! We don't unswaddle them, turn on the lights or change the diaper unless there is poo, which hasn't happened. No stimulation at all - no eye contact, no talking. They go immediately to sleep afterward. It's amazing.)
6:45 am - Wake up! (several times they have slept from the last feeding to the next morning, but sometimes they wake up a bit early and I have to try soothing them back to sleep)
There are a couple of things that have been life changing about this:
1) 6:45 pm bed time. OMG, this is worth everything in the world. I know eventually babies should be working toward sleeping 7p - 7a in a few months, so it makes sense that the author is recommending getting them used to that pattern now. It's an absolute sanity saver for me because after a long day of baby care, I know I can look forward to a bit of a break between 7 and 9 (when I go to bed). I can make dinner, read a book, watch TV, whatever. This gives me SUCH a better attitude during the day because it no longer feels like the unending and exhausting baby treadmill. It gives me and B a chance to have a quiet dinner together at night too. Remember in my last post the 6-9 pm crazies? Doesn't happen anymore. I think before they slept so much during the day that by night they were wide awake and yet grumpy because their natural disposition is to go to bed then. They sleep wonderfully from 6:45 to 10 (the next feeding).
2) As I mentioned, they are sleeping 4-5 hours now in a stretch at night.
3) We cut down to 7 feedings no problem. When I tried the standard methods of equally stretching out feedings across the day, it just didn't work. But with this schedule, you know the appropriate times to stretch them out (when they naturally sleep) so they are not even caring about the extra feeding. It's fabulous.
4) I'm mostly feeding them at the same time. The book doesn't necessarily tell you to do this, but I started to do it. I fought it because I felt like I wasn't going to have that critical bonding time during feeding, but with two, it's really just not practical. I do it with some feedings still, just not all. I don't feel like we have lost bonding time; we just have more time to play because there is less time spent with the bottle in hand!
It's funny because when I look at the schedule, it doesn't look too wildly different from what we were doing - still roughly every three hours; but the small differences make ALL the difference in the world (the long lunch stretch, the cluster feed at night, the 6:45 bed time, the 6:45 wake up time).
Don't get me wrong - we have not "perfected" it, but it's going very well. Kenna has not been able to stay asleep during her naps for the last 2 days and I'm not sure what is wrong. She is just very fussy suddenly. I'm hoping it's just a bad couple of days.
That was the bulk of week 7! A few other notes:
--We took Nathan to the doctor for possible reflux because he sometimes seems to have pain while eating. It's usually in the afternoon, though, and he never spits up, which makes the diagnosis questionable (sounds a little more behavioral). We are giving him an anti-acid and it has seemed some better, but he still does it once in a while. Still trying to figure this one out.
--Nathan is smiling at least once a day! Yesterday I got the most gorgeous little smile from him. I had them propped up in boppies for morning story time. I take turns showing them the pages and Nathan follows very closely for a baby his age. One of the times when I turned the page and showed him he just suddenly beamed with delight and looked over at me. OMG I was the happiest ever. :) It immediately brought tears to my eyes because it was so sweet. He does little smiles here and there but that one was the biggest. Today he was in the swing and starting to wake up so I brought Kenna over and I grabbed his hand and said "Kenna and I are here to see you!" He opened his eyes, looked over at the two of us, and got a giant smile. SO PRECIOUS! MORE OF THIS, PLEASE, AND LESS CRYING! :)
--Target offers a generic form of Enfamil Gentlease for $10 less per can (huge savings compared to $25). Everything on the back is identical to the name brand. I looked online and lots of people have asked about it and everyone seemed to find it worked just fine as a substitute. So yesterday we started trying it and it's not going to work out. :( Lots of gas, which equals lots of crankiness.
I will post some new pics separately. Can you believe they will be 8 weeks already on Monday??
Monday, January 19, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Week 6: Was it the "peak?"
About a month before we had the twins I had posted on a twin mom message board a question about the first couple of weeks after birth and what it would be like having two babies for the first time. My assumption was that things would be crazy for a first time mom and I wanted to get an idea of what to expect. I'm not someone who likes to be surprised. :) I received many responses and a good number of them echoed the same thing: the first couple of weeks were actually not bad, it is the few weeks after that which get crazy. All my reference books say similar things, that babies tend to get fussier and fussier, with the "peak" usually around the six week mark.
Well, you can see where that preamble is going. In the beginning I was honestly thinking, "I can't believe people make such a big deal about having kids. We have TWO and it's really not all that crazy." About the third week I started thinking, "Well, if we only had one it definitely wouldn't be very hard, but with TWO, things sure are a bit hard sometimes." The fourth week was actually not too bad and I thought, "We're already through the worst!" Then week five came along and, well, we all know how week 5 ended (see last blog post; memory jogger - red wine on carpet and screaming babies after very long week of much crying and first week as full time mom without daddy to help).
And then there was week six. Oh week six. How you were even more difficult than week five! There were no dramatic events like in week five, but overall it was more difficult. The babies were definitely fussier in general, but I think it was more me who was having a difficult time than them.
When you go through a lot to have kids, most people assume you must just float on cloud nine every day forever more once they arrive. My blog has always been about honesty, so here it is: having babies is just as challenging and frustrating when you had to go through six IVFs and surrogacy to have them. :)
I figure that week 6, the supposed peak of craziness, is an ideal time to share the frustrations that come with newborns whether you had to stand on your head for 10 years to get them or got pregnant the first try. I hope that for those of you who are expecting via your surrogate, this post will be in the back of your mind after your little one's/ones' arrival so you don't feel guilty for having challenging times like everyone else! This post is not to complain - I will never lose sight of what a blessing this all is - but rather to address the every day realities that are part of being a new mom. And I can write this without feeling guilty since 1) I've read many other posts of this nature and know that this is totally normal and 2) the first thing that strangers say to you after you tell them how old your babies are is, "oh wow, well, it gets better". I think everyone knows that this is not the most fun time you will have with your children!
On this tour of what has made me slightly insane this week (or maybe cumulatively), we will have 4 stops:
1) The non-stop need to feed
2) Crying without reason
3) Crying with an intensity that doesn't match the need
4) The one-way relationship
The non-stop need to feed
Every three hours. Half an hour each baby. Eight hours per day I have a bottle in my hand. Sitting. Feeding. Burping. Feeding. Changing positions. Feeding. A full one third of my life is doing this right now. It truly gets mind numbing after a while. I keep thinking there is no way they still need to eat this often so I start to stretch it out once in a while to 3.5 hours to see how that would go with 7 feedings rather than 8. By night they are super hungry and cry, cry, cry because they just don't have big enough stomachs yet to take in more during the rest of the day. So, back to every 3 hours. I've also tried to get them to take more per feeding but they have really plateaued at about 3.5 ounces for Kenna and 4/4.5 ounces for Nathan. Most books recommend moving to a 4 hour schedule at 6 weeks but I know we're not quite there. I'm absolutely dying for it. The one day I stretched to 3.5 hours during the day was like heaven. It made such a difference! They can do one 4 hour stretch at night without feeding but we're not making waves of progress there either (toward the 5 or 6 hour stretches theoretically possible). They just have to eat every 3 hours and there's no getting around it. I desperately want to have more time to play with them, read books, sing, listen to music with them, etc. But it's really hard to have that when you are constantly sitting around with a bottle.
(Incidentally, the one thing we have had major and critical success with is getting them to know the difference between night and day - it's been a couple of weeks since we've had any issue getting them to go straight to sleep after the midnight and 3 am feedings. Even though they don't sleep all the way through without eating, they pretty much eat in their sleep and go right back to dreamland. This is AWESOME because night times really aren't a big deal for us.)
Crying without reason
In our house, we've developed the 6-9pm nightly crazies. Every night between this time both babies are extremely fussy. I don't know why, but I have read it's common to have more fussiness late afternoon/early evening (especially around 6 weeks) and boy do we have it. Especially with Nathan, but some with Kenna too. They won't go to sleep during that cycle usually and just cry no matter what you do. Cry, cry, cry. I find it VERY VERY VERY hard to be sympathetic during this time because there is NO reason for them to be fussing! They aren't hungry, they aren't wet, they don't want to play, they don't want to sleep, they are JUST FUSSY! I just want to explain to them, "I feed you every three hours all you want to eat. I change your diaper so you are always clean. I bathe you regularly. I read to you. I tell you stories. I tell you all about the things around you. I hold you. I cuddle you. I dance with you. I love you. You scream for 3 hours every night. WHY?! WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN?!!" I can't STAND things that don't make logical, objective sense, and this is the epitome of that. There are other times periodically when it happens and when it does it just makes me nuts. Crying when there is an obvious "need" (food, diaper, sleep, play time, scenery change, etc.) really doesn't bother me at all. They cry, you fill the need, done. I can handle that crying. But inconsolable, "I'm crying just because" crying is something I just can't fathom dealing with every night for the foreseable future.
Crying with an intensity that doesn't match the need
There have been times when I thought Nathan was being tortured by a thousand little people in his crib given the intensity of the sudden crying. I jump up and run in and see that no, it's not torture, there's no pain, there's nothing crazy going on, he just wants the pacifier that fell out. I guess this falls under the same category as above - things that just don't make objective sense. Why do babies have to SCREAM when they just want a pacifier, or they are ready to eat, etc.?
The one-way relationship
If you have read my blog for a while, you might remember a post where I gave the analogy of picturing myself with older kids when I thought of us having a family ("butterflies") and never with babies ("caterpillars"). I was saying that I couldn't even picture what having caterpillars would be like because they were such different creatures than the butterflies I always dreamed of us having. When I pictured having kids, I pictured them learning to snowboard, building sand castles at the beach, going to gymnastics classes, summer Saturdays at the pool and quiet nights reading stories together. Maybe because I've never been around babies, maybe because I'm just not a baby person by nature, I never, ever pictured us with babies.
I still don't.
But at least now I realize WHY the concept of B and I taking care of babies seemed (in the past) and seems (currently) foreign: Neither of us is the nurturing type. We are extreme type A, analytical, right brain people. When this is your personality type (and we are both far on that side of the spectrum), you aren't a care taker by nature, and now more than ever I realize that's what this stage of having kids is ALL about. It's truly a ONE way relationship:
Baby needs to eat. Baby cries. You feed baby.
Baby pooped. Baby cries. You change baby.
Baby is bored. Baby cries. You move baby.
You talk to baby lovingly. Baby doesn't seem to care and stares at you blankly.
You smile at baby. Baby doesn't smile at you.
You get to know baby more and more all the time. Baby couldn't care less about you as long as baby's needs are met.
You love baby. Baby doesn't even seem to recognize you.
I guess that I expected all of this in the first couple of weeks, so it didn't really cross my mind as something that bothered me initially. But I would have thought that the last four things on the list - the more emotional two-way aspects - would develop more quickly. It's not something I ever consciously considered, but I guess I just thought they would be reciprocating on the emotional aspects much sooner. (Yes, I know that I will be doing the first three things on the list for much longer.) It feels like with all the work involved in the first three things, you would get more back on the last four. :) When there are no smiles back, no looks of happiness or recognition, only the states of default silence or upset crying, it makes it feel more like work and less like a loving relationship between baby and mommy. What about all those pictures of infants smiling at their mommies and mommy lovingly gazing back at baby? When does that happen? Trust me, I've been scouring my books to find out!
I know not everyone gets crazy about this kind of thing when having a baby because some people are more nurturing by nature and don't think twice about the one way relationship...they just enjoy caring for babies. My mom is a nurturer by nature - she loves taking care of others and providing comfort and it just comes naturally to her (incidentally, however, she has told me that the baby time period drove her crazy!). And of course I know that the ongoing role of a parent is to take care of their children...and I WANT to do that! I look forward to doing that for many years to come! But I also really look forward to feeling like there is a MUTUAL love and adoration that comes with it. Those first true smiles just couldn't arrive fast enough over here. :) (There have been smiles while falling asleep, and a couple of questionable responsive smiles from Nathan, but nothing that would be characterized as the beginning of true smiling.)
I've come to the conclusion that having babies does not necessarily make you into a "baby person" - someone who enjoys taking care of babies for the sake of taking care of babies. That is just a personality type and is not something that naturally comes to everyone. I adore Nathan and Kenna and I just long for them to get a little older. :) I'm trying REALLY hard to enjoy these days because everyone says they go by so fast. It's just not easy!
The upside
We made it to church with Nathan and Kenna for the first time on Sunday morning! The greeter went crazy over them and was calling others over to "look at the twins". She just loved seeing them and told us that they made her morning. (The few times we have been out with them people stop us everywhere to look at twins - I'll admit, the attention is fun!)
We went to the new parents room, where you can watch on the monitor and there were about 8 other couples in there. It was nice to be around others with babies. There was a woman changing a baby in the little changing area and the baby was screaming bloody murder. It actually made me really happy to see that it's not something I'm doing wrong, it's not something wrong with my kids, it's just that all babies are crazy little creatures without a perspective on the world yet and spend a lot of time crying. I had an inner sigh of relief with that reminder. I never thought only my kids cry, but the reminder in seeing it elsewhere was sooooo helpful. It felt good to go to church too with them, and return to our normal lives. We then went to lunch afterward. It went great - a very good morning.
I've started to understand what I've read about finding things you enjoy doing WITH the baby rather than TO the baby. Doing things constantly TO the baby is extremely tiring. But when you make the baby part of things you like to do too it is much more pleasant. B installed an internet radio system in the living room, where I am all day. I discovered an 80s music channel - I LOVE 80s music SOOOO much! I started playing it in the afternoon cycle and it put me in so much of a better mood. I suddenly started feeling way better. I picked up each baby (one at a time) and danced for a song around the room with them (they seemed to both really like it!). Yes, you can just see me dancing to "Come on Eileen" with Kenna - that's what we were doing. I found so much joy in that. I had fun. For the first time I felt like I was doing something WITH the babies rather than TO them. After a very looooong couple of weeks, it was really great. It will now be part of our afternoon routine. I will call it "80s with babies" time. :)
Stay tuned for the week 7 update...was week six the peak? Or will week seven defy the rules? :)
Well, you can see where that preamble is going. In the beginning I was honestly thinking, "I can't believe people make such a big deal about having kids. We have TWO and it's really not all that crazy." About the third week I started thinking, "Well, if we only had one it definitely wouldn't be very hard, but with TWO, things sure are a bit hard sometimes." The fourth week was actually not too bad and I thought, "We're already through the worst!" Then week five came along and, well, we all know how week 5 ended (see last blog post; memory jogger - red wine on carpet and screaming babies after very long week of much crying and first week as full time mom without daddy to help).
And then there was week six. Oh week six. How you were even more difficult than week five! There were no dramatic events like in week five, but overall it was more difficult. The babies were definitely fussier in general, but I think it was more me who was having a difficult time than them.
When you go through a lot to have kids, most people assume you must just float on cloud nine every day forever more once they arrive. My blog has always been about honesty, so here it is: having babies is just as challenging and frustrating when you had to go through six IVFs and surrogacy to have them. :)
I figure that week 6, the supposed peak of craziness, is an ideal time to share the frustrations that come with newborns whether you had to stand on your head for 10 years to get them or got pregnant the first try. I hope that for those of you who are expecting via your surrogate, this post will be in the back of your mind after your little one's/ones' arrival so you don't feel guilty for having challenging times like everyone else! This post is not to complain - I will never lose sight of what a blessing this all is - but rather to address the every day realities that are part of being a new mom. And I can write this without feeling guilty since 1) I've read many other posts of this nature and know that this is totally normal and 2) the first thing that strangers say to you after you tell them how old your babies are is, "oh wow, well, it gets better". I think everyone knows that this is not the most fun time you will have with your children!
On this tour of what has made me slightly insane this week (or maybe cumulatively), we will have 4 stops:
1) The non-stop need to feed
2) Crying without reason
3) Crying with an intensity that doesn't match the need
4) The one-way relationship
The non-stop need to feed
Every three hours. Half an hour each baby. Eight hours per day I have a bottle in my hand. Sitting. Feeding. Burping. Feeding. Changing positions. Feeding. A full one third of my life is doing this right now. It truly gets mind numbing after a while. I keep thinking there is no way they still need to eat this often so I start to stretch it out once in a while to 3.5 hours to see how that would go with 7 feedings rather than 8. By night they are super hungry and cry, cry, cry because they just don't have big enough stomachs yet to take in more during the rest of the day. So, back to every 3 hours. I've also tried to get them to take more per feeding but they have really plateaued at about 3.5 ounces for Kenna and 4/4.5 ounces for Nathan. Most books recommend moving to a 4 hour schedule at 6 weeks but I know we're not quite there. I'm absolutely dying for it. The one day I stretched to 3.5 hours during the day was like heaven. It made such a difference! They can do one 4 hour stretch at night without feeding but we're not making waves of progress there either (toward the 5 or 6 hour stretches theoretically possible). They just have to eat every 3 hours and there's no getting around it. I desperately want to have more time to play with them, read books, sing, listen to music with them, etc. But it's really hard to have that when you are constantly sitting around with a bottle.
(Incidentally, the one thing we have had major and critical success with is getting them to know the difference between night and day - it's been a couple of weeks since we've had any issue getting them to go straight to sleep after the midnight and 3 am feedings. Even though they don't sleep all the way through without eating, they pretty much eat in their sleep and go right back to dreamland. This is AWESOME because night times really aren't a big deal for us.)
Crying without reason
In our house, we've developed the 6-9pm nightly crazies. Every night between this time both babies are extremely fussy. I don't know why, but I have read it's common to have more fussiness late afternoon/early evening (especially around 6 weeks) and boy do we have it. Especially with Nathan, but some with Kenna too. They won't go to sleep during that cycle usually and just cry no matter what you do. Cry, cry, cry. I find it VERY VERY VERY hard to be sympathetic during this time because there is NO reason for them to be fussing! They aren't hungry, they aren't wet, they don't want to play, they don't want to sleep, they are JUST FUSSY! I just want to explain to them, "I feed you every three hours all you want to eat. I change your diaper so you are always clean. I bathe you regularly. I read to you. I tell you stories. I tell you all about the things around you. I hold you. I cuddle you. I dance with you. I love you. You scream for 3 hours every night. WHY?! WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN?!!" I can't STAND things that don't make logical, objective sense, and this is the epitome of that. There are other times periodically when it happens and when it does it just makes me nuts. Crying when there is an obvious "need" (food, diaper, sleep, play time, scenery change, etc.) really doesn't bother me at all. They cry, you fill the need, done. I can handle that crying. But inconsolable, "I'm crying just because" crying is something I just can't fathom dealing with every night for the foreseable future.
Crying with an intensity that doesn't match the need
There have been times when I thought Nathan was being tortured by a thousand little people in his crib given the intensity of the sudden crying. I jump up and run in and see that no, it's not torture, there's no pain, there's nothing crazy going on, he just wants the pacifier that fell out. I guess this falls under the same category as above - things that just don't make objective sense. Why do babies have to SCREAM when they just want a pacifier, or they are ready to eat, etc.?
The one-way relationship
If you have read my blog for a while, you might remember a post where I gave the analogy of picturing myself with older kids when I thought of us having a family ("butterflies") and never with babies ("caterpillars"). I was saying that I couldn't even picture what having caterpillars would be like because they were such different creatures than the butterflies I always dreamed of us having. When I pictured having kids, I pictured them learning to snowboard, building sand castles at the beach, going to gymnastics classes, summer Saturdays at the pool and quiet nights reading stories together. Maybe because I've never been around babies, maybe because I'm just not a baby person by nature, I never, ever pictured us with babies.
I still don't.
But at least now I realize WHY the concept of B and I taking care of babies seemed (in the past) and seems (currently) foreign: Neither of us is the nurturing type. We are extreme type A, analytical, right brain people. When this is your personality type (and we are both far on that side of the spectrum), you aren't a care taker by nature, and now more than ever I realize that's what this stage of having kids is ALL about. It's truly a ONE way relationship:
Baby needs to eat. Baby cries. You feed baby.
Baby pooped. Baby cries. You change baby.
Baby is bored. Baby cries. You move baby.
You talk to baby lovingly. Baby doesn't seem to care and stares at you blankly.
You smile at baby. Baby doesn't smile at you.
You get to know baby more and more all the time. Baby couldn't care less about you as long as baby's needs are met.
You love baby. Baby doesn't even seem to recognize you.
I guess that I expected all of this in the first couple of weeks, so it didn't really cross my mind as something that bothered me initially. But I would have thought that the last four things on the list - the more emotional two-way aspects - would develop more quickly. It's not something I ever consciously considered, but I guess I just thought they would be reciprocating on the emotional aspects much sooner. (Yes, I know that I will be doing the first three things on the list for much longer.) It feels like with all the work involved in the first three things, you would get more back on the last four. :) When there are no smiles back, no looks of happiness or recognition, only the states of default silence or upset crying, it makes it feel more like work and less like a loving relationship between baby and mommy. What about all those pictures of infants smiling at their mommies and mommy lovingly gazing back at baby? When does that happen? Trust me, I've been scouring my books to find out!
I know not everyone gets crazy about this kind of thing when having a baby because some people are more nurturing by nature and don't think twice about the one way relationship...they just enjoy caring for babies. My mom is a nurturer by nature - she loves taking care of others and providing comfort and it just comes naturally to her (incidentally, however, she has told me that the baby time period drove her crazy!). And of course I know that the ongoing role of a parent is to take care of their children...and I WANT to do that! I look forward to doing that for many years to come! But I also really look forward to feeling like there is a MUTUAL love and adoration that comes with it. Those first true smiles just couldn't arrive fast enough over here. :) (There have been smiles while falling asleep, and a couple of questionable responsive smiles from Nathan, but nothing that would be characterized as the beginning of true smiling.)
I've come to the conclusion that having babies does not necessarily make you into a "baby person" - someone who enjoys taking care of babies for the sake of taking care of babies. That is just a personality type and is not something that naturally comes to everyone. I adore Nathan and Kenna and I just long for them to get a little older. :) I'm trying REALLY hard to enjoy these days because everyone says they go by so fast. It's just not easy!
The upside
We made it to church with Nathan and Kenna for the first time on Sunday morning! The greeter went crazy over them and was calling others over to "look at the twins". She just loved seeing them and told us that they made her morning. (The few times we have been out with them people stop us everywhere to look at twins - I'll admit, the attention is fun!)
We went to the new parents room, where you can watch on the monitor and there were about 8 other couples in there. It was nice to be around others with babies. There was a woman changing a baby in the little changing area and the baby was screaming bloody murder. It actually made me really happy to see that it's not something I'm doing wrong, it's not something wrong with my kids, it's just that all babies are crazy little creatures without a perspective on the world yet and spend a lot of time crying. I had an inner sigh of relief with that reminder. I never thought only my kids cry, but the reminder in seeing it elsewhere was sooooo helpful. It felt good to go to church too with them, and return to our normal lives. We then went to lunch afterward. It went great - a very good morning.
I've started to understand what I've read about finding things you enjoy doing WITH the baby rather than TO the baby. Doing things constantly TO the baby is extremely tiring. But when you make the baby part of things you like to do too it is much more pleasant. B installed an internet radio system in the living room, where I am all day. I discovered an 80s music channel - I LOVE 80s music SOOOO much! I started playing it in the afternoon cycle and it put me in so much of a better mood. I suddenly started feeling way better. I picked up each baby (one at a time) and danced for a song around the room with them (they seemed to both really like it!). Yes, you can just see me dancing to "Come on Eileen" with Kenna - that's what we were doing. I found so much joy in that. I had fun. For the first time I felt like I was doing something WITH the babies rather than TO them. After a very looooong couple of weeks, it was really great. It will now be part of our afternoon routine. I will call it "80s with babies" time. :)
Stay tuned for the week 7 update...was week six the peak? Or will week seven defy the rules? :)
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