When to tell people we're pregnant

A few people recently have asked if we are going to start telling everyone that we're having a baby (well, two). Despite the fact that I have a blog that is technically public, there would be no reason for anyone we know to happen to come across it. The question is something that is big in mind for me right now because the longer we are married without kids (it will be 9 years this year), the more likely people are to get nosy: "When ARE you going to have kids?" It happens with an increased frequency. Aside from that, we are of course excited to tell people. Then there is the trepidation about how to explain this whole surrogacy "thing".

Ironically, I feel much more comfortable telling strangers or those tangential to us (like my dentist) than friends and family who don't yet know. I guess that makes sense because strangers are never going to think twice about it if something bad happens with this pregnancy. I'm terrified to tell friends and family who don't yet know because then you are on everyone's radar and they just expect that 2 babies will arrive in December. I certainly hope they will, to put it lightly, but good grief so much can happen between now and then. For the last few weeks B and I had a policy of absolutely no tell (outside of those we invited to this blog). But I've noticed we have sort of naturally evolved lately to telling certain individuals without consulting each other. I guess that means we are feeling more and more comfortable. We just let each other know that "so and so" knows and that's it. We have a good feel though for who the other person is comfortable with. Usually they are friends very close to each of us. I can break down the groups and current status (LOL this is like a status report for work - those who know me well know how very much I love frameworks!):

1. Strangers - This, I have to say, is a fun group for me right now. They are an outlet because I can share my excitement without the ramifications of fear for what could happen. The first stranger I told was a woman at the pet adoption center at Pet Smart! We were considering adopting a 3rd cat and she wanted us to fill out the paperwork right away. I had to explain why it was such a big consideration at this point....blah, blah, blah, "and we're having a baby in December". I almost couldn't get the words out. My stomach turned over and my voice got shaky. Did I just say that out loud? "WE" are having a baby? I was petrified. She looked at my stomach and said, "oh how wonderful. Is this your first?" I just nodded and said yes and changed the subject quickly. I realized I can get away with it now because we are early enough that people don't question my flat belly. Soon enough explanations will have to be automatically attached. Since I told the pet lady, it has been like breaking a seal. I don't just blurt it out but it comes up with amazing frequency. :)

2. Light acquaintances - This becomes a little scarier because we will see them again so now we're on the hook to answer if something bad happens. An example from this group would be my dental hygenist. The last several times I have been to the dentist I have had to tell them what was going on because I couldn't have x-rays due to being in the middle of an IVF cycle. When we went to the dentist yesterday I finally proudly said, "no, I'm not pregnant or trying to become pregnant, but yes we are expecting a baby!" Bryan went just before me and had actually told her first so she was ready to say congratulations when she came to see me. That still freaks me out.

3. Friends you only talk to periodically - This group is pretty much a no go right now. For the most part no one in this group knows we have even been trying to conceive, much less done IVF, much less done it 5 times, much less have a surrogate carrying our children. :) This is the group I think about most in terms of when to tell. There are a lot of them I'm looking forward to telling but I constantly wonder how to explain all the surrogacy stuff. It will be an email for sure, but I'm trying to think of fun ways to create a power point presentation, a web page, a FAQ or something to help people understand that "yes, it's our biological child", "no she doesn't want to keep the baby", "no the movie Baby Mama is not indicactive of a real surrogacy situation", etc.

4. Friends you talk to regularly - This is a mixed group. If it's a friend who is a close friend, see the next category below. If it's a friend who is not necessarily very close but we see regularly, he/she may or may not know. This is the gray area and we've been telling on an as needed basis. We wouldn't lie about it or hide it at this point if we see the person all the time and it comes up for some reason, but if there is no reason for the person to ask and it doesn't come up, we're not bringing it up.

5. Co-workers - My "coworkers" are people I have never met in person who I work virtually with so they fall under light acquaintances/strangers. One of mine has a daughter who is currently pregnant through a gestational surrogate (ironically - this is pretty rare!) and I told her. B's situation is definitely different because he works closely with people, albeit virtually as well. I think he has only told his partner and no one else.

6. Close friends - The close friends we talk to regularly pretty much all know. Close friends we don't talk to regulary mostly don't know. B and I have a lot of these (e.g., people from high school we are/were very close to but don't necessary talk to all the time). These are people I can't wait to tell. :)

7. Family - Of course our immediate families know. We have not told extended family yet, however. Neither of us has a large extended family, but there are still several people we need to tell. I don't think we will tell them any earlier than everyone else.

So this probably all sounds nuts to people reading who had no trouble conceiving. What's the big deal? Well, I feel extremely vulnerable emotionally on this stuff after all we've been through and if, God forbid, something awful happens, I think the pain of having to tell everyone would just be unbearable. I want to find that perfect time when I will feel that in ALL likelihood those babies are coming. That will certainly be after the first trimester is over, but I'm not sure when. :)