Look at that ticker! We made it to 35 weeks after all! I'm really excited this morning that we made it to a new week. Everyone has been telling me that 35 weeks is much better than 34 weeks for the health of the babies, so this is great news! One of the doctors even said they consider twins full term at 35 weeks. (I've never heard that before she said it, but I'll just take it as a good indication that we have reached a pretty stable point.)
Now, just one more day to hit December 1 for insurance reasons and we have reached our goal!
I am so grateful to have gotten to this point. As of last night, there were no changes on the contractions, and (unfortunately) no changes to Kenna's position. Tomorrow morning we have a regular OB appointment, then a little later in the morning we have another routine non-stress test. It will have been a week since the last cervix check so it will be interesting to see if anything has changed. Tuesday is a growth ultrasound, and I'm guessing Thursday will be another non-stress test. B really thinks the babies are coming on December 2. I'm guessing later this week. If you have a revised birthday prediction given all that has transpired, please post in the comments. :)
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
My Thanksgiving List
What would Thanksgiving be without a Thanksgiving list? :) There are some very special things I am thankful for this year, as you can imagine. Here we go:
THE TOP 10
1. J. J tops the list because without J, there would simply be no babies. If I had a dollar for every time someone has commented how amazing J is for doing what she is doing, I would have a million dollars! We are so thankful that J's compassion led her to understand and pray about our suffering and that she took the next step to offer something so incredible, so life changing. She has literally devoted a year of her life to this journey. I am humbled that anyone would step forward to want to ease our pain in such a miraculous way. I pray that she is blessed over and over by this experience throughout her life...because I know we will be.
2. R (J's husband). Without a supportive husband, there would also be no babies! R is an equally amazing person - how many men are willing to support a wife going through a year of pregnancy preparations and pregnancy when it is not for his own family? J and R are truly selfless people. He has probably explained countless times that his wife is pregnant with another man's baby. LOL In addition to that, he has stepped forward many times to be late to work, or leave early from work, or work from home to watch the kids and allow us all to go to appointments. Now that J is on bed rest, he has had to step up to run the house at times when J can't. Even if J alone were willing to carry two babies for us, without R's support, it just wouldn't be possible. We are so grateful for him.
3. D (J's mom). J's mom has been an absolutely amazing help as well! She came and babysat for many appointments so that B and I could both go and see our babies. She has come at late notice and been so flexible with her help watching the kids. It gave us so many wonderful memories of the pregnancy to be able to experience the ultrasounds together, and that is courtesy of J's mom. She is a wonderful lady and we are so grateful that she was willing to help in this way.
4. E & O (J's kids). Technically, E & O had no choice in the matter. BUT if they had been different kids that couldn't have adjusted well to all the changes, it probably wouldn't have been possible for J to do all this. I think they have done as well as anyone possibly could at ages 2 and 3 with all that has gone on. I know it would have been even harder on J if they seemed like they were constantly suffering, so I am grateful that they have done so well.
5. Wait for it...THE BABIES! I can't be thankful for the babies before being thankful for all the people who made their very existence possible (J and her family). I just can't believe we will get to meet them soon. I can't wait to touch their little hands and kiss their little cheeks. I'm even looking forward to a poopy diaper or two (but only one or two :). A year ago, I didn't even know if we would ever have kids. My heart was filled with tears for what might never be for us. All the dreams that you have growing up of a family and what it will be like seemed to have been shattered for us and I felt like I was swimming in a sea of disbelief, bitterness, anger, and sadness. Even though we had started talking about surrogacy at this point last year, I certainly didn't assume it would work. It seemed like just another thing to try. That was only one year ago. Today we are on the verge of being blessed with TWO babies and for that we couldn't possibly be more grateful. THANK YOU GOD!
6. B. My husband is the BEST! As cliche as it sounds, we really are best friends. We have certainly had our share of difficulties when struggling through infertility (ahem, after failed cycles) but there was never any doubt that if we had nothing else, we would have each other forever. As much as I tease B about being a brick wall without emotion sometimes, I am grateful that he has been such a rock through all this. One of us had to be. It wasn't me! Even now, as I'm feeling a bit mentally and emotionally spent, he just keeps reminding me of the end goal and telling me, "I can't wait to be parents with you." :)
7. Our families. We are very lucky to have wonderful families on both sides! Our families are both small, but there is a lot of love and support. Nathan and Kenna will be very cherished by everyone and are lucky to be surrounded by so much love.
8. Our friends. I'm so thankful for our wonderful friends, many of whom have been keeping up on the blog, sending emails of encouragement, checking in on the status of J and the babies, etc. Our friends have put the cherry on top of our journey. :)
9. My online friends. This is such an interesting phenomenon with the internet, that you can actually have friends whom you have never met. I have made friends with a lot of ladies over the last couple of years from infertility message boards and we still regularly keep up with each other. They can understand in a way that "regular" friends cannot, and that is a life saver when you are suffering. I can't even imagine going through all those IVFs without the virtual hand holding of all those other ladies in the same situation. And now, with the blog, I have had the opportunity to get to know fellow bloggers in the surrogacy world and it has been a true pleasure. It's not like you meet others involved in surrogacy very easily...if ever. What an awesome opportunity, to meet others in this unique situation online!
10. Our cats. I know, if you're not an animal person, you just don't get it. But our cats are SO important and special to us. When people come over, they just see two cats. We see our fur-babies. We spend so much time loving them, petting them, admiring how cute they are. We love them so much and they are 100% a part of the family and not just pets.
AND A BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS AS THEY COME TO MIND...I'M THANKFUL FOR:
11. People from J's church who have offered to bring over food to J while she is on bedrest.
12. Our church
13. Ample food to eat
14. A home to live in
15. Living in a country where we feel safe and have daily freedom
16. The fact that I don't think I've ever experienced boredom in my life because I have so many interests, hobbies and passions
17. The opportunities I have had to start my own business and work from home
18. The fact that J's insurance covered our surrogacy
19. The fact that B works from home and owns his own business too, so he has had a flexibility that many men don't to attend all the appointments, etc.
20. The opportunity to have visited several locations throughout the world
21. Backpacking
22. Camping
23. Hiking
24. Fishing
25. Mammoth Mountain (that's for you J and C!)
26. The rest of the Sierras
27. The fact that I experienced SCUBA diving a few times before it freaked me out and I decided I probably can't go again
28. The legacy of my grandparents, whom I loved dearly
29. My favorite restaurants: Wahoo's, Souplantation, and Cold Stone Creamery
30. The chance to put Christmas lights outside our house this year
31. Lazy days when B and I get to snuggle and read books with the fireplace on and the cats by our sides
32. Good health...OK, that doesn't belong at 32, but this is in no particular order :)
33. My love of holidays...I literally can get excited at any given time about the next upcoming holiday! I have fun with it!
34. Email...I'm not a phone person at all and email is so much more efficient
35. Our small group that meets weekly from church
36. Animals of all kinds - they make me so happy!
37. Disneyland
38. Big grassy parks
39. Living in a place that is still 80 degrees in November
40. Getting rain this week - a nice change
41. Reese's peanut butter cups, my absolute favorite combination of peanut butter and chocolate
42. The really cute nursery we have set up :)
43. Days when I can take an afternoon nap - I feel so happy when that happens!
44. Being done with Christmas shopping early this year
45. Being ready for the babies so early that I don't have to stress about what is left on the list!
46. B's sweet face in the morning when he is still waking up :)
47. Not working in an office anymore - I love working from home
48. My God-given extreme level of motivation that has carried me in life
49. Enthusiasm to write a book on what to expect for intended mothers...I have the outline already :)
50. A Thanksgiving where I can be thankful for the gift of a double sized family to come soon.
Happy Thanksgiving!
THE TOP 10
1. J. J tops the list because without J, there would simply be no babies. If I had a dollar for every time someone has commented how amazing J is for doing what she is doing, I would have a million dollars! We are so thankful that J's compassion led her to understand and pray about our suffering and that she took the next step to offer something so incredible, so life changing. She has literally devoted a year of her life to this journey. I am humbled that anyone would step forward to want to ease our pain in such a miraculous way. I pray that she is blessed over and over by this experience throughout her life...because I know we will be.
2. R (J's husband). Without a supportive husband, there would also be no babies! R is an equally amazing person - how many men are willing to support a wife going through a year of pregnancy preparations and pregnancy when it is not for his own family? J and R are truly selfless people. He has probably explained countless times that his wife is pregnant with another man's baby. LOL In addition to that, he has stepped forward many times to be late to work, or leave early from work, or work from home to watch the kids and allow us all to go to appointments. Now that J is on bed rest, he has had to step up to run the house at times when J can't. Even if J alone were willing to carry two babies for us, without R's support, it just wouldn't be possible. We are so grateful for him.
3. D (J's mom). J's mom has been an absolutely amazing help as well! She came and babysat for many appointments so that B and I could both go and see our babies. She has come at late notice and been so flexible with her help watching the kids. It gave us so many wonderful memories of the pregnancy to be able to experience the ultrasounds together, and that is courtesy of J's mom. She is a wonderful lady and we are so grateful that she was willing to help in this way.
4. E & O (J's kids). Technically, E & O had no choice in the matter. BUT if they had been different kids that couldn't have adjusted well to all the changes, it probably wouldn't have been possible for J to do all this. I think they have done as well as anyone possibly could at ages 2 and 3 with all that has gone on. I know it would have been even harder on J if they seemed like they were constantly suffering, so I am grateful that they have done so well.
5. Wait for it...THE BABIES! I can't be thankful for the babies before being thankful for all the people who made their very existence possible (J and her family). I just can't believe we will get to meet them soon. I can't wait to touch their little hands and kiss their little cheeks. I'm even looking forward to a poopy diaper or two (but only one or two :). A year ago, I didn't even know if we would ever have kids. My heart was filled with tears for what might never be for us. All the dreams that you have growing up of a family and what it will be like seemed to have been shattered for us and I felt like I was swimming in a sea of disbelief, bitterness, anger, and sadness. Even though we had started talking about surrogacy at this point last year, I certainly didn't assume it would work. It seemed like just another thing to try. That was only one year ago. Today we are on the verge of being blessed with TWO babies and for that we couldn't possibly be more grateful. THANK YOU GOD!
6. B. My husband is the BEST! As cliche as it sounds, we really are best friends. We have certainly had our share of difficulties when struggling through infertility (ahem, after failed cycles) but there was never any doubt that if we had nothing else, we would have each other forever. As much as I tease B about being a brick wall without emotion sometimes, I am grateful that he has been such a rock through all this. One of us had to be. It wasn't me! Even now, as I'm feeling a bit mentally and emotionally spent, he just keeps reminding me of the end goal and telling me, "I can't wait to be parents with you." :)
7. Our families. We are very lucky to have wonderful families on both sides! Our families are both small, but there is a lot of love and support. Nathan and Kenna will be very cherished by everyone and are lucky to be surrounded by so much love.
8. Our friends. I'm so thankful for our wonderful friends, many of whom have been keeping up on the blog, sending emails of encouragement, checking in on the status of J and the babies, etc. Our friends have put the cherry on top of our journey. :)
9. My online friends. This is such an interesting phenomenon with the internet, that you can actually have friends whom you have never met. I have made friends with a lot of ladies over the last couple of years from infertility message boards and we still regularly keep up with each other. They can understand in a way that "regular" friends cannot, and that is a life saver when you are suffering. I can't even imagine going through all those IVFs without the virtual hand holding of all those other ladies in the same situation. And now, with the blog, I have had the opportunity to get to know fellow bloggers in the surrogacy world and it has been a true pleasure. It's not like you meet others involved in surrogacy very easily...if ever. What an awesome opportunity, to meet others in this unique situation online!
10. Our cats. I know, if you're not an animal person, you just don't get it. But our cats are SO important and special to us. When people come over, they just see two cats. We see our fur-babies. We spend so much time loving them, petting them, admiring how cute they are. We love them so much and they are 100% a part of the family and not just pets.
AND A BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS AS THEY COME TO MIND...I'M THANKFUL FOR:
11. People from J's church who have offered to bring over food to J while she is on bedrest.
12. Our church
13. Ample food to eat
14. A home to live in
15. Living in a country where we feel safe and have daily freedom
16. The fact that I don't think I've ever experienced boredom in my life because I have so many interests, hobbies and passions
17. The opportunities I have had to start my own business and work from home
18. The fact that J's insurance covered our surrogacy
19. The fact that B works from home and owns his own business too, so he has had a flexibility that many men don't to attend all the appointments, etc.
20. The opportunity to have visited several locations throughout the world
21. Backpacking
22. Camping
23. Hiking
24. Fishing
25. Mammoth Mountain (that's for you J and C!)
26. The rest of the Sierras
27. The fact that I experienced SCUBA diving a few times before it freaked me out and I decided I probably can't go again
28. The legacy of my grandparents, whom I loved dearly
29. My favorite restaurants: Wahoo's, Souplantation, and Cold Stone Creamery
30. The chance to put Christmas lights outside our house this year
31. Lazy days when B and I get to snuggle and read books with the fireplace on and the cats by our sides
32. Good health...OK, that doesn't belong at 32, but this is in no particular order :)
33. My love of holidays...I literally can get excited at any given time about the next upcoming holiday! I have fun with it!
34. Email...I'm not a phone person at all and email is so much more efficient
35. Our small group that meets weekly from church
36. Animals of all kinds - they make me so happy!
37. Disneyland
38. Big grassy parks
39. Living in a place that is still 80 degrees in November
40. Getting rain this week - a nice change
41. Reese's peanut butter cups, my absolute favorite combination of peanut butter and chocolate
42. The really cute nursery we have set up :)
43. Days when I can take an afternoon nap - I feel so happy when that happens!
44. Being done with Christmas shopping early this year
45. Being ready for the babies so early that I don't have to stress about what is left on the list!
46. B's sweet face in the morning when he is still waking up :)
47. Not working in an office anymore - I love working from home
48. My God-given extreme level of motivation that has carried me in life
49. Enthusiasm to write a book on what to expect for intended mothers...I have the outline already :)
50. A Thanksgiving where I can be thankful for the gift of a double sized family to come soon.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
We passed this time!
For the first time since last Tuesday, we passed the non stress test this morning! There were only a couple of contractions so we didn't need to go for more monitoring. Kenna unfortunately is still head up. J hasn't been feeling any differently, so it seems we are in a holding pattern. I think we might actually make it to 35 weeks (Sunday)! For insurance/financial reasons, we would LOVE to make it to December 1, so hold your breath with us that we get to Monday. It seems like forever away right now, but it's only a few days. I'm getting really anxious for Monday to come because then I can officially hope the babies show up any time. :) Now that the initial shock of pre-term labor has worn off, I feel much more mentally prepared for it to happen at any time. We are READY! I want it to turn Monday and then I want them to come ASAP so J can get off bed rest, which is very tough on her and her family.
Our next appointment isn't until Monday, if we make it that far! We have a regular OB appointment and a separate non-stress test that day. Then Tuesday we have a growth ultrasound. We are so close to hitting our Dec 1 goal...come on Monday!
Our next appointment isn't until Monday, if we make it that far! We have a regular OB appointment and a separate non-stress test that day. Then Tuesday we have a growth ultrasound. We are so close to hitting our Dec 1 goal...come on Monday!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Very small update
Since it seemed a couple of days ago that the birth might be imminent, I know a lot of people are probably checking in for updates so I thought I should post. :) Basically, J is holding steady on bed rest. She hasn't had any changes (based on how she is feeling) and is taking it easy. I feel like it might actually be a few days now. It's so weird that you can go from thinking you are having two babies one day to thinking it could be a week or even more a couple of days later! I'm definitely grateful that the babies are getting more time with J, though I hate to see her trapped on bedrest.
I spent the morning watching J's kids and then R (J's husband) came home to work and watched the kids in the afternoon. Watching young kids (2 and 3) makes me realize how little I know about kids and how to play with them. lol It doesn't really come naturally to me like it does for some people (I think B is a natural though!). J was upstairs in bed and I kept thinking that she was probably laughing at it all. :) I know it's different when you raise them from birth though so hopefully I will be a pro like J by that point!
Tomorrow morning is another NST. Hopefully they will just send us home this time so we're not stuck and L&D for monitoring for so long again! (Unless it's the real deal, of course!)
I spent the morning watching J's kids and then R (J's husband) came home to work and watched the kids in the afternoon. Watching young kids (2 and 3) makes me realize how little I know about kids and how to play with them. lol It doesn't really come naturally to me like it does for some people (I think B is a natural though!). J was upstairs in bed and I kept thinking that she was probably laughing at it all. :) I know it's different when you raise them from birth though so hopefully I will be a pro like J by that point!
Tomorrow morning is another NST. Hopefully they will just send us home this time so we're not stuck and L&D for monitoring for so long again! (Unless it's the real deal, of course!)
Monday, November 24, 2008
Another trip to labor and delivery
Well, today was basically a repeat from Friday, so if you would like an update, just go back and re-read that post. :)
We went for the non-stress test again and J was having regular contractions. They weren't consistent, however, like they were Friday. The nurse took the print out of all the contractions to the doctor to review when we were done based on her criteria and she came back and surprisingly said, "OK, the doctor says you are good to go!" I think we both expected they would say we needed to go to labor and delivery again so we asked her some questions about it. She gave us an explanation of why they were going to send us home that ended in "...since you're 36 weeks tomorrow, you just can wait to go into labor." We just turned 34 weeks yesterday! We pointed out the error and she went back to the doctor who THEN said, yes we need to be monitored in that case. So on we went again to labor and delivery.
J was hooked up to the monitors there from 10:30 to about 5. The contractions were pretty frequent, big and consistent, though J wasn't in any pain. Doctors/nurses kept asking if she was in pain given the size of the contractions on the print out and she surprised them every time saying no. They hooked her up to an IV this time but the ongoing fluids really didn't make a difference. They gave her a shot of the medicine to keep the contractions at bay, but that didn't make much of a difference either. Kenna was breech today, so if J really went into active labor, it would have meant a c-section. Given the consistency and size of the contractions we all thought for sure that she would be more dilated when they checked and that would mean heading in for a c-section tonight. Well, they checked her 2 (3?) times today and she hadn't changed at all! She is still at 2-3 cm. So, the contractions are pretty strong, but they are just that - contractions that aren't causing active labor. Because of that, there is no need for an immediate c-section. They also didn't need to keep her there any longer because she wasn't progressing yet. The doctor sent her home with pills to keep contractions down if they get intense. If, after she takes them, the contractions are still painful and intense, then she is to call. So at this point, they are more conservative with when to call since they have monitored her so much already. Even if she hits 6 contractions in an hour, she doesn't need to call unless they FEEL different, since we know that this current level isn't changing her cervix.
One nice thing about today is that our OB was the doctor on call at triage! It was sort of comforting to see her there because she is super nice and I like her a lot. If we were going to have a c-section, it would have been great to have her there to do it. We also figured that since she knows us well at this point, she would be the most likely candidate of anyone to let an extra person in the delivery room. Our OB said she would have J on bedrest to 36 weeks instead of 35 weeks like the other doctor told us. If J is still pregnant when we hit 35 weeks we'll have to figure out whose advice we are to follow. The OB said different doctors have different opinions.
I guess at this point we could realistically go another week or maybe even two. I think there is a decent possibility of making it to next Monday but I can't imagine much more than that given all these contractions. I actually think that J's water will break soon, but that's just a hunch.
Thanks so much for all the kind comments and "hugs" from my last post. It is so nice to know people do understand out there! Today was not as scary because I knew the drill and wasn't in shock. These L&D trips make for long days, but now that I know what to expect and a little more about how labor works, I feel better. My personal hope is to make it to Dec 1 so we are 35 weeks and then not much longer so that J's life doesn't have to be turned upside down much more. It's really a burden to her and her family for her to be on bedrest since she has two small kids to be concerned about. 35 weeks would be a great compromise between the babies being healthier and J not being stuck in bed forever. :) In the meantime, please pray Kenna heads back down again!
We went for the non-stress test again and J was having regular contractions. They weren't consistent, however, like they were Friday. The nurse took the print out of all the contractions to the doctor to review when we were done based on her criteria and she came back and surprisingly said, "OK, the doctor says you are good to go!" I think we both expected they would say we needed to go to labor and delivery again so we asked her some questions about it. She gave us an explanation of why they were going to send us home that ended in "...since you're 36 weeks tomorrow, you just can wait to go into labor." We just turned 34 weeks yesterday! We pointed out the error and she went back to the doctor who THEN said, yes we need to be monitored in that case. So on we went again to labor and delivery.
J was hooked up to the monitors there from 10:30 to about 5. The contractions were pretty frequent, big and consistent, though J wasn't in any pain. Doctors/nurses kept asking if she was in pain given the size of the contractions on the print out and she surprised them every time saying no. They hooked her up to an IV this time but the ongoing fluids really didn't make a difference. They gave her a shot of the medicine to keep the contractions at bay, but that didn't make much of a difference either. Kenna was breech today, so if J really went into active labor, it would have meant a c-section. Given the consistency and size of the contractions we all thought for sure that she would be more dilated when they checked and that would mean heading in for a c-section tonight. Well, they checked her 2 (3?) times today and she hadn't changed at all! She is still at 2-3 cm. So, the contractions are pretty strong, but they are just that - contractions that aren't causing active labor. Because of that, there is no need for an immediate c-section. They also didn't need to keep her there any longer because she wasn't progressing yet. The doctor sent her home with pills to keep contractions down if they get intense. If, after she takes them, the contractions are still painful and intense, then she is to call. So at this point, they are more conservative with when to call since they have monitored her so much already. Even if she hits 6 contractions in an hour, she doesn't need to call unless they FEEL different, since we know that this current level isn't changing her cervix.
One nice thing about today is that our OB was the doctor on call at triage! It was sort of comforting to see her there because she is super nice and I like her a lot. If we were going to have a c-section, it would have been great to have her there to do it. We also figured that since she knows us well at this point, she would be the most likely candidate of anyone to let an extra person in the delivery room. Our OB said she would have J on bedrest to 36 weeks instead of 35 weeks like the other doctor told us. If J is still pregnant when we hit 35 weeks we'll have to figure out whose advice we are to follow. The OB said different doctors have different opinions.
I guess at this point we could realistically go another week or maybe even two. I think there is a decent possibility of making it to next Monday but I can't imagine much more than that given all these contractions. I actually think that J's water will break soon, but that's just a hunch.
Thanks so much for all the kind comments and "hugs" from my last post. It is so nice to know people do understand out there! Today was not as scary because I knew the drill and wasn't in shock. These L&D trips make for long days, but now that I know what to expect and a little more about how labor works, I feel better. My personal hope is to make it to Dec 1 so we are 35 weeks and then not much longer so that J's life doesn't have to be turned upside down much more. It's really a burden to her and her family for her to be on bedrest since she has two small kids to be concerned about. 35 weeks would be a great compromise between the babies being healthier and J not being stuck in bed forever. :) In the meantime, please pray Kenna heads back down again!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
We made it to 34 weeks!
Well, here we are, we made it to 34 weeks and we haven't been back to labor & delivery this weekend. J is having 1-5 contractions per hour still and has not hit the 6 contractions per hour threshold necessary to call and see about going in. So what does this mean? How soon will the babies come? No clue.
We have another routing non-stress test tomorrow and I'm feeling about 90% sure we'll be in the hospital most of the day after. J only felt a small percentage of the contractions she was actually having when she was hooked up to the monitor Friday, so if she is still feeling up to 5 per hour, that means she is likely having more than that. And if she is, they will again send us from the testing area to labor & delivery to be monitored again, check for dilation, etc. I'm holding my breath for what happens from there. If she is dilating more, they will try to stop it most likely by admitting her and giving her stronger medications than the shots they give in the triage. From there, who knows how long she will be in? They may just keep her on hospital bedrest. That would be so hard on J and her family and I dread that outcome. Or, perhaps they will stabilize her and send her home. The next routine test is on Wednesday, and then we would start the process over. I'm not sure why they didn't send her home with pills to relax the contractions, like our fellow blogger Marika has right now. That seems to make the most sense but when J asked about it Friday they just said no, they weren't sending her home with any. I guess I just feel like it's a lot to put J through with all these hours being monitored at L&D, possibly even being admitted, and if that can be mitigated at all with pills at home, why not? I'm not a doctor of course, so maybe there is some obvious reason I just don't know about.
So here we are, sort of in a world of ambiguity. As you all know by now, I don't do well in this world. In fact, if I'm being completely honest, I'm absolutely dreading this week. NOT the actual birth of course, but what I anticipate to be a constant roller coaster. It is SO STRESSFUL. What is more stressful is that I think a lot of people (non-IMs) think, "Why are YOU stressed? You don't even have to give birth! J is the one who should be stressed!" And knowing that people think that stresses me out MORE because it feels like no one understands that it can be really hard to be on this side too, even if you are not giving birth. And OF COURSE J has a lot to be concerned about - good grief, I can't even imagine going through this ambiguity AND having to give birth at the end! That's not my point at all. It's just that it's a unique stress to be on this side that few people can understand. To give you a glimpse (here comes a list!):
1. Because I am very stressed but at the same time feel guilty/embarrassed for being stressed when J is the one who has to give birth, I can't even show completely how I am feeling at any given time because I have to be concerned with not freaking J out, not freaking B out, not freaking the doctors out (in the case that they might let B in the delivery room if we look calm enough), not freaking J's family out when we are at her house, etc. It's SO hard to be feeling this stressed and nervous and have to do your best to keep it on lockdown. The worst part? My version of "lockdown" is still pretty transparent. So as hard as I'm trying, I know everyone around me still thinks I'm a stress case. That's nowhere NEAR what I'm feeling! Which then just leads to more stress and embarrassment. :(
2. Being an IM always means that you don't have the "latest" information on the pregnancy per se because you are not living it. But that takes on a whole new meaning here at the end when your babies could be coming at any time. When people ask for updates now, it's more often than I get them myself, which causes more stress! It would be no big deal if I were the one who was pregnant because I could just, well, update them! But poor J is trying to rest up and she doesn't need to worry about constantly updating me that this hour she had 1 contraction, the next hour was 3, etc. At the end of the day it doesn't much matter until she hits the "magic 6", so our update in most cases is the assumption that nothing has changed because we haven't heard from her. There is absolutely nothing different that J should be doing, it's just the nature of being on this side of the surrogacy. It's just something I have to deal with. But that doesn't mean it isn't stressful. J is doing absolutely everything she can, updating periodically, being on bedrest, following doctors' instructions, etc.
3. I'm really stressed about making sure J is taken care of while on bedrest. She has an amazing family and church family that are all helping out too. People have offered to bring her dinners this week, her husband has offered to work from home part of the time, and we are definitely not "on our own" to care of her and the family. But I still of course feel it is our primary responsibility and it's hard to know exactly what to do! We would of course do anything to make sure J has all she needs and is comfortable. But we also know that it can be difficult to have other people in your house all the time, so I've been looking to J to give us direction on what we can and should do for her. That's hard though, because J is somewhat soft spoken and doesn't want to ask for much, so I'm constantly wondering if we should just jump in and do more because she probably doesn't want to ask, or if we should accept that she is drawing the line for us between her privacy and what she really needs/wants us to do. And then I wonder if there are things we haven't offered/said/done that we should have and just didn't think to because we are thinking about so much at once right now! This is all VERY stressful to me because the last thing in the world that I want is for J to feel like we are not appropriately caring for her needs during this critical time.
4. The babies' health. We are at 34 weeks now and in ALL likelihood they will do just fine. But that is still 6 weeks early. I'm concerned that there will be problems. Even more so than that, I'm concerned that there are problems that we don't even know about (birth defects, etc., unrelated to prematurity) and are days from finding out about. Problems that could flip our lives upside down. Problems that could quickly turn this from a journey of joy to despair. A friend of mine from college had a full term baby a few years back that they had no indication had any problem until the birth. Then they found out about a heart problem and the baby died a week later. The end of the pregnancy could mean the beginning of something horrible. I KNOW, I know, I know, you are all saying, why focus on that rather than that it will likely mean only something wonderful? I guess it's just my personality. I would rather fear the worst, stress about it and be relieved when it doesn't happen than be completely shocked. It's not a conscious decision, it's just what goes on in my head.
5. I worry about the babies turning around, forcing J into a c-section. She knows it could happen and isn't going crazy over it, but we all know it would really, really suck. I know she'll be recovering from birth no matter what, and that is not fun, but it's worse with a c-section. I worry about being in a state of joy and excitement with two new babies and feeling guilt that poor J is at home in pain. I worry about how we can take care of her when we are taking care of two newborns too.
6. You'll all like this one...I worry that I will still worry after the babies are here. :) lol Not about the babies themselves, I know that's natural, but about J and always wondering if we did everything "right" to make this as positive as possible. I worry that there is something that she'll always think back on, like "I still can't believe that they...(something negative)" As you read this post, you can see that 99.9% of my worries are about J. I have to emphasize that that has nothing to do with J herself or what she is doing/saying or not doing/saying. It's the nature of being an IM, and especially an IM who is a type A by nature. Some of it probably has to do specifically with the nature of having a surro who is also a friend, because I care so much about our ongoing relationship.
So there you have it. I know that the actual delivery will be very exciting and a day I will never forget. But I would love to hit fast forward to that time. :)
We have another routing non-stress test tomorrow and I'm feeling about 90% sure we'll be in the hospital most of the day after. J only felt a small percentage of the contractions she was actually having when she was hooked up to the monitor Friday, so if she is still feeling up to 5 per hour, that means she is likely having more than that. And if she is, they will again send us from the testing area to labor & delivery to be monitored again, check for dilation, etc. I'm holding my breath for what happens from there. If she is dilating more, they will try to stop it most likely by admitting her and giving her stronger medications than the shots they give in the triage. From there, who knows how long she will be in? They may just keep her on hospital bedrest. That would be so hard on J and her family and I dread that outcome. Or, perhaps they will stabilize her and send her home. The next routine test is on Wednesday, and then we would start the process over. I'm not sure why they didn't send her home with pills to relax the contractions, like our fellow blogger Marika has right now. That seems to make the most sense but when J asked about it Friday they just said no, they weren't sending her home with any. I guess I just feel like it's a lot to put J through with all these hours being monitored at L&D, possibly even being admitted, and if that can be mitigated at all with pills at home, why not? I'm not a doctor of course, so maybe there is some obvious reason I just don't know about.
So here we are, sort of in a world of ambiguity. As you all know by now, I don't do well in this world. In fact, if I'm being completely honest, I'm absolutely dreading this week. NOT the actual birth of course, but what I anticipate to be a constant roller coaster. It is SO STRESSFUL. What is more stressful is that I think a lot of people (non-IMs) think, "Why are YOU stressed? You don't even have to give birth! J is the one who should be stressed!" And knowing that people think that stresses me out MORE because it feels like no one understands that it can be really hard to be on this side too, even if you are not giving birth. And OF COURSE J has a lot to be concerned about - good grief, I can't even imagine going through this ambiguity AND having to give birth at the end! That's not my point at all. It's just that it's a unique stress to be on this side that few people can understand. To give you a glimpse (here comes a list!):
1. Because I am very stressed but at the same time feel guilty/embarrassed for being stressed when J is the one who has to give birth, I can't even show completely how I am feeling at any given time because I have to be concerned with not freaking J out, not freaking B out, not freaking the doctors out (in the case that they might let B in the delivery room if we look calm enough), not freaking J's family out when we are at her house, etc. It's SO hard to be feeling this stressed and nervous and have to do your best to keep it on lockdown. The worst part? My version of "lockdown" is still pretty transparent. So as hard as I'm trying, I know everyone around me still thinks I'm a stress case. That's nowhere NEAR what I'm feeling! Which then just leads to more stress and embarrassment. :(
2. Being an IM always means that you don't have the "latest" information on the pregnancy per se because you are not living it. But that takes on a whole new meaning here at the end when your babies could be coming at any time. When people ask for updates now, it's more often than I get them myself, which causes more stress! It would be no big deal if I were the one who was pregnant because I could just, well, update them! But poor J is trying to rest up and she doesn't need to worry about constantly updating me that this hour she had 1 contraction, the next hour was 3, etc. At the end of the day it doesn't much matter until she hits the "magic 6", so our update in most cases is the assumption that nothing has changed because we haven't heard from her. There is absolutely nothing different that J should be doing, it's just the nature of being on this side of the surrogacy. It's just something I have to deal with. But that doesn't mean it isn't stressful. J is doing absolutely everything she can, updating periodically, being on bedrest, following doctors' instructions, etc.
3. I'm really stressed about making sure J is taken care of while on bedrest. She has an amazing family and church family that are all helping out too. People have offered to bring her dinners this week, her husband has offered to work from home part of the time, and we are definitely not "on our own" to care of her and the family. But I still of course feel it is our primary responsibility and it's hard to know exactly what to do! We would of course do anything to make sure J has all she needs and is comfortable. But we also know that it can be difficult to have other people in your house all the time, so I've been looking to J to give us direction on what we can and should do for her. That's hard though, because J is somewhat soft spoken and doesn't want to ask for much, so I'm constantly wondering if we should just jump in and do more because she probably doesn't want to ask, or if we should accept that she is drawing the line for us between her privacy and what she really needs/wants us to do. And then I wonder if there are things we haven't offered/said/done that we should have and just didn't think to because we are thinking about so much at once right now! This is all VERY stressful to me because the last thing in the world that I want is for J to feel like we are not appropriately caring for her needs during this critical time.
4. The babies' health. We are at 34 weeks now and in ALL likelihood they will do just fine. But that is still 6 weeks early. I'm concerned that there will be problems. Even more so than that, I'm concerned that there are problems that we don't even know about (birth defects, etc., unrelated to prematurity) and are days from finding out about. Problems that could flip our lives upside down. Problems that could quickly turn this from a journey of joy to despair. A friend of mine from college had a full term baby a few years back that they had no indication had any problem until the birth. Then they found out about a heart problem and the baby died a week later. The end of the pregnancy could mean the beginning of something horrible. I KNOW, I know, I know, you are all saying, why focus on that rather than that it will likely mean only something wonderful? I guess it's just my personality. I would rather fear the worst, stress about it and be relieved when it doesn't happen than be completely shocked. It's not a conscious decision, it's just what goes on in my head.
5. I worry about the babies turning around, forcing J into a c-section. She knows it could happen and isn't going crazy over it, but we all know it would really, really suck. I know she'll be recovering from birth no matter what, and that is not fun, but it's worse with a c-section. I worry about being in a state of joy and excitement with two new babies and feeling guilt that poor J is at home in pain. I worry about how we can take care of her when we are taking care of two newborns too.
6. You'll all like this one...I worry that I will still worry after the babies are here. :) lol Not about the babies themselves, I know that's natural, but about J and always wondering if we did everything "right" to make this as positive as possible. I worry that there is something that she'll always think back on, like "I still can't believe that they...(something negative)" As you read this post, you can see that 99.9% of my worries are about J. I have to emphasize that that has nothing to do with J herself or what she is doing/saying or not doing/saying. It's the nature of being an IM, and especially an IM who is a type A by nature. Some of it probably has to do specifically with the nature of having a surro who is also a friend, because I care so much about our ongoing relationship.
So there you have it. I know that the actual delivery will be very exciting and a day I will never forget. But I would love to hit fast forward to that time. :)
Friday, November 21, 2008
Holy cow! Trip to Labor and Delivery...
Things have gone from 0 to 100 really fast! Quick post because my head is spinning...
We went for another non stress test. Last week it was simple, fast and perfect. Today...we ended up in the labor and delivery triage for 6 hours.
J was having contractions frequently and couldn't even feel them. So we had to be moved to labor and delivery. She said last night she woke up and felt a little funny but didn't know what it was. The doctor came and checked her in L&D and she was 2 cm dilated! She has NEVER dilated before water breaking in her past 2 pregnancies. So this was a shock to all of us. We have had no issues at all in this pregnancy and no warning signals lately that we were getting close...AT ALL. (I think those of you reading this agreed since everyone's delivery prediction was mid-December!) To find this out was shocking to say the least. They gave her a shot of the terbutiline (sp?) and it helped but she still had contractions when it wore off. The FFN then came back positive. They said if it was negative they could tell us with 99% certainty they wouldn't be born this week. But if it was positive they said that really didn't mean anything.
They really want us to make it to 35 weeks and will stop labor until then as much as possible. She is on bedrest now for a week and one day to reach that point. I really thought we would easily make it to 36 weeks since all has been so smooth. We'll only be 34 weeks on Sunday (if we get that far!). I'm 1) freaking out that this is actually happening, 2) worried about the babies' health this early, 3) excited. Mostly just in a state of shock. I feel like someone hit me with a stun gun. I can't believe we could be having babies this week. I'm pretty sure we'll hit 34 weeks since that's just the day after tomorrow, but I don't know how much longer after that.
J is doing great. If you can sense my franticness in this post, just know that she is as calm as a snail and is NOT like this. LOL B is a little nervous about the babies' health this early, but is pretty calm too. So, if you're looking for me, I'll just be over here in this little corner freaking out alone. :) But seriously, how can I not freak out and feel emotional about it all? It's been a LONG journey. We could be arriving. It IS emotional. It IS crazy. It IS, it IS, it IS...OMG, I don't know what it IS, but it's a whirlwind!
We went for another non stress test. Last week it was simple, fast and perfect. Today...we ended up in the labor and delivery triage for 6 hours.
J was having contractions frequently and couldn't even feel them. So we had to be moved to labor and delivery. She said last night she woke up and felt a little funny but didn't know what it was. The doctor came and checked her in L&D and she was 2 cm dilated! She has NEVER dilated before water breaking in her past 2 pregnancies. So this was a shock to all of us. We have had no issues at all in this pregnancy and no warning signals lately that we were getting close...AT ALL. (I think those of you reading this agreed since everyone's delivery prediction was mid-December!) To find this out was shocking to say the least. They gave her a shot of the terbutiline (sp?) and it helped but she still had contractions when it wore off. The FFN then came back positive. They said if it was negative they could tell us with 99% certainty they wouldn't be born this week. But if it was positive they said that really didn't mean anything.
They really want us to make it to 35 weeks and will stop labor until then as much as possible. She is on bedrest now for a week and one day to reach that point. I really thought we would easily make it to 36 weeks since all has been so smooth. We'll only be 34 weeks on Sunday (if we get that far!). I'm 1) freaking out that this is actually happening, 2) worried about the babies' health this early, 3) excited. Mostly just in a state of shock. I feel like someone hit me with a stun gun. I can't believe we could be having babies this week. I'm pretty sure we'll hit 34 weeks since that's just the day after tomorrow, but I don't know how much longer after that.
J is doing great. If you can sense my franticness in this post, just know that she is as calm as a snail and is NOT like this. LOL B is a little nervous about the babies' health this early, but is pretty calm too. So, if you're looking for me, I'll just be over here in this little corner freaking out alone. :) But seriously, how can I not freak out and feel emotional about it all? It's been a LONG journey. We could be arriving. It IS emotional. It IS crazy. It IS, it IS, it IS...OMG, I don't know what it IS, but it's a whirlwind!
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