Our Buns Were in Someone Else's Oven

Blog Transition

2009-07-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

I've decided it's time to start a new blog. Really, a continuation of this, but I wanted to make a blog for our family in general going forward. I have felt like I need to keep my posts here about the babies, parenting, or infertility/surrogacy and I'd like to have a more general blogspot. :) Of course, it will still be mostly the same things, but I just wanted to make it more of a "family blog" now that we are no longer in the midst of a surrogacy journey. This blog will be left up because I hope that others find it and it somehow encourages them in their own journies.

If anyone is interested in continuing to keep up with us, I would be honored for you to come on over to the new blog and follow along. There is nothing there yet, but will be soon!

http://crainfamilyblog.blogspot.com/

What kind of parent do I want to be?

2009-06-30T09:23:00.001-07:00

A long reflection at the 6 months point... :) I can't imagine that anyone cares enough to read all this, but I've been wanting to get my thoughts on "paper" about this, so it's time. (I just posted a baby update below also.)

This is a question that I have thought about a lot. I think about, "what kind of parent am I?" and "what kind of parent do I want to be?" Once I answer those questions, I can look at the gap between the answers and know what I need to do do change.

It's always easier, I think, to answer the question of the ideal first - what kind of parent I WANT to be. Here is my manifesto, in no particular order.

1. I want to be a proactive parent. It seems to me that too many people just have kids in their house without thinking about how to actually raise them. They just sort of "wing it" and deal with things as they come along. It takes a lot more effort to be a proactive parent - someone who parents with an already thought about philosophy, who educates themselves about what their kids need at each step before they get there, who is basically always 5 steps ahead. I can't stand the saying "all kids need is love". That is a nice sounding platitude, but at the end of the day, I believe it is my job as a parent to give them much more. Of course they need love! But I don't believe you can boil down everything they need to that. If we want to talk about "all they need", I could say all they need is food and water. Of course there are basic needs, and fortunately most families meet those for their children. But there is so much more we can give our kids if we are really proactive. As one small example, I want to raise Nathan and Kenna to be bilingual in French (I'm half French). I just finished reading an awesome book called "The Bilingual Edge" about how/when to introduce another language. The book is very specific about how to do it based on research. I've got a whole spreadsheet laid out with the times dedicated to interacting with them in French and what activities we will do, etc. Basically, they will be at a 40% French/60% English split during the week. If I weren't being proactive, I would just plan to send them to French lessons later in their childhood. But, I wanted to know how to BEST do this, and learned from the book how important it is to start now, that videos are a waste of time, that you have to do at least 20% in the other language to make a difference, what kids of books to read them, etc...all kinds of things I would not have just guessed. On this factor of how I want to be, I'm going to give myself an A so far...if there is anything in life I'm good at, it's being proactive. I'm super motivated and read, read, read to make sure I'm doing what I feel are all the best things at every stage.

2. I want to be a parent who models the way I would like my kids to be as adults. It's one thing to tell your kids to be a certain way, another thing to have them see you do it. I'm constantly mindful of this now and I recognize there are certain weaknesses I have that I don't want to model for my kids. Most top of mind for me is my temper/impatience. It's always been a struggle for me. If something makes me mad, I go from 0 to 100 in a seconds. It was so hard for me when I struggled with the solids because I was becoming so frustrated and mad visibly and I had to realize that I don't want to exhibit that in front of them. OF COURSE I am not a perfect person and there will be times I get mad in front of them. I don't have unrealistic expectations. But, my kids motivate me to be a better person so that they can be better people for having been raised with a better model. I work on it every day. On this one, I'm going to give myself a C+ right now. I think I started at an F when they were really little because I was SO frustrated all the time. But I'm improving. :)

3. I want to be a parent who models a good marriage. It's unfortunate that so many people of my generation were raised in troubled families. I've seen how it's impacted my friends' lives - several of whom even refuse to marry because they don't believe it can work. B and I were both SOOOOO fortunate to have been raised in happy, loving homes. I want so much for Nathan and Kenna to grow up to see what a loving, happy, God-centered marriage looks like. B and I have a great relationship and I never want having kids to somehow make that relationship less important. It does our kids no favors to focus only on them and not on each other as spouses. We agree that we will always take time to go on "dates", we will always eat dinner together as a family, we will not argue in front of our kids (of course I'm sure that will happen sometimes, but we are mindful of it), and we will continue to do the things we love even if it doesn't always include the kids. As an example, thanks to B's parents having the kids for the weekend, we will be setting out on a backpacking trip in August! So far, I'm gonna give us an A on this one. We have been going out on weekends thanks to B's parents babysitting, we've done two family trips and are going on another next week, and we've been spending a great amount of time together!

4. I want to be a parent who raises kids to love God. We are Christians and I want to raise my kids in a Christian home. That said, this is a tough one for me. Both of us grew up going to church but neither of us grew up in homes where faith was a matter of active discussion/practice. For example, my mom would read HER Bible every night, but she never engaged me in reading it or discussing it, or discussing faith at all...yet she is an incredibly strong Christian woman herself. Now, I guarantee what she would say is that I would never have been interested. True, as a teenager. But I wasn't RAISED that way and by the teen years it is too late. I don't believe in leaving faith to be something that you only learn about in church. I also don't believe in mixing faith and academics (I would not send my kids to a Christian school). I remember one time I came home from church camp after a week. I was probably 12 or so. For a whole week I was immersed in thinking about God, talking about God, praying, etc. By the time I got home I was talking to my mom about God like that's what we always did. Soon after I realized how strange that was...because we weren't like that normally. But after getting used to it at camp, it was comfortable. I liken that to how I want to raise Nathan and Kenna. I want faith to be part of their lives from the beginning so it is always comfortably a part of our home lives. I will share with them the Bible, pray with them, explain to them why faith matters in life. B and I recently started praying before meals together. We don't normally do that but we want to get used to it so we can do it with Nathan and Kenna when they are a bit older. Since they are too young at this point, I can't grade myself yet on this one.

5. I want to be a parent who is present in mind, not just in body. With all this proactivity, reading, thinking, planning, etc. going on, it is easy to spend more time on those things than enjoying the moment and being mentally present with your kids. For a while, I was so into our routine that I was a little robotic moving the kids around their "stations" - bouncer, mat, swing, jumper, etc. - without thinking much about it. About a month ago though I started to really focus on making myself present, realizing how important that is and that I wasn't doing a good job of it. Of course I need to get chores done and I don't think it's healthy to play with your kids constantly (they need to learn independence)...but I now spend much more time just sitting with them, talking to them about what they are playing with (of course in French 40% of the time! lol), holding and kissing them, etc. I'm really making sure that I'm not letting it all pass me by. I'm REALLY aware that these are probably the only kids we will ever have. I would give myself a D on this one in the past but lately I would give myself a solid B. Still working on it, and I know this is very, very important.

6. I want to be a parent who pushes their kids to be their best. It's so not cool these days to say you want to "push" your kids. It brings to mind images of hard core parents who are shuffling kids to and from activities without time to breathe, who live by the mantra that only first place matters, and who enroll their baby daughters in pageants by age 1. This is not what I mean. Notice that I said "pushes their kids to be THEIR best"...not to be something they aren't. I'm always surprised at how many people bristle at the idea of pushing their kids, that they just want them to be themselves and make their own decisions. I don't believe that kids are old enough to make many decisions on what is best for them, so it is up to the parents to use good judgment in this area. Just like I have the weaknesses I described, my kids will have weaknesses. I am certain that Nathan will have a temper and Kenna will be overly fearful (one of my own weaknesses), for example. But I don't want to just accept that that's how they are and we're done. If Kenna is fearful of something, I will work with her to overcome that and be conscious of her tendency toward fear so that I don't encourage it. I saw my friend K's son fall from a playground ladder once and I screamed while he was in the air. She hardly flinched, and neither did her son because he is used to her not making a big deal of things (it wasn't a huge fall). It sounds funny, but I was inspired by that - kids really respond to how you respond, so I will be cogniscent of Kenna's fears in order to not overreact to things which would then encourage her fear further. Another example of "pushing" would be requiring them to finish things they start (unless there is a good reason to drop out). I doubt any kid is happy about piano lessons all the time. But, if our kids take piano lessons (B plays piano so this is likely), they will be required to take them for a given amount of time. After that, we can talk about things. But there is NO WAY I would let them take like 4 lessons, tell me they hate it, and quit. I don't know how many I would make them take, but I would decide with B up front, agree with the kids on it so they know what to expect, and go from there. It pushes them beyond what they would do naturally and teaches them about tenacity, patience, and the rewards of hard work. Hard to grade myself on this one yet, but I will say that I'm already working on Nathan's temper/impatience...I have been making him wait in the high chair for a while after eating and he no longer screams to get down. :)

7. I want to be a parent who fosters character building. I really believe this is another thing you have to actively work at as a parent. I want to instill in them values of being humble, kind, gracious, self-giving, thankful and loving. I have been thinking, for example, about how cool it would be for them to give something to a child in need each year on their own birthday. I want to take them to volunteer for others when they are old enough. It would be a lot easier to not actively think about what experiences would foster character building, but I want to be a parent who seeks out these experiences to make the most impact on their development.

8. I want to be a parent whose kids know that they are loved at all times. OK, so I said that "all kids need is love" is too trite, but it certainly is something they need lots and lots of! As I have "gotten to know" my little ones over the last few months, I have fallen so deeply in love with them that it scares me sometimes. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't love them so much because if something happens to one of them I would die. In a weird way, I think that fear is exacerbated because I know we probably can't have any more kids. It's not that I could ever replace one of them, but sometimes it feels like they are EXTRA precious because of our unique situation. B and I for the last few weeks have been sneaking into the nursery at night before our own bedtime for a "baby check"...it has nothing to do with the babies needing to be checked and everthing to do with us needing to look at our sleeping cherubs. We go in, whisper about how precious they are that night (every night), put a hand on their backs just to be closer to them, and kiss them gently to not wake them up. We love them sooooo much and I always want them to know that. They are the most amazing little people. No matter how tired I am in the morning, when I walk into the nursery and see their smiling faces, all I can do is smile, feel my heart melt and be oh so grateful that I have the opportunity to sweep them into my arms for one more day. I can only hope that I can live up to the expectations I have for myself in this post in order to give them the best lives possible.

6.5 Months!

2009-06-30T08:08:00.000-07:00

Somehow we flew right by the 6 month post - I guess it was all that frustration over solids. ;)

Actually, not a ton has changed except 4 major things:

1. We started solids.
2. Kenna has two teeth as of last week!
3. Nathan is probably seconds away from crawling.
4. A trip to the emergency room for Nathan.

Solids...

We are doing MUCH better with solids now. We started rice cereal about a week and a half before they turned 6 months because I could tell that they were ready - well, that Nathan was ready. He was always hungry after emptying his bottles and never seemed satisfied, even with more milk. The cereal wasn't a big hit, they both spit it out. They still aren't big fans of it, but when I mix something in it goes better. We have since tried bananas, applesauce, carrots, pears, peas, green beans, squash and oatmeal. The only one they outright try to reject is peas. But I keep giving it to them because I want to give them the chance to like everything. It's getting better and they do pretty much eat them now. Victory! I definitely don't want picky eaters. Kenna LOVES applesauce. Nathan reacts pretty much the same to everything. I'd say Kenna has more of an affinity for her veggies than Nathan but he still eats them fine so I'm happy.

So, the recipe for our success after the frustrations of my last post was as follows:

1) Give them 3/4 of their bottles before solids. This was about 70% of the success. I had tried 1/2 of a bottle before and it wasn't enough to make them stop crying because they were still really hungry. I had tried the whole bottle but that was too much and they no longer cared about the solids. Well, Nathan would still have cared but I always try to find something that works for BOTH of them if possible because I like to keep it simple! So, giving them 3/4 worked well because it was right in the middle. If they aren't screaming, I'm not frustrated. So that was huge.

2) I made them pay attention to what we are doing and open their mouths before I would give them anything. Before when they were crying so much I was just trying to shovel it in fast so they wouldn't cry. But I realized they didn't know what was going on and I don't think they realized it was even food, so they were crying for their bottles. Now I make sure they are looking at the spoon, move slowly toward their mouths and wait for them to open. They have learned quickly since then. Nathan is a total pro already. He basically sits with his mouth open the whole time. Kenna is still a bit difficult sometimes - it's off and on with her. Sometimes she tries to play by blowing raspberries with the food rather than swallowing. I stopped laughing at it and she has done it much less. I now shake my head and say, "No, we don't play with our food." We've had a couple of choking incidents with her and I realized that she wasn't swallowing everything sometimes, just building it up in her throat and opening again. Now I wait a lot longer between bites for her and it hasn't happened again. It was super scary though!

3) They have a serving of solids with breakfast (7:30), lunch (10:30) and dinner (5:30). They have bottles at 2:30 without solids. I really felt that they would learn more quickly by praciticing more frequently so I kept at it with 3 meals per day and that's worked out. I also make sure to feed them bottles AND solids in their high chairs so they know it's feeding time. The only time I don't is the 2:30 bottle-only feed. I do that on the boppies. I figured out that they weren't crying BECAUSE of the high chairs, but because they were hungry by the time I put them in. Now they sit in the high chairs for a bit before we eat and a bit after. I make them wait for me to clean their faces, clean their bibs and their trays before they get down. I explain to them each time that we must do each of these things before they get down (and wait for one another). They intently watch what I do. It's really cute. :) They have become really patient! I'm so happy to see how they have changed that way. I don't give them toys or anything while they eat or wait because I want them to focus on mealtime, and then get used to waiting patiently. I'm amazed, to be honest, that it's working with them being so young. They used to scream to get down right after but now they understand that doesn't work and wait nicely. I am a proud mommy!

Kenna has two teeth...

Kenna beat Nathan to something...she has two teeth that broke through last week! A couple of months ago I could have sworn she was teething but nothing happened. I didn't notice any teething symptoms lately and then all of a sudden there they were! There was a little blood spot on the gum one morning and the tooth broke through the next day. By Wednesday last week, the other one popped through too, literally a day or two apart! It's so cute! They are far enough out that you notice when she laughs and smiles and it's adorable - she seems like a big girl now! I'll post pictures in my next post. No sign yet of Nathan's teeth, just a bumpy gum.

Nathan is probably seconds away from crawling...

For the last month I would have sworn Nathan was like a day or two away from crawling. He is SO strong. He has done every position possible without actually crawling. I thought for sure around his six month birthday he was really close. He pushes up on his arms really high, scrunches his knees under him, then buries his head in the floor to push forward. He also has been doing something I call the backwards crab. He lies on his back, arches it way up with his head arched behind him (so his neck is sticking up) and scooches backward. He rolls all over the room. Basically, he can get wherever he wants with some combination of these things but hasn't actually crawled. If he has been days or hours from crawling earlier in the month, he must be seconds away the last couple of days. He has his stomach off the ground now and is in a perfect crawling position - up on arms and knees. This morning he managed to bring both knees up at the same time and moved forward. I thought for sure this was going to be it but not quite. :) It will be very, very soon. Kenna, ever since she learned to roll over both ways that week of my last post, has become so much stronger. It was like an overnight transition. She now pushes way off the ground just like Nathan. But she hasn't bunched her knees up yet so I think crawling is a while off for her.

A trip to the emergency room for Nathan...

This was much less eventful than it sounds. Nathan is fine. I will spare you the boring details, but basically he started "panting" heavily off and on at 5 pm last Thursday. It got more and more frequent and the Dr's office was closed so we took him to the emergency room. I didn't know what was going on; he had never done it before and I didn't want to just put him to bed panting. What if he couldn't breathe during the night? I took a video of it to show the doctor since I knew with my luck he wouldn't do it when we got there. Sure enough, he was sleeping and wasn't doing it. I showed them the video and they were totally amused I had taken a video. The triage guy said in 16 years no one had taken a video to show him. I couldn't believe it. It seemed totally obvious to me. The doctors checked him out and said he was fine. They saw the video and concluded he must have just "learned" something new.

What hasn't happened...

No sitting! I seriously think Nathan may walk before he sits. He is completely solid on his feet. In fact, this morning I was holding his hands and he started lifting one foot at a time to walk toward me! I was amazed. I have tried that before with him and he didn't want to lift his feet. He can sit with his hands between his legs for a few seconds but always wants to "get down" to roll/pseudo crawl instead. Kenna actually does better trying to sit. She can do it for a few seconds and has a better "posture". I think they are both strong enough now, they just haven't seen a reason to want to learn it. :)

I will post new pictures in a bit!

Taking a deep breath. :)

2009-06-13T07:28:00.000-07:00

OK, sorry about the random dramatic post last night. lol I was SO frustrated and I just had to get it out. I appreciate the comments and suggestions. It's a new day and I have renewed energy so we'll try something different today. Pledge for today:

1) I will not become frustrated when the babies don't want the solids. I understand they can sense this and it helps nothing.

2) I will keep reminding myself that though they seem like little kids now compared to being newborns, they are still just little babies who have a lot to learn in the world. This is a very different experience for them. I think sometimes I see them as big kids now.

3) I will keep the bigger picture perspective that they don't have to have learned to eat full meals 3 times per day by tomorrow and we need to learn a little at a time. They have not failed and I have not failed if they don't get it immediately.

I will let you know how that goes. Thanks again for the suggestions and comments. I will change some things up today. :)

FRUSTRATION!

2009-06-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

I am interrupting the regularly scheduled positive blog experience to vent to the world about my frustrations with solids. I don't know why, I just have to put this out there. (I will post a 6 month old update soon, I promise!)

So we started solids a couple of weeks ago. It is NOT GOING WELL!! Honestly, by the time night comes I am so frustrated I want to throw rocks through our windows. Like right now. Here's the problem. They pretty much cry the ENTIRE time I am feeding them the solids. In fact, they cry the second I put them in the high chairs for the most part. They don't like sitting up to eat and they don't like eating anything but their bottles. I know it's not the food because they outright rejected peas, so now I know what that is like (spitting out all the food and refusing to swallow). All other foods we have tried - rice cereal, pears, carrots, applesauce, and bananas - they have accepted (i.e., not spit out for the most part; yes I am waiting 3 days between starting each new one). But the whole time we are sitting there they are crying in between bites. I've gotten to the point I'm so frustrated that I wait until they scream - mouth open - and stick the food in. Yeah, I know, really helping the situation by giving them a negative association with the experience.

I'm sort of mad at our pediatrician for telling us we had to wait until they were 6 months old. I'm convinced that this is too long to wait and that at this point they are so used to their bottles they don't want anything else. It's been TWO WEEKS of the same thing and they aren't getting any happier with it. I've increased the frequency so we now do a serving of solids at breakfast, lunch and dinner, just like the end goal. They get their bottle after they finish the serving. Then there is one feeding at 2:30 of just their bottles. They are doing fine swallowing it so I'm not going by the whole "give them 1 or 2 spoons to start per day". They know how to do it, they just don't WANT to, so I see no reason for just having them take 1 or 2 spoons. They'll never learn that way. And Nathan has no problem eating a whole serving in a sitting. He likes the food, but he is still crying.

I think the reason Nathan cries is that he is totally hungry by the time of the feed and he can't control the speed of solids. Yes, I've tried 1) giving him half the bottle first so he's not ravenous and 2) giving him the whole bottle first and then the solids. If I give him half the bottle he still cries because he wants the rest. If I give him the whole bottle he doesn't want the solids. Kenna I think cries just because she doesn't want to accept anything new period.

At this point, I'm not willing to stop for a few days, cut back to 1 or 2 teaspoons per day, etc. I don't see the point. They just have to learn and practice makes perfect. And I may go insane in the meantime. I mean, really, really insane.

Did anyone else have a really frustrating experience starting solids?

For the record book...

2009-05-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

This is DEFINITELY Kenna's big week to officially claim she can roll over...and over...and over! She has rolled from front to back probably 20 times in the last 2 days. I keep putting her on her tummy and she immediately rolls to back (I think she thinks it's lots of fun to not have to do tummy time now!). Hooray! It took a while, but she has it mastered!

New Pictures

2009-05-27T10:40:00.000-07:00

(Baby update in post below...)

Here are some recent favorite pictures! The outdoor ones at the end are from Memorial Day weekend. We went to Big Bear Lake. It was so much fun hiking with them and taking them fishing for the first time! I was so excited to share our favorite activities with them.

5.5 Months!

2009-05-27T08:29:00.000-07:00

Time for an update! I keep resolving to get back to my weekly updates and then time slips away. I have so much I want to write about outside of baby updates (about parenting in general and life after infertility) but top priority is baby updates so I can keep track of everything so here we go! I will post pictures in a little bit (today).

Nathan

Nathan continues to be our little strong man! He is VERY physically active. I desperately wants to crawl but isn't quite old enough. He pushes up on his arms about as far as you can possibly go and scrunches up his knees to try to push. He just hasn't quite coordinated lifting his tummy off the ground in order to get to that next step. He rolls around constantly so I have to watch him at all times. The other day I left him in the middle of the living room floor and went to get something in the kitchen. I came back and it looked like he was gone! But instead he had just rolled all the way over to the corner of the room behind a chair. :) He was lying there smiling at me when I found him! He is such a happy little boy - full of BIG smiles for mommy especially. I can almost always make him smile hugely at any time. A lot of times when he is playing on his own and I'm doing something else I will catch him lying there watching me. As soon as I smile at him and he realizes he's been "caught" watching mama he gets a giant smile and buries his head in his arms like he is embarrassed! It's so adorable. I'm sure babies don't get embarrassed at this age, so we think he just forgets to coordinate his smiles with his strength in pushing up (he is almost always on his tummy now, pushing up on his arms).

We bought an exersaucer sort of thing to help them gain the muscles for sitting up and eventually standing. Nathan struggled with it the first couple of days but now he LOVES it and is sitting really well in it...and standing! It's crazy how you can see the development happening so fast. He plants both feet on the ground solidly now and can literally stand up in it, whereas a couple of weeks ago he hadn't figured out how to put his feet on the ground. I can tell it's made a difference in his balance and back strength too because he can now sit unassisted for a few seconds at a time. And when I hold him standing (not in the saucer) he now stands solidly straight up! This is all new since the saucer, so I'm very excited it's doing something.

Nathan is loving his feet. He lies around holding them and looks very pleased with himself. He is great with his hands too, though I don't think he's got the same fine control that Kenna has yet. He just takes big swats at things and grabs everything he can.

Once in a while we can get him to laugh out loud. We got lots of squeals or little mini-laughs, but full on adult-type laughter is still hard to get. One very random thing we can do to elicit that kind of laugh is say in a very gravely, low voice, "mama's gotta work". I know, it's so random! I don't even remember how it started. I was probably playing around with him one Monday or Tuesday when I work (I work from home) letting him know I couldn't play then and he just thinks it's so funny. I've tried other phrases in the same voice and it doesn't get the same response. :)

It's a good thing we get to start solids in 2 weeks...Nathan ate 15 ounces of formula this morning! HE IS READY! LOL - He is on his tummy next to me and reached over and hit the caps lock right when I typed he is ready!!! I guess he wanted to make that point! He is over 18 pounds and wears mostly 9 month clothes! I'm 5'2/110 pounds and B is 6'2 and thin as a rail...I don't know where Nathan is getting his size from!

Oh, and we have solved Nathan's sleep issue, of getting stuck in the rails and screaming...or rather J solved it. She brought us a mesh bumper and it worked! I'm not afraid of using it since it's breathable, and it keeps him from getting stuck, so we are back to full nights of sleep! Hooray!!

Kenna

Kenna has had a few big moments in the last week...she's rolled over several times! She is really showing an interest now in more physical activity. She has rolled over in the past a couple of times but it was never something she could "replicate". Last week she rolled from stomach to back three times in a row one morning, and this week she has rolled over a few more times from stomach to back. I think she is getting the hang of it because you can see her trying a lot more now. She is also trying to go back to stomach and spends a lot of time on her side recently, half way there. She rolled over that way once or twice a while ago, but never again. So she is definitely working on the more physical skills now. I'm relieved - I really thought she was never going to do this stuff! She lifts up much better now on her tummy and gets up on her elbows. She doesn't have the arm strength yet to push up on her arms like Nathan but now that she is taking an interest in more movement I think it's going to happen pretty soon. I'm excited to have the saucer for her too because she is interested in it and it's helping her with her upright balance. She won't stay in as long as Nathan because she hasn't figured out how to plant her feet so she has more control. But I can definitely see it helping her already too!

Kenna continues to be extraordinarily aware of everything and everyone around her. You can just see her studying things all the time. While Nathan is rolling around experimenting with his body, Kenna is calmly and intently watching either him or some small part of something in front of her. She has a really deep attention for things and you can practically see the wheels turning in her head. You can often tell what she is thinking - especially when I am holding Nathan and she is staring at me. "What about me? Why are you holding him and not me?" She is so aware of what Nathan is doing and most of the time he is totally unaware of her (though I caught them smiling at each other once and it was so precious!). She is our little deep thinker. :) I can't make her smile on cue the way I can with Nathan, but once I get her going, she gives the cutest, sweetest smiles you've ever seen. Her cheeks are so big and sweet when she smiles! We also laugh about how her cheeks seem like a separate part of her - we ask her, "how are your cheeks today?" :) She is still a snuggle bunny, loving to be held and carried around.

Kenna is over 16 pounds now, but she seems so much more delicate and petite than her brother! He feels like a tank compared to her! She eats 9 ounces per feeding, 4 times per day though, so she is holding her own. She still waits patiently in her crib in the morning for mommy to come in and now Nathan has caught on. It's so pleasant to wake up at 7 on my own, not to crying babies, and come in to find them happy and waiting!

I absolutely love dressing Kenna up with little dresses and hair bands/bows. I will go crazy when she has more hair to play with! Of course I'm biased, but I'm going to come right out and say that she is a beautiful little girl. We still get a constant train of people when we are out commenting on the twins and coming up to see them, etc., and she steals the show most of the time. :)

So that's the latest...they'll be 6 months in a week and half. That is CRAZY!!

Five months old!!

2009-05-10T15:25:00.001-07:00

Nathan and Kenna are five months old! Can you believe it? I certainly can't. It really is remarkable how fast they grow. It's so trite to say that (and I get tired of hearing it), but yes, it is true. Nathan is 17 pounds and Kenna is 15 pounds. People are always surprised when they ask how old they are and we say 5 months...they usually think they are a couple of months older!

So let's see, what's new? Well, I have to say that things have gotten a little more difficult lately if I'm being honest! I thought as babies got older they needed less attention, but I swear that Nathan and Kenna want more and more attention! It used to be that we would do "stations" during the day...some would involve me, others would involve them playing independently on their mat, etc. But I don't think there are ever times now where they are both happy to play on their own. It's become very tiring!! I get no breaks except during their lunch nap (and of course once they go to bed at 6:30). Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with them, but I also have to continue to get things done around the house and when two babies are constantly wanting attention it's next to impossible!! Mommy is very tired by the end of the day lately! All the little brief breaks I used to get during the day have gone out the window...I literally have swamps of emails I haven't been able to get to, and haven't read blogs in weeks. I know, that's not all that dire, but still, these were little things I used to do during the day when I had some free moments. I'm in the process of readjusting my expectations. :)

I would say the above is true for both of them, but especially for Nathan. He has always been so low maintenance (except at the beginning when we had the feeding problems) but lately he never wants to be in one spot for more than a few minutes. All this really started when he learned to roll from stomach to back a few weeks ago. He won't stay on his back at all now and just constantly is rolling around. When we put him down for bed time he immediately turns over and puts himself on "tummy time". He plays around for a while (meanwhile Kenna is fast asleep, being the champion sleeper she is). Then when he gets tired he goes nuts because he is stuck on his stomach...he has somehow forgotten for the most part how to roll from stomach to back even though he was doing that since he was six weeks old! So he goes crazy in the crib, gets his arms and legs stuck in between rails (we have bumpers off since they are considered a hazard now), and screams until we come in usually 45 minutes after we put him down. We pull him out of the rails and he sleeps on his tummy the rest of the night (that's supposedly OK once they start flipping on their own, and this is how he chooses to sleep every single night now). It's become a little routine for him. Then he sleeps until 4 or 5 am when he wakes up and realizes he is stuck again and we have to move him. Very frustrating seeing as how we have had them sleeping 12 hours a night since they were 7 weeks old thanks to the brilliant schedules in "Contented House with Twins". I got too cozy with our little routine I guess! I move Nathan now half asleep and come back to bed. :) He is just a really active little boy and it's easy to tell he will crawl and walk really early...he is trying to crawl desperately but is just too young. He gets really frustrated because he wants mobility badly! Little Kenna is content to just sit in mommy's lap all day and smile at me. She has still only rolled over twice...they are stereotypical for a boy and a girl I uess!

Our schedule these days is: Wake up at 7 and eat. Nap 9-9:45 then eat. Nap 12-2 then eat. Nap 4:15-4:30 (yes, a cat nap) then eat. Bed at 6:30. Yup, they sleep over 12 hours at night! They both eat about 9 ounces per feeding (4 feedings per day). We'll start solids at 6 months per the pediatrician's recommendation. I can't believe they are almost old enough!

In other news we accomplished our first family trip! We went to Mammoth last weekend (ski area in central California). It's one of our favorite places to go both in winter and in summer. We went with some good friends of ours who also love Mammoth and who have a baby just 3 months younger than Nathan and Kenna. We drove up at night during their bed time and they did great (5 hour drive). They slept in their car seats the whole night and had no problems. The next night we had them at the condo in pack n plays and Kenna was the great sleeper she always is, just like mommy. Nathan, however, woke up at 4 am. I immediately started to panic and two lessons immediately became clear: 1) It is far more stressful to have babies in a location where others are sleeping because you can't just let them cry back to sleep like we would at home. 2) Without our trusty swing that puts either baby back to sleep when needed within minutes, combined with number 1 above, it was a very scary situation. B walked Nathan around for a good hour and he just didn't want to sleep. It threw the whole day off. The next night he woke up even earlier, and it was even less fun in the wee hours of the morning. We are going to a cabin over Memorial Day and no matter how much space the swing takes up in the car, we will have it. :) When all was said and done, all of us were so proud to have made the effort to go...we are all of the mindset that it is really important to not give up on the things you enjoy after having kids just because it's more difficult. It wasn't the most fun trip I've ever had, but now that we know what to expect we can plan better for future trips.

So today is Mother's Day. I really looked forward to going to church this morning since they always celebrate motherhood and I have avoided this service like the plague for the last few years. But truth be told, I felt really weird about it all this morning. Our church had a red carpet toward the entrance with sunflowers for all the moms. I absolutely couldn't bring myself to walk down it and purposely walked in the other side. A red carpet signifies a position of honor or prestige. It's not that I don't think moms deserve that, but it hurt me to think of all the women who do not hold this "position of honor" yet long to desperately. There is no way I felt comfortable blithely walking down the symbolic path of honor knowing that I do not deserve that honor anymore than those women who are waiting still. Pretty much every time I'm out with the twins in public I am told how lucky I am. Over and over people tell me how much they always wanted twins, and how perfect that they are a boy and a girl and how beautiful they are. I am SO incredibly lucky. I am constantly aware of that. You can not decide that you are going to have kids, so anyone who has them IS lucky. Of course most people never have to give it a second thought. But for many of us who do, it will never feel right to be "honored" for something that you realize you can in no way control - Nathan and Kenna are a beautiful, precious gift from God and J and I am just the recipient of that blessing. No red carpet for me, please. I just want two of those sunflowers to put in their nursery, one for each blessing we have received.

Pictures!

2009-04-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

The first picture is my favorite picture of all time of them! I'm so peeved I can't figure out how to rotate it on here. It looks fine on my computer but when I upload here it goes sideways. Anyway, turn your head and you'll see my favorite picture ever. :)

Weeks 16 through 18: Found our hands!

2009-04-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm really behind!! Time has just been getting away from me. I can't keep up with the days! :)

Nathan and Kenna turned four months old last Wednesday. Can you believe it? And one year ago today is a very special day...it was the day of our egg retrieval and fertilization; basically the day that Nathan and Kenna were conceived - they have "existed" for exactly a year today! It is so hard to imagine how much has changed since that day.

Easter was a magical day for us as a little family. Christmas was their first major holiday, and it was amazing, but it was also a bit of a blur. They were about 3 weeks old, and we were sleep deprived, clueless new parents, just trying to survive. They were so little that they slept the whole day, so it didn't really seem like "their" first holiday. But Easter was different. We dressed Nathan up in a little suit (pictures to follow) and Kenna in a beautiful spring dress with a little hat, and they were so much more like small children than newborns for this holiday! They have such personalities now, and are so much fun, so it seemed like we were really "sharing the day" with them this time. We had the joy of taking them around grammy and papa's back yard for an Easter egg hunt (we have older nephews, it wasn't a hunt for them or it would have taken forever!). It felt like such a priviledge and joy to have our very own children this year to introduce our traditions to. Kenna was asleep during egg dying, but I had Nathan in my lap and "we" dyed an egg together. I was ecstatic and beaming. :) I LOVE holidays. I just love them. To get to experience a holiday with your own children is a whole new level of wonderful. It was an incredible, special day. B dyed an egg for me that said "MOM" on it and it brought tears to my eyes. I will never take for granted this incredible joy I have found in becoming a mom.

As for the latest and greatest news, it's all about hands! 3 weeks ago they found their hands. I had heard people mention babies finding their hands before and always thought it was a weird thing to point out - like, why is that a big deal? But now I understand it's a big deal because they have to FIND their hands before they can USE their hands. :) So 3 weeks ago they started bringing their hands together constantly (Kenna loved putting them in her mouth). Then 2 weeks ago they immediately started USING them to reach for things! What an amazing thing that develops so quickly after finding the hands the first time. When you dangle something in front of them, they concentrate really hard, put their arms out far apart, then slowly bring them together in the general area of the object. Kenna has really mastered this and grabs for things right away when presented with the opportunity (and then promptly brings the object to her mouth). Nathan isn't as quick to desire things presented to him, but when on the play mat, he has fun grabbing for the dangling things on his own. It's so awesome to see them intentionally reaching for things.

They have also started "talking" in a different way. They have been cooing for a while, but this week they have started this half squeal/half babble thing that is so cute. Kenna is doing it especially, but Nathan joins in sometimes too. Nathan spends more time enjoying his newest skill of blowing bubbles. This morning he did it for like 15 minutes straight! He gets giant smiles when you talk to him while he does it!

Big news for Kenna...she rolled over the first time on Monday! And I missed it! I put her on tummy time on the mat while I went to make breakfast. All of a sudden I heard "plunk" and turned around and she was on her back playing. She has never come close to rolling over before so I was more than a little surprised! And she hasn't done it since. I'm pretty sure she did it once just to cover off on the 4 month milestone that says they should have rolled over. :)

Similar big news for Nathan...he rolled over from back to tummy for the first time on Easter! He's been rolling tummy to back for a long time, but never the reverse way. It was funny - there were several people in the room (family gathering) and when he did it we all cheered. :)

Their personalities have really emerged and they each have some really cute things that they have made "their own"...

KENNA

Kenna LOVES attention! She is acutely aware of people - who is looking at her (or not looking at her), what they are doing, if they are happy/sad, etc. She really concentrates on faces, and gets a look of intense focus where her eyes get big and she purses her lips. When she was a newborn, she had that same look of concentration but she would actually concentrate so hard her eyes were crossed! I always thought that was adorable. Now she concentrates the same way, but she has eye control. :) Kenna really takes notice if I am holding Nathan and sitting next to her. She looks at him, looks at me, looks at him, looks at me. A lot of times she will start "talking" or even fussing at that point because mommy is paying attention to Nathan and not her! We have had to have several talks about how she is a twin and that means mommy must divide attention. :) Her favorite form of "attention" is being carried around. She just loves looking over the back of your shoulder. I think it's really interesting how much attention she seeks compared to Nathan. Nathan can play on his own forever and he never seems to notice her. She is much more aware of (and sensitive to) her surroundings. We left her and Nathan at the church nursery for the first time on Easter and ended up getting called back during the service because Kenna was crying uncontrollably (a rare event). Apparently, hearing all the other babies cry in the nursery was really stirring her up. So it seems that she is a sensitive, empathetic child already.

Kenna is a great sleeper. She's just like me in that you put her down when it's time (naps or night) and she is immediately able to conk out. Even if she doesn't seem very tired, when I put her down at the scheduled times, she's out within a few minutes and rarely cries at all (Nathan has to "wind down" just like his daddy and finds it very hard to just "go to sleep"). She sleeps soundly from 6:30 pm to 7 am and doesn't even cry when she wakes up. I go in at 7 am and there she is, happy as a clam, looking around her crib. She's a morning person just like mommy! When she sees me, she gets a giant smile, squeals and kicks like crazy! It is my favorite part of the day. It's so rewarding to see how happy she is to see me in the morning! I love that she waits so patiently.

Kenna is also a lot like me in that she is impatient and gets frustrated easily (I can't believe you can already see that in a 4 month old, but you can). When she is reaching for something and misses, she immediately fusses. I put it back in front of her and she goes back to concentrating. It's like an on/off switch!

Kenna doesn't smile as easily as Nathan does, but when it comes, it is pure gold. She is mommy's little sweetheart. :)

NATHAN

Nathan is a really good natured, happy baby...as long as he isn't hungry or tired, at which point he becomes a fuss monster! Smiles are so easy to get from him. Whenever you make eye contact, it takes less than 2 seconds of you smiling at him for him to give big smiles back. This makes picture taking loads of fun...the adorable "Nathan smiling" pictures are endless. And because he's not as aware of his surroundings as Kenna, he doesn't seem to care when the camera gets pulled out (Kenna sees the camera and gets totally distracted by it!). I can never get enough of Nathan's smiles; they just melt my heart because he always looks like such a happy little guy.

Something that I love to do with him is go in repeatedly to kiss his cheek and say "MWAH!" He expects it each time and as I get close he closes his eyes and opens his mouth really big, then has a big smile. He's started to make his own MWAH sound so I can stop making any sound and he says MWAH each time. It's so cute. :)

Like his daddy, Nathan needs to wind down before sleep time (B can never just go to bed, he always has to read or something - I can go to sleep in 30 seconds anywhere, anytime!). I usually put him the swing to make him sleepy before transferring him to bed at night. During the day he's gotten pretty good about going to sleep on his own, probably because it's right when he gets so tired, so he just conks out. It's very easy to know when he is tired because he hits a wall and goes from happy Nathan to fussy "mwah mwah mwah" Nathan in an instant. I understand, because I hit my sleep wall fast too. :) In fact, it's sort of a joke with people I know that I hit a wall at night and I'm done. I once slept through a Queensryche concert (in my seat)! lol

Nathan still LOVES food. If he is hungry, there is no distracting him with anything else. He eats full 8 ounce bottles and usually starts fussing as soon as he is done because he wants MORE! He doesn't realize he is full yet, so I have to distract him for 5 minutes or so then he is fine (he eats more than enough over the course of the day as it is). But it cracks me up that he ALWAYS must fuss after a bottle is empty. It's the only time he gets like that. My boy loves food. :) He is 15.5 pounds now and Kenna is 13.5 pounds.

*****

I will post pictures ASAP!

Pictures

2009-03-24T19:09:00.001-07:00

Weeks 14 and 15: Sailing along

2009-03-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

I am happy to report that the last couple of weeks have been blissfully uneventful. :) It's just so nice to be in a good pattern with nothing major going on.

Let's see, there have only been a couple of changes in the last 2 weeks. First, we have completed "unswaddling". I really didn't think it would ever happen because Nathan especially has very active arms and he keeps himself awake. We started off by letting them sleep during daytime naps with their arms out of the swaddle. That took about a week for them to get used to. Then we let them do it during the 7-10 time at night (we wake them at 10 for their last feeding). Although it seemed they hadn't quite mastered that and were still waking themselves up, it was close enough that one night we decided to go for it after the 10 pm feeding for the rest of their sleep. Kenna did amazing! She slept all the way through and never made a peep. She had always been waking up at 5 or 6 (rather than the "goal" of 7) and she just could never seem to sleep on through. After we unswaddled, and ever since this week, she sleeps all the way through to 7 every night and we don't hear anything from her. When she wakes up she just lies in her crib looking around until I come in (at which time I get huge smiles and coos)! The first couple of nights Nathan woke up at 4-5 am, but that is what he had been doing anyway for a couple of weeks before (he had regressed from sleeping through for some reason). I figured he was waking up early anyway, so keep unswaddling. Well, he finally got all the way through and for the last few nights has done great! He still wakes up early, cries for about 5-10 minutes, but now goes back to sleep on his own and waits for me in the morning without crying. Hooray!

Kenna is doing better with her head lifting. She has gotten it very high a few times and can hold it up for limited amounts of time. Definite progress. I'm confident that she is getting it now. She's just not as motivated to lift her head as Nathan, who now loves his tummy time and lies around for long periods with his head way up in the air.

Both babies discovered thumbs this week! They have had much fun putting their hands in their mouths. They had their hands in their mouths many times before but now you can tell it's intentional and they are really working hard at finding those fingers. I'm happy about that because neither one is good at keeping a pacifier in so it's not fun to keep replacing fallen pacifiers. We have mostly weaned them from pacifiers anyway, but I still use them when we are out and sometimes at night when we put them to bed.

That's all that's new right now. I will post some pics in a bit here. I love these babies more and more every day, even though it seems like I couldn't love them more than I already do. We just bond more all the time and I am loving being a mommy. Boy, those first three months were hard. It was harder for me than I even let on in my earlier posts. But it sure makes me appreciate our smooth sailing ship all the more now. Nathan and Kenna are the precious lights of my life!

My heart goes out to some of my online friends/fellow bloggers who have had very difficult news lately. It's made my heart so heavy for them and I think about it so much when I look at my little ones and know so many are still struggling. When you come out "victorious" from infertility you can still easily feel the pain of others going through their own battles. One friend, after several IVFs and losses, tried surrogacy for the first time recently and the surrogate did not get pregnant. Two others, after devastating past losses and many IVFs, did surrogacy for the first time recently, both surrogates got pregnant, and both just suffered miscarriages in the last couple of weeks. Another did seven IVFs, finally got pregnant with twins, went to her big ultrasound to find out the genders yesterday and found out one of the babies has a severe heart defect and will require multiple heart surgeries as a baby. My heart just pours out to all of these families. I feel like we can't possibly be this lucky so something bad must be around the corner for us too. It's just not fair that things worked out for us and these other wonderful women are still in the trenches. It really feels like you are stuck in the bottom of a well when you are going through IVFs. Yes, you can see there are several possible ways of getting out; a possible step here, a loose hanging rope over there. You know that something can probably work, but every time you try something and it doesn't work, it feels more and more hopeless. You try the rope and the whole thing comes down into the well with you because it turns out it wasn't tied at the top. So you try the step but it's too wet and you slip and fall back. With every option used you feel more and more hopeless and frustrated. Sometimes you just sit down in the dark bottom and cry. It's hard to imagine trying that other step over there since it looks wet too and will take a whole lot of energy. Meanwhile, you hear all the happy people at the top having fun and playing with their children freely. But you are stuck in the well. You keep trying because you have to. And someday you know you'll be on the other side. But those days stuck in the well, you will never, ever forget. They leave you a changed person.

Weeks 12 and 13: Lots of changes!

2009-03-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

I feel guilty combining weeks but I just didn't have time to update last week! Nathan and Kenna, if/when you read these someday, know that it's not that I didn't love you enough to update both weeks...I was spending time with you instead. :)

So let's see, what's new? Well, I feel there have been a lot of developmental and physical changes with the babies at this 3 month mark!

Nathan, in week 12, suddenly went from being strong about lifting his head when on tummy time to lifting himself consistently 90 degrees while leaning on his arms and just holding that position without struggling. It's amazing to watch! For so long I was impressed that he could just lift his head so high and then put it down, but it's like one day that week he realized he was strong enough to hold it up once it got into position, supported by his arms, and he never turned back! This skill then enabled him to roll over one morning. He rolled over from tummy to back a couple of times before he was even six weeks, but purely by accident as he never did it again. The morning he rolled over recently I was so excited because I could tell he was really trying! I put him on his tummy again and he rolled over two more times that morning! Since then he has rolled over multiple times per day. He loves it!

I know that by 3 months babies are supposed to be able to lift their heads at least 45 degrees and last week I really started getting concerned about Kenna. On tummy time she really doesn't try at all to lift her head and when she gets frustrated and does try because she wants out of the position, she really barely moves it up. I wouldn't even call it 45 degrees. So I started obsessing about this issue and putting her on her tummy a kazillion times per day. I started doing "exercises" with her that intuitively seem like they would help. I would hold her head up for her on tummy time to show her what things look like if she tries to look up, exercise that muscle by lifting and lowering her head, put her across my lap for a different view, etc. She still didn't seem to get it. Then one night I put her down one last time and she suddenly lifted way up OVER 45 degrees on her ARMS (not just the newborn head lift) and held it there! I was so excited I went dashing for the camera across the room and slipped and hurt my knee on the hard wood floor. LOL She has done it a few times since then but is not consistent yet. I'm just relieved to know she can. We'll continue working on it.

Aside from the physical aspect, something significant started happening on February 28 (end of week 12). I know it was that day because we were over at B's parents house when the babies really started vocalizing the first time. They had been making little sounds here and there before, but nothing like that morning...and they haven't turned back. I've tried really hard to talk a lot TO them because that is supposed to really help from an early age, but it just didn't occur to me that they were at a point to talk WITH them. B's mom was talking "with" them that morning, pausing to give them the opportunity to chime in, and that's when they started doing it. Now I make it a point to talk with them every day - where we establish good attention and eye contact and then have a conversation. :) I absolutely love their little sounds. Sometimes they aren't even sounds, just little "squeals" or excited kicks, but it's all communication. They are so fun!

I can't believe how much they have grown, which is something that has really struck me lately. In the past it seemed impossible to tell because I was seeing them every day. But when I look at them now they just look like SUCH bigger, older babies. I really see the changes in their faces. They both have faces that have filled out so much. Kenna has gotten especially plump lately (in a good way!!). I've been feeding them at the same time for a while now, using the two boppies, and the other day I decided to feed one at a time because I missed it. I couldn't believe how different it was to hold them while feeding now compared to a few weeks ago when I regularly did it that way! They just seemed huge! Of course I hold them every day, but I don't have the same obvious reference point with that as with feeding so it struck me. They are also moving through their clothes so fast, I can't keep up. I have clothes for the future in sorted stacks in the closet. Periodically I remember, "hey, I should check the next range of clothes in case they can wear them now" (so we don't get too far along and they've already outgrown them before I realized it). Every time I do try it they fit and I just can't believe it. Nathan is now in 3-6 month (3 month is tight) and Kenna will be very soon (she is good with 3 month exactly). It's fun to have them wear new clothes all the time, but OMG, my babies! They are getting so big so fast! I never thought I would say that a month ago when I was so overwhelmed. LOL But each time I put away another outfit that is too small I feel a little pang of sadness. In a good way, it really has made me "get it" in terms of enjoying each stage, because now I'm really experiencing how fast the stages go. I am obsessively taking pictures and need to do a better job remembering to grab video.

For those who don't know, I own my own company (started it 4 years ago) and work from home. The problem is, running it to make it worthwhile means I really need to work more than full time doing it. I don't want to work full time for now. So, I made the decision recently to put my company on "hold" for a year (it's something that requires advertising for business, so I can just keep my advertising off). That said, I value the balance of work and do want to work part time, so I've decided to work two days per week. I've been doing some minimal marketing consulting for B's business (he owns his own also) for the last couple of years because they don't have a marketing executive, needed a marketing plan and that is my background. They have hired me to be their Marketing Director and I'll be doing that with my two days per week. It's perfect for me because it's a high level job doing what I love, while working from home exactly how much I was hoping to. :) To enable this, we've hired a nanny for one day per week (on a neighbor's referral) and B's mom comes the other day. We started this last week and I'm really happy with how it's all working out!

For those of you who are still expecting, I would like to leave this 3 month post for you with this thought: Getting through the first three months is akin to getting through the first trimester. It's a totally new phase of your life with lots and lots of adjustments. It's a very emotional time filled with highs AND lows. I really feel that I have "conquered" those first three months now and emerged alive. :) I feel like I know my babies inside and out, the daily mystery and frustration of trying to figure out what is going on is gone, our schedule is like a well oiled machine, we all sleep great through the whole night, and I love these little precious children like I can't even explain. I am so grateful for every minute and I dream of all the wonderful times ahead.

I don't have time to post pics right now, but will soon!

Week 11 Pictures

2009-02-24T19:22:00.000-08:00

Week 11: Really Loving It

2009-02-24T09:22:00.000-08:00

I'll start this week with the highlights, then a little commentary:

--Both babies have crossed over that bridge of "newborns can't stay awake for more than two hours"...they both consistently make it to 2.5 hours at the times of day when they are "supposed to" for babies their age now. It's amazing how fast they have caught up on the schedule to babies their age. In the beginning they were following the schedule for their adjusted age (4 weeks early) and now they are right on track with what full term babies are supposed to be able to do! They seem to really be thriving and alert.

--We ended week 11 with all four of us in the house sick. B and I had the flu and both babies had colds. It was/is their first illness. My maternal instinct showed up in full force - it is so sad to see their little congested faces crying! Kenna seems to be much worse than Nathan. Nathan is a bit congested, but Kenna keeps sneezing and has so much stuff in her sinuses. I keep using the nasal aspirator with her but it seems there is no end to it. She has been really fussy and just wants to be held all the time. It's so sad! I just keep comforting her and am enjoying the opportunity to "rescue" her from her pains. :)

Nathan Update

Nathan continues to give us lots and lots of smiles. He is sooooo sweet. Those little smiles just melt my heart. He smiles spontaneously at things and seeing little spurts of joy in my sweetheart just makes my heart leap. When he gets really excited he opens his mouth really wide and it looks like he is going to laugh, but no audible laughs yet! He loves when I smile really big and say in a high pitched tone, "TEE TEE TEE TEE TEE!!" LOL (Yes I feel stupid writing that!) B has his own ways of eliciting Nathan's beautiful smiles, like pulling his hands together in a clapping motion. Nathan has squealed a couple of times, but not too much. He does make little sounds here and there but I don't know if it's what you call "coos". I don't know exactly what a "coo" is, but I guess I'll find out one of these days! Nathan continues to really surprise us with his strength. I'll post a picture after this where you can see him holding his head way up. He only likes tummy time for a minute or so, but while he is there he is an amazing little guy, lifting his head way up and looking around both directions. He also has a really strong grasp. Although he isn't really reaching for things intentionally, he grasps at the air a lot and loves holding on TIGHT to my fingers or hair!

One of the funniest things that Nathan does is say his own special word when he is hungry: UN-GAY. It cracks us up because it does sound a bit like HUN-GRY and is very distinctive when he says it. When you take his bottle away to wipe his mouth or something he immediately screams and tells you, "UN-GAY!!!" It's so fun to respond by saying, "oh no! Not that! You are un-gay? I better give you the bottle back!" or "I know you are un-gay, don't worry there is more food!" Both babies eat 6 ounces 5 times per day, but yesterday Nathan was screaming UN-GAY after his 6 ounces during two of the feedings so I gave him more. By the night time feeding he didn't want anymore after 3 ounces. I took the bottle out of his mouth and said, "you don't seem very UN-GAY tonight!" He got a huge smile on his face and it was so precious. He was done eating. :)

Kenna Update

Kenna may not smile as frequently as Nathan, but when she does it is pure gold. She gets some GIANT grins (I'll post some pictures after this) and it's just amazing. We had some friends coming over to see the babies for the first time this week so I dressed her up in a new dress we have for the first time. She looked like a precious little doll. I love dressing her up so much! It's the pink dress in the pictures I'm going to post. I just can't wait for summer when I can put her in dresses every day. She has the cutest expressions. She opens her eyes really wide sometimes and puckers her little lips as if she is surprised and I think it's the sweetest thing - so innocent and pretty! There are two things that make her consistently smile. The funniest one is when she sees me get the camera out! I sit her up and when she sees the camera she almost always gets a big grin! So I always have a series of pictures with the first couple of her smiling (she doesn't smile the whole time so I have to get them fast!). The other thing is the flashing, music playing star attached to her play mat. Nothing else keeps her occupied in the same way. She just loves it. When it is off and she is lying under it, she stares at it waiting for it to blink and play its songs. As soon as it does, big smiles!

Kenna is doing a great job looking all around her on both sides now. For a while, she would look to her left side 90% of the time. The doctor said it might have been how she was positioned in the womb. I had been encouraging her to look the other direction for a while, but in the last couple of weeks she has really gone to evenly looking around in all ways. When I sit her upright on my lap or against my chest, she holds her head up really well and looks to both sides with intrigue. Her face is so petite and dainty...when I see her looking around with those inquisitive eyes I just can't help but kiss her big cheeks over and over. :)

I can't really get her to lift her head while on tummy time very much yet, but she's doing well when she is lying angled against me. Hopefully she will decide she wants to lift up like Nathan soon.

Me Update

I just have to say that I have really transitioned from struggling with the day to day to honestly and truly loving it. I find so much joy now in all the little things - watching their expressions, seeing how they develop new skills, eliciting their beautiful smiles, waiting in anticipation for their next milestones to happen, feeling their fingers tightly wrapped around mine, watching their eyes close slowly at night as they fall asleep, comforting them when they are unhappy. It is such an honor and a privilege to know them. I'm just so excited about our little family and all the time we hopefully have ahead of us together.

When we were at the mall a few weeks back pushing our double stroller through, a woman came up to us and sort of stopped me by putting her hand on my shoulder. She looked at the babies and then looked at me with emotion beyond her simple words: "You are SO lucky." People make comments all the time when we are out and about, but this woman stands out to me. It wasn't a flippant comment. I could tell there was so much behind it, though I could never guess her specific story. At the time I thought, "if you only knew how much we've been through to get here!" But I am reminded lately of how much so many people go through with infertility and still don't have their desired outcomes. It's really sad that there is not necessarily a correlation between how much work you put in and what the outcome is with infertility. It really stands out to me lately HOW lucky we are, and that I should never think "if you only knew how much we've been through..." Many go through even more than we did and don't have a double (or single) stroller to push through the mall. That woman was so right. We are SO lucky.

Weeks 9 and 10 Pictures!

2009-02-17T12:02:00.000-08:00

My mom cracking Nathan up...I love this picture! Look at their two faces!

Nathan and Kenna hanging out

Nathan hanging out in his sweatsuit

One of the few times I have caught Kenna smiling on camera!

Awwwwww...

Some very excited grandparents meeting the babies for the first time...

Weeks 9 and 10 - Renewed Energy

2009-02-17T11:03:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to report that here, at the end of week 10, I am feeling much better about things. My parents came to visit for the last week from out of state and it was the first time they got to meet the babies. It was also the first time I had a prolonged break, as my parents fully took over for seven days. OMG, what a difference that made.

I realize now that things were feeling harder and harder for me and I was at a point that I was desperately overwhelmed and exasperated. I had no patience left and was so bogged down in the day to day of baby care that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I was *trying* to enjoy this fleeting time, but I wasn't having much success raising my head above water day to day. I'm so grateful for all the comments on my last post. They helped me remember that this happens to a lot of people and that I'm not alone, no matter how overwhelming it all seems.

Having a break this week was soooooo amazing. I was, of course, still in the house, so I was still "with" the babies, but I only fed them once a day and my parents did all the other feedings and naps. I would come downstairs periodically from getting things done and just pop by to admire my precious little babies. Oooohhh how adorable they were when someone else was managing all the details! I noted Nathan's sweet baby smell, the strength of his little grasp, his impressive concentration, his precious little cheeks. I noted Kenna's beautiful eyes, her amazing little grin, her petite features, her dainty mannerisms. Each time I came by to see them I was taken by their beauty, by the miracle that they are here with us. I just wanted to hold them, love them, cherish them. It's not that I wasn't in love with them before, it's just that I didn't have time to think about it. My parents left yesterday and I have a renewed energy that I hope will last for a while. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to regain the bigger perspective for a bit.

I've also been thinking about what an amazing gift J gave us. When someone can be credited for bringing lives into the world that otherwise would not have existed, they can truly be credited with changing the world. It's not just about our lives - if Nathan and Kenna are blessed to live full, healthy lives, they will have the opportunity to change other people's lives themselves, have children of their own, and change the world in their own way. It's a perpetual gift. I'm blown away by the magnitude of what J and other surrogates do to change people's lives. It is so grand a gift that honestly, sometimes it feels like a burden; I feel indebted in an insurmountable way. I wish more than anything there was something that would be an adequate way of saying thank you, or a gift in kind. There is nothing like that. I am reminded of that fact all the time. Standing "back" and looking at Nathan and Kenna from a slight distance this week, I'm just struck by how J changed our lives in ways that can never, ever be repaid. We have absolutely beautiful, precious, amazing, gifts from God...and J...in our lives.

***

As far as baby news, here's what has been going on:

--I have stashed all the newborn size clothes and both babies are wearing 3 months!

--About a week ago the babies had their 2 month checkup and vaccinations. Nathan weighed 11 lbs 5 oz and Kenna weighed 10 lbs 3 oz! They are both almost exactly at the 50th percentile for height and weight (for full term babies at this point)! Kenna's head is in the 30th percentile - she has a very petite and dainty face. :) Neither baby had any reaction at all to the vaccines (other than screaming during the actual shots).

--Kenna's time finally came to start smiling regularly. This week, coinciding with grandma and grandpa's first visit, brought smile after smile. Both she and Nathan loved my parents. Nathan was just one big smile all week. Kenna still doesn't smile as much as Nathan, but this was really her first week of consistent smiles and it was so sweet. Both babies usually greet me with a smile first thing in the morning.

--Both babies track objects really well with their eyes - they will follow 180 degrees both ways.

--Our last feeding is at 10 pm (still on the same schedule) and we have been letting the babies wake up naturally after that, then putting them in the swing for the rest of the night until 7 am. They have been waking up later and later, which is the goal (we don't want to have to do any swing time!), and last night made it to 5:30. We've decided to train them out of the swings now and started letting them "cry it out" as of this morning. They pretty much cried from 5:30 to 6:30 then slept until 7. Not bad - the books say they usually cry at least 2 hours the first time you do that! I'm also working on putting them down for naps without the swing first.

--Nathan lifts his head really well off the ground, though he doesn't like tummy time very much. Kenna doesn't show much interest in lifting off the ground. Her neck is pretty strong if you sit her upright, so hopefully she'll get more interested in tummy time soon.

That's all for now!

Week 8 - We're all adjusting

2009-02-05T12:41:00.001-08:00

I'm behind again but trying desperately to keep up with my weekly update! I don't want to get too behind, because I will use these posts to fill in the baby books and keep the babies' history! It's so awesome that there are still so many great readers who care about our little family even after the surrogacy is over. I would blog each week even if no one else cared, since this is really for the babies someday, but the fact that so many visitors come to the site still is just a cherry on top! :) Thanks so much to all of you for continuing to check in on us.

I'll update on a few key things, then I'll explain the blog title.

The schedule!

Drum roll please. Ahem. 2 nights in a row. NO MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FEEDING!!!!! (Picture me doing backflips of joy!) That's right, two nights in a row the babies have gone from 10p - 7a with NO feeding! Now, that doesn't mean they didn't wake up. They still wake up about 3a, but I decided two nights ago to try what one of the sleep books says - attempt to soothe back to sleep rather than feed so you can see if they are waking due to habit/inability to stay asleep for long periods vs. needing to eat. So, I moved them to the swings when they woke up and they both have gone back to sleep until the morning wake up time!

I credit this entirely to the beauty of the schedule, which continues to do wonders in our household. It's just about like clockwork at this point. One interesting thing is that when we started I had to use the 2-4 week old schedule, which I assumed was because they were premature. But in the last few days they have suddenly jumped way ahead and are almost hitting the eight week old schedule! They stay along for longer and take shorter naps.

We do have a couple of sleep problems. Kenna has a lot of trouble getting back to sleep during the day when she comes out of REM time (baby cycles are 45 minutes). She fully wakes up, especially during the morning nap, and just cannot go back to sleep on her own. On various occasions I've left her to cry for a long time and it just doesn't work yet for her. The other "problem" is that a couple of weeks ago I gave up on putting them down awake always like you are supposed to do (so they learn to go to sleep on their own). The problem was, I would leave them to cry until they slept, but they would cry so long that they didn't fall asleep, then they would be totally off in terms of learning the schedule. You can't fight both battles at once. So, I decided learning the schedule was most important first, and started putting them to sleep in my arms or in the swing then moving to the crib. I *HATE* myself for doing this because I swore from the beginning I wasn't going to allow them to become dependent on "outside" help for sleeping, but it just had to be done. Aside from schedule reasons, the crying was making me insane. Now that they are on such a great schedule, I plan to try again soon. My parents will be here next week and I don't want excessive crying to drive them crazy, so I'll wait until the week after. Right now, I don't mind having to put them to sleep in the middle of the night in the swing because it's helping them to learn to sleep through without eating. The next step will be to not put them in the swing but we'll wait for a bit on that.

Smiles!

We ARE getting smiles - not tons of smiles, but smiles. Some smiles are better than no smiles, right? Nathan usually smiles a handful of times during the day. Kenna smiles are unpredictable and far between. B said she was smiling like crazy at him last night during the 10p feed like he had never seen her do before. So, that made me feel better because at least we know she's getting there (I was getting worried). Nathan always smiles repeatedly during morning story time - it's his favorite (I read to them on boppies and take turns showing pages). Outside of that, he sometimes smiles later in the day, but morning gets the most. And I can't find anything besides story time that makes him beam consistently!

Current Challenges

I would say the biggest challenge for me right now is finding activities to fill up the time with. As they are awake longer and longer during the day, it's tough to find things to keep them entertained. I think they get bored (I certainly do!) and therefore they have been fussing more, especially in the afternoons. Not all out screaming like it used to be, just low grade "annoyance" (which results in my own low grade annoyance lol). It's really hard because they need more and more attention from me to keep them happy, but it's next to impossible to make them happy at the same time. I feel like while I'm keeping one happy the other is always crying, making it a less than pleasant experience. I would really like to have more one on one time with each of them and need to find ways to make that happen (with B staying with one on the weekend and me taking one or something).

I think this is just a tough stage to find things to occupy with since they don't sit up, they don't grab/hold, they don't "play". I spend all together too much time thinking about how I can't wait for them to be older - I'm so excited to PLAY with them! I get so excited thinking about their first holidays when they are older - Easter egg hunts, fourth of July pool time, Halloweens, etc. I think I have the mentality that I'm just biding time right now, trying to get through this phase that is necessary to get to the stuff I've always looked forward to. Then I feel guilty for not being able to keep myself more present and enjoying THESE moments. So, I'm trying. I really am.

We're all adjusting

I would say the theme of week 8 (and really week 9) has been that we're all adjusting (or trying to). The babies are adjusting to the world by getting on a good schedule, crying less, becoming more social, and coming into their own personalities more and more. We are adjusting by learning more and more about them and how to care for them. We are still adjusting to the new lifestyle. I sometimes forget that we can't just go out to eat anymore, we can't just go snowboarding, we can't just watch a movie without interruptions (scratch that, we can't even watch The Office without interruptions). I really, really miss having personal time. There are so many things I like to do and I haven't had time for any of them. It's a big, big change. Some days I feel like I'm doing really well, starting to get used to the new life dynamics, other days I feel really freaked out at the lack of personal freedom. It's not like I didn't *know* that this is what happens when you have kids. And it's not like this changes *anything* about wanting and loving them. It's just that it is a necessary transition for all new parents, and it probably is harder for some than others, depending on your personality and life before kids. I'm an only child, so I have always been very independent. It's weird to have two people depend on me for everything. In one of my blog posts about fears before they were born, I remember saying that I was scared I would feel like a person on one of those little gerbil running mills. Well, I do! BUT I wouldn't trade it for the world. When I think back to all the IVFs and depression and fear of never having these babies, it's almost unbearable to think of what it would be like if N & K didn't ever make it here. What if we never got to meet them? What if we only got to meet one of them? It's a horrible thought. We treasure these two little beings, even if is taking some time for us to adjust to everything having them means in our day to day lives.

Week 7 pictures

2009-01-28T15:54:00.001-08:00

(Update post below this)

Hangin' out on our playmat:

Nathan cracking a smile:

Just an all around cute picture:

My all time favorite picture of Kenna:

Nathan, passed out after a big bottle (not sure how to turn the pic, turn your head!)

Week 7: The quest for the perfect schedule

2009-01-28T12:08:00.000-08:00

I'm a little behind, but the babies turned 7 weeks old Monday and I'm trying to keep up with a weekly update. I feel bad that I haven't been able to keep up with other blogs in a couple of weeks and miss reading everyone else's updates! I'm hoping to be able to catch up soon. :)

Well, the answer to the question of whether week 6 was the peak or not: I'm not sure yet! It seemed a little like a plateau, though it didn't seem as hard. Perhaps that is because we have found...(drum roll)...the PERFECT SCHEDULE!

I have basically been searching for the perfect schedule since they were born. Why? I have many reasons for wanting an optimal schedule as opposed to "going with the flow" but it comes down to this: I believe it is best for both the babies and us. Everyone has their own philosophy on it, so there isn't any use in going into mine here; suffice it to say that that's the direction we're taking.

Since birth I had been focused on an every three hour schedule. We tried 6/9/12/3, 7/10/1/4, every combination possible. The problem was that a lot of times they were in a deep sleep when I had to wake them to feed and I felt like they would benefit from sleeping their natural course. I knew they would sleep longer periods if I let them, but I didn't know when/what times of day would be best for that so as to not ruin their night sleep, throw off their feeding metabolism, etc. It seemed like an insurmountable task to figure out what schedule out of the millions possible would be the one that would give us a good routine to follow and follow their natural patterns more (e.g., if it is natural for them to sleep longer at lunch time, let them go further then, but not at specified other times). To be honest, this has been frustrating me to no end - the search for the perfect schedule. The schedule that makes us happy and makes the babies happy. The schedule that means less crying because they are well rested at the right times and well fed at the right times. The schedule that means longer night sleeps sooner rather than later. The schedule that allows us to have adult lives too.

And then came the book. What's that you say? I already have a trillion baby books? I already have read them too much? Ah, but I didn't have THIS one. An online friend read a posting of mine a while back about schedules and sent me the book she said was the only one that worked for her. It's a best selling book in Britain and I don't know why it didn't make it here, but I'm so grateful that she sent it to me. It's called "A Contented House With Twins". It is a very strict schedule, which is what I was looking for, but it's based on the author's observation of thousands of babies and their natural rhythms - basically a schedule designed based on what babies tend to naturally, but they get molded into it more precisely this way for your sanity (if you are someone who needs predictability).

Every two weeks the schedule shifts slightly based on changing needs for less sleep, less feedings, etc. I started the first day trying it out for 6-8 week old babies (since that is their age) but quickly found that ours need much more sleep than that. In fact, the schedule we eventually settled on is for 2-4 week old babies; this would make sense based on their due date rather than birth. It was the first time I really started to see that babies born a month early don't develop at the same rate as if born on their due date. They really do have the sleep/wake patterns of much younger babies. They do, however, eat like babies bigger than their age!

So after several days of the new schedule I have found it to be brilliant. They are almost doing it perfectly, except that Kenna often struggles to stay asleep as long as she should. I would think that means she is ready for the next step up in the schedule, but she still falls asleep right on time or earlier, so she is not able to stay awake long enough to try the other one.

Here's what we are doing:

6:45 am - Wake up and eat! (I feed them at the same time now)
Play until 8:15 am - Nap
9:45 am - Wake up and eat!
Play until 11:15 am - Lunch nap (the long one)
1:45 pm - Wake up and eat!
Play until 3:30 pm - Afternoon nap
4:45 pm - Wake up and eat!
5:45 pm - Still awake, eat again to stuff them with more calories while getting close to bed time!
6:45 pm - Bed for the night
10 pm - Wake up and eat, but do it very peacefully and with no alert time after
After 10, wake up naturally (usually happens between 2 and 3 - yes, with the brilliant new schedule the babies naturally sleep 4-5 hours in this stretch, which they never did before! We don't unswaddle them, turn on the lights or change the diaper unless there is poo, which hasn't happened. No stimulation at all - no eye contact, no talking. They go immediately to sleep afterward. It's amazing.)
6:45 am - Wake up! (several times they have slept from the last feeding to the next morning, but sometimes they wake up a bit early and I have to try soothing them back to sleep)

There are a couple of things that have been life changing about this:

1) 6:45 pm bed time. OMG, this is worth everything in the world. I know eventually babies should be working toward sleeping 7p - 7a in a few months, so it makes sense that the author is recommending getting them used to that pattern now. It's an absolute sanity saver for me because after a long day of baby care, I know I can look forward to a bit of a break between 7 and 9 (when I go to bed). I can make dinner, read a book, watch TV, whatever. This gives me SUCH a better attitude during the day because it no longer feels like the unending and exhausting baby treadmill. It gives me and B a chance to have a quiet dinner together at night too. Remember in my last post the 6-9 pm crazies? Doesn't happen anymore. I think before they slept so much during the day that by night they were wide awake and yet grumpy because their natural disposition is to go to bed then. They sleep wonderfully from 6:45 to 10 (the next feeding).

2) As I mentioned, they are sleeping 4-5 hours now in a stretch at night.

3) We cut down to 7 feedings no problem. When I tried the standard methods of equally stretching out feedings across the day, it just didn't work. But with this schedule, you know the appropriate times to stretch them out (when they naturally sleep) so they are not even caring about the extra feeding. It's fabulous.

4) I'm mostly feeding them at the same time. The book doesn't necessarily tell you to do this, but I started to do it. I fought it because I felt like I wasn't going to have that critical bonding time during feeding, but with two, it's really just not practical. I do it with some feedings still, just not all. I don't feel like we have lost bonding time; we just have more time to play because there is less time spent with the bottle in hand!

It's funny because when I look at the schedule, it doesn't look too wildly different from what we were doing - still roughly every three hours; but the small differences make ALL the difference in the world (the long lunch stretch, the cluster feed at night, the 6:45 bed time, the 6:45 wake up time).

Don't get me wrong - we have not "perfected" it, but it's going very well. Kenna has not been able to stay asleep during her naps for the last 2 days and I'm not sure what is wrong. She is just very fussy suddenly. I'm hoping it's just a bad couple of days.

That was the bulk of week 7! A few other notes:

--We took Nathan to the doctor for possible reflux because he sometimes seems to have pain while eating. It's usually in the afternoon, though, and he never spits up, which makes the diagnosis questionable (sounds a little more behavioral). We are giving him an anti-acid and it has seemed some better, but he still does it once in a while. Still trying to figure this one out.

--Nathan is smiling at least once a day! Yesterday I got the most gorgeous little smile from him. I had them propped up in boppies for morning story time. I take turns showing them the pages and Nathan follows very closely for a baby his age. One of the times when I turned the page and showed him he just suddenly beamed with delight and looked over at me. OMG I was the happiest ever. :) It immediately brought tears to my eyes because it was so sweet. He does little smiles here and there but that one was the biggest. Today he was in the swing and starting to wake up so I brought Kenna over and I grabbed his hand and said "Kenna and I are here to see you!" He opened his eyes, looked over at the two of us, and got a giant smile. SO PRECIOUS! MORE OF THIS, PLEASE, AND LESS CRYING! :)

--Target offers a generic form of Enfamil Gentlease for $10 less per can (huge savings compared to $25). Everything on the back is identical to the name brand. I looked online and lots of people have asked about it and everyone seemed to find it worked just fine as a substitute. So yesterday we started trying it and it's not going to work out. :( Lots of gas, which equals lots of crankiness.

I will post some new pics separately. Can you believe they will be 8 weeks already on Monday??

Week 6 Picture

2009-01-19T10:31:00.000-08:00

My week in review post is below, but I wanted to add a picture. :)

Week 6: Was it the "peak?"

2009-01-18T14:48:00.000-08:00

About a month before we had the twins I had posted on a twin mom message board a question about the first couple of weeks after birth and what it would be like having two babies for the first time. My assumption was that things would be crazy for a first time mom and I wanted to get an idea of what to expect. I'm not someone who likes to be surprised. :) I received many responses and a good number of them echoed the same thing: the first couple of weeks were actually not bad, it is the few weeks after that which get crazy. All my reference books say similar things, that babies tend to get fussier and fussier, with the "peak" usually around the six week mark.

Well, you can see where that preamble is going. In the beginning I was honestly thinking, "I can't believe people make such a big deal about having kids. We have TWO and it's really not all that crazy." About the third week I started thinking, "Well, if we only had one it definitely wouldn't be very hard, but with TWO, things sure are a bit hard sometimes." The fourth week was actually not too bad and I thought, "We're already through the worst!" Then week five came along and, well, we all know how week 5 ended (see last blog post; memory jogger - red wine on carpet and screaming babies after very long week of much crying and first week as full time mom without daddy to help).

And then there was week six. Oh week six. How you were even more difficult than week five! There were no dramatic events like in week five, but overall it was more difficult. The babies were definitely fussier in general, but I think it was more me who was having a difficult time than them.

When you go through a lot to have kids, most people assume you must just float on cloud nine every day forever more once they arrive. My blog has always been about honesty, so here it is: having babies is just as challenging and frustrating when you had to go through six IVFs and surrogacy to have them. :)

I figure that week 6, the supposed peak of craziness, is an ideal time to share the frustrations that come with newborns whether you had to stand on your head for 10 years to get them or got pregnant the first try. I hope that for those of you who are expecting via your surrogate, this post will be in the back of your mind after your little one's/ones' arrival so you don't feel guilty for having challenging times like everyone else! This post is not to complain - I will never lose sight of what a blessing this all is - but rather to address the every day realities that are part of being a new mom. And I can write this without feeling guilty since 1) I've read many other posts of this nature and know that this is totally normal and 2) the first thing that strangers say to you after you tell them how old your babies are is, "oh wow, well, it gets better". I think everyone knows that this is not the most fun time you will have with your children!

On this tour of what has made me slightly insane this week (or maybe cumulatively), we will have 4 stops:

1) The non-stop need to feed
2) Crying without reason
3) Crying with an intensity that doesn't match the need
4) The one-way relationship

The non-stop need to feed

Every three hours. Half an hour each baby. Eight hours per day I have a bottle in my hand. Sitting. Feeding. Burping. Feeding. Changing positions. Feeding. A full one third of my life is doing this right now. It truly gets mind numbing after a while. I keep thinking there is no way they still need to eat this often so I start to stretch it out once in a while to 3.5 hours to see how that would go with 7 feedings rather than 8. By night they are super hungry and cry, cry, cry because they just don't have big enough stomachs yet to take in more during the rest of the day. So, back to every 3 hours. I've also tried to get them to take more per feeding but they have really plateaued at about 3.5 ounces for Kenna and 4/4.5 ounces for Nathan. Most books recommend moving to a 4 hour schedule at 6 weeks but I know we're not quite there. I'm absolutely dying for it. The one day I stretched to 3.5 hours during the day was like heaven. It made such a difference! They can do one 4 hour stretch at night without feeding but we're not making waves of progress there either (toward the 5 or 6 hour stretches theoretically possible). They just have to eat every 3 hours and there's no getting around it. I desperately want to have more time to play with them, read books, sing, listen to music with them, etc. But it's really hard to have that when you are constantly sitting around with a bottle.

(Incidentally, the one thing we have had major and critical success with is getting them to know the difference between night and day - it's been a couple of weeks since we've had any issue getting them to go straight to sleep after the midnight and 3 am feedings. Even though they don't sleep all the way through without eating, they pretty much eat in their sleep and go right back to dreamland. This is AWESOME because night times really aren't a big deal for us.)

Crying without reason

In our house, we've developed the 6-9pm nightly crazies. Every night between this time both babies are extremely fussy. I don't know why, but I have read it's common to have more fussiness late afternoon/early evening (especially around 6 weeks) and boy do we have it. Especially with Nathan, but some with Kenna too. They won't go to sleep during that cycle usually and just cry no matter what you do. Cry, cry, cry. I find it VERY VERY VERY hard to be sympathetic during this time because there is NO reason for them to be fussing! They aren't hungry, they aren't wet, they don't want to play, they don't want to sleep, they are JUST FUSSY! I just want to explain to them, "I feed you every three hours all you want to eat. I change your diaper so you are always clean. I bathe you regularly. I read to you. I tell you stories. I tell you all about the things around you. I hold you. I cuddle you. I dance with you. I love you. You scream for 3 hours every night. WHY?! WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN?!!" I can't STAND things that don't make logical, objective sense, and this is the epitome of that. There are other times periodically when it happens and when it does it just makes me nuts. Crying when there is an obvious "need" (food, diaper, sleep, play time, scenery change, etc.) really doesn't bother me at all. They cry, you fill the need, done. I can handle that crying. But inconsolable, "I'm crying just because" crying is something I just can't fathom dealing with every night for the foreseable future.

Crying with an intensity that doesn't match the need

There have been times when I thought Nathan was being tortured by a thousand little people in his crib given the intensity of the sudden crying. I jump up and run in and see that no, it's not torture, there's no pain, there's nothing crazy going on, he just wants the pacifier that fell out. I guess this falls under the same category as above - things that just don't make objective sense. Why do babies have to SCREAM when they just want a pacifier, or they are ready to eat, etc.?

The one-way relationship

If you have read my blog for a while, you might remember a post where I gave the analogy of picturing myself with older kids when I thought of us having a family ("butterflies") and never with babies ("caterpillars"). I was saying that I couldn't even picture what having caterpillars would be like because they were such different creatures than the butterflies I always dreamed of us having. When I pictured having kids, I pictured them learning to snowboard, building sand castles at the beach, going to gymnastics classes, summer Saturdays at the pool and quiet nights reading stories together. Maybe because I've never been around babies, maybe because I'm just not a baby person by nature, I never, ever pictured us with babies.

I still don't.

But at least now I realize WHY the concept of B and I taking care of babies seemed (in the past) and seems (currently) foreign: Neither of us is the nurturing type. We are extreme type A, analytical, right brain people. When this is your personality type (and we are both far on that side of the spectrum), you aren't a care taker by nature, and now more than ever I realize that's what this stage of having kids is ALL about. It's truly a ONE way relationship:

Baby needs to eat. Baby cries. You feed baby.
Baby pooped. Baby cries. You change baby.
Baby is bored. Baby cries. You move baby.
You talk to baby lovingly. Baby doesn't seem to care and stares at you blankly.
You smile at baby. Baby doesn't smile at you.
You get to know baby more and more all the time. Baby couldn't care less about you as long as baby's needs are met.
You love baby. Baby doesn't even seem to recognize you.

I guess that I expected all of this in the first couple of weeks, so it didn't really cross my mind as something that bothered me initially. But I would have thought that the last four things on the list - the more emotional two-way aspects - would develop more quickly. It's not something I ever consciously considered, but I guess I just thought they would be reciprocating on the emotional aspects much sooner. (Yes, I know that I will be doing the first three things on the list for much longer.) It feels like with all the work involved in the first three things, you would get more back on the last four. :) When there are no smiles back, no looks of happiness or recognition, only the states of default silence or upset crying, it makes it feel more like work and less like a loving relationship between baby and mommy. What about all those pictures of infants smiling at their mommies and mommy lovingly gazing back at baby? When does that happen? Trust me, I've been scouring my books to find out!

I know not everyone gets crazy about this kind of thing when having a baby because some people are more nurturing by nature and don't think twice about the one way relationship...they just enjoy caring for babies. My mom is a nurturer by nature - she loves taking care of others and providing comfort and it just comes naturally to her (incidentally, however, she has told me that the baby time period drove her crazy!). And of course I know that the ongoing role of a parent is to take care of their children...and I WANT to do that! I look forward to doing that for many years to come! But I also really look forward to feeling like there is a MUTUAL love and adoration that comes with it. Those first true smiles just couldn't arrive fast enough over here. :) (There have been smiles while falling asleep, and a couple of questionable responsive smiles from Nathan, but nothing that would be characterized as the beginning of true smiling.)

I've come to the conclusion that having babies does not necessarily make you into a "baby person" - someone who enjoys taking care of babies for the sake of taking care of babies. That is just a personality type and is not something that naturally comes to everyone. I adore Nathan and Kenna and I just long for them to get a little older. :) I'm trying REALLY hard to enjoy these days because everyone says they go by so fast. It's just not easy!

The upside

We made it to church with Nathan and Kenna for the first time on Sunday morning! The greeter went crazy over them and was calling others over to "look at the twins". She just loved seeing them and told us that they made her morning. (The few times we have been out with them people stop us everywhere to look at twins - I'll admit, the attention is fun!)

We went to the new parents room, where you can watch on the monitor and there were about 8 other couples in there. It was nice to be around others with babies. There was a woman changing a baby in the little changing area and the baby was screaming bloody murder. It actually made me really happy to see that it's not something I'm doing wrong, it's not something wrong with my kids, it's just that all babies are crazy little creatures without a perspective on the world yet and spend a lot of time crying. I had an inner sigh of relief with that reminder. I never thought only my kids cry, but the reminder in seeing it elsewhere was sooooo helpful. It felt good to go to church too with them, and return to our normal lives. We then went to lunch afterward. It went great - a very good morning.

I've started to understand what I've read about finding things you enjoy doing WITH the baby rather than TO the baby. Doing things constantly TO the baby is extremely tiring. But when you make the baby part of things you like to do too it is much more pleasant. B installed an internet radio system in the living room, where I am all day. I discovered an 80s music channel - I LOVE 80s music SOOOO much! I started playing it in the afternoon cycle and it put me in so much of a better mood. I suddenly started feeling way better. I picked up each baby (one at a time) and danced for a song around the room with them (they seemed to both really like it!). Yes, you can just see me dancing to "Come on Eileen" with Kenna - that's what we were doing. I found so much joy in that. I had fun. For the first time I felt like I was doing something WITH the babies rather than TO them. After a very looooong couple of weeks, it was really great. It will now be part of our afternoon routine. I will call it "80s with babies" time. :)

Stay tuned for the week 7 update...was week six the peak? Or will week seven defy the rules? :)

Pictures and video

2009-01-12T16:15:00.001-08:00

As promised in my last update, here are some pics and a video! Oh, and I know it looks like they are different sizes in the one pic I posted in the last entry but it's just the way the picture was taken. They are the same size. :)

Here is a video from when I propped Kenna up on Nathan's shoulder:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUXf_VLNSzw

Here are some pics of Nathan:

Here are some pics of Kenna:

And some of them together:

Week 5 in Review

2009-01-11T13:31:00.000-08:00

Since it seems that having two newborns around takes up 99% of your time, my new goal is to update the blog once per week to review the last week. Since we are coming up on 5 weeks tomorrow, it's time for an update! It's funny to look at my last post and see how much has changed just in a week.

I'll give this post the theme of "good, bad and ugly" and categorize the updates that way:

THE GOOD

--Nathan, Nathan, Nathan! In the past week we have gotten him settled into Enfamil Gentelease and he is doing GREAT with it! I'm so relieved that he is no longer having such terrible gas pains. It was hard to watch him deal with it, and it was hard for us to deal with the long crying bouts. He is back to a "regular" baby now.

--Both babies have really come into their own with personalities. Nathan cracks me up because he just grunts, grunts, grunts when he is ready for food and is SO excited about it. He gets this concentrated look on his face and shakes his head back and forth in search of the bottle. He loves sleeping and eating and is awake far less than Kenna. When he is awake, he is very rested and alert and just looks around in wonder at everything. It's so cute. Kenna has gotten herself into the goal pattern of eat-activity-sleep naturally; she wakes up for just about every feeding and spends some time awake (sometimes extended periods) before going back to sleep. It's a lot of fun because I get to "play" with her more than Nathan since he sleeps so much. She is very intrigued by my face and spends a lot of her time searching it. Nathan seems much less interested and doesn't hold eye contact in the same way she does at all. I read that that is common for boys vs. girls at this age and it's definitely true for them. Nathan is basically happy as a clam when his basic needs are met; Kenna seems to be more interested in the world and people. She is more sensitive than he is and startles easily. Everything she does is just daintier. :) It's really neat to see they really are two little individuals.

--Nathan is VERY strong. On his fourth day of life (being a month early) he was able to lift his head and turn it over. Now, at a month old, he can lift his head all the way up when on his tummy, hold it for a bit, and yesterday he TURNED OVER! LOL I couldn't believe it. Of course at this age it isn't something they can replicate intentionally but it was pretty impressive nonetheless! Kenna rarely tries to lift her head on tummy time, but when she does it doesn't go very far. I've noticed it's getting a little stronger but she is nowhere near him in this area - by desire or ability.

--Less poopy diapers. Need I say more? It used to be a poopy diaper with every change, now it's like twice a day. One of my books says that happens around a month, and it was like clockwork - both of them started the two per day poopies the exact same day. Awesome.

--The routine. Every three hours is working so great at this point I couldn't be happier about it. At night we let them wake up naturally after the 11 pm feed so we can slowly get them toward sleeping a 6 hour stretch (basically skipping one feed - 2am) and multiple nights they have slept 4+ hours already. It is hard after that to get them back onto schedule to start the day again at 8, that's the only hard part. For example, they pretty regularly go from 11 to 3 am (one hour longer than schedule). Then they go back to sleep and fairly regularly will go until 7. Then there is the delimma - do you try to occupy them until 8 for the sake of the schedule or do you go to 7:30 to get them closer, or do you feed right then and try to go 4 more hours until 11 to get onto schedule then? If they wake up at 6, I definitely feed them and then feed again at 8 since it's long enough for them to be hungry. But 7 is a killer. Last night they went to 3:30 (inching closer!) and then again until 8. HOORAY! I had lost hope last week when I posted, saying that everyone says you can't train them at this age, but I kept trying this week anyway and I have to say it's been working quite well. I don't expect the same fast success as if they were 3 months old, but I'm impressed with where we have gotten. :)

--General cuteness. LOL Isn't that a good thing? They are just soooo cute. We went for their first photo shoot yesterday and the pictures are incredibly precious. We got one of them naked, stacked on top of each other, that is just amazing! They both peed as soon as the diapers were off, but it was well worth it. :) I can't wait to post the pics when they are ready (5-10 business days). I'm still taking hundreds of my own and some videos too. I can't stop myself. I will do a separate post with pictures and video!

--Breaks, thanks to B's parents. No matter how much you love your kids, no matter how cute they are, no matter how much chaos you went through to have them...you need a break. B's parents babysat last Saturday and this Saturday and it was such a treat to get out on a date. We used to go out to eat a lot, which I really miss right now. It's nice to go out to eat, see a movie, etc. It really does feel like the proverbial gerbil mill most of the time with the 3 hour feeding routine, so breaks are very welcome!

THE BAD

--This isn't really "bad", but Kenna has definitely found her voice this week. She is awake much more (after almost every feeding) and no longer goes to sleep easily on her own like she was before. She requires much more soothing. Nathan actually goes to sleep much more easily now! He cries for a short time then falls asleep without me now usually (who says babies can't learn that at this age?!). She is a bit more iffy. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

--I miss time with B. Remember, we were happily married 9 years before having kids, so we are very used to our quality time together. Now we are on a mutual train schedule and often pass like trains in the night (literally when we are changing shifts). There is very little time together now. That's why I was so grateful that B's parents were able to come two weeks in a row like that so we could get out. Our two dates have been soooo nice. I'm really lucky that I am married to my best friend in the world, but that leads to me missing our quality time together. I know it's going to be awesome when we have quality family time when Nathan and Kenna get a little older and things are less chaotic.

--I'm having some guilt that I didn't induce lactation. I still have no desire to breastfeed, but like I mentioned before, I would have given induction more consideration if I knew you could just pump exclusively. J is not going to be pumping any longer because it was more difficult/time consuming than she expected and is ready to move on, understandably. I'm really glad they had about 5 weeks of breastmilk, but keep thinking it could have been more if I had induced lactation. I guess it's hard to beat myself up for something I didn't know about, but I am annoyed at myself for being so opposed to the actual act of breastfeeding that I didn't explore alternatives more to find out of the pumping possibilities. (I'm not opposed to the act of breastfeeding for anyone else, it's just not something I would have ever felt comfortable doing myself.)

THE UGLY

Yes, there is one ugly. One big ugly. It was Friday. The whole day of Friday. It was a mini-disaster and led to my first mommy meltdown. I was completely sobbing by the end of the day.

I decided to take the babies out by myself in the morning for the first time. We went to Babies R Us to get some needed items and a couple of baby shower gifts for friends. The babies were sleeping and I didn't have a watch on and got carried away with the time. I didn't realize that by the time I headed for the check out line, we were half an hour over feeding time. Kenna started screaming. And screaming. And screaming. The pacifier didn't work. I was so embarrassed while in line. Fortunately, pretty much everyone in line behind me had already stopped to talk to me about the twins at some place in the store so they didn't seem to mind at all. (I couldn't believe that two babies would be such a novelty at a baby store, but it was all I could do to get through the store without people wanting to ask about them! I enjoyed it at first but it started stressing me out time wise after a bit.) By the time we got home they were both screaming in hunger. So I had to feed them at the same time. This is deadly because it is hard to do and once you do it, they will want to eat at the same time at every other feeding (normally they stagger half an hour apart). The rest of the day we were off schedule, they were fussy because of it, and they kept needing to feed at the same time (which I do on boppy pillows when necessary).

Now, I should say that this was my first week as a full time mom with B back at work. I was quite fried regardless of the schedule issues Friday so combined, I was really on edge. B is almost always at home because he works here, but he was gone late Friday afternoon/early evening. I was just watching the clock waiting for him because I was lonely, fried, stressed, and on huge edge after dealing with crying babies all day. I decided to relax with a nice glass of red wine. That should help, right? (hold on to that thought for a minute)

As I'm feeding Nathan soon after, our house alarm gets set off. I guess it's hard to explain, but suffice it to say that I have been CRAZY paranoid my whole life of someone breaking in my house while I'm home. I slept on my parent's bedroom floor until I was 12 because I was so scared (I have no idea where this fear comes from). So I always have the alarm on when I'm at home. Our alarm has indiscriminately gone off before when we were home and it is terrifying. Our censors just come lose sometimes. But B has always been home before and can calm me down (I'm usually shaking it is so unrattling). This time: No B, just me and two babies. I completely freaked. I jumped up with Nathan in my arms and ran down to the alarm pad to see what zone was open, not fully convinced this wasn't going to be the night I have always feared when some person is standing in my house. I see it is the zone where I was sitting, so I knew it wasn't a break in (logically I knew, but emotionally I was a total mess at this point). I turned it off and paced back and forth looking around the house to make sure. I get back to the living room where I was and see that in my franticness to turn off the alarm I had knocked over my red wine all over our beige carpet and B's computer (fortunately it was closed). There I stood: frazzled from the off schedule of the day and incessant dual baby crying that had resulted, extra frazzled that it fell at the end of my first full time week with the kids alone, trippled frazzled that the alarm went off (which was playing with my head), two screaming babies due to the scary alarm, and red wine all over my nice carpet. As if it couldn't get worse, not 5 minutes later someone rang the doorbell...I HATE when people come to the door at night that I am not expecting. I left both babies screaming and ran to the door to see if it was someone who set off the alarm. I see a man I've never seen before standing looking at my door and talking to himself. We live in a very nice, safe neighborhood, so this is really out of the ordinary. I started crying at that point and was incredibly stressed out. When B got home about 10 minutes later I just turned hysterical. I was reduced to sobbing tears and shut myself in the bedroom.

That was ugly. :)

So that is week 5. I will probably post again before week 6 because I have a post in mind I need to "get out" about my career questions at this point. For now, I will leave you with this picture, which I just love (there is a video to go with it that I will post separately):

Today is the babies' due date

2009-01-03T06:44:00.001-08:00

It's hard to believe that today is the babies' actual due date...and they will be a month old tomorrow! Oh, how much we have learned about them this month. I can summarize it pretty well with a baby quiz. Hint: there is a pattern to the answers.

Which baby sleeps like an angel?
Which baby sleeps like he/she is slaying dragons and is so noisy that the babies have already had to be moved to their nursery without the monitor on and with the door closed in order for only the "real" cries to be heard?

Which baby will eat any formula without problem?
Which baby has led us to try 4 formulas, gas drops, and two nipples in the course of 3 weeks to alleviate post-feeding craziness?

Which baby consistently eats the same amount?
Which baby has an appetite that sings wildly between 2 and 6 ounces, leading that baby to wake up too early (after a 2 ounce feeding) or not want to eat at the next feeding at all (after a 6 ounce feeding)?

Which baby likes to be occasionally held, but after a while really enjoys just being peacefully placed in his/her crib to drift off to sweet sleep on his/her own?
Which baby requires extended burping, swinging, pacifiers, tons of holding, a specific type of swaddling and a feeding...and only when the stars are aligned...in order to go to sleep?

If you answered Kenna to all the first questions and Nathan to all the second questions, you are correct! Kenna is pretty much the easiest imaginable baby, and Nathan is pretty much the most difficult imaginable baby. I think the most difficult thing is the sleep issue. He absolutely is incapable of going to sleep on his own. Ever. I desperately want them to get to 3 months old so we can do sleep training (it's too early now - they aren't "trainable" yet). That's been the hardest thing for me - not being able to really work on making progress in difficult areas, because it's pretty much universally agreed that in the first three months you can't train them. I'm a person who needs a plan; I see a problem, I will find a solution. I see Nathan needs to learn to sleep on his own, I want to do all the recommended techniques to get him there. But, I can't yet. It makes you feel like you are just treading water. The only progress I feel we are making is time toward that 3 month point. Oh, March, how you look like a wonderful month. :) (And yes I know that it won't be a magical day on their 3 month birthday where they are suddenly trainable - but I know I can start working on it then!)

The good thing is, we have learned a lot about their cries and cues and I feel more confident that I know what is going on at a given time. We know their patterns for the most part. I'm sure that will continue getting easier too. Nathan had a couple of weeks of extreme gas pain and agitation at times so we have been trying different formulas and think we have found one that works pretty well for him in the last 3 days. Now he is "just" fussy but not in pain. A step forward. J is still pumping, but we mix with formula to have enough for them. Nathan is eating about 36 ounces per day now and Kenna about 32!

B goes back to work tomorrow and I'm a bit nervous about that. Right now, when one of us just can't manage Nathan anymore, the other is sane enough to jump in. But as of Sunday, B will be doing his 9p-3a shift at night and it's all me the rest of the time. We are going to try this for a couple of weeks to see if B will survive doing his night shift and still be able to function at work. If he can't, we may look into some nightime help.

Feeding every 3 hours is going really well for the most part. Only occasionally do we get off schedule. But of the 3 hours, about 1.5 hours is spent feeding, diapering and getting back to sleep so there isn't much time in between cycles left over. I'm very excited to move to a 4 hour schedule when that becomes possible. Kenna I think is ready to eat every 4 hours already because we usually have to wake her to eat, but Nathan definitely needs his 3 hour feedings (even though he eats a ton!).

Amazingly, I don't feel completely exhausted physically. I just feel drained energy wise from the never ending 3 hour cycles. Just when I feel like I get to relax I look at the clock and have about 15 minutes until the next feeding. I'm always surprised - like, it can't possibly be time for them to eat again?! lol

We did get out the other day for the first time with them. We took them to an open air mall (to avoid indoor germs) and went to our favorite restaurant. Then we got ice cream and walked around. It was so great to feel like we weren't homebound anymore! I loved just cruising around with them, getting to spend time with them while getting time to be out of the house. There were a lot of onlookers. People think you can't hear them, which is so amusing. We were just sitting with the double stroller and people would walk by and say, "Oh my gosh, twins" or "ooohhhh twins" or "oh wow, twins" (in a tone of "I can't even imagine what that would be like"). A guy actually asked us, "how crazy is YOUR life?" lol

So, that's the first month. I'm really looking forward to when we get to enjoy them all day and enjoy sleep all night. :) That's fair, right?

Check out J's video

2009-01-02T13:04:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to do a quick post to point to J's blog and an awesome video she created to "sum up" her surrogate experience. It's beautiful! Go check it out at:

http://surro4nandb.easyjournal.com/

Happy new year everyone!

A New Day

2008-12-30T16:30:00.000-08:00

My father in law surprised us with this beautiful video of the babies the other day. I wanted to share it here with you all. This was right after the babies were at home together for the first time.

(I have more to update and will try to post tomorrow on "day to day" things. :) Thanks so much for all the kind comments on my birth story post. I didn't think anyone would actually make it through that whole thing, so thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it!)

The birth story and beyond...a short novel

2008-12-27T08:20:00.000-08:00

Well, it has happened - I suddenly had a burning desire to write the birth story. Perhaps it is the fact that I woke up sick this morning and am unable to sleep. Perhaps it is the fact that our house is so cold that only a polar bear would feel at home and I need to generate heat by typing. (I'm used to 75 degrees in the house, but we have had to turn down the thermostat to 68 for the babies and I am polar bearly surviving...sorry, the pun was irresistable. The lack of sleep may be making me corny. :)

Part of why I haven't written this to date, aside from the fact that the babies take up 99% of my time, is that I really wasn't sure how to process those three days in the hospital. I wasn't sure how I could possibly write a legitimate birth story when I couldn't yet identify my own feelings or put into words how I felt. What I have come to is this: the three days at the hospital were the most stressful three days of my life. There, I said it. I feel like birth stories are always these glowing reports of joyous elation and the fact that it was a very stressful three days for me in many ways made me feel like something was wrong with me. Don't get me wrong, it was also the most amazing three days of my life. But that amazement was absolutely balanced with a stress level I have never before experienced. MUCH of that was a direct result of being an IM and my conflicted feelings seeing a friend go through so much. Surrogacy is a unique experience from that perspective and in the interest of providing a real account to help other expecting IMs understand how they might feel, I will be as honest as I can about the lows as well as the more obvious highs.

Before the Delivery

J came off bed rest at 36 weeks. She still had contractions, but they weren't changing her cervix and they had actually decreased since going on bed rest a couple of weeks prior. We all were elated to make it to the 36 week mark because we felt the babies would be fine if they came after that point. We also thought that they would come soon after she got off bed rest since the contractions would start again. Even so, when we went to our routine NST the morning after J's first day off bed rest, I would have bet the moon that that WASN'T the day. Pretty much every other appointment I thought it would happen but I was confident it would NOT happen that day. I didn't leave out extra food for the cats, I didn't wear what I wanted to wear for delivery. But as soon as J got hooked up to the monitors, I could see those contractions coming on way stronger than ever before and I started to realize...that was probably going to be it. J had felt funny earlier in the morning too. While watching the contractions I was getting excited. I really wanted those babies to come! I really wanted J to not have to be pregnant anymore too, so I was gladly willing to have the babies a little early in exchange for her being able to get on with her life. Soon, we were moved to the L&D triage for more monitoring. It became clear quickly that this was the day. She was dilating fast and they scheduled the c-section for 4 pm since she had eaten that morning. But nothing was slowing down the dilation after a while and they said she needed to just go in for the c-section about 1 pm instead. We went from going to our routine NST to being scheduled for the birth 4 hours later. I went outside to call B, who was watching J's children at her house. Me: "Hi. We're having the babies today." B: "Okaaay. Really?" Me: "Yes" (in shock) B: "Okaaayy, I'll make arrangements to get down there." (in shock) Nothing prepares you, no matter how much warning, for the moment that you realize that's THE day. Nothing at all. I was totally shaking at this point.

Eventually, B and R (J's husband) arrived. We were all led to a room where they could wait while I "attended" the big event. I suited up in one of those white snow suit things and hair cap with mask. They whisked J away to the room for the spinal and other preparation. The three of us sat in the room just laughing nervously and looking at the clock. I felt like I was going to throw up. I was very nervous. When they came and told me it was time to go in I was very scared and stressed. No one had told me what it would be like in there and it was just a total unknown. I kissed B goodbye and headed down the hallway.

The Delivery Room

I was led into the delivery room (an operating room), where there were probably 10 medical professionals and lots of equipment and tools. J was strapped into the table with the curtain down so she couldn't see anything. I was directed to sit on a stool by her head, behind the curtain, though I was on the end of it so I could see the doctors and everything. I was struck by how serious the mood was. It wasn't like a "hey, this is so exciting, your children are about to be born!" room. It was a "we are about to do a major medical procedure so everyone get your ducks in a row" room. It felt VERY tense. I was afraid to move. I literally sat like a statue on the stool. No one talked to me or told me what to expect, I was just placed on the stool. I looked at J and she was staring straight up at the ceiling. I figured she was sort of out of it from meds and such and didn't want to make her talk so I didn't talk to her. I wanted to comfort her somehow but I didn't know what to do. I rubbed her arm a little but felt a cord and was afraid to pull something out. I tried to rub her hand but thought she probably wanted to be left alone to concentrate. Then suddenly a nurse asked her something and she replied as clear as day. I remember feeling very shocked that she was so lucid. Then I wondered, does she want me to talk to her? Should I be doing or saying something? Does she think I don't realize how scared she probably is because I'm not doing more? I was, quite honestly, terrified. Terrified not knowing what was about to happen, terrified not knowing how to help J, terrified seeing the surgical tools, terrified that we may or may not have two healthy babies in the next few minutes. I was practically paralyzed with fear and numbness. Then they started the c-section. J is a really independent, strong and unemotional person - but I could see she was scared and anxious. It was horrible sitting there seeing her grimace as they pulled and tugged on her. I didn't touch her or say anything because it looked like she was concentrating. Not long after I saw a gush of water to the floor. I made the association: water broke, baby coming. Sure enough, within 5 seconds I saw kicking purplish legs and feet emerge. I simply can't put a word on that feeling because I don't know what it was. Complete fear? Complete shock? Complete disbelief there was a live baby in there? Complete joy to see two legs? Some combination of these? I honestly feel like all of these happened so simultaneously that they canceled each other out and I was left numb. I burst into tears, completely overwhelmed. I could hardly catch my breath. People were exclaiming, "wow, he's a big one!" They wisked Nathan away to one of the beds in the room for the doctors and nurses to evaluate. I was still sitting on the stool. No one told me what to do and I was so scared to make a bad move. One minute later I saw identical feet and legs come out. More exclamations of "she's big too!" and comments on how there was no doubt they were siblings. It was surreal. There really were two live babies in there. If you have never struggled with infertility, maybe that seems like a weird thing to say. But if you have, you probably understand what I mean. You just don't believe they are really there until you see them. It all hit home: we had two live babies!

Kenna was moved to the other bed for evaluation. So there were my two children, far from view, surrounded by people. Could I see them? Could I take pictures? Could I move from my statue position on the stool? Heck if I knew, no one said a word to me. Finally the doctor (who was our OB) looked at me and said something like, "you should go see your babies". It was almost in a tone like, "why aren't you over there?" I felt so uncomfortable, like I was an unwelcome foreigner in the room, the hovering parent when more important things like medical evaluations were going on. I asked a nurse on the way to the beds if I could take a picture now and she said yes. My legs felt heavy and my heart pounded as I walked toward the babies, still surrounded by people. I couldn't believe I was about to see them the first time. Would they look normal? Would they be healthy? Would they look like us? Would I automatically know they were my babies? Would they look so different I would think the embryos were mixed up on transfer day and that's the only reason we got pregnant? I was so stressed and nervous to go over there. I looked at Nathan first. He just looked like a baby - not someone I "knew". It was hard to look at him through everyone so I took a picture. The doctor then got mad at me and said, "no pictures yet! I will tell you when!" Me (shaking): "Oh, I asked someone else and they said it was OK. I'm sorry." I looked at Nathan a little longer, just staring at him in disbelief. A real baby. My real baby? Then I looked at Kenna. She was gurgling up a lot of fluid and they seemed concerned. I didn't dare ask any questions. I asked them if I could take a picture of her and they said sure (while they continued working on her). Like a journalist working to document a scene that didn't quite register, I just started snapping pictures.

No one had said, "the babies look great!" or "this is all normal procedure, they are doing great!" or "their apgar scores are/were..." I realized at one point while taking pictures that I had practically stopped breathing I was so stressed at not knowing what was happening. I finally got the courage to ask one of these intense medical professionals, "are they OK? Are they normal?" Honestly, I don't even recall what they said, just that Kenna had a lot of fluid they were trying to get out. In the meantime, they went to weigh Nathan. Since I always see that people have pictures of the new baby on a weight scale I walked over and desperately tried to angle my camera between everyone. No one had even told me they were going to weigh him at that point - it was just luck that I saw they were taking him over to do that and I tagged along. They wrapped him up and finally said, "are you ready to hold him?" I gulped and said, "sure!" They put him in my arms and I couldn't have been stiffer. I just stared at him in disbelief, standing in the middle of the operating room with people whirling around me. It sort of felt like standing in the middle of a tornado. I asked if I could walk over and show him to J. They said yes so I turned around and headed over when I saw something that I wish I hadn't: they were stitching up J. I will leave out the details of what I saw, but suffice it to say that it was so shocking to have accidentally seen that that there was a part of me that wanted to rewind everything, give the babies back, and magically make J not have to go through that. I was *horrified* that a friend was experiencing what I got a glimpse of. I felt like running out of the room and bawling. It was almost too much to bear. I walked on to see her and was holding him up when I got to her head. She looked over and all I could eek out was, "this is Nathan!" I stood there for a minute holding him so she could see him and she asked how much they weighed. She was grimacing from the stitch up process though and I figured that she wanted to be left alone so after a little bit I walked away with him, over to see what was happening with Kenna.

They told me that she needed to go to the NICU because she had so much fluid. They said it was common for c-section babies. Honestly, I didn't think much of it at that point. I thought she would be there for a couple of hours while we bonded with Nathan and then she would come back. Before they left, one nice nurse asked if I wanted a picture of them together. I was so grateful for that opportunity. I remember shaking so hard but telling myself that I would be furious later if that picture was blury. I held my breath and got a good one (the one I originally posted).

Then they said for me to follow out of the room and J would be wheeled back to us in a bit. I felt so bad leaving with the babies and J staying there, but it was also a relief to get out of that room. I couldn't wait to see B and share the babies. Apparently, he had already seen Kenna as they were wheeling her away to the NICU. The nurse wheeled Nathan into our room and put him in the warmer thing. We were now free to get to know him.

Post-Delivery - the Rest of Day 1

If there was a ton of bricks on me in the delivery room, a good majority of them were removed when it was just one nurse, me, B and R with little Nathan to enjoy in the postpartum room. What a RELIEF to feel like we could be excited and happy! What a RELIEF to just touch him, love him, and not feel like I was about to do something wrong any minute. What a RELIEF to finally look at him as long as we wanted and know that he was perfectly fine. It was so awesome to share that with B and just be so joyful that our little boy looked great and was the cutest little boy ever born. :) My heart melted as B picked him up. R got some fabulous pictures of our first moments fawning over little Nathan together and I'm so grateful to him for thinking to do that. They capture such raw emotion - joy, pride, relief and elation. This is my favorite one - the proud new parents smiling and snapping photos:

Soon after, J was wheeled in and I was SO happy to see her. She looked good despite the whole ordeal. I could tell how tired she was, but I was so relieved that she looked like she didn't completely hate us. I was so proud to be able to hand her Nathan. She looked so cute holding him. She hadn't even seen Kenna because I hadn't been allowed to hold her before they took her to the NICU. We spent some more time with little Nathan and he was quickly going from "stranger baby" to our precious little guy. I was surprised how fast that happened. He just felt like ours once we had a few minutes to get to know him on our own terms.

We then were told we could go see Kenna in the NICU. They hadn't admitted her yet because they were still observing her. But later that day they said they had to admit her because she was having some trouble breathing due to that fluid. She needed to be put on oxygen. I still thought it would be a really short stay (maybe a day or two) so I didn't freak out. I was disappointed, but I knew we could get to know Nathan in the meantime.

It was finally time for us to get moved to the room where we would stay from then on. The hospital was very generous with us and gave us a large room with a curtain partition between two beds so that B and I could stay in a hospital bed ourselves. It was perfect because I didn't feel like we were leaving J to be in another room, yet it gave both her and us privacy.

Once we got to this room, we could then invite B's parents in, who had been in the waiting room for quite a while. I couldn't wait to share Nathan with them! They have been incredibly supportive throughout this process and were as excited as we were for these little ones to join our family. They were beaming when they got to see and hold him. It made me beam too. :) They gave me the most beautiful gift - a silver necklace with engraved boy/girl twins. I just love it and it's so special to wear!

Nurses continued to come in and out constantly to do all the normal newborn checking. Nathan had low blood sugar so they kept pricking his heel regularly to monitor the levels after his every-2-hour feedings. They came to give him a bath, to give us birth certificate papers, and all kinds of other things. Oh, and probably to tell us for the 800th time to make sure he always sleeps on his back to help prevent SIDS.

I delighted in all the normal newborn stuff with Nathan because it made me feel so normal as a parent. I also loved having my own hospital bed because in a weird way, getting to lie there and hold him made me feel like all the other moms of the world who lie in a hospital bed after birth with their little ones. I really, really loved that opportunity though I know how strange that must sound.

Meanwhile, J was very, very sick from all the meds. It was very difficult to be there, basking in the joy of little Nathan, while J was absolutely miserable one curtain away. I hated not being able to help her. I assumed she wanted to be alone and not visit during that time so we just kind of kept to ourselves unless she said she needed something. I constantly second guessed what we were doing, and wondered if we could somehow do more.

That first night I couldn't believe the constant flow of people coming in and out of the room. It was miserable! There was no rest for the weary, that's for sure! They kept checking to make sure we were feeding regularly, changing diapers, looking at how much he ate, etc. When he would cry, they would come in as if we were doing something wrong. At one point when he was screaming during a diaper change, there were 3 nurses surrounding us just staring at us changing the diaper. I just about screamed I was so annoyed...I finally said, "Everything's fine here, JUST CHANGING A DIAPER!!!"

B was over in his chair asleep and had said his cell phone alarm to remind us to feed every two hours, but I hardly slept so everytime he stumbled over to tell me it was time, I was already well into the feeding. He was amazed, given that I'm not a night person at all. But I couldn't wait to hold and feed my baby! It was just a pleasure to learn a little something more about his care each time. I was definitely in love by that point.

The Second Day

The second day was really a blur for me, but I would sum it up as the day we realized Kenna's NICU stay was not going to be so short after all. J had said she couldn't believe how we weren't more stressed about having Kenna in the NICU on the first day (I think she was really worried about her). I kept saying that it would be short and I had always expected a little NICU time since they would come early. But the realization that we had an indefinite stay on our hands on the second day finally sent me flying. I remember going to the NICU to see her one particular time that day, not getting any straight answers about how long she would be there, and finally bursting into tears. They said, "probably just several days, a week or two". That was NOT within my realm of expectation. I remember my eyes bulging out at that point and saying, "A WEEK OR TWO?!?!?!" NOW I was stressed. It was hard to be exhausted and managing Nathan in the room and at the same time trading off who would go for NICU feedings. I just wanted Kenna with us. I was incredibly frustrated with the NICU then, and for the rest of her eventual 9 day stay. The main doctor didn't speak English well and was completely unwilling to provide an estimate of her stay. I finally got to the point where I said, "Look, you have to understand our point of view on this. I completely get that you don't want to disappoint parents and tell them the baby will only be here a couple of days when it turns out to be longer. I'm sure that you have been burned many times by that. But you have to understand that at this point we have NO IDEA if you the likelihood is greater that it will be a couple of days or a couple of weeks. We don't even know if this is life threatening or something!" His gentle response? "Not life threatening, but things can change." She was just there for oxygen! There was one kind nurse of the entire bunch who was kind enough to provide encouragement without overpromising. She said it was a common problem for slightly preterm babies, and for c sections, and that it would probably just be a few days to get her on her feet. I was so grateful for that.

J was absolutely miserable on day 2. It certainly didn't get any easier to see her that way either. I was literally ecstatic when they told us we would all (except Kenna) be going home the next day. I wanted J to rest more peacefully and I wanted to finally feel like we were on our own without a constant stream of nurses coming in and out. I couldn't wait.

B knew how stressed I was about Kenna and J and kept comforting me. That second night he stayed in the hospital bed with me rather than the chair because R came to stay with J. It was wonderful to have him next to me. When Nathan started crying, we put him between us and those were some of the most special moments of our stay. B was just the best husband and daddy imaginable, comforting both me and Nathan! At one point in the middle of the night he whispered, "I picked a song for you" (referring to his mp3 player which I didn't even realize he had brought). He put the headphones on me while I was lying there and played me a Christian song we both love that was especially appropriate at that moment. As I laid there listening to it, I closed my eyes, held Nathan in one arm, with my face against B's, and drifted off to sleep in a special moment I'll never forget.

The Third Day

Day 3 was all about going home preparations. I got Nathan into his going home outfit and he was so cute to finally be in the clothes we had purchased (as opposed to hospital stock)! It was exciting to feel like I was "making him mine". I took a million pictures in that little outfit. He was adorable. They brought the celebratory lunch and cider for us, and B, J, R and I all shared it. It was a nice end to the hospital time. J seemed to be less sick than the day before so I felt a bit more positive. We said bye to Kenna and I felt really sad that she couldn't come home with us. But we agreed that we would bring Nathan back when she was ready so that we could all leave together on the "second try" (which we eventually did!).

We got down to the cars and it was time to go. What on earth do you say to J and R at that point? "Thanks for the babies! See you soon!"? "That was great, you're the best!"? Looking back I don't even remember what I said. I guess I knew that there was nothing profound I could say to sum it all up at that point. We all hugged and J and R drove away. We got Nathan all strapped in and I sat in the back seat with him on the way home. Between there and home and I just couldn't stop crying. I was exhausted, relieved, and ecstatic that we were headed home, part of our little family together at home for the first time.

Once we got home and got Nathan out and settled a little, I sat on the couch holding him. And then I cried so hard I didn't think I could stop. My tears just covered his little body. I kept telling him, "I love you so much". The joy had finally exploded from my heart in the safety of my home. Pure, unbridled joy. Pure, unbridled love. He and Kenna had arrived safely. The dream had come true. There really was a happily ever after for us. May we never, ever take that for granted.

What I've learned so far

2008-12-19T09:27:00.000-08:00

Before I get to the "regularly scheduled post", I wanted to post a pic of J, us and the babies (with her permission) if you haven't visited her blog. This was when we were about to leave the NICU with Kenna. Doesn't she look fantastic? Can you believe she had a c-section last week??

Yes, the birth story is conspicuously missing from my blog still...it's just that I have a lot to write and want to do it justice so I need a block of time I can do it. Please check back in 6 or 7 months. :) I'm kidding, of course, and hope to find time in the next week while still fresh in memory!

In the meantime, I thought I would share my thoughts/learnings from my first 10 days of being a mom. In no particular order...

1. I am SOOOOO glad I read a kazillion books during the pregnancy. I can't count the number of people who told me to throw out the books because it would all come naturally and I have to admit that I wondered if it was all in vain since the comment came up so much. But honestly? I can't even imagine doing this if I hadn't read each and every one of the books. I really haven't had any trouble figuring out what I'm doing because I have this stored up info in my head and it all comes back to me at the right times. For me, I definitely would not have just figured things out on my own.

2. Changing baby boys is much more difficult than changing baby girls due to what I like to call the "pee in your face" factor. It was really hard until I got down a method to cover up the "pee shooter". :) I still feel some relief when I am about to do Kenna's diaper and remember I don't have to worry about a little pee shooter under there.

3. The worries I have now absolutely pale in comparison to those I had during the pregnancy. I know everyone says, "oh, wait until you have kids, then you will worry even more!" Well, maybe that will happen eventually, but so far it doesn't even rank on the same chart for me. I do check to see they are breathing at night here and there but I am not nearly as obsessive as I thought I would be about things. I was so scared they would never be here but now that they are I really don't feel overly concerned about things. They are in my arms and that's what I REALLY feared wouldn't happen. I don't see them as any more fragile or delicate than any other baby/child. I guess I just finally feel like I can be that long hoped for "normal" person.

4. I'm SO glad I didn't try breastfeeding. OMG, I can't even imagine the stress involved when you don't know how much they are eating. I have meticulously recorded every feeding and diaper change so I know what they are getting.

5. I'm SO glad that J has been pumping for us because I feel great that I'm giving them about 50%+ breast milk right now! I'm so grateful she was willing to do this for a bit. I never realized that you could pump exclusively if you wanted to. I didn't induce lactation because I didn't want to breast feed, but if I could do it over again I would induce lactation to pump 100%. That way I could control the portions and have the knowledge of what they are getting, but also get to give them breast milk. I missed the boat on that. It just didn't occur to me that that was another option.

6. IThank God for schedules! :) I can't imagine not doing this on a schedule. I am in awe of the people who do on demand feeding and attachment parenting. I think if we let him, Nathan would eat every half an hour. It would be absolutely crazy. Kenna is much more content to wait. We are on a religious 1-4-7-10-1-4-7-10 schedule (times of day - 1p, 4p, etc.). If Nathan is really rooting around and getting cranky, I'll start him 15 minutes earlier than schedule but no earlier. It works great. I focus on getting them each a full feeding no matter what of a minimum 2 oz (but really try for 2.5 oz+ each). That way they don't wake up early starving. (This is all based on Baby Wise.) They each do a feeding in about 15-20 minutes now. We also adhere to the eat-activity-sleep pattern from the Baby Whisperer, which works well also. Nathan rarely wakes up during the day so it is more eat-sleep-eat-sleep for him. But Kenna is very alert and even seems to enjoy me reading to her! Nathan wakes up solely during the time when daddy is on duty at night and trying to sleep. We are hoping this will resolve. :) I know some people are anti-schedule, but it's working great for us. The NICU recommended this schedule when we brought Kenna home.

7. Babies really do have different personalities! Nathan was a cherub the first week. Then he started being VERY restless while sleeping. Tossing, turning, grunting, etc. It's IMPOSSIBLE to sleep when he is sleeping in the room. He looks SO grouchy while in the restless phase. I've started calling him my little stink face. ha! When he is fed he looks perfectly content. But after you put him down again lots of restlessness. If he could lay in your arms for hours while passively sucking milk when he feels like it, he would be in heaven. But, I work with him to make sure he gets down what he needs to in a 20 minute timeframe (based on our pediatrician's guidance, they shouldn't spend much more time than that). Kenna is a feeding superstar now! She ate almost 3 oz this morning...a week ago they were trying to push her to 1.25 oz! I would consider her our "easy baby" at this point (knock on wood). She almost never cries - if she does, the reason is immediately apparent.

8. Babies are SO LOUD when they sleep! Or I should say Nathan is SO LOUD! Tonight we are going to try moving them out of our room already and into the nursery cribs. The nursery is down the hall further than I feel comfortable with at this point so we're going to sleep in the guest room right next to it and see how that goes.

9. I don't mind baby poop at all. :) It really hasn't been a big deal.

10. B minds baby poop a lot. In our little "eat sleep poop" journals there is a check box for "wet" and "poop" diapers so you can keep track (to make sure they are getting enough nutrition). You are just supposed to place a check but B sometimes feels compelled to leave a special note under a given poop diaper such as, "whoa" or "tons". :)

11. I think it's adorable when our babies pass gas. Is that weird? lol

12. There was a day I took 223 pictures. Yes, 223. They do so many cute things and look so precious together now that Kenna is home that I can't stop myself!

13. It is quite an event to take two babies out at the same time. We took them to the doctor for their first appointment together yesterday and it was quite the challenge to get them prepared. I better understand why people with kids are always late. :) (Both babies did great - Nathan is now 6 lbs 12 oz, which is 6 oz over birth weight, and Kenna is exactly her birth weight of 6 lbs 12 oz.)

14. I have super woman energy right now. Really. I'm getting 6-7 hours of sleep per night, but really 6 uninterrupted. In times past, 6 hours would make me feel so terrible I would literally be sick when I got up. I have felt pretty rested and have exhibited a patience during the rough 3a-8a stretch that I never thought possible of myself. I'm horribly impatient but somehow I am a different person now. I just keep thanking God for this in particular. It is SO not me. B, who normally gets relatively little sleep, is struggling way more. It's a crazy reversal if you knew our normal sleep patterns. Along the same lines, I've never been so on top of laundry, cleaning, etc. I've become extremely efficient because I can see how you could get behind SO fast. Perhaps out of that fear, I am constantly scurrying around. Maybe that is what is waking me up. :) The house has never been as well run as it is now!

15. Baby crying has only really frustrated me a couple of times. I was terrified I would be annoyed constantly because I've always hated the sound of babies crying. But it really doesn't bother me much. Kenna rarely cries to begin with and when Nathan "cries" it is usually sleep fussiness (half awake half asleep) and I generally let him work it out on his own. I don't scoop him up unless he really ends up in a full scale cry - I'd say 8 times out of 10 he goes on back to sleep without intervention.

16. Holy laundry. Can we really go through this much laundry? I'm doing it like...every day?! I used to do it every other week!

17. I love putting their little clothes on just as much as I thought I would. They are so cute in all their Christmas wear!

18. I'm really taking people's advice to cherish every day. I can already see the changes in their faces in just a week and a half - I can imagine how fast this will go by. I know we probably won't have more kids so I am just hanging on to every moment. Perhaps that is why I have so much patience right now too.

19. You really DON'T have to warm bottles. People kept telling us you have to warm bottles so we finally bought a bottle warmer assuming we would use it. But there is no need (at least for us) - our babies happily suck down the milk whether it is straight from the fridge or room temp! That's one expense I regret.

20. Loving the babies really has come naturally. I have had no trouble at all bonding with them, and I was probably the poster child for someone likely to not bond for a while - didn't carry the pregnancy and was never a "baby person" to begin with. But I adore them and feel 100% that they are my babies and I am their mommy. I feel like I know them so well already. I just can't wait for every day to spend with them. When I wake up in the morning, I may be tired, but I can't wait to unwrap their swaddles to give them a big kiss and sing them a song. I can't wait for every day of the rest of my life with them. :)

Look who came home today!!

2008-12-16T17:25:00.001-08:00

We brought Kenna home today about noon and she is doing great! It's so wonderfully amazing to have both babies with us! I'm so excited! J and her family met us there so they could be part of the "coming home" experience. We took some great pictures and I will let her post the ones of her on her blog. Here are some others! (As a side note, we gave the babies breast milk for the first time today and all went great - they didn't seem to notice the difference.)

One more picture

2008-12-15T14:28:00.000-08:00

I felt bad that I only posted Nathan's pics so I uploaded one that I think is the best of Kenna from the NICU. I just think she looks so cute here, like she is pumping her fist in the air to get to come home tomorrow! This was taken yesterday.

Pictures!

2008-12-14T17:32:00.001-08:00

First of all - they said this morning that Kenna should come home tomorrow if she does as well today after they remove the IV!! HOORAY! I was so excited when B called to tell me the news that I was jumping up and down. :)

As promised, here are some pictures! It is hard to pick just a few to post because we have taken over 500 (!!!) THIS WEEK! LOL Yes, we are in love. :)

Unfortunately we don't have a lot of good ones of Kenna because she always has all the wires and it's not easy to take good pics in the NICU. So, I promise to post lots of cute ones of her when she gets home. For now, these are of Nathan with more to follow tomorrow (hopefully!) of Kenna.

Enjoy!

Updates!

2008-12-14T11:36:00.001-08:00

First of all, to all of you who have been reading my blog, either a little time or a long time, I want to say thank you so much for caring about our journey, praying for us, and leaving encouraging comments. It has made the journey even more fun and special to be able to share it with others who are interested in surrogacy and hopefully encourage some along the way. I have loved "meeting" others through blogs and through comments. I so much appreciate it when you take the time to leave comments and loved reading through all the happy congratulations on the announcement post. Thank you SO MUCH to everyone for the kind words, and for sticking with us through the last few months!

I have so much to say about the delivery, the days at the hospital, the time since we have been home! But things are still a little hectic getting into the swing of it all and managing between home with Nathan and the NICU with Kenna so I haven't quite had the time. I hope to very soon because I can't wait to share with you! That said, I wanted to update you on Kenna because I know some of you are probably wondering how she is doing.

Kenna is doing great right now. She initially landed in the NICU because she had fluid in her lungs from the delivery. They had to put her on oxygen because she was working so hard to breathe. Her respiratory rate was about twice what it should at that point. They were feeding her through IV. By the next day she was already off the oxygen with a normal respiratory rate. The next step was to bottle feed to make sure she could suck/eat/breathe at the same time. She had a really weak suck and it was difficult for her to get going. She got tired really easily. They started her at about 15 cc's and she did OK so they kept moving her up with each feeding. By the time they got to 30 (one ounce), she had become stressed and had to go back on oxygen. I was really upset at that point because it just felt like things were worse than I initally thought. But, the nurses told us that Nathan is the exception and that babies usually have a few minor issues like Kenna has at 36 weeks and Nathan did great to go home right away. They encouraged us that it was normal and that she would be fine so I felt better. She soon went off oxygen and they decided to not push the feeding as fast. Since then, they have slowly moved her up and she took 45 cc's last night! And, she hasn't had a need for oxygen again. When we called for an update this morning they said that the doctor said if the IV falls out (they get saturated), don't put it in again. That's a great sign because right now she has been getting some nutrition from IV, some from bottle while she was learning. If the IV doesn't need to stay in that means she is self sufficient and should come home very soon. It's been frustrating because the people at the NICU WILL NOT give you an estimate of home coming because they don't want to disappoint. Still, that leaves you constantly wondering, are we talking 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months?? I think there is a chance she might come home as early as Tuesday but that's just me saying that. I think it's pretty certain some time this week and we hope sooner rather than later. Thank you so much for all the prayers. We can't wait to have her home. We have gotten to know Nathan better since we are with him more and I can't wait to know her in the same way.

Nathan had his first appointment with the doctor and he got his first "percentiles". They are for full term babies and she said some early babies won't even be on the chart. Well, even for being 4 weeks early he is in the 25th percentile for height, 20th percentile for weight and 75th percentile for head size! LOL His head doesn't look that giant! :) He is doing great and all was well at the appointment.

I can't wait to post more pictures and will soon. I hope today later. I have to go to the NICU to visit and feed Kenna right now. I just want to say that it has been the most amazing week of my life and I never imagined I could love two babies from the first moment like this. I absolutely adore them and can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together.

Please visit J's blog for details on the delivery - the birth story from her perspective! http://surro4nandb.easyjournal.com/

Our babies have arrived!

2008-12-11T08:34:00.001-08:00

As you probably suspected by now, our babies are here!!

Nathanael Bryan arrived at 1:01 pm on Monday, December 8 via c-section; 6 pounds 6 oz and 19.25 inches
Kenna Sophia arrived at 1:02 pm the same day via c-section; 6 pounds 12 oz and 19.75 inches

(Kenna left, Nathan right)

J did an amazing job and having seen the extent of a c-section I am in more awe than ever that anyone would ever do this by choice for another. She and R are absolute angels in our lives. J was able to go home yesterday and is doing as well as can be expected given it was a c-section. It's definitely not an easy recovery and it was just awful to see how much pain she was in.

We came home with Nathan yesterday afternoon. Kenna has been in the NICU since birth with some (so far) normal-for-preemie issues with breathing and sucking. At first she was working way too hard to breathe so they had her on oxygen. The next day she already was off it and doing fine with breathing, but wasn't sucking/feeding well. Last night she had the need for oxygen again and still isn't sucking/feeding well. Our little girl will probably be there a few more days while she gets it figured out and we will be taking turns going to the hospital. The nurses tell us it's very common for early babies (even despite her large size!) and that we have nothing to worry about. It just looks like Nathan was ready to come before his sister. He is doing great and is really alert.

I love them both so much it hurts and just constantly cry from the overwhelming emotions of it all.

I will post much more about the birth story and the last few days, but I wanted to finally get on and post that they are here! We feel like we've been hit by a bus sleep wise so we're working on adjusting. ;) I hope to get a little more settled today and will do a better post with details later today or tomorrow.

Our cats are ready for the babies too...

2008-12-05T12:43:00.000-08:00

No News...

2008-12-05T09:52:00.001-08:00

Sorry if I left you hanging after the NST (thanks Amy for pointing that out!)! Since everything has been so uneventful I didn't think to update yesterday. :) But we passed just fine with a few small contractions and were on our way out the door. No babies yet! Can you believe we are just 9 days away from being full term at this point? What an amazing thing! J being on bed rest was a sacrifice that has made a huge difference for the health of the babies. I'm very excited (and I'm sure she is even more so) that today and tomorrow are her last days of restriction! As of Sunday morning she is allowed to live normally again. We were joking that at this point, however, she is now so uncomfortable that she couldn't live normally if she tried. :)

This morning our phone rang at like 6 a.m. (a rare occurrence) and I thought for sure that was going to be it. My heart started pounding as B reached over to look at the caller ID. I gasped, "is it THEM?!!" But, alas, it was not. Since we are so close to 36 weeks now, I do hope we make it past Sunday. After that, though, they need to present themselves soon! I also hope it's not a middle of the night thing. I would be pretty bummed to go to the hospital unshowered for the birth of our babies. :)

Next NST is on Monday!

Baby weights

2008-12-03T07:38:00.001-08:00

Last night we had our (probably last) growth ultrasound, where they measure the key parts of the babies' bodies to make sure they are growing at the appropriate rate still and that they aren't too different in size. They say that babies grow about half a pound per week during this time, so based on my calculations vs. the last ultrasound I hoped they would be a little over six pounds at this point. Well, based on the current estimates (you can never be totally sure until they come out), it looks like K is 6 pounds 15 ounces and N is 6 pounds 8 ounces! They are BIG! For the first time in the whole pregnancy, K is bigger than her brother. I couldn't believe she is almost 7 pounds at 35 weeks. They aren't allowed to tell us the measurements (you have to wait for the doctor's appointment) but after staring long enough at the screen I could tell that almost all the measurements were over 37 weeks...they are measuring about two weeks ahead. That would account for the hefty weights! I am really excited that they seem to be thriving so much!

The next NST is tomorrow. We'll basically have them every Monday/Thursday until the babies come with a peri appointment next Tuesday, an OB appointment the following Monday, and another peri appointment on the 19th. We don't have appointments after that, and I really hope we won't have need for them at that point!

NY Times article on gestational surrogacy

2008-12-01T18:24:00.001-08:00

(If you are looking for the latest update, I just posted it...scroll down past this post.)

The NY Times ran a feature story this weekend on gestational surrogacy (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/30/magazine/30Surrogate-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ei=5070&emc=eta1). The author is someone who was already a writer for the Times. She was very honest in the article about what she went through before surrogacy (11 IVFs), and her thoughts and feelings during the surrogacy. I thought it was a good story to give the general public an "intro" into what gestational surrogacy is. Unfortunately the corresponding photographs featured the writer in front of her upscale house (with her baby nurse behind her) and the surrogate on a weathered porch, making it seem that the story of surrogacy is all about rich women using poor women to have babies. Granted, the writer came across as slightly snobish at times, but to put photos like that on the front page really handicapped the story from the beginning for the average reader with already preconceived notions.

When I saw that 404 people had commented on the story, I braced myself for the worst before digging in (and oh, yes, I dug in and read all 404 comments - obviously this is a story near and dear to my heart and it is an interesting opportunity to read the unbridled responses of strangers to the notion of surrogacy). I know that it is really hard for the average person to grasp infertility treatments when they haven't struggled with infertility, and to grasp surrogacy? Almost impossible. I anticipated a slew of comments about how terrible it was she didn't adopt, how she was exploiting this other woman, and how egotistical it is to want to propogate your own genes. I was exactly right. But I was shocked at the absolute disgust people expressed and some key themes that I would not have thought would stand out to so many.

I was also surprised that the overwhelming majority of people who responded felt so strongly negative about the surrogacy. I wondered if anyone we have told about surrogacy thinks like that. I certainly haven't noticed anyone even trying to cover up a negative shock about it, and I'm very observant in that way. It was hard to determine how many of them felt that way because of the pictures (which many mentioned) or because of the slightly arrogant manner in which the article was written. But even aside from these issues there were plenty of other points brought up over and over. I wish I could get all those people into a lecture hall and address their points because they (the points) are so illogical and uneducated. I will try to make myself feel better by responding to their points here and pretending they will read them (or rather hoping that they will somehow be so intrigued with the issue that they google for more information and end up here). :)

Point 1: "How dare you spend so much on this kind of venture rather than doing something good/more honorable with the money?"

I have to admit that this isn't something I would have thought would stand out to people after reading about surrogacy, but it came up over and over. How "unfair" it is that this woman had the resources to pay someone else to carry her baby - such a luxury for the uber rich - and how she should have given that money to a better cause was a constant theme in the comments. I will be the first to acknowledge that surrogacy and IVF is an expensive venture and that it is true that not everyone could afford to do it. So is taking a European vacation, buying a new car or buying a house. Would these people have been equally outraged that this (or another) woman paid for any of those other things? Of course not. Isn't financing the medical technology necessary to create a precious child a more noble use of funds? What if the woman donated to charitable causes far more than she spent on this surrogacy? Is she then OK? It's so illogical to say, "you have a problem that you could spend a lot of money to have a 'solution' to, but I think you should a) not pursue that solution and b) take the money you WOULD HAVE spent and give it to charitable causes". Unless a person lives an extraordinarily modest lifestyle, far beyond actual means, and donates all of the excess, he/she has absolutely no legs to stand on with such an argument.

Point 2: "I can't believe she would only pay the surrogate $25,000."

The funniest thing is that this comment often went hand in hand with the one above. So let me get this straight. You are saying that it is unfair that only "rich" people can do this, and that it is too much to spend on something of this nature - but you now want to make it MORE expensive? I agree that the sum is not much for compensating a surrogate, but it is the going rate probably BECAUSE if it were higher so few could do it. Surely the money is a nice perk, but almost any surrogate will tell you that they are doing it more because they want to help start (or continue) a family.

Point 3: "She is exploiting a poor woman."

Wow. How incredibly offensive to the kind, educated woman who DESIRED to be a surrogate. Because she was sitting on a weathered porch, we now call her poor? How arrogant of these commenters who are supposedly so concerned about exploitation. They are also insulting her intelligence, suggesting that she wasn't smart enough to not become exploited by surrogacy. The article specifically states that she has a higher education and that she and her husband are middle class. How exactly do people think women become passively exploited by surrogacy? Do they think a wealthy woman is standing in the shadows of a poor woman's house prepped and ready to tackle her with a catheter filled with embryos and impregnate her? Do they think that there are surrogacy brothels where unsuspecting women are being blindly led to do things they don't want? If there is one thing certain about surrogacy, is that it has to be an active decision on the surrogate's part. Just the IVF itself is intensive, requiring daily shots in exactly the right doses, a multitude of appointments, and frequent tests. It is a very CONSCIOUS process, not to mention the whole pregnancy itself. The surrogate in this story was a substitute teacher. Depending on where she lives, she could easily have made more than this surrogacy paid. Yet, she made the ACTIVE decision to make less and to do something extraordinarily generous. Clear choice does not equate to any form of exploitation.

Point 4: "I can't believe she didn't adopt."

As several commenters did point out, people who said this obviously know nothing of adoption. These same people often made the comments about money above...clearly they don't realize that to adopt a child in the U.S. easily costs the same as surrogacy in some cases and to adopt internationally costs multiples of what surrogacy costs in most cases. And, as I have noted in the past, the image of thousands of babies lying around waiting for a home is simply not reality. There are more people who want to adopt in the U.S. than there are babies who need adopting. Most people don't know that. I guess if I put myself in the thought process of someone who does assume that to be the case, I can better understand where they are coming from. But even so, if they have not adopted themselves (given all these babies they think need homes), why do they believe it to be the responsibility of infertile people to adopt the world's infants looking for homes? If you are able to have biological children and choose to adopt with no biological children of your own, you have a right to make the statement that infertile people should adopt because you would say that fertile people should adopt too. Fine. But if you have chosen to have even one biological child, you have expressed a desire to have that experience and should have no trouble understanding why others would have that desire too.

Point 5: "She is so egocentric for needing to pass on her genes so much."

Again, you can only make this statement if you did not have biological children by choice and chose to adopt instead (incidentally, I do know several people who have done this). If you have a biological child, that would make you equally egocentric for "needing to pass on your genes". Clearly people don't think that way so it's the "payment" and "extra effort" to pass on genes that makes the difference in their minds. Again, that's illogical - the underlying desire is the same whether you have trouble or not. If you have a biological child you can say nothing about this.

Point 6: "If you can't have a child naturally, you shouldn't be passing on your (presumably) bad genes."

This point probably infuriated me the most. At the absolute most darwinian level, I guess I understand what they mean in terms of "survival of the fittest". However, they are missing a critical point. The fittest may be someone who only has reproductive problems and perfect health otherwise. So are reproductive genes the most important ones of all for determining who should survive the darwinian race? Say on the one hand you have theoretical people who are battling multiple horrible diseases and have a life expectancy of 20 years. On the other hand you have theoretical people who are perfectly healthy except for a minor reproductive problem and life expectancy of 90 years. Which genes do you think a child would rather receive? Now, I am NOT saying that people battling diseases are any less deserving of having children or that they should not pass on their own genes - I disagree strongly with that. I'm just using this as an example of the fallacy of the argument that reproductive factors should weed people out.

Point 7: "How dare the NY Times run this story when people are struggling in this economy?"

I guess that the NY Times also shouldn't run ads for all the expensive items in their publication during these "troubled times"? I guess that if someone has the means to have a child in a medically advanced way they should say, "well, these are troubled times, I guess I will just shut down my life's most important desire to have a child because things don't look great for a lot of others"? I certainly hope that the people who made comments along these lines don't read the sports section. How dare the NY Times run stories on athletes who are making millions per year during difficult economic times?

Point 8: "This is like prostitution" (or some variant on the moral case against surrogacy).

I would bet my life's savings on there being only a handful of negative comments rather than hundreds of negative comments if the story featured a uterus transplant given to the woman, after which she carried her own baby. Few people would care in the same way because they would see it like an organ donation of any kind (sure, there would still be some skeptics, but not in the order of magnitude you see here). There is no kind of organ that you can use outside of your own body EXCEPT the uterus. It is unique in that you can literally "borrow" it for a time and the organ giver can keep it after. If you had a kidney transplant, you would certainly pay for it, and no one would shout, "kidney prostitution!" But because the giver is being compensated (not an insurance company), and the organ remains with the giver, people can't deal with the "conceptual appearance" of the following three things: a woman receiving money, a baby being born, the baby being given to someone else. It's like walking into a room and seeing people hiding behind couches, a knife on the table and all the lights out. Conceptually, it looks bad because you don't have the pieces to put the story together. However, with a little more information you would realize it's a surprise party, that people are hiding from the guest of honor, that the knife is a cake knife, and the lights are out for the surprise to work. In the same way, money + baby + giving baby to someone else does not = buying a baby. It's compensation for time to respectfully "borrow" a more medically viable organ than your own to carry and deliver a baby that was yours to begin with. THAT is gestational surrogacy.

And then there are people like J who are doing this without any compensation at all. It would be fascinating to read comments on an article about uncompensated surrogacy - I wonder just how different they would be.

Maybe in for a long haul?

2008-12-01T18:17:00.001-08:00

First of all, it's December 1! Hip, hip, hooray (to say the least)!! We are SO happy to have made this milestone.

This morning we went for the latest non-stress test and during the whole test J had only one contraction! There were no cervical changes either. Basically, things are more calm than they have been in about two weeks...the babies are not necessarily on their way any time soon. Kenna is still lying sideways so the doctor went ahead and scheduled a c-section for December 28. Yes - December 28 - an eternity away. None of us, including the doctor, think we will make it to that day, so the far reaching date wasn't overly disappointing. If, however, we did get that far I would be slightly sad that they missed Christmas. :) J is on bed rest until Sunday (36 weeks) and we are thinking that once she gets moving again they might come soon. Since it is pretty much looking like a c-section at this point, I think next week would be perfect timing so J can recover quite a bit before Christmas. I really hope next week is it!

35 Weeks!!

2008-11-30T08:00:00.000-08:00

Look at that ticker! We made it to 35 weeks after all! I'm really excited this morning that we made it to a new week. Everyone has been telling me that 35 weeks is much better than 34 weeks for the health of the babies, so this is great news! One of the doctors even said they consider twins full term at 35 weeks. (I've never heard that before she said it, but I'll just take it as a good indication that we have reached a pretty stable point.)

Now, just one more day to hit December 1 for insurance reasons and we have reached our goal!

I am so grateful to have gotten to this point. As of last night, there were no changes on the contractions, and (unfortunately) no changes to Kenna's position. Tomorrow morning we have a regular OB appointment, then a little later in the morning we have another routine non-stress test. It will have been a week since the last cervix check so it will be interesting to see if anything has changed. Tuesday is a growth ultrasound, and I'm guessing Thursday will be another non-stress test. B really thinks the babies are coming on December 2. I'm guessing later this week. If you have a revised birthday prediction given all that has transpired, please post in the comments. :)

My Thanksgiving List

2008-11-27T07:53:00.000-08:00

What would Thanksgiving be without a Thanksgiving list? :) There are some very special things I am thankful for this year, as you can imagine. Here we go:

THE TOP 10

1. J. J tops the list because without J, there would simply be no babies. If I had a dollar for every time someone has commented how amazing J is for doing what she is doing, I would have a million dollars! We are so thankful that J's compassion led her to understand and pray about our suffering and that she took the next step to offer something so incredible, so life changing. She has literally devoted a year of her life to this journey. I am humbled that anyone would step forward to want to ease our pain in such a miraculous way. I pray that she is blessed over and over by this experience throughout her life...because I know we will be.

2. R (J's husband). Without a supportive husband, there would also be no babies! R is an equally amazing person - how many men are willing to support a wife going through a year of pregnancy preparations and pregnancy when it is not for his own family? J and R are truly selfless people. He has probably explained countless times that his wife is pregnant with another man's baby. LOL In addition to that, he has stepped forward many times to be late to work, or leave early from work, or work from home to watch the kids and allow us all to go to appointments. Now that J is on bed rest, he has had to step up to run the house at times when J can't. Even if J alone were willing to carry two babies for us, without R's support, it just wouldn't be possible. We are so grateful for him.

3. D (J's mom). J's mom has been an absolutely amazing help as well! She came and babysat for many appointments so that B and I could both go and see our babies. She has come at late notice and been so flexible with her help watching the kids. It gave us so many wonderful memories of the pregnancy to be able to experience the ultrasounds together, and that is courtesy of J's mom. She is a wonderful lady and we are so grateful that she was willing to help in this way.

4. E & O (J's kids). Technically, E & O had no choice in the matter. BUT if they had been different kids that couldn't have adjusted well to all the changes, it probably wouldn't have been possible for J to do all this. I think they have done as well as anyone possibly could at ages 2 and 3 with all that has gone on. I know it would have been even harder on J if they seemed like they were constantly suffering, so I am grateful that they have done so well.

5. Wait for it...THE BABIES! I can't be thankful for the babies before being thankful for all the people who made their very existence possible (J and her family). I just can't believe we will get to meet them soon. I can't wait to touch their little hands and kiss their little cheeks. I'm even looking forward to a poopy diaper or two (but only one or two :). A year ago, I didn't even know if we would ever have kids. My heart was filled with tears for what might never be for us. All the dreams that you have growing up of a family and what it will be like seemed to have been shattered for us and I felt like I was swimming in a sea of disbelief, bitterness, anger, and sadness. Even though we had started talking about surrogacy at this point last year, I certainly didn't assume it would work. It seemed like just another thing to try. That was only one year ago. Today we are on the verge of being blessed with TWO babies and for that we couldn't possibly be more grateful. THANK YOU GOD!

6. B. My husband is the BEST! As cliche as it sounds, we really are best friends. We have certainly had our share of difficulties when struggling through infertility (ahem, after failed cycles) but there was never any doubt that if we had nothing else, we would have each other forever. As much as I tease B about being a brick wall without emotion sometimes, I am grateful that he has been such a rock through all this. One of us had to be. It wasn't me! Even now, as I'm feeling a bit mentally and emotionally spent, he just keeps reminding me of the end goal and telling me, "I can't wait to be parents with you." :)

7. Our families. We are very lucky to have wonderful families on both sides! Our families are both small, but there is a lot of love and support. Nathan and Kenna will be very cherished by everyone and are lucky to be surrounded by so much love.

8. Our friends. I'm so thankful for our wonderful friends, many of whom have been keeping up on the blog, sending emails of encouragement, checking in on the status of J and the babies, etc. Our friends have put the cherry on top of our journey. :)

9. My online friends. This is such an interesting phenomenon with the internet, that you can actually have friends whom you have never met. I have made friends with a lot of ladies over the last couple of years from infertility message boards and we still regularly keep up with each other. They can understand in a way that "regular" friends cannot, and that is a life saver when you are suffering. I can't even imagine going through all those IVFs without the virtual hand holding of all those other ladies in the same situation. And now, with the blog, I have had the opportunity to get to know fellow bloggers in the surrogacy world and it has been a true pleasure. It's not like you meet others involved in surrogacy very easily...if ever. What an awesome opportunity, to meet others in this unique situation online!

10. Our cats. I know, if you're not an animal person, you just don't get it. But our cats are SO important and special to us. When people come over, they just see two cats. We see our fur-babies. We spend so much time loving them, petting them, admiring how cute they are. We love them so much and they are 100% a part of the family and not just pets.

AND A BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS AS THEY COME TO MIND...I'M THANKFUL FOR:

11. People from J's church who have offered to bring over food to J while she is on bedrest.

12. Our church

13. Ample food to eat

14. A home to live in

15. Living in a country where we feel safe and have daily freedom

16. The fact that I don't think I've ever experienced boredom in my life because I have so many interests, hobbies and passions

17. The opportunities I have had to start my own business and work from home

18. The fact that J's insurance covered our surrogacy

19. The fact that B works from home and owns his own business too, so he has had a flexibility that many men don't to attend all the appointments, etc.

20. The opportunity to have visited several locations throughout the world

21. Backpacking

22. Camping

23. Hiking

24. Fishing

25. Mammoth Mountain (that's for you J and C!)

26. The rest of the Sierras

27. The fact that I experienced SCUBA diving a few times before it freaked me out and I decided I probably can't go again

28. The legacy of my grandparents, whom I loved dearly

29. My favorite restaurants: Wahoo's, Souplantation, and Cold Stone Creamery

30. The chance to put Christmas lights outside our house this year

31. Lazy days when B and I get to snuggle and read books with the fireplace on and the cats by our sides

32. Good health...OK, that doesn't belong at 32, but this is in no particular order :)

33. My love of holidays...I literally can get excited at any given time about the next upcoming holiday! I have fun with it!

34. Email...I'm not a phone person at all and email is so much more efficient

35. Our small group that meets weekly from church

36. Animals of all kinds - they make me so happy!

37. Disneyland

38. Big grassy parks

39. Living in a place that is still 80 degrees in November

40. Getting rain this week - a nice change

41. Reese's peanut butter cups, my absolute favorite combination of peanut butter and chocolate

42. The really cute nursery we have set up :)

43. Days when I can take an afternoon nap - I feel so happy when that happens!

44. Being done with Christmas shopping early this year

45. Being ready for the babies so early that I don't have to stress about what is left on the list!

46. B's sweet face in the morning when he is still waking up :)

47. Not working in an office anymore - I love working from home

48. My God-given extreme level of motivation that has carried me in life

49. Enthusiasm to write a book on what to expect for intended mothers...I have the outline already :)

50. A Thanksgiving where I can be thankful for the gift of a double sized family to come soon.

Happy Thanksgiving!

We passed this time!

2008-11-26T21:51:00.001-08:00

For the first time since last Tuesday, we passed the non stress test this morning! There were only a couple of contractions so we didn't need to go for more monitoring. Kenna unfortunately is still head up. J hasn't been feeling any differently, so it seems we are in a holding pattern. I think we might actually make it to 35 weeks (Sunday)! For insurance/financial reasons, we would LOVE to make it to December 1, so hold your breath with us that we get to Monday. It seems like forever away right now, but it's only a few days. I'm getting really anxious for Monday to come because then I can officially hope the babies show up any time. :) Now that the initial shock of pre-term labor has worn off, I feel much more mentally prepared for it to happen at any time. We are READY! I want it to turn Monday and then I want them to come ASAP so J can get off bed rest, which is very tough on her and her family.

Our next appointment isn't until Monday, if we make it that far! We have a regular OB appointment and a separate non-stress test that day. Then Tuesday we have a growth ultrasound. We are so close to hitting our Dec 1 goal...come on Monday!

Very small update

2008-11-25T19:15:00.000-08:00

Since it seemed a couple of days ago that the birth might be imminent, I know a lot of people are probably checking in for updates so I thought I should post. :) Basically, J is holding steady on bed rest. She hasn't had any changes (based on how she is feeling) and is taking it easy. I feel like it might actually be a few days now. It's so weird that you can go from thinking you are having two babies one day to thinking it could be a week or even more a couple of days later! I'm definitely grateful that the babies are getting more time with J, though I hate to see her trapped on bedrest.

I spent the morning watching J's kids and then R (J's husband) came home to work and watched the kids in the afternoon. Watching young kids (2 and 3) makes me realize how little I know about kids and how to play with them. lol It doesn't really come naturally to me like it does for some people (I think B is a natural though!). J was upstairs in bed and I kept thinking that she was probably laughing at it all. :) I know it's different when you raise them from birth though so hopefully I will be a pro like J by that point!

Tomorrow morning is another NST. Hopefully they will just send us home this time so we're not stuck and L&D for monitoring for so long again! (Unless it's the real deal, of course!)

Another trip to labor and delivery

2008-11-24T20:11:00.000-08:00

Well, today was basically a repeat from Friday, so if you would like an update, just go back and re-read that post. :)

We went for the non-stress test again and J was having regular contractions. They weren't consistent, however, like they were Friday. The nurse took the print out of all the contractions to the doctor to review when we were done based on her criteria and she came back and surprisingly said, "OK, the doctor says you are good to go!" I think we both expected they would say we needed to go to labor and delivery again so we asked her some questions about it. She gave us an explanation of why they were going to send us home that ended in "...since you're 36 weeks tomorrow, you just can wait to go into labor." We just turned 34 weeks yesterday! We pointed out the error and she went back to the doctor who THEN said, yes we need to be monitored in that case. So on we went again to labor and delivery.

J was hooked up to the monitors there from 10:30 to about 5. The contractions were pretty frequent, big and consistent, though J wasn't in any pain. Doctors/nurses kept asking if she was in pain given the size of the contractions on the print out and she surprised them every time saying no. They hooked her up to an IV this time but the ongoing fluids really didn't make a difference. They gave her a shot of the medicine to keep the contractions at bay, but that didn't make much of a difference either. Kenna was breech today, so if J really went into active labor, it would have meant a c-section. Given the consistency and size of the contractions we all thought for sure that she would be more dilated when they checked and that would mean heading in for a c-section tonight. Well, they checked her 2 (3?) times today and she hadn't changed at all! She is still at 2-3 cm. So, the contractions are pretty strong, but they are just that - contractions that aren't causing active labor. Because of that, there is no need for an immediate c-section. They also didn't need to keep her there any longer because she wasn't progressing yet. The doctor sent her home with pills to keep contractions down if they get intense. If, after she takes them, the contractions are still painful and intense, then she is to call. So at this point, they are more conservative with when to call since they have monitored her so much already. Even if she hits 6 contractions in an hour, she doesn't need to call unless they FEEL different, since we know that this current level isn't changing her cervix.

One nice thing about today is that our OB was the doctor on call at triage! It was sort of comforting to see her there because she is super nice and I like her a lot. If we were going to have a c-section, it would have been great to have her there to do it. We also figured that since she knows us well at this point, she would be the most likely candidate of anyone to let an extra person in the delivery room. Our OB said she would have J on bedrest to 36 weeks instead of 35 weeks like the other doctor told us. If J is still pregnant when we hit 35 weeks we'll have to figure out whose advice we are to follow. The OB said different doctors have different opinions.

I guess at this point we could realistically go another week or maybe even two. I think there is a decent possibility of making it to next Monday but I can't imagine much more than that given all these contractions. I actually think that J's water will break soon, but that's just a hunch.

Thanks so much for all the kind comments and "hugs" from my last post. It is so nice to know people do understand out there! Today was not as scary because I knew the drill and wasn't in shock. These L&D trips make for long days, but now that I know what to expect and a little more about how labor works, I feel better. My personal hope is to make it to Dec 1 so we are 35 weeks and then not much longer so that J's life doesn't have to be turned upside down much more. It's really a burden to her and her family for her to be on bedrest since she has two small kids to be concerned about. 35 weeks would be a great compromise between the babies being healthier and J not being stuck in bed forever. :) In the meantime, please pray Kenna heads back down again!

We made it to 34 weeks!

2008-11-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

Well, here we are, we made it to 34 weeks and we haven't been back to labor & delivery this weekend. J is having 1-5 contractions per hour still and has not hit the 6 contractions per hour threshold necessary to call and see about going in. So what does this mean? How soon will the babies come? No clue.

We have another routing non-stress test tomorrow and I'm feeling about 90% sure we'll be in the hospital most of the day after. J only felt a small percentage of the contractions she was actually having when she was hooked up to the monitor Friday, so if she is still feeling up to 5 per hour, that means she is likely having more than that. And if she is, they will again send us from the testing area to labor & delivery to be monitored again, check for dilation, etc. I'm holding my breath for what happens from there. If she is dilating more, they will try to stop it most likely by admitting her and giving her stronger medications than the shots they give in the triage. From there, who knows how long she will be in? They may just keep her on hospital bedrest. That would be so hard on J and her family and I dread that outcome. Or, perhaps they will stabilize her and send her home. The next routine test is on Wednesday, and then we would start the process over. I'm not sure why they didn't send her home with pills to relax the contractions, like our fellow blogger Marika has right now. That seems to make the most sense but when J asked about it Friday they just said no, they weren't sending her home with any. I guess I just feel like it's a lot to put J through with all these hours being monitored at L&D, possibly even being admitted, and if that can be mitigated at all with pills at home, why not? I'm not a doctor of course, so maybe there is some obvious reason I just don't know about.

So here we are, sort of in a world of ambiguity. As you all know by now, I don't do well in this world. In fact, if I'm being completely honest, I'm absolutely dreading this week. NOT the actual birth of course, but what I anticipate to be a constant roller coaster. It is SO STRESSFUL. What is more stressful is that I think a lot of people (non-IMs) think, "Why are YOU stressed? You don't even have to give birth! J is the one who should be stressed!" And knowing that people think that stresses me out MORE because it feels like no one understands that it can be really hard to be on this side too, even if you are not giving birth. And OF COURSE J has a lot to be concerned about - good grief, I can't even imagine going through this ambiguity AND having to give birth at the end! That's not my point at all. It's just that it's a unique stress to be on this side that few people can understand. To give you a glimpse (here comes a list!):

1. Because I am very stressed but at the same time feel guilty/embarrassed for being stressed when J is the one who has to give birth, I can't even show completely how I am feeling at any given time because I have to be concerned with not freaking J out, not freaking B out, not freaking the doctors out (in the case that they might let B in the delivery room if we look calm enough), not freaking J's family out when we are at her house, etc. It's SO hard to be feeling this stressed and nervous and have to do your best to keep it on lockdown. The worst part? My version of "lockdown" is still pretty transparent. So as hard as I'm trying, I know everyone around me still thinks I'm a stress case. That's nowhere NEAR what I'm feeling! Which then just leads to more stress and embarrassment. :(

2. Being an IM always means that you don't have the "latest" information on the pregnancy per se because you are not living it. But that takes on a whole new meaning here at the end when your babies could be coming at any time. When people ask for updates now, it's more often than I get them myself, which causes more stress! It would be no big deal if I were the one who was pregnant because I could just, well, update them! But poor J is trying to rest up and she doesn't need to worry about constantly updating me that this hour she had 1 contraction, the next hour was 3, etc. At the end of the day it doesn't much matter until she hits the "magic 6", so our update in most cases is the assumption that nothing has changed because we haven't heard from her. There is absolutely nothing different that J should be doing, it's just the nature of being on this side of the surrogacy. It's just something I have to deal with. But that doesn't mean it isn't stressful. J is doing absolutely everything she can, updating periodically, being on bedrest, following doctors' instructions, etc.

3. I'm really stressed about making sure J is taken care of while on bedrest. She has an amazing family and church family that are all helping out too. People have offered to bring her dinners this week, her husband has offered to work from home part of the time, and we are definitely not "on our own" to care of her and the family. But I still of course feel it is our primary responsibility and it's hard to know exactly what to do! We would of course do anything to make sure J has all she needs and is comfortable. But we also know that it can be difficult to have other people in your house all the time, so I've been looking to J to give us direction on what we can and should do for her. That's hard though, because J is somewhat soft spoken and doesn't want to ask for much, so I'm constantly wondering if we should just jump in and do more because she probably doesn't want to ask, or if we should accept that she is drawing the line for us between her privacy and what she really needs/wants us to do. And then I wonder if there are things we haven't offered/said/done that we should have and just didn't think to because we are thinking about so much at once right now! This is all VERY stressful to me because the last thing in the world that I want is for J to feel like we are not appropriately caring for her needs during this critical time.

4. The babies' health. We are at 34 weeks now and in ALL likelihood they will do just fine. But that is still 6 weeks early. I'm concerned that there will be problems. Even more so than that, I'm concerned that there are problems that we don't even know about (birth defects, etc., unrelated to prematurity) and are days from finding out about. Problems that could flip our lives upside down. Problems that could quickly turn this from a journey of joy to despair. A friend of mine from college had a full term baby a few years back that they had no indication had any problem until the birth. Then they found out about a heart problem and the baby died a week later. The end of the pregnancy could mean the beginning of something horrible. I KNOW, I know, I know, you are all saying, why focus on that rather than that it will likely mean only something wonderful? I guess it's just my personality. I would rather fear the worst, stress about it and be relieved when it doesn't happen than be completely shocked. It's not a conscious decision, it's just what goes on in my head.

5. I worry about the babies turning around, forcing J into a c-section. She knows it could happen and isn't going crazy over it, but we all know it would really, really suck. I know she'll be recovering from birth no matter what, and that is not fun, but it's worse with a c-section. I worry about being in a state of joy and excitement with two new babies and feeling guilt that poor J is at home in pain. I worry about how we can take care of her when we are taking care of two newborns too.

6. You'll all like this one...I worry that I will still worry after the babies are here. :) lol Not about the babies themselves, I know that's natural, but about J and always wondering if we did everything "right" to make this as positive as possible. I worry that there is something that she'll always think back on, like "I still can't believe that they...(something negative)" As you read this post, you can see that 99.9% of my worries are about J. I have to emphasize that that has nothing to do with J herself or what she is doing/saying or not doing/saying. It's the nature of being an IM, and especially an IM who is a type A by nature. Some of it probably has to do specifically with the nature of having a surro who is also a friend, because I care so much about our ongoing relationship.

So there you have it. I know that the actual delivery will be very exciting and a day I will never forget. But I would love to hit fast forward to that time. :)

Holy cow! Trip to Labor and Delivery...

2008-11-21T16:17:00.001-08:00

Things have gone from 0 to 100 really fast! Quick post because my head is spinning...

We went for another non stress test. Last week it was simple, fast and perfect. Today...we ended up in the labor and delivery triage for 6 hours.

J was having contractions frequently and couldn't even feel them. So we had to be moved to labor and delivery. She said last night she woke up and felt a little funny but didn't know what it was. The doctor came and checked her in L&D and she was 2 cm dilated! She has NEVER dilated before water breaking in her past 2 pregnancies. So this was a shock to all of us. We have had no issues at all in this pregnancy and no warning signals lately that we were getting close...AT ALL. (I think those of you reading this agreed since everyone's delivery prediction was mid-December!) To find this out was shocking to say the least. They gave her a shot of the terbutiline (sp?) and it helped but she still had contractions when it wore off. The FFN then came back positive. They said if it was negative they could tell us with 99% certainty they wouldn't be born this week. But if it was positive they said that really didn't mean anything.

They really want us to make it to 35 weeks and will stop labor until then as much as possible. She is on bedrest now for a week and one day to reach that point. I really thought we would easily make it to 36 weeks since all has been so smooth. We'll only be 34 weeks on Sunday (if we get that far!). I'm 1) freaking out that this is actually happening, 2) worried about the babies' health this early, 3) excited. Mostly just in a state of shock. I feel like someone hit me with a stun gun. I can't believe we could be having babies this week. I'm pretty sure we'll hit 34 weeks since that's just the day after tomorrow, but I don't know how much longer after that.

J is doing great. If you can sense my franticness in this post, just know that she is as calm as a snail and is NOT like this. LOL B is a little nervous about the babies' health this early, but is pretty calm too. So, if you're looking for me, I'll just be over here in this little corner freaking out alone. :) But seriously, how can I not freak out and feel emotional about it all? It's been a LONG journey. We could be arriving. It IS emotional. It IS crazy. It IS, it IS, it IS...OMG, I don't know what it IS, but it's a whirlwind!

Feeling Better Today

2008-11-19T14:52:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the comments and emails - I do feel better today. :) Aside from the kind words, two things happened that made me feel better.

First, I was reminded of our pastor's sermon this Sunday, where he emphasized the beliefs-attitudes-behavior chain. If you are not familiar with it, it's something you learn in psychology and marketing classes. Behavior is driven by attitudes, which are driven by beliefs. There is no point in just changing behavior or attitudes, because everything comes from beliefs. I was lying in bed this morning thinking about what that chain looked like for me in the last day. I identified:

Belief - The delivery is probably not going to be exactly how I wish it could be.
Attitude - This really sucks and there will be a black mark forever on what should be the most wonderful possible day.
Behavior - Me sulking and being mentally exhausted stressing about delivery.

While the belief is true in this case, I realized I need to focus on a more positive (and still true) belief that will lead to different behavior:

New Belief - No matter what happens logistically on the delivery day, having two beautiful babies is going to be the most amazing day ever.
New Attitude - Excitement!
Behavior - A new spring in my step this afternoon. :)

I know, I know, I'm overly analytical. But this is the kind of thing that helps me. I have to disect, analyze, and respond. I'm all about frameworks.

So the second thing that happened was kind of weird. I had been taping the show "Bringing Home Baby" (where they track a couple with their newborn in the first 36 hours). I watched several of them but was starting to get tired of it bringing on more feelings of worry or stress, so I canceled the series recording earlier this week. I went to take a break and watch some TV this afternoon (yes, this is rare) and was annoyed to see that my DVR had recorded the show again. As I was about to erase it I noted the title on the one it strangely taped: "A woman's sister is her surrogate." Creepy, huh? I felt compelled to watch right then because of the weirdness. It was amazing. The couple even had twins! I was so gleeful to see this show in a "version" that was mine! They talked some in the episode about using her sister as a surrogate, but once the babies came home the show was pretty much the same as all the others. I started to wonder why they weren't talking more about the surrogacy aspect and then I realized that was exactly the point - once those babies came home, there was no difference in their experience compared to others'. They were "normal parents". And that just emphasized that everything is going to be OK regardless of the delivery logistics.

The Dentist

2008-11-18T15:07:00.001-08:00

On a more positive note, something funny happened this morning.

B and I always go to the dentist together. (That's not the funny part!) We have an appointment scheduled for the first Friday in December and I just don't think we should be an hour away at any time that close to delivery. So, I called to cancel and requested an appointment for the end of January.

Receptionist: "OK, so do you want to come at the same time as usual?"

Me: "Sure, that would be fine."

Receptionist: "OK, I have you down for..."

Me: "Oh wait! We are having twins next month. I guess when we have kids it won't work like that anymore?"

Receptionist (laughing): "No, it is definitely different!"

Me: "OK, better book us separately so someone is at home watching the babies." :)

What a WEIRD thing to get used to thinking about...we can't just leave the house together anymore without taking babies!

Being Different

2008-11-18T13:18:00.000-08:00

(As an aside to this post, we had our first non-stress test today and the babies were...non-stressed! We go back on Friday for the next one. They are twice a week until delivery. The only bad thing is that Kenna has flipped and is no longer head down. Please pray that she will turn over again so we can have a vaginal delivery!)

Today I talked to the social worker at our hospital to "make sure she has received all our legal paperwork". By "make sure she has received all our legal paperwork" I mean "ask yet another person if we will be allowed in the delivery room". :) I didn't want to seem like I was calling just to ask about the delivery so first and foremost I expressed concern that all our paperwork is in order. In the paperwork is the legal judgment that we are the parents of the babies, with instructions on how the birth certificate needs to be filled out. There is a cover letter from our attorney to the social work department requesting that we be allowed in the delivery room, get hospital bands, and generally any other priviledge that a parent would have. Even if we have a vaginal delivery, it will happen in the operating room just in case J has to have a c-section anyway (for one or both). Therein lies the issue - in the OR, there can only be one support person. Our doctors have told us that that is the policy and whether or not policy is bent will depend on the doctor who delivers (whoever is on call at the time). Since I thought that our legal paperwork might make a difference - it's not like J just has a bunch of friends she wants to come in - I decided to call the people who have the paperwork and "gently" bring it up.

I had actually left a message for the person yesterday, so she was calling me back. When I answered she almost immediately let me know she had talked to multiple nurses in labor and delivery and all adamantly said "one person only" - hospital policy. I said, "Oh, OK, that's what our doctor had said, but I thought it might be different once you had our legal paperwork and everything since we are a special situation." She said no, it is hospital policy. I then asked if we would get additional bands (if they are in the NICU) and she said no (this is something else the attorney asked for). She said J would be given two bands and she will decide who to give them to. I sort of felt my heart thud at that moment. I mean, yes, that is factual, and that is what will happen. But I felt so small at that point, hearing through what she was telling me that "you'll get bands if the real mom decides she wants you to have bands". She then proceeded to say that it's not an issue (bands) if the babies aren't in the NICU because the babies will be "in her room and then you will just have to work it out with her"! Heart thud #2. Translation: "It's not up to us if you have access to the babies, if the real mom wants you to see them, she'll work something out with you." I felt 2 inches tall.

Anyone who knows me well knows that in a normal situation I would start up to 120 MPH and tell them exactly how they needed to handle this. But I know I'm on the outside in this situation and I don't want to ruin any small chance that remains by making them hate me. So I politely said, "OK, I understand, we're still excited. Thank you for your time." But rather than hang up, she seemed to feel bad at that point and asked me a couple of questions about them being twins, and commented how exciting that must be. Then we ended the conversation and I have felt sad ever since.

Of course I'm sad about the delivery issue, but honestly I'm more sad about how I was treated, and how I was perceived as almost a burden in the situation. She made me feel like a baby grabber wanting to get my dirty little hands all over our surrogate's babies. It reinforced that I am "different" than most moms. I've always been a pretty normal person (whatever that means). But the last 3 years I have had the experience of being very different. I was different not conceiving naturally, I was different doing fertility treatments, I was different doing surrogacy. Throughout the pregnancy I have embraced the difference. I have told all of our friends and family about it, I have blogged about it, I opened up to strangers about it - all because I want to help educate people about infertility, surrogacy and related issues. I have actually enjoyed this. I feel like a spokesperson for surrogacy sometimes because I have rarely come across anyone who has had any exposure to surrogacy before! But as we get closer to the end, I feel myself longing more and more to be "normal". I've had 3 years of being different, and I have embraced that difference on this journey as much as possible. I'm ready to "just" be a mom now though. I'm ready to be on the other side of delivery, past legal papers, hospital policies, and people who may not get it, to being in the car on the way home for the first time as plain old normal parents. I desperately want that.

This whole thing has made me realize how difficult being different - in any way - is. I am fortunate in that this point of difference does not impact the end goal; my rainbow is different, but my pot of gold is the same as everyone else's. I can hold on to the thought that I am almost to that pot of gold and then will go on with my life. But it makes my heart go out to all those who have "permanent" differences; those who have to fight every day against the world and its perceptions due to disabilities, sexual orientation, or any number of other things. I had two heart thuds in one conversation due to my "difference". Other people have a lifetime of heart thuds from people who don't understand. I support gay marriage in part because I have some very close gay friends and understand the challenges they face. I was talking to someone the other day who said they support gay "unions" but don't want them to use the same definition of marriage ("all the same rights though"). They just want them to be classified differently. That's the problem - they are already classified differently every day of their life. Maybe for once they just want to be classified the same.

It is good to experience "being different" - if more people had that experience, the world would be a far less judgmental place. That said, I still can't wait to be a "normal" mom. :)

The Hospital Bag

2008-11-17T15:36:00.000-08:00

Our hospital bag is all packed. I actually had packed one for the babies a couple of weeks back, but I hadn't packed one for us yet, so I did that today. Then, I decided to go back and recheck the babies' bag to make sure there wasn't anything I was forgetting. The hospital basically says that you hardly need anything at all, and to only pack something to take a baby home in; they provide everything else. But if feels very sparse to just pack a couple of outfits! So, I ended up adding more things to the babies' bag today that I probably won't need, but that made it feel more complete - things like cute burp cloths, blankets and pacifiers.

When I originally packed the bag, it was just another task on my list that I completed and marked off. But when I went back to it today it seemed like a more personal experience because we are so close to the reality of the babies using these things. I had a strange first time feeling of being a mom! Perhaps if you are pregnant you feel like a mom earlier because you are constantly with your baby. Even though I have seen and felt our babies many times, it just doesn't connect with me that I'm a mom. I don't *feel* like a mom. But there was something about preparing the bag with these little personal items today - picking out the perfect first things for our babies - that struck me as mom-ish more so than anything else in the last 8 months. It felt more personal even than preparing the nursery. Maybe it's because it felt more like an every day mom duty (packing a bag of what the babies will need that day) as opposed to one monumental task of a whole "standing" nursery.

The funny thing is, despite this fleeting experience, I am dreading walking into the hospital with the bag! I don't even know how to explain this, but I get really embarrassed in strange ways. In this case, I know I will feel like a fraud carrying a big baby bag into the hospital; I feel like everyone will be looking at me thinking, "That girl doesn't look natural with that bag! She doesn't have a baby!" And how will they know this? They won't. But it's my imagination. I never, ever, ever want to look like I don't know what I am doing. It reminds me of earlier this year when B convinced me to join the gym with him for a couple of months. We went to the gym the first time and all the treadmills were on the upper floor surrounding the lower weight floor, looking down. I was mortified because I didn't know how to use the weights and literally started crying at the gym. This would have never happened if there weren't people around. But I perceived that everyone was looking at me from the upper floor and I called the next day to cancel my membership! When it comes to anything academic or career, I have the confidence to conquer the world. That's just my realm of comfort. The gym and babies - not so much. Even sitting here thinking about it, I am turning red picturing myself walking in with the bag! I'm even embarrassed to have it in front of J & R or our family! What is wrong with me?! LOL It just seems so unnatural that *I* would have a baby bag. I think I'll feel the same the first time I roll out of the house with a stroller. Come to think of it, I think I felt this way the first time I wore a cheerleading outfit to school. I guess any time in life you go "public" in a new role, you feel a bit like this. The hospital bag has come to represent the sign of my new role as a mom. :)

Peri Appointment Update

2008-11-14T14:40:00.000-08:00

We had a great appointment with the peri this morning!

-There are no cervical changes to indicate that we are getting close to labor.

-Our growth ultrasound last Monday (not this week, last week) showed that the babies are 4 lbs 4 oz (Kenna) and 4 lbs 9 oz (Nathan)! I was so excited to hear that because they should be close to 5 pounds already now. The average weight at that point from my books is 3.75 pounds. So they are doing great!

-We saw Nathan breathing again! I asked if it was a problem that we haven't seen Kenna breathe yet and she said that it's not consistent. We've just happened to see Nathan breathe twice.

-I asked what our induction date would be if J doesn't go into labor. Previously they said 38.5 weeks but when I got home and looked at the calendar I realized that was Christmas Eve. So I had been meaning to ask if they would really induce that day or if we could do it a few days prior so J wouldn't be in the hospital. She said that unless there was a medical reason, they would actually induce AFTER Christmas, since induction increases the chance of c-section and we wouldn't want her in the hospital recovering from a c-section on Christmas. It's a good thing that I left all the tags on the various "baby's first Christmas" items we have bought. LOL I guess there is still a chance that the babies' first Christmas will be NEXT year! That said, J had both of her kids a couple of weeks before the due date so we all think they will come naturally, and before Christmas. My guess is 36 weeks 3 days. That is December 10. I don't know why. :) I would love to see your guess if you are a reader! Please comment to this post with your guess of the due date. Even if you don't normally comment, you can post anonymously...just drop in your date guess!

-We start non-stress tests next week, on Tuesday. They are twice per week until the birth (!). On top of that, we still have regular doctor appointments and another growth ultrasound. So we will be at appointments a lot, but it won't be too much longer!

-J looks fantastic! She really is a perfect pregnant person and truly "glows". She looks exactly the same, with no weight gain except in the belly! Check out her blog for a belly pic soon (link to the right)...J, now you have to post it! lol

A year ago this week, and some pictures

2008-11-11T21:32:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here thinking about how fast this pregnancy and surrogacy journey has really gone. I realize that with a singleton pregnancy, the baby might not come for another 8 weeks, but turning 33 weeks this coming Sunday with twins means really something could happen at any time. It doesn't seem sudden, but it does seem amazing to me that it has gone by this fast. That is funny to say at this point, because there was a time between 16-20 weeks where I was having a melt down because I felt like we couldn't possibly ever get to the delivery because time was moving so slowly. But really, after 24 weeks it has just been like lightening. Out of curiosity I looked at my email from a year ago this week - we had just found out that J's insurance would cover the surrogacy! That was a HUGE turning point because I don't think we would have been able to go down this past otherwise; it just would have been cost prohibitive. The doors of possibility were opened just one year ago this week, and here we are now a few weeks out from having two babies. I know there are some people reading this blog who are just starting their surrogacy journies, so I hope that inspires you!

I wanted to share a couple of pictures from our picture session (I have J's permission :).

I really love the following picture because it captures so much of the emotion and spirit of this pregnancy. J looks incredibly peaceful, just as she always does. She has the most gentle and confident spirit as a person and she just exudes that in this picture. She also looks so open with her body language, and that has been a major positive aspect of all this. She has treated the pregnancy all along as though it is completely ours and has never kept it a private thing. No matter how many appointments you go to and how many ultrasounds you see, though, as an "intended mother" you are still "looking on" as I am in this picture. It was actually a little bitter sweet taking this picture at the time because I felt like a forced extension to what was beautiful alone. Looking at the resulting image, though, it is now my favorite one. I think it is a wonderful picture of surrogacy and the surrogate-intended mother relationship!

I love this picture because it shows all of us involved, and at the same time, the focus is on the babies. Oh what work four people can do for that one precious pregnant belly!

Lastly, I love this picture of us with J smooshed in the middle because she is truly the center of the journey. And that heart is not just for the babies, it is for her too. We love J and her family more than words can express.

Baby Care Basics Class

2008-11-07T08:31:00.000-08:00

Last night B and I attended part I of a two part hospital class on "Baby Care Basics". Part I was just sort of an introduction to what your baby goes through in transitioning from the womb to the room (the class teacher absolutely loved saying that rhyme over and over and thought it was very clever). Then we saw a slideshow with pictures from delivery rooms so we could see what babies look like right after birth. It finished with a movie about all the natural instincts newborns have, their various reflexes, abilities, etc.

Although the content was all stuff I had read, it was particularly helpful for me to just have the visuals. I have a LOT of trouble comprehending what it will feel like to have a baby. I don't mean logistically - I know we will figure all that out. I just mean emotionally. I have no idea what to expect to feel like when they hand us two babies!

I think I have mentioned this before, but I am an only child, my mom is an only child and my dad is an only child; I have no siblings, aunts, uncles, or cousins. When I babysat as a teenager, it was for kids 2 and up. I was never around family with babies or friends with babies. By the time we started trying, and then had trouble, our friends started having babies, and I avoided those babies. There could be babies everywhere around me but I would look right between them or above them. And I never held them. I really don't think I have held a baby more than 4 or 5 times in my life. So I can't *conceptualize* what holding my own would be like. I think it is so much easier for most people to think about their baby because they have been around babies a lot and can easily picture what swapping out someone else's for their own would be like. I don't have a "place holder" baby in my head to swap with!

When I think of having a baby, I really think of having a family with kids age 2+! LOL The best way I can think of to explain it is this: Say you really love butterflies. You have seen them quite a bit and think they are beautiful. You can't wait to have one. You envision yourself chasing it around the yard as it flies and looks beautiful. But in reality, you are about to have a caterpillar first...a completely different creature that you know nothing about. Someone is going to hand you a caterpillar to take care of for two years in about 4-5 weeks from now. You aren't really daydreaming about the caterpillar, you daydream about the butterfly. You just don't know WHAT to make of the caterpillar because it is like a foreign creature. That's how I feel right now. :) (Of course I know we will adore our caterpillars, it's just a big unknown territory for both of us right now!)

Nursery Pics!

2008-11-05T11:00:00.001-08:00

God, Infertility, Faith, and Prayer

2008-11-03T20:21:00.000-08:00

Wow, I think I just undertook a big post with a title like that. :)

I have been a Christian my whole life. I was raised in a Christian home, later accepted Christ and got baptized by my choice, married a Christian man, and actively work to grow as a Christian woman through reading the Bible, going to church and praying. That said, faith has never come easily for me. On a spectrum from completely right brained to completely left brained, I am about as far on the left brain analytical end as humanly possible. I want things to line up perfectly. I want logic to work everything out. I love intellectual pursuits for the purpose of a more perfect understanding of the things that interest me. No matter how much I study over the course of my life, however, I will never figure out with 100% certainty how God works, or understand the answers to many questions I have about my own faith. There is simply a lot we do not know, and for whatever reason that must have been how it was intended or we would have been given more instruction on the fine details of this world. Honestly, I really hate that! I WANT all the answers, and my analytical nature is a stumbling block to my faith. Over the course of the battle with infertility I had reason to really question things even more. It was a trying time for my faith, for sure, pushing my questioning to the farthest boundaries. I can unequivocally say that I am more solid in my faith now than ever before, thanks to the struggles I have been through. For that, I am grateful. But I certainly still have plenty of questions. Here are some of the things I have pondered especially, some of the things I have learned, and some of the things I still struggle with. There is no particular order.

Why Me?/Life is Unfair
I don't know if an infertile person has ever walked the earth who didn't at any point in the battle ask, "why me?" Rarely does someone start to try to conceive thinking, "man, I really think it is going to take years for this to happen, thousands of dollars, and many procedures". So, when it happens to you, the first thought is WHY? For Christians, this can take on even more painful implications, depending on your view of God and His sovereignty. Without getting into a deep theology here, let me just say that people have varying views on God's level of involvement in the world. There are Christians who think that God is responsible for everything that happens on earth - that even when terrible things happen, it is all part of His plan and for a reason. This is the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy. On the other end of the spectrum, there are Christians who think that God set the world in motion and still has relationship with people, but rarely intervenes; this is the "bad things happen in the world due to the presence of sin, but God didn't necessarily cause them" philosophy. Then you have everything in the middle.

If you believe that there is truly a reason for everything, the why me question looms like a mountain burden. Every time you see someone who is pregnant, you think, "why did God bless her with a baby and not me?" Or worse, when you see someone who is pregnant and really shouldn't be having kids for various reasons, you think, "what is God finding so wrong with me that even THAT person is able to have a baby?" It feels as though God is singling you out to miss out on one of life's most precious gifts. It can completely lead you to feel like a worthless person; you must be such a terrible person that God would rather have just about everyone else out there reproduce than you. Reproduction is at the core of female desire; to feel like God is actively deciding that you should not have a baby is a life-shattering feeling. Thought of purely in this view, the outcome is extreme sadness and grief. Extending it a little further, it becomes extreme anger at the unfairness. I have seen many discussion on message boards over the years about the "why me" question and it is the number one thing that leads so many women battling infertility to give up on their faith. It seems too impossible to imagine that God would not grant you something you so desperately want when there seem to be people all around you who should not have it but do.

For me personally, I have never been an "everything happens for a reason" person. I believe that God is active in the world, intervening in various ways (see below on a discussion of prayer), but I do not believe that He is guiding every thing that happens. I was born with endometriosis. I don't think God singled me out for that. It's just the nature of this existence that there is sickness and imperfection, and we all suffer in our own ways - some to a greater degree than others. Because of this view, I never thought God had singled me out for infertility. But because I believe in prayer, I thought God was actively turning away from me when I didn't get pregnant. The other view of God's sovereignty I described above leads to a sad response - why would God do this to me in the first place? This view of God's sovereignty leads to bitterness - why won't God change this, even though he didn't do it in the first place? It's sort of an interesting analysis if you think about it. You can almost always look at the emotion someone has toward God during infertility and guess what their view of God's sovereignty is. Different emotions come from different theological premises.

My bitterness completely consumed me while I was going through all the IVFs. While crying and crying over failed cycles, I just kept sobbing to B, "but why does so and so get to have a baby? and what about so and so?" etc. I was very much focused on comparing myself to others because I just couldn't believe that God wouldn't "lift me to their level" of having a baby. I was a good person. I was a Christian. I prayed. I helped others. Why wouldn't he give me a baby too?

I came away with two major insights/learnings on this issue. First, to ever think "why me" on any issue is quite arrogant. Totally natural, totally understandable, but totally arrogant. Who was I to think that I somehow HAD to be given what other people were given? God loves everyone equally, and there is no reason at all that we all need to have equal situations for Him to do so. He loves us the same no matter our situation, so he doesn't need to take any particular action to "make us more equal". The second thing is the flip side to the question: "Why NOT me?" When bad things happen, we are quick to ask, why me? But when we see the hurt and suffering in the world around us, we are not quick to ask, "why is that NOT happening to me?" It's just as unfair that people are starving and I'm not as it is that I could not have a baby and others can. We just like to be on the positive side of the equation.

God's Timing
There are plenty of Christians who don't believe in fertility treatments because they believe you should just wait on God's timing. This is a really difficult thing for people going through infertility to hear. It is usually said when the person doesn't understand the medical issues involved. Interestingly, this one comes back to one's view of God's sovereignty as well. If you believe that God directs every aspect of your life, then it would make sense to wait on God's timing for your pregnancy. I have read SO many frustrated message board posts on this topic - Christians waiting on God's timing and refusing to do any form of treatment. I respect people who make this decision because it takes an enormous amount of faith and can lead to a lot of pain in questioning God as well.

I personally didn't struggle much on this particular issue, given my view on God's sovereignty. I believe that God gave us the tools in this world to do the best we can, as long as it is in a moral and ethical way. When we have a cut that gets infected, we do something about it...we generally don't wait on God's timing for the infection to go away. We go to the doctor. When I had a laparoscopy, the doctor said that my ovaries were literally attached to the back of my uterus with my tubes wrapped around them. While I believe that God is capable of anything, and could have fixed that simply by prayer if He chose, I believe He works just as much through the capable hands of doctors to fix this kind of thing. No matter how long I would have been waiting for God's timing, it was physically impossible for me to get pregnant naturally. Again, miracles are always possible, but I believe they are the exception rather than the rule, and that we have been giving tools on earth to be proactive with. I have a cousin who died of cancer because she refused treatment, saying that she was going to wait for God to heal her. I just don't think that is what He intended.

When people mention God's timing, I give them this analogy: if I have an amputated leg, no amount of waiting longer is going to make that leg grow back. God created the laws of the universe and we live within them. Infertility is no different in that it is a medical problem and some things need to be fixed. God is capable of working miracles at any time, but it is His choice when that will happen and in the meantime we need to work with what He has given us. At the end of the day, if you really ARE scooping God's timing, God is more powerful than you and can stop anything from going forward at any time. If you went ahead of God's timing and did a treatment that He doesn't want to work yet, He is entirely capable of ensuring it doesn't work!

Trust in God

It is a standard Christian phrase to tell people "just trust in the Lord". This is one I really struggle with. When I hear people say that they are waiting to get pregnant and they trust in the Lord that they will, to be honest I'm not sure what to think. People on message boards have blinkies that say "The Lord keeps his promises". Yes, the Lord keeps his promises, but he never promised that Christians (or anyone else) will have a perfect life, that he will answer every prayer in the way you think it should be answered, or that every person will have biological children. That just isn't Biblical. When people say they trust in the Lord that they will get pregnant, it leaves me confused. I know the Bible tells us to make our desires known to God and to believe that He will answer prayers, but at the same time He doesn't guarantee that his answer to prayer is the one you want - for whatever reason. People used to tell me to trust in the Lord that everything will work out. But what does that mean? That everything will work out the way I desperately desire? That everything will work out one way or another (that's not very inspiring)? That everything will work out according to his plan, which must be perfect by definition (that only works if you have a micro-view of God's sovereignty, which I do not, as discussed above)? If you do not believe that God orchestrates everything that happens in the world, and you do not believe that God answers every prayer the way people want, what does that leave that you are trusting in? I have pondered this a lot given how frequenty it comes up. I've come to the conclusion that either 1) the person saying it does believe that everything happens according to God's plan and that whatever happens is for the best because that is how God planned it (so you theoretically are trusting in the best outcome even if it's not what you want) or 2) the person saying it isn't really thinking about what they are saying or 3) the person is saying that no matter what happens in this life, trust that God has a master plan and in eternity this will all make sense. This manifests itself in many different ways, but I now interpret it personally as number 3. Trusting in God to me means exactly that. We need to trust God for the big picture, but it isn't necessarily Biblical to "trust in God" for specific outcomes. I think that connotation is used in far too many contexts without people really thinking through the implications of it.

This macro view has actually helped me have a different outlook on the world; one more focused on eternity as a whole rather than just this life. We do not have reasons or explanations for most of the sheer "crap" that happens on earth. But the Bible tells us of a perfect eternity after this life and if you are led to believe in God and in the Bible, we can trust very specifically in that.

Healing

We go to a "mega church" as they are called now - about 12,000 people attend one of 5 services (here is our church if you are curious: http://www.marinerschurch.org/). Our church has periodic healing services. To be honest, I didn't know what to think of that when they said we would be having one. The church I grew up in didn't do anything like that, and was just sort of a "laid back" non-demoninational congregation. Quite honestly, the idea of even seeing a healing service intimidated me because I thought of the big tents that a church in my hometown used to put up every year and I always had a negative view of that. I pictured people on TV throwing the palms of their hands against someone's forehead and then that person tumbling to the ground shaking. (I don't want to judge the authenticity of that, but I'm just saying I have always been uncomfortable with the notion.)

When the first healing service Sunday came, I almost felt nauseated walking in. First, because I was uncomfortable with the idea, second, because I knew we had a legitimate reason to go forward and I didn't know what we would do. When that part of the service started, it was much less dramatic than what I expected. They just had several groups of people at the front of the church, and if you needed/wanted prayer for healing, you could join the line up and when you got to the front, you would be directed to someone to pray with you. Really, it was just a time for the church body as a whole to be invited for healing prayer. Now, don't get me wrong, I was still terrified to go forward, but as the streams of people started going down, I knew we belonged there too. B is just as reserved as I am about this kind of thing, so when I say it was a huge deal that we got up and joined the line, it was a HUGE DEAL. It was such an emotional moment that we both cried and held each other as we stood in line and waited to get to the front. I was so nervous to tell someone what was going on. We were just about to start our first IVF. I prayed the whole time in line that we would be called up to one specific pastor because he was the only person up there I was familiar with (though we hadn't met). I felt like God answered that prayer because, of all the many people at the front, when we got there, they directed us straight to him. We cried as we recounted what brought us there and he prayed with us. It was a difficult but special moment. It was the most humbling thing I have ever done in my entire life. To admit that something is so wrong, so troubling that you need someone to pray over you in the hope that God will bring healing is very, very humbling...and also very freeing.

I felt that because we had done something so significant at the service, and we were doing our first IVF, God was going to answer our prayers and give me a "healing service miracle" I would never forget. I thought that this was what God was going to use to "prove" to me He was there and that my faith in Him was correct. I'll admit, when the IVF failed, one of the first things that came to mind is that we were NOT healed at that service. I felt stupid.

A few months later, there was another service. More nausea because this time I didn't even know if it made sense for us to go up. We went before. We asked for healing. We were not healed. But then they played a video about someone who went up for multiple healing services and we decided to go again. It was less scary that time, knowing what to expect. But I also wasn't sure what to ask for at that point. I again prayed in the line, this time that we would just get someone who would truly, truly understand our situation. I just wanted someone to relate to us. When we got to the front, we were directed to a middle-aged couple. We started telling our story and why we were there and tears came to both of their eyes...they shared that they had gone through the same thing years before and had 12 year old triplets through infertility treatments. It sent chills through my body, as it does right now thinking about it, given my prayer in line. It was so comforting to know that of ALL the many people praying in the front, God wanted me to know that He was there, and He knew what we needed at that point in time.

An atheist would read this and say, "God never healed you! How can you believe?" Here is what I would say based on what I have learned. There are many ways a person can be healed. I have no idea why God did not want to heal me directly. I have no doubt in my mind that J and I were put together in this surrogacy as God's answer to our prayers. Why would He choose to heal our situation in this way and not just heal me directly? I really don't know. Perhaps being pregnant would have been life threatening to me - just as one possible reason of many. But God did heal us - he healed our hearts by answering our prayers through J. Why doesn't God heal everyone then? Why doesn't he answer all prayers? That's my last topic.

Unanswered Prayers

This is, by far, the most difficult thing for me. I know that God doesn't answer every prayer. Sometimes there are obvious reasons. If someone complains that God didn't give them a million dollars as they prayed for it, I understand why. If I pray that God help me find my misplaced camera and I never find it, I understand that maybe it's just a trivial thing that is not meant for prayer. But why God chooses to answer some prayers and not others, when all else is equal, is baffling. It's hard. It challenges me.

I still get wrapped up in reading other people's IVF journies. My heart is pained for people who are still in the midst of the battle. I know that some will ultimately be successful and others will not. I know that people on both sides of that outcome are currently praying about it. But I don't know why God will answer some and not others.

Here is what I do know about our answered prayer: I did not deserve it. I did nothing, absolutely nothing, that made me more deserving of an answered prayer than anyone else. I did not pray better, trust better, give to charity better, live better than many of those who will not have an answered prayer in this matter. Talk about the question, "why me?"...I really wonder, "why me?" in this case. I know it wasn't for my gold star faith; the night before we found out we were pregnant I wrote the most scathing and angry personal journal entry directed at God, thinking that the cycle didn't work. I certainly didn't "deserve" to get a positive test the next day through J. This I know for certain: it is only through God's grace and not through anything which I deserve that this prayer was answered. He answered my prayers in spite of me, not because of me. That may be the biggest lesson of all for my life. Prayer is not about what you deserve. You may deserve something you never receive, and you may receive something you never deserved. God chooses to answer some prayers and not others, but it is by HIS choice and His reasons are not our reasons. We simply will not know in this life the whys behind all of His answers. It will be baffling at times, devastating at times, joyful at times.

When I found out that J had gotten a positive test for the first time, it was via email at about 6:30 in the morning, in a very silent living room. But in that quiet moment I felt God's presence more than any time in my life. I literally felt surrounded by a joyful presence in the room, as if He was standing there smiling; as if he was celebrating the answered prayer with me. I almost expected to see something, the feeling was so strong. God must delight in answered prayers.

Based on this whole experience, I will never have any doubt that this pregnancy was an answered prayer. I will just never know, "why me?"

November 1!

2008-11-01T09:33:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited this morning that it is November 1! That means we can now say (God willing) we'll have two babies next month!

I am proud, happy and relieved to say that I have also scratched the absolute last thing off my baby to do list as of October 31 so I could enter November much more relaxed. I have been working down the task list for about 2 months and never thought it would end. Yesterday I hung the last thing on the nursery wall, put the batteries in all the toys/bouncers/etc., and voila! These two little babies can arrive any time now and I would feel ready. (Ready with the things I felt needed to be done before they came...not ready for what comes after. :)

B actually still needs to put car seats in, but I don't count that because it wasn't on MY list. In November I will be focused on wrapping up some last items for work, Christmas shopping/wrapping and helping J with what she needs. It feels grrrr-eat to know that my list is complete. There were many things I had hoped to finish before they came that won't get done for me personally but I have finished everything that needed to be done for THEM and that's what is of highest importance right now.

I feel a LOT less anxiety now, which has given way to a lot more excitement. I can hardly contain myself this morning!!!! Nursery pictures to come soon!

I can't wait for NEXT Halloween!

2008-10-31T09:23:00.001-07:00

I LOVE Halloween! I know there is a "bad" side to Halloween, but I just love the idea of dressing kids up, going out in the crisp fall air and feeling part of a big fun party with everyone roaming the streets. It was one of my favorite things growing up. The last couple of Halloweens weren't so great though, thinking that we would never have kids to dress up ourselves. I just want to say that THIS Halloween, however, is a:

A really cool sight

2008-10-30T15:53:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention something really neat we saw today for the first time - the babies were breathing! Normally you see the heartbeat and the babies squirming around, but this time they are far enough along that they are actually breathing in there strongly enough we could watch! It was amazing to see the inhale/exhale. What an incredible sight!

OB Appointment

2008-10-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

We had a glowing OB appointment this morning! Our OB was particularly exhuberant about everything, and I felt particularly exhuberant afterwards!

J has been doing so incredibly well that everyone, even the OB, is excited right now. :) First off, J is a tough cookie to begin with, so she makes it all look easy. I know if I were pregnant I would be a big pain in the butt, constantly freaking out about everything. J is so laid back, it's amazing. She isn't even nervous about the birth! I think even if I had given birth 22 times, I would be nervous! Her attitude about everything is just incredible. She couldn't be a more perfect balance to my type A, freak-out-over-everything personality. I have promised myself, her and B that I will be good and only mentally freak out at the delivery. :)

Aside from J's overall attitude, we have been so blessed and fortunate to have had a medically straight forward pregnancy. With the exception of the one little bleeding scare back around 14 weeks, we simply have not had any problems. As I've mentioned before, I am part of a couple of different message boards for pregnant women. One in particular has a group of women due within a couple of weeks of us with twins. Almost all of them have been to the hospital more than a few times already for various issues - pre term labor, placenta issues, gestational diabetes, growth discordance, etc. Twin pregnancies are generally more complicated. Knock on wood, but we haven't had any of these problems, and J hasn't even been put on bedrest! Our OB told us in the beginning she would probably have to go on bed rest around the third trimester. So far, there has been no need for it.

And the last thing is that the twins are still head down. J really wants a vaginal birth and we really want whatever she wants...so we all really want a vaginal birth. :) The doctor will only recommend it if both twins are head down so we are all watching this closely. They can still flip, but so far they have remained this way for a few weeks.

We are on a great track in all ways and I just pray that everything continues like this for at least 4 more weeks...the doctor said if we hit 35 weeks, we will be in great shape, and there is nothing to suggest at this point that we won't. I know things can change at any moment, but for right now I'm feeling great about our chances of the babies staying in until 35 weeks plus.

J, you are doing amazing!

Upcoming appointments

2008-10-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

A few weeks back I posted our jam-packed baby calendar. We have a lot behind us now, but still several things coming up. Here is the latest look:

Tonight - Baby CPR/Safety class
Tomorrow - Regular OB appointment
Monday Nov 3 - Growth ultrasound
Thurs Nov 6 - Baby Care Basics class part I
Thurs Nov 13 - Baby Care Basics class part II
Fri Nov 14 - Regular Peri appointment
Ongoing - Tons and tons of excitement at how close we are!!!! :)

Push Gifts

2008-10-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

I'll admit, I had never heard of this until I saw a message board post recently. Do you know what a push gift is? This is supposed to be a nice gift from a new dad to a new mom to "thank her" for the pregnancy and delivery. To be honest, that sounds like a Hallmark creation. I'm definitely not into that kind of forced sentiment...normally. But when I saw people talking about push gifts online it suddenly struck a chord of inadequacy for me.

Most husbands are thanking their wives for doing the most amazing thing possible for them...bringing new life into the world. Technically, I don't qualify for any kind of thank you gift for our twins. I'm not pushing them out. I didn't carry them for nine months. I didn't weather aches, pains, morning sickness and bleeding scares. Thinking about this left me feeling like a pretty inadequate wife. I've not really felt inadequate during the pregnancy because I always thought in terms of myself as a person in general, and I don't feel inadequate in terms of a person in general. But, I had never really considered how I felt as a wife being inadequate with respect to her husband. I know with absolute certainty that B doesn't see it that way, but reading about all this push gift stuff suddenly stung me a little.

And then my thought process turned into a little pride...because deep down I *know* how much I have gone through for us - even if I never carried the babies. For the record I:

--Gave myself over 400 shots in the course of 6 grueling IVF cycles and two years
--Underwent a painful laparoscopy surgery
--Underwent anesthesia for 5 egg retrievals
--Underwent 5 miserable embryo transfers (unlike everyone else, mine are painful because I have a crooked cervix)
--Went to countless doctor appointments for monitoring and consultations
--Went through so many ultrasounds that as long as someone is wearing a stethoscope I don't even think twice before putting my feet in stirrups
--Researched hours upon hours upon hours to learn about treatment options and diagnoses
--Handled every logistical detail of all our cycles - not a small feat
--Took on 98% of the emotional burden related to all of the above simply because I was the one going through it all.

Had I not had the tenacity to go through the insanity of the above, we wouldn't have gotten to the point of surrogacy and we wouldn't have gotten to the point of our babies. I don't know where we would be, but it wouldn't be here. I have been driving this infertility bus, and although I have driven like a maniac at times, I have driven. It has been my life for three years and I have put my heart and soul into figuring out how to bring these babies into existence, even if I am not carrying.

So there, I DO have something to proud of!! I don't think anything could possibly stand up to actually going through pregnancy and delivery, but I'm proud of what I *was* able to do.

B, I will gladly accept a thank-you-for-everything-you-did-to-even-get-us-to-this-point-I-acknowledge-and-love-you-for-all-you-have-done gift. :)

Incidentally, I asked B the other day if he had heard of push gifts.

B: "Oh yeah!"

N: "REALLY? YOU have heard of this?"

B: "Yeah, like on that website where you push something you didn't want to someone else who really wants it."

LOL, LOL, LOL I guess our babies are a "push gift" from J to us!

The legacy of my grandparents

2008-10-27T18:07:00.000-07:00

Today is my grandpa's birthday; he would have been 86 years old. Grandpa passed away 6 years ago, though it feels like much longer because I miss him so much. I was extremely close to both of my grandparents and miss them dearly. There is a profound sense of loss in my heart to not have them here anymore, especially because they will never meet Nathan and Kenna. Somehow, after 6 years without grandpa and 1 year without grandma, I haven't gotten to that point of being able to remember them with joy and not sadness. I can't think of them without crying. But, as I think about grandpa today, I realize more than ever that he would not have wanted me to feel this way. He and grandma made such an enormous impact on my life, that to only find tears with their memory is almost a discredit to the joyful relationship we had. I can almost hear grandpa telling me, "Baby, you knew we couldn't be here forever! You just focus on enjoying these babies and keep going with your life." Grandma would have said the same. They always called me "baby" and I always felt like an infant protected by their never ending love.

In honor of grandpa's birthday, I want to take the time to list some ways that he and grandma will have impacted Nathan and Kenna's lives, through their impact on me. Grandpa and grandma may not be here physically anymore, but their memory and legacy will live on even through two little people they will never have met.

We will raise Nathan and Kenna to love and embrace the outdoors. Hiking, camping, backpacking and snowboarding have been a special part of our marriage, and I credit that directly to my grandparents. They took me on many RV trips to lakes, mountains and rivers and gave me so many opportunities to enjoy the outdoors. I have to say most women don't love these things, and I feel lucky that my grandparents gave me this joy. B liked the outdoors but didn't have a super outdoorsy family so when we got together it became a special part of us. Here is my all time favorite picture of me and grandpa. It just summarizes my memories so well. Grandpa was concentrating on getting the fish to bite (hence the stern look) and I was just thrilled to be on the boat. I have that fishing pole still and it is my most prized possession from grandpa:

We will raise Nathan and Kenna to have a strong appreciation for hard work. Both of my grandparents grew up extremely poor and worked very hard their whole lives. Grandma worked multiple jobs while grandpa worked very long days as a machinest. There were times that even food was scarce. Times were so much more difficult then. My grandpa once said that rich people either inherited it or stole it. I don't agree with that, but I understand where he was coming from; he had worked so hard his whole life and never had the chance to make more than enough to sustain his family given the circumstances. When grandpa and grandma would tell certain stories of their lives and childhoods, even grandpa would get a little teary eyed (that is saying a lot, he was a very strong man). I will never let our kids grow up without an understanding of hard work and that they must earn their way in life. Here is a picture of my grandma as a baby (she is the one being held). She literally grew up in a log cabin and this is the only picture of her before she was a teenager. There was a wealthy man who came through rural Missouri that day and offered to take pictures of the people who had no means. What an amazing gift he gave to our family. I wish I knew who it was. Isn't this picture incredible? (1925)

Grandpa and grandma exuded generosity, despite not having a lot of means. No matter how much they had or didn't have, they would open their home to anyone. They helped me many times. They bought me my first car. They knew that I was working hard at my first job but that I could never have saved enough to buy transportation, so one day grandpa pulled up with a car they had found for me. When I was taking violin lessons, grandpa and grandma bought me a violin to use as long as I was still practicing on the right schedule. When I would come home from college (a 7 hour drive), grandpa would tuck a $20 bill into my pocket on my way out to help with gas money. Grandpa and grandma tought me the value of generosity and that it isn't about monetary value, it is about the heart. This is an important value that I want to pass to our children.

Grandpa and grandma loved animals. B and I both love animals too. I want to pass down that appreciation to our children. My grandparents did a lot of farming and raised lots of animals. Here is another favorite picture of grandpa from their farm in Kansas. Doesn't it look like a picture from a 1950s calendar?

Grandpa was practical, smart, and quick witted. Grandma was a woman of tremendous faith, strength and compassion. These are all traits I wish for our children.

Grandma taught me how to make homemade noodles and they have been my favorite since I was a child. I can't wait to pass this on to Kenna!

There aren't enough hours in the day to recount all of the values and experiences that my grandparents gave me which I hope to pass on to our children. Their legacy is a rich one. Since it is grandpa's birthday, I will end with a story showing one special trait of his - a complete selflessness. In grandpa's last 3-4 years, he was quite ill. He had lung troubles and heart troubles. He was in and out of the hospital. It was very scary and every time the phone rang I was afraid of the worst during that time. But toward the end it became especially apparent that he did not have much longer to live. We drove out to Arizona to see him. My mom warned me he was in bad shape, but I will never forget my shock in walking into his bedroom and seeing him in a hospital bed they had rented, unable to sit up. He may have been weak in the past but nothing like that. I knew I had to be strong for grandpa and fought the tears as I walked over to him with a forced joyful "hi grandpa!" He looked so feable and I knew he didn't have much time left. Later that day I was in the room sitting next to grandpa's bed, holding his hand as we talked. I think we both knew it would be one of the last times. Though I managed to fight the tears back, I'm sure he knew how much I was hurting, but he didn't want me to hurt for him. He didn't want anyone to hurt for him. I will never forget what he said at the end of that conversation: "One of these days soon you and I are going to have to go fishing. We'll go up to the lake and take some poles and..." He and I both knew that we would never go fishing again. But he didn't want me to be sad and think that whole time that this was the end. He wanted for me to believe he was going to be OK so it wouldn't hurt so much. He didn't want me to worry about him, he just wanted me to think about fishing as we had done so many times before.

Happy birthday grandpa. You and I didn't get to go fishing again, but I know that when B and I take our children fishing, you will be right there with us.

Morning Butterflies

2008-10-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we will be 30 weeks. There is something about that number that seems like a major turning point. With a singleton pregnancy, a baby can be expected to go to 40 weeks if he/she goes all the way. With twin pregnancies, there is so much more variation. Realistically, they can come anywhere between 30 and 38 weeks (38 weeks is the limit because doctors will induce at that point). They can of course come even earlier, but that is less common.

When twins come, it can be very fast and unexpected. So far, we have had no indication that we are at "risk" for a significantly pre-term delivery. J has been having a picture perfect pregnancy for the most part and we haven't had any trips to labor and delivery yet for pre-term labor or anything of the sort. In some of the groups I follow on pregnancy message boards for twins, just about everyone at this point has been to the hospital for one reason or another. J has regular braxton hicks (contractions that don't lead to pre-term labor), but every time we go to the doctor they check her out and her cervix remains perfectly fine. So far, we have every reason to believe that the babies will stay in there another few weeks. But, I know that can change on a dime with twins. So now that we are at 30 weeks, I'm very, very nervous!

Actually, I've been nervous for the last couple of weeks because when we hit 28 weeks, I realized we were two weeks from the 30 week turning point, and I felt the same. :) Ever since that point I wake up every single morning with butterflies in my stomach, at 7-7:15. I can't go back to sleep. I wake up, feel that sensation of nerves and lie there unable to do anything but think through the remaining nursery items to get, remaining nursery tasks, analyzing how many weeks before I think they will come, etc. To put it simply, I am a basket of nerves right now! I've also started worrying about whether or not the babies will be healthy and if they have any problems that didn't show up on the ultrasound. I haven't worried much about that along the way but now that they are so close to coming, I worry that we are so close to finding out that something is wrong. My head feels like it is in a whirlwind constantly. When I get out of bed into the shower I have so many thoughts spinning that I have felt like my head is going to explode! I have to consciously tell myself to stop and think about something different. Or pray instead.

Being an "intended mother" waiting for a baby via surrogacy I do think lends itself to particular nerves in this way. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I am a worrier by nature and worry more than the average person. But I bet on top of that, that intended mothers feel a heightened level of stress in the final weeks, more so than others. You are always "out of control" during the pregnancy, so it is a feeling you become accustomed to. But in the final weeks you really feel more in the dark. For all I know, J could have woken up this morning and found that her contractions have doubled and she is counting them as I type this for another hour before deciding we need to go to the ER. For all I know, J could have woken up this morning and felt just a bit different than the day before without really knowing why but not something specific enough to warrant a doctor's visit yet...and it could mean pre term labor is coming soon. Don't get me wrong, if something were happening for sure, J would let me know. But pregnancy is filled with aches, pains, inconsistent sensations, etc., and I would never expect J to tell me every little thing. She would go crazy having to do that and I would go crazy with worry over it. So, when you are an intended mother, you basically put your surro in the driver's seat with respect to making those decisions. And I trust J 100%. No question. What I'm saying is that I never know if I am 5 minutes away from a call or email letting me know that something IS happening. J will always know first, and I will always know second (or third), and that's just the nature of the situation. I'm constantly wondering if something just happened that I am about to find out about. Technically, a pregnant woman would be in the same situation because she never knows what is about to happen, but it is worse being two people removed from it!

This was the case a lot earlier on when I was really worried about losing the pregnancy too. After the first trimester and up until now I didn't worry so much. But that is returning now because I'm just so nervous that everything will go fine and we will actually end up with two healthy babies. One of the things I mentioned in an earlier post about what we miss out on with surrogacy is the "constant access to 'data'"...if I were pregnant right now, I could be more at peace because every morning I could wake up and know immediately, at any given time, how I was feeling, if the babies were active, if everything seems normal, etc. Sure, by default, I have to assume all is well when I'm not hearing things are not well, but like I said, I'm always wondering if I'm a call or email away from getting some not-so-good news.

There's really no remedy for this, it's the nature of pregnancy and the nature of being an intended mom. It's nothing J is or isn't doing. It's just my reaction to the situation. Ironically, that's the only thing I do have control over - my reaction to the situation. I have been trying to calm down but it's very hard right now. Truth be told, I'm actually looking forward to being exhausted after they come because it will mean that these constant nerves will give way to excitement and fatigue. No matter how tired I am, it has to be better than the constant butterfly feelings in my stomach right now. :)

Deleted Posts

2008-10-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

Due to a couple of blog comments from people whom I don't know re: my adoption posts, I have decided to take them down. When I started this blog, I decided to keep it publicly available so that anyone interested in surrogacy could find it. However, this also means that posts get picked up by search engines, etc., and people can arrive at your blog for very random reasons (other than following your story). My fear is that a lot of people searching on adoption will end up here over time and I will have to explain my adoption feelings 5000 times to upset birth moms who think I don't understand. (Yes, I could just ignore the comments theoretically but that's almost impossible when you disagree fervently with someone.) It was a bit difficult to understand where these two very upset people were coming from until I googled the profile name of one (the other posted as anonymous, of course). This person (who is a birth mom) apparently has some very strong negative feelings about surrogacy. Some comments I found from her online:

"Paid surrogacy is immoral"
"Those from the US (and similarly in western Europe) utilizing these services are turning their back on more than a hundred thousand children in foster care in order to create a child "of their own."

Where do you even start with educating a person on issues like this? While it is tempting, I will not engage in debate here. I found the blog of this person and she is a very angry anti-adoptionist who believes she has "lost her child due to to the multi-billion dollar adoption industry". That pretty much explains it.

This is a joyful place for me to celebrate our babies, to talk about our surrogacy, and occasionally some things off topic. I do not desire to engage in debates. But it sure does make me want to write a book...:)

The Baby Shower!

2008-10-20T17:24:00.000-07:00

Wow! Where do I begin? The baby shower was on Saturday and it was amazing! It was such an honor to be surrounded by friends and family who cared enough to take hours out of their busy schedule to come and help celebrate the twins. I have to admit I was quite nervous about the whole thing leading up to it. I have absolutely no problem being in front of lots and lots of people for professional reasons (e.g., a speech), but the thought of 20+ people taking time out of their day just for me, bringing gifts for our future children, and watching me open everything was a little intimidating. When my mother in law walked in, one of the first things she said was, "Are you overwhelmed?" I replied, "Yes!" and she said, "I can see it in your eyes!" LOL So, yes, I was a bit stressed at first. :)

There were five people on the "planning committee" and they did an amazing job, down to every detail. The theme was "two peas in a pod" and it so cute! There were peapod nametags, handmade peapod cookie party favors, a peapod cake, peapod plates and napkins, peapod prize bags, and peapod invitations. We received many wonderful gifts that will be immensely helpful to us in getting ready for the babies. Several people even made things! We received about 1,000 diapers from the diaper raffle, which by my estimations should last 2+ months. :)

I got all teary on a few occasions, which was quite embarrassing, but I know people understood. There were a lot of teary people in the room after I played a little movie I made. I wanted to put something together to show our ultrasound photos, so I made my first ever slideshow. I added transition slides for each week they were taken at. Unfortunately, the printing looked too small on our TV so not everyone could see it. When we got to the first slide everyone said, "read it!" so I turned down the volume at each of the printed slides to read what they said. I wasn't prepared for that and immediately got choked up on ... sentence 2 of the whole thing? lol I was thinking, "how on earth will I make it through this now that I have to read it?" It turned out fine and I actually only had trouble on the first and last slides - the first being a description of our IVF process, and the last being a big "thank you" to J for making the day possible. :) After that, I gave J a keepsake we had made for her to commemorate the shower. It's a little hard to explain, but it was a silver wall frame with 3 frames hanging down and a silver "plaque" at the top that said, "You have forever showered our family with love." (Get it? "Showered"? A baby shower keepsake? :) We will give her the picture of the four of us when they come in from the studio to put in one, and then one of each baby when they come to put in the others.

I was going to post the video here, but it is too big of a file. Maybe if B can find a way to shrink it, I can share it here.

It was an amazing day I will never forget, thanks to many special friends and family. Here are some pictures:

Party favors - on the cookies, there are two peas in a pod!

The cake:

Two amazing diaper cakes my sister in law made! They are filled with diapers and wash cloths, and hats, and rattles, and all kinds of sweet little things!

B and I at the end of the day:

Breast milk and formula

2008-10-15T12:38:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of our surrogacy, J kindly offered to pump breast milk for the babies. I just couldn't imagine having her do that after all else she is doing for us, so we said we would stick with formula. Recently, J was saying that she would like to donate breast milk since we wouldn't be using it (if you're not aware, there are actually breast milk "banks" and sometimes people just arrange privately too). When I realized that she actually WANTED to pump and give the milk even if we weren't going to use it I said, "we'll take it!" :)

So the last couple of weeks we have been exchanging a flurry of emails about how to make it all work logistically. We are going to give it a try for 4 weeks to start and see how it works out. If it is going well on both ends then we will give it a try for another few weeks, etc. It will be more complicated logistically than only using formula, but since J is willing to do it and since I know breast milk IS best, I decided we should go for it. I'm sure it won't seem too complicated once we start doing it and getting used to it. Basically, we are going to keep as much fresh milk as possible so B will pick it up from J's house twice per week (she only lives about 15 minutes away) to avoid freezing as much as we can (frozen milk is still better than formula, but it loses some of the good benefits). Since we don't know how much J will be producing, we can't exactly plan at this point for what percent will be breast milk vs. formula. We'll just have to play it by ear and basically split however much breast milk we have between babies and feedings and then mix in formula to make the feeding requirements. I'm not very good with ambiguity but it seems everything about babies is a bit ambigous so I'm hanging up the control towel for a while!

I'm actually excited that the babies will have the opportunity for breast milk. I don't think that breast milk is a make it or break it issue, but it's awesome that J has given us this choice. I never felt bad about only formula feeding given our situation, but I do feel good about giving breast milk now, if that makes sense!

We are legally parents now!

2008-10-13T11:16:00.000-07:00

I just received in the mail this weekend our pre-birth order. That means that judgment has been entered making us officially the legal parents of the babies so that we get all possible rights at the hospital and so our names go directly on the birth certificates (in some places they put the surrogate's name on the birth certificate and you have to adopt your babies back). It was cool to read the order because it kept referring to us as the parents of the "twin babies". Even though we are technically parents, I guess I don't think of it like that since we don't have the babies yet. Reading about it made it a little more real. :) B and I were talking about that last night over dinner...it's such a crazy thought that we are two people's parents! It's very hard to grasp without them being here. I'm more used to the thought that we have children than that we are someone's parents, if that makes any sense!

Random smattering of updates

2008-10-11T07:54:00.000-07:00

You can tell my head must be spinning since i haven't posted in a week! :) This may be a bit disjointed, but I'll include a bunch of updates in this one together:

The Nursery:

Last Friday B's parents came over and helped us put together 2 cribs and 2 dressers and hang a bunch of name letters on the wall (a very trying task!). It took us literally all day, but it was so satisfying because the nursery looked so great when we were done! I'm basically on hold to finish it now pending the shower next weekend - I don't want to buy anything else yet in case it was purchased from the registry. We'll finish the decorating after that but here is a one view of the room as it stands now:

OB Appointment:

We had an OB appointment on Tuesday and everything looked great. We didn't get any pictures this time, as it was a fast appointment. We talked more about the delivery with the doctor. She said that because there is always the possibility of a c-section with the second baby, J will be delivering the operating room - even if it is presumed a vaginal birth. In the labor room, there can be 3 extra people, so while she is in that portion of delivery we can be there. But in the operating room only one person can be there, so it looks like we will not get to see the birth after all unless they make a last minute exception (B and I have always agreed that we want to see the babies together and that if only one person could be there, it would be J's husband). Last night we had dinner with J and R though and they pointed out that one of us might want to be the one in there in case any decisions need to be made during the delivery. That's not something we had considered. J says she really doesn't need R in there and is fine if it is one of us. So we may reconsider depending on what the doctor says at our next visit. For example, this might not be as much of an issue if they allow us to wait immediately outside the OR in the hallway because if there are any questions they can get us easily. But, if we are waiting in another room somewhere that would be more difficult. If it is one of us with J, it will be me...B has always felt uncomfortable with the thought of being there during what he says is "the most private moment of someone's life"! I think he would feel even more strange if it were just he and J in there. LOL

Studio Pictures:

Last night we went and had some pictures taken at JC Penneys of all four of us. They came out really nice! We won't get them for another couple of weeks. The girl doing it did her absolute best to come up with a bunch of poses for our situation (she said she had actually done one of these shoots before but that they didn't tell her until later that it was a surrogacy!?!?!). She did go off course a little with one idea and I was laughing so hard at the inappropriateness of the suggestion I almost got tears in my eyes (you have to have gone through infertility I think to understand why this is such a bad suggestion). She said, "Hey, let's do a fun one! How about if you guys rub your bellies together?" OMG! LOL Sure, let's focus on my barren womb in that one!! hahahaha

Pediatrician:

Based on recommendations from people online, I've found a pediatrician nearby with rave reviews. I have an appointment with her on Monday to meet and talk about her office, etc. I'm assuming I will like her so this isn't really an interview, just a meeting so I can explain our situation and find out when we start bringing them in, etc.

Shower:

Next Saturday! I can't believe it's already here! I'm really excited for it - it's so neat to have the opportunity to have so many friends and family all together in one place. That kind of situation - where friends from all areas of your life are together at one time - only happens a few times in your life! And the opportunity to have a baby shower...for us...ONCE in a lifetime!

The Countdown:

Well, we are basically 28 weeks now. This is a milestone for sure! I forgot to mention that the OB said she wouldn't let us go past 38.5 weeks if we get that far. So at the most we have 10 weeks. 10 WEEKS! I don't know if everyone feels this way, but I feel like an individual week goes ridiculously fast. I didn't used to. But to me, 10 weeks means 10 more weekends to get stuff done and that is CRAZY! Average twin delivery is at 36 weeks and that is only 8 WEEKS! And even though the average is 36 weeks, almost everyone I know with twins online delivered more around 34-35 weeks...that is 6 WEEKS! WHAT? 6 WEEKS? Like, 6 Saturdays? I will feel soooo much more prepared after the shower because then I can finish getting anything else and come to a point where I feel like, "OK, done. Ready. Bring the babies now." That point will be great. I keep reading about people who don't do the nursery until after the babies come and I just could never do that! I need to feel like everything is in place and I can't imagine them being here until that happens. Last night at dinner with J and R, we established our "call list" for how they should get ahold of us when going to the hospital. We talked about what we should pack for ourselves and the babies for the hospital. Holy, holy cow. I feel like there should be some major thing that signals the transition from here to when you deliver but there is not - the babies will simply be here one day when they weren't here the day before that...in only 6-10 weeks from now!

Oprah almost gave me a panic attack.

2008-10-03T07:02:00.000-07:00

It's true. Last night I was catching up on my tivo and was watching a recent Oprah about overwhelmed moms. It centered on a mom - a perfectly normal and sweet teacher - who had left her 2 year old sleeping in the car accidentally and forgot her for 8 hours (she would not have normally had her that day so she was going about her normal routine). The little girl was found dead at the end of the day from heatstroke. When you hear her story it is truly something anyone could have done. Slowly, women were calling in or raising their hands to express how overwhelmed they are with being a mom, most of them ending up in tears. It has been my unstated strong fear lately that I will be hugely overwhelmed with this giant change and watching the Oprah suddenly made my heart pound hard. I started getting the sweaty palms and agitation...yes, watching Oprah gave me all the beginnings of a panic attack. I went to bed soon after to avoid it but I woke up this morning and still have the pounding heart effect. A trademark of panic attacks is that they come out of the blue, but I certainly know that Oprah caused this one! Fortunately, this is very mild, but it's making me realize that I do have a lot of suppressed fear about our upcoming arrivals.

Something women talk a lot about when they have babies after infertility is the fact that you feel you have lost the right to have "normal" emotions about pregnancy or having children. Pregnant women feel that if they complain about aches and pains that they are being ungrateful for what they finally have and what many women are still struggling to have. Women with babies feel that if they get frustrated or downright mad at their babies they are being ungrateful too and remind themselves of how they felt for so long. That can be a blessing, actually - when you have worked so hard for something that you are driven to appreciate it much more, it can be a good thing. But a lot of times it brings pressure and guilt when women aren't allowing themselves (or others don't allow them) to have normal emotions that any mom would have.

I guess I have felt subconsciously like that - like *I* should not be allowed to have fears about this and when they creep up I tell myself that. I mean, we certainly have been through enough to get here. Wouldn't I have worked through this before? Well, no, because I was spending all my mental capacity to get pregnant somehow because I knew that's what I wanted, regardless of any latent fears. But the time is moving fast now and I am looking at all the things I want and need to do before the babies come and I am thinking of how little I know about babies first-hand and I'm thinking of having no sleep...and I'm *scared*! Fear of how I will do something new is not something I am used to. I am sort of the stereotypical "go getter". I embrace new things! I go after new things! I excel at new things! But this has always been in the academic and professional realm. I am starting to realize that babies are not even coming close to my realm of experiences in the past. I am scared that...

...I will be completely overwhelmed by the lack of sleep (if I get less than 10 hours, I typically am grumpy...seriously...this is the top of my list and I'm scared - to - death - of - what - this - will - be - like!)

...I will feel like I'm on a gerbil running mill that never stops for me to regroup (eat, play, sleep, eat, play sleep, etc.)

...I will have two babies with difficult temperaments (the books all talk about "those" babies)

...Having twins will be even more overwhelming than moms say having a newborn is to begin with

...It will not come naturally to me as everyone says it will

...There will be times when the babies are inconsolable at the same time and I won't know what to do

...There will be something wrong with one or both of the babies but I won't realize it in time because I know nothing about babies

...They won't like me. Is this a normal mom-to-be emotion? I would guess that any expectant mom without baby experience would feel the preceding things, but this one is a little strange. I think it's possibly normal, but I think it is driven for me by the fact that I have guilt I couldn't "be there" for them to carry them. Now that I know that our embryos have always been good and it's my uterus that has some kind of problem I periodically have thoughts of the embryos rejecting ME. I know this is logically ridiculous, but emotionally it feels like 18 children were given the chance to come into our lives and they turned me down. 18 embryos over 5 cycles did not attach to me for even one day. Yes, I know and understand they do not have the mental capacity to make decisions. But it messes with your head. In reality, it was my body rejecting THEM, which creates a whole other level of guilt. Either way I look at it, it makes me wonder, when two babies are actually here, will they like me? Will they love me? Will they take to me? Will they take to my arms when they wouldn't take to my uterus?

None of this takes away from my excitement. None of this takes away from my intense gratitude to God and to J for these blessings. None of this makes me wish there were even one more day between now and their births for me to prepare. But it feels good to "say it out loud"...that yes, I too have mommy-to-be fears, even when I had to fight like a warrior to get here.

I've spent so much time preparing my head but haven't really had the opportunity to prepare my heart for their arrival. I think when you are physically pregnant that the heart preparation comes along with it; you feel constantly close to them. I feel "heart preparation" when we see them on the ultrasounds or feel J's tummy. When we see them moving on the ultrasound monitor, my heart actually leaps. I *feel* the babies inside my heart; I feel them deeply. My heart actually pounds harder with the intense love I already feel. The couple of times when we have been able to feel the babies from the outside of J's tummy I had that same feeling. It's not that I don't love them outside of those times, it's just that I'm not having that constant interaction which keeps your heart melting over...and over. I instead get glimpses of the heart melt. The rest of the time I am preparing my head, filling it with facts and philosophies and such. That is valuable too, but at this point I need to do more "heart prep". I think this will come from lovingly preparing the nursery and being able to better visualize them here with us (hard to imagine sometimes!). Right now there are only boxes in there holding the cribs and dressers (and then a closet with some miscellaneous things I have bought). In about 1 hour, B's parents will be here to help us put together the furniture. I'm so grateful for their help and that we are going to do this today. I *need* this. I *need* the nursery at this point and wish I had ordered everything sooner (I didn't for fear something would go wrong). The shower is in two weeks, which will add more to the nursery, and then I can shop for anything else and really focus on preparing our babies' home. I think that that "heart time" will be really valuable and treasured for me. I think putting the love and the nurturing into that sweet place is the one thing right now that will make me more confident they will take to my arms when they wouldn't take to my uterus.

Ultrasound and Maternity Tour

2008-09-28T08:07:00.000-07:00

We had a second "big" ultrasound Friday because our hospital likes to do it twice for twins - once around 18 weeks, once around the beginning of the third trimester. We got to see both babies for a while and interestingly both are measuring quite a bit ahead...Nathan was measuring exactly 2 weeks ahead (holy cow - that's a lot at this stage!) and Kenna was measuring more than a week ahead. Kenna was already 2 pounds 5 oz (didn't get Nathan's weight but I'm sure it's more than that). The books I have say this week they MAY weigh as much 1.5 pounds. lol It's surprising to me that our babies are big like this - I'm short and skinny and B is tall and skinny! I guess weight would be partially driven by J's nutrition to them, so she is feeding them very well! The lengths/measurements would be genetic so maybe they are lengthy like B. In any case, it's a good thing because if they are premature, one of the big factors in how preemies do is how much they weigh.

We had the maternity tour yesterday. It was actually really interesting. They did a presentation first to explain what everything was and then we went on the walking tour. The rooms were very nice - I expected labor and delivery rooms to look a lot more like a hospital, but they looked like bedrooms! It was also a bit freaky to think about the big day and how it will all pan out. I'm not someone who likes to figure things out on the fly, but how all this will work with four people involved (J, R, me and B) instead of the usual two (parents), is just not something we can predict. It will depend on a lot of factors and there is no way to get exact answers in advance because it is so unusual (I think we are the first surrogacy at this hospital). I just had to keep telling myself as we were walking through that "it's OK to not be totally in control of this situation". :) I've had to learn a lot of that through all of this so delivery day will be the culmination...my final exam!

In other news, the cribs came finally this week! I was very excited to see them show up on Friday because as of Wednesday the company couldn't even tell me where my order was. B's parents are coming over this Friday to help us put the cribs and dressers together. I CAN'T WAIT to have furniture in the room so we can start to decorate and organize. It's driving me a little crazy right now. I HAVE to have control over something right now, and the preparations are perfect for me to focus on! I have also been reading just about every major baby book - I've finished:

The Baby Whisperer
Babywise
Happiest Baby on the Block
Confident Baby Care (book by the "Supernanny")
I'm a Mom, Now What?
What to Expect in the First Year
Bright from the Start
Twinspiration

All the different perspectives have been helpful (I've been sure to read a range of views)!

OK, now I feel stupid.

2008-09-25T19:49:00.001-07:00

I feel like I need to provide proof we are normal people - not crazy - after admitting something so silly we do around the house!

Here's a picture. See? Nice and normal, right? LOL

Our Nine Year Anniversary

2008-09-25T18:52:00.000-07:00

Today is our nine year anniversary! What an awesome anniversary it is, knowing we are going to add to our family soon! The last two anniversaries were filled with fear (at least for me) that we would never have a family. Last year was doubly hard because we just finished a failed IVF (our fifth). I felt like there was absolutely no hope. I would have been shocked if you told me that by this anniversary we would be three months away from having two babies! It is an awesome, incredible, unbelievable fact.

The vast majority of couples have kids before they are married nine years. We got married when we were pretty young (23 and 24) and didn't start trying for six years into it. Add to that three years of infertility and here we are nine years later. Infertility nightmares aside, I am so grateful for the nine years we have had before children! It is a unique blessing to have had so much time with just the two of us. We are the absolute best of friends and have had the opportunity to do all kinds of fun things focused just on us and what we wanted to do - camping, backpacking, snowboarding, traveling, scuba diving and hundreds of regular 'ol "dates"! In the last 3 years that I've been working from home (B works from home too), I think we've had the most fun ever because we are literally together all the time (fortunately we really are best friends - I think this would drive a lot of people crazy!). If you could see all the stupid things we do at home for amusement when we need a work break, you would think we are completely crazy. OK, OK, I'll share one. Just to show we are truly insane. We will actually pretend to be video game characters that are chasing after each other in the house. Just like in video games, one of us usually gets stuck running against a wall and the other person has to turn that "character" around to get him/her going again. I told you. We are nuts. But we have SO much fun together. B is going to be so embarrassed that I just talked about this in a blog. :)

Given how much time we have had together, we know that adding two babies to the family will be a huge adjustment. But, because we have a great marital foundation, I'm confident we are 100% ready for it. I will always cherish our nine pre-baby years together, but I can't wait for the rest of our lives as a four-member family now. This is an amazing blessing, and it would never have happened without J.

Happy Anniversary B! I love you!
And thank you J for making this the best anniversary ever - WE LOVE YOU!

The "Baby" calendar is getting out of control...

2008-09-23T11:32:00.001-07:00

First, let me say thanks for all the comments about the name issues. :) I think we will end up going back to Kenna, but before we make any kind of announcement again we are going to use the name for a few weeks and see how it "feels". :)

There is a lot coming up in preparation for Nathan and "Kenna"! HOLY COW the calendar has a lot of stuff for two babies that aren't even here yet! Here's a look:

Friday Sept 26 - Another big ultrasound (as opposed to the ultrasounds at the regular visits). This will be to look at all the body parts, do measurements, etc.

Sat Sept 27 - Maternity ward tour! We're going to go on the hospital tour where they show you where the baby will be born, etc.

Friday Oct 3 - Crib and dresser building. The dressers are here but in a thousand pieces. The cribs should be here by that day so we are hoping to build everything all at once.

Friday Oct 7 - Next OB appointment (standard check in)

Friday Oct 10 - Professional pictures! We are going to have pictures taken with J, R, B and I. This should be very interesting. :)

Friday Oct 17 - Next peri appointment (standard check up)

Sat Oct 18 - The baby shower!

Wed Oct 29 - Baby CPR class/infant safety

Thu Nov 6 - Baby care basics class part I

Thu Nov 13 - Baby care basics class part II

...Not to mention all the regular doctor appointments after Oct 17 that haven't been scheduled. We start going weekly around the second week in November.

Oh...and then sometime in December they should actually be born. :)

Name Wavering

2008-09-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

Let me just say first that I feel very sheepish about this post. :)

As soon as we found out the twins were boy and girl, we went through the whole systematic process to come up with names that I wrote about before. We are organizers and planners so for us, we had to decide on names right away so we could start referring to these little people more personally.

Some of you may remember that we had a conflict particularly with the name Kenna. When we first starting trying to conceive we had talked about names and we both loved the name Kenna (I thought I had just made it up but later found that it is a name people do use). It just always stood out to us both and from there on we referred generically to our future child as Kenna. But when we sat down to really decide for sure now that we actually have babies on the way we got scared it was too unusual and didn't want to strap her with something too crazy. We loved the name Nathan and since that was biblical we decided to use Sara instead for the girl (and use Makenna as the middle name since Kenna didn't sound right after Sara). Case closed...we thought. Ever since then we have referred to them as Nathan and Sara and told all our family and friends.

But there is a small problem...I still think of her as Kenna! Literally I can't get Kenna out of my head. When I look at clothes I think, "I should get that for Kenna". When I see her on the ultrasound I think, "Ohhhh there's Kenna!" I feel like that's who she is.

I was scared to mention this to B because he is not the kind of person who likes to change big decisions like this. I thought he would FREAK when I was wavering because we set these in "stone". But I "casually" mentioned this to him over dinner the other night and he said he feels like she is more Kenna too! I was very surprised. We sort of tentatively decided we were going to change the name but left it hanging...it IS a big decision and it was really out of the blue this even came up.

Then we had B's family over yesterday to celebrate his birthday and B told everyone that we might change Sara's name. I was pretty startled by the "announcement" since we hadn't decided for sure and since one of the disuading factors initially was that it's pretty obvious there is no one in B's side of the family or my side of the family who likes the name. I thought as soon as he said it out loud that there would be a table of mental groans with politely enforced semi-smiles (though B's side of the family is much more diplomatic about displeasure than mine - my mom's response to the name originally was "What's that? A Kenna? Isn't that someone's last name?"). It was the kind of thing I would rather send an email about so we didn't have to see/feel all the displeasure. To my shock though my mother in law actually said that she has always thought of her more of a Kenna than a Sara too! My mom absolutely loves the names Nathan and Sara and has told me several times since we picked them. I think she was really relieved we didn't use Kenna. So going back to Kenna means having to hear my mom's strong displeasure about it, I'm sure. UGH.

When we were deciding, I even put a name poll on one of the message boards I go to with "Nathan and Sara", "Nathan and Ella" and "Nathan and Kenna". Nathan and Sara got by far the most votes. Nathan and Kenna...only 15%. This was out of about 80 people or something. So with both of our families not liking the name, with the "public poll" showing people didn't like the name (at least as much as Sara), with us having concerns that the name is too unusual...we chose Sara. But now I feel like we picked a name we both liked that would have the least negative reactions from the world...even though WE love the name Kenna and feel like THAT is her name.

I still don't know the answer to this, if we will change it or not. I'm sure if we stick with Sara that it will be the perfect name for her too. Plus, our plan has always been to have her middle name Makenna...so "Sara Makenna" could always have the nickname "Kenna". We felt like this was the best of both worlds. And it still may be. We're just not sure.

Ultrasound Pics

2008-09-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

I said I would post them so here you go!

Nathan:

Sara:

I think in Sara's picture it looks like she has a cat paw for a foot! LOL

Peri appointment

2008-09-16T16:32:00.000-07:00

We had a peri appointment this morning and I'm happy to report there is ... nothing to report! No news is good news at this point. :) The babies both looked great. The Dr. actually measured them this time, which hasn't been done in several weeks. She said they were measuring almost identically, which is a good thing (you don't want one twin to grow significantly smaller or bigger). They are also measuring a few days ahead, so we are on schedule plus some! I have to scan the couple of pictures we got of their faces. I could totally tell the difference since the last ultrasounds. The one 2 weeks ago we really didn't see much of them; it was very quick and we saw mostly heads and legs. So it had been 4 weeks since we really saw the faces and I could totally tell how much they had filled out - they had real baby features! It was sooooo awesome. There was one shot of Sara in particular that looked so newborn like that it brought tears to my eyes. We also saw the bottom of the butt/legs shot that they look at to see gender - I never see what they are looking at to tell, but today we got a shot of Nathan and I was like, "oh my gosh! it's definitely a little boy!!" LOL Clear as day. :) I just can't believe how they look like little babies.

In other news, our baby bedding sets came! They are SO cute! Even cuter than in the pictures. Each of the little animals in the quilt has it's own fur (it's not just fabric). I'm dying to get the cribs now so we can start putting everything together!

I can't wait for Sunday!

2008-09-12T11:13:00.001-07:00

On Sunday we will hit a big milestone...24 weeks! It's a big milestone for 2 reasons:

1) Since twins are on average born at 36 weeks, each "twin" trimester is about 12 weeks...meaning Sunday puts us in a pseudo-third trimester already! Holy cow!

2) It's the first viability milestone. While 20 weeks is a milestone because it is half the pregnancy, 24 weeks is considered the entry point into viability should the babies come early. Babies born at this point have a 50% chance of survival like I mentioned in my last post. I can't believe we are getting to the point now where from here on out the babies could actually survive if something did force them to come early. 28 weeks is even bigger though - in just 4 weeks from now they will have a 90% chance of survival! WOW! Our shower will be in the 28th week too so it will be an exciting time!

I know that there are plenty of twin moms who actually have full term twins (37 weeks+) but with half of all twins born before 36 weeks, there is a good chance the babies could even be born in November. In fact, I see people everyday online on the message boards I go to post about twin births and I can only think of a couple ever who had their babies after 36 weeks. It seems really common that twins come before that and require NICU time. A lot of otherwise normal twin pregnancies are known to get complicated after the 24th week. So with all these things floating through my head I'm super excited (can you tell with how frequently I've been posting?!) and getting a bit nervous too. I'm mentally transitioning from "will these babies actually stick around?" to "will these babies come safely?" So far everything has looked so great so hopefully we will be one of the lucky ones making it to the 37 week mark (December 14).

In the meantime, hooray for 24 weeks - I can't wait to see my ticker turn over!

I bought something off my own registry!

2008-09-10T16:55:00.000-07:00

OK, this is embarrassing to admit, but I actually bought something off my own registry last night. :) The nursery theme we picked (bedding and all the matching decor) is only available through 3 or 4 places online. We registered for almost everything we needed at Babies R Us, but they didn't have the nursery theme so we had to register at Amazon for the nursery stuff. Well, Amazon only had 2 left of the bedding sets we want - and we need 2! I don't know how many people out there are contemplating using this "Good Night Sleep Tight" theme, but I didn't want to take any chances by waiting to see if we got them for our shower (mid October). There is a lot more inventory of the decorative items like wall art, frame, laundry hamper, etc. so I'm not as worried about those. I actually woke up the other night worried that if I didn't buy the bedding sets myself we might end up getting the decorations and then not be able to find the bedding anywhere! So, yes, I ended up buying 2 bedding sets, complete with sheet, ruffle, bumper, quilt, valance and diaper stacker in each set. :) I feel much more relieved now! Here is a picture of the stock photo of the theme (NOT a picture of our own nursery, which is currently completely empty!!):

We liked that it didn't look too boyish or too girlish, that it was peaceful (for all that sleep we want them to do!), and that it had animals (B and I both love animals). I can't wait for it to get here! The dressers have arrived (have to put them together still) but the cribs won't come for another 3 weeks. October 3 we have set aside the day to do all our building!

Parenting lines in the sand

2008-09-09T08:04:00.000-07:00

So, writing that last blog made me think about something else I have been meaning to write about - why are there so many parenting lines in the sand? I suppose I can answer my own question. It's like politics and religion. When there is some big life topic that everyone can chime in on regardless of who you are, where you live, what you look like, etc., people get fierce! Common ground is ground that people will naturally fight over. If I work in marketing, chances are I don't end up engaging in many contentious conversations with regular people over marketing because that would be my expertise and not theirs. If someone else is a professional athlete, chances are they don't end up engaging with many contentious coversations with regular people over their sport because that would be their expertise and not everyone else's. In both cases, you would end up in contentious conversations (at times) with people within marketing or within athletics because they are people on common ground and therefore have had the opportunity to develop what they consider educated opinions. When you take topics that an entire world is on common ground with, and therefore has had the opportunity to form opinions on, watch out! That's why they say to never discuss religion and politics in polite company! I see the same thing with parenting. Everyone comes to a conclusion about how things should be done and most of those people feel compelled to tell you why it should be done their way. If you look at the comments on my last post, you can see that it's a common experience for a new parent - opinions and advice coming constantly, and it never stops!

I've also seen silent awkwardness so many times when one parent disagrees with another. It's like there are certain issues that people see as two-camp issues and as soon as you put yourself in a camp you are forever classified by others as in that camp. Some examples:

No children vs. children
This one goes through an interesting transition with age. Into the early and even mid 20s, if you HAVE children, you are in the ostracized camp of "they can't go out anymore". It's a negative thing. There is a happy middle period somewhere in the late 20s where it is a mix and people have started to have kids and those who haven't are open to it so the camps are happy. But then the shift...most people are having kids and find new common ground, so if you don't have kids, you no longer relate and slowly get pushed away. By the time that you get significantly older, when you say you don't have kids people immediately wonder why - could you not have kids? Do you hate kids? If you hate kids, do you hate my kids? I do this too, I guess it's just natural. I've only known a few older couples without kids and I always wonder, "why?" But that is so obnoxious because it presumes that the children path is naturally what everyone wants. I remember meeting a man once who was probably 50 or so and he said that he and his wife had never wanted kids...but that there weren't many people his age who weren't child centered so they generally hung out with bands and people in their 20s. Children become such a point of relating or not relating that by that time there is one big line in the sand between people (although usually not a contentious one in this case).

Breastfeeding vs. formula feeding
Oh good grief, this is a big one. Honestly? I didn't even know that breastfeeding was something mainstream in 2008 before we were expecting. I had seen people do it in my life and knew that some people did but I never imagined that it was something that most people did now (I always thought of it as something from the past). But then the books, nurses and online message boards were unleashed. They all tell you that breastfeeding is far superior and that it is not a good decision to just formula feed. At the preterm labor class the nurse giving the class said something like, "I hope I don't have to tell any of you that you are GOING to breastfeed!" (while waving her finger in the air). Yes, I could try to induce lactation and try to breastfeed, but it is only about 57% successful and especially hard with twins. The stress of trying to make that work in the middle of stress of everything else is just not worth it for me. But plenty of people would think that I'm a selfish bad mom already because of the statement "not worth it for ME". (I would say, yes, I need to think about me - if I'm five times more stressed out, frazzled and impatient on a daily basis over trying to make that work, or feeling like a failure, it will impact the babies far more than missing the added antibodies from formula.) People feel very strongly about this and it's another one of those two camp things - you are either here or there, and you are labeled immediately.

Child-led parenting vs. parent-led parenting
This is what I was talking about in my last post. I hate to do either approach injustice by simplifying to this degree, but without going into the detail that entire books are written on of these two approaches, let's just call this "those who believe in a strict form of disciplined parenting" and "those who believe in a non-strict, less disciplined form of parenting". This is the BIG line in the sand. If a strict parent sees an out of control child, major judgments about the parents are immediately made. If a non-strict parent sees a child being reprimanded for seemingly small issues, more major judgments are immediately made.

Does anyone watch Wife Swap? You see this all the time on there. A "laid back" mom will see that a family makes their kids do chores and will cry because she feels it is so bad. A strict mom will see that a family has no control of their kids and SHE will cry because she feels they are not learning what kids learn. People (rightfully so) take parenting philosophies seriously. The problem is, the two different camps are SO different in execution that when you know someone is in the "other" camp, you know they probably disagree completely with how you raise your kids and are judging you, which then puts you on the defensive. It's a never ending cycle that goes both ways.

I admit that I'm guilty of this already - I know my own philosophy and by virtue of the fact that I've arrived at a philosophy, I believe it makes more sense than the other side. I know I will have to watch myself so that I do not act in a condescending way to anyone with other beliefs...because I know it will drive me crazy when others act that way to me.

Stay at home moms vs. working moms
This is a HUGE one. People always ask which one you are or are planning to be. Stay at home moms usually view working moms either in a way that they feel sorry for them (if they need to work) or that they are being selfish (if they choose to work). Working moms usually view stay at home moms as having an unintellectual, easy job. Even though all moms have something major in common, I really feel like these two camps separate themselves in a huge way! Stay at home moms can get together during the day with others like them, so they naturally form more bonds. Working moms usually can't participate in those kinds of activities as much. I still don't know what I'm going to do in this particular area, but I am well aware that it has major implications either way, and I don't think there is one perfect solution - either is a sacrifice.

Home school vs. public school vs. private school
I picked up a local family magazine the other day (one of those freebies in the bins at the store). I was blown away by the options for schooling that were advertised! You can enroll your 3 month old baby in music classes at some local conservatory. What?! I grew up in Arizona, where there is a good public school system, and pretty much everyone goes there. There were 2 major private schools that some people went to but it wasn't the norm. In California, where we live now, the schools supposedly aren't good (I say supposedly because I can't conceptualize why exactly an entire school system would be considered bad, but so many people say this I have to assume it is true). A LOT of people go to private school here. My cousin taught at one that costs $24k per year (high school)! Then you have the whole home school option which people generally feel strongly about either way (another big issue on Wife Swap!). From what I think right now, home schooling wouldn't be my choice, and private schooling wouldn't be my choice unless absolutely necessary (if our school district is horrible). But I understand why others pick those options!

***
Everyone wants to do what is best for their kids. So, everyone comes to a conclusion on what that is. When others come to different conclusions and you know that they too want what is best for their kids, it is natural to become defensive of choices. I just wish that it weren't so obvious so much of the time.

This is driving me crazy.

2008-09-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

There are two comments that I get frequently from people that are making me jump out of my skin. It just happened again right now and I'm so frustrated that the only thing I can do is come vent on my blog. WARNING: I am sort of angry right now. :)

Comment 1: "You have no idea what you're in for." (negative connotation)

Really? I have no idea? I haven't had long enough to conceptualize over the last few years whether I want to have kids or not have kids? I have an ideal that my babies will never cry, that I will not be sleep deprived and that I will constantly have a smile on my face? NO! Millions and millions of humans have had babies and guess what...they survived! And they chose to have MORE kids! You know why? Because even if it is extremely difficult for a while at first, they find that it is rewarding, meaningful, and a worthwhile life pursuit. The funny thing is, these comments always come from people with older children or adult children. I don't think any parents of young kids have ever made this comment. You would think people with older children would have MORE perspective on this, but instead they feel the need to be negative. I find the comment so condescending, but it gets even worse. Since I am generally put off by it and don't want to be as rude as the person who just said it was, I usually say something in response like, "Well, I do have a little idea. I have a reading stack a mile high and am continually learning as much as possible so I have a general understanding of what happens - feeding schedules, pooping "events", health concerns, burping techniques, etc." This is usually responded to with some version of "oh, you can never learn all that stuff from a book, the books will all go out the window" and a condescending laugh. I KNOW I am not experiencing the actual event and that it is theoretical right now. But I sure am learning a lot that I otherwise would never have known about babies, and I sure do have a general knowledge of what is going to happen. I do not know why anyone would be so negative about someone reading books to prepare. I CAN'T IMAGINE not knowing what I have read in these books and just having a baby. That to me would be insane. That to me would warrant a comment of "You have no idea what you are in for". I guess what irks me is that it seems so personal when someone says it - like that they think something specific to me makes it such that *I* have no idea what I'm in for. Otherwise, why would anyone bother to point this out? Does any new mom have any idea what she is in for? Of course not, so why bother to point it out? WHY do people keep saying this?

Comment 2: "Just wait until you have kids of your own."

It's inevitable that people engage you in conversations about your parenting philosophy when you are expecting. I think I am officially putting a ban on any more of these conversations because people's responses irk me so much. When you start to say your beliefs about how you want to raise your kids, your ideas on discipline, etc., it's sort of your personal ideal. You don't expect that kids will be perfect all the time, but you do plan to work toward that. At least I do. (I don't believe in parenting on the fly.) If I were in the camp of "child-centered parenting" (the buzz word right now), I am positive that no one would say "Just wait until you have kids of your own"...because quite honestly, it's an easier approach to live up to - you do (in general) what will make your child happiest, based on their desires. But as soon as you hint that you plan to do "parent-led parenting", that you will adhere to schedules, routines, focused discipline, a strong set of values, etc., it's over..."just wait until you have kids of your own". Soooo many parents just give up because it IS so hard and exhausting. I think I will get even more frazzled than others and am the first to admit it...but I won't give up on my ideals if it kills me. I will just keep working toward them. In fact, J is my total and complete mommy hero. I'm not saying that because of what she is doing for us - it is pure coincidence that we see eye to eye on how children should be raised. I see her practicing what she preaches all the time. I feel GLEEFUL when I see it because it shows it CAN be done! Her kids aren't perfect, as no kids are. But her kids are truly remarkable for their age in their behavior, manners, attitude, everything. When B and I see crazy kids when we are out somewhere, we often implement the WWJD conversation ... "What would J do?" LOL No one can tell me that parent-led parenting is too difficult...because I see it all the time when I'm with J. And it works. J writes a parenting blog with her takes on things (www.lifentheshoe.blogspot.com) and I agree so wholeheartedly with everything she writes that I generally want to shout, "AMEN!" by the time I finish reading a new post!

What I am trying to say is that I am NOT in denial about the difficulty of our desired parenting approach (B and I see 100% eye to eye also), but it is with certainty that I can say I will always work toward our ideals, even when the going gets tough.

Fall is here?!

2008-09-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

My absolute favorite time of year is September through December! I love summer too, but I love decorating our house for fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, making holiday recipes, and watching college football. It is so awesome to have 3 big holiday months in a row, with September being the start of the football season. So...I'm excited it's September.

I have to say though that when I turned my calendar Monday I was a little shocked. It's September already?! WHERE did summer go? Even looking back through my Outlook calendar to see what all happened over the last 3 months I can't figure it out. We even went on a great vacation to the caribbean in June, but that seems like eons ago! It's really mind boggling to think it was all a blur...and that it was our last summer before kids. Next summer we can take our babies to the pool! I'm really bummed that we only went camping once (Memorial Day, and it snowed) and didn't even manage to go backpacking because there were so many other things going on. But then again, if I were pregnant, we couldn't have done it, so I have to look at it that way - the first stage of having kids. :)

So, the last couple of days I sort of felt sad looking back at a summer I can hardly remember, but now I'm excited for it to turn fall in a couple of weeks...because that is the season Nathan and Sara will probably come! I have to bust out my decorative pumpkins all over the house soon. Last year, the cable guy came over in October and I had all my Halloween decor up. He was like, "oh, you must have kids!" LOL "No, I just like cutesy holiday decorations on my own". :) If you check out http://www.terrysvillage.com/ you'll see the kind of stuff I mean! Like, how cute are ceramic ghosts?! http://www.terrysvillage.com/ui/browse/processRequest.do?demandPrefix=12&sku=93/201&prodCatId=163292&mode=Browsing&erec=13&Ne=90000&sp=true&Ntk=all&Ntx=mode%2bmatchallpartial&N=163292&tabId=HolidayDecor&requestURI=processProductsCatalog&sd=Ghosts+with+Pumpkins
I have two sets of those and put one set on my desk every year for October!

I know, it's a bit hoaky, but I just love this stuff. :) I am going to go crazy for Christmas since we'll hopefully be bringing the babies home by then and I want to make it feel like our own little winter wonderland! (Of course B, being the practical person he is, warned me not to go too crazy because I won't feel like taking stuff down when there are 2 newborns and we'll have Christmas up still in March. OK, OK, good point, but I'll deal with that later, for now, CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS!)

Small Update

2008-09-02T19:50:00.000-07:00

We had an OB appointment this morning and got a look at the babies - this was the first appointment that they didn't give us any pictures though, so I don't have anything to show! :) The babies both looked great and were moving around a lot. I'm always so amazed to see how much activity goes on in there. Sara is still head down but now Nathan is breech. We are all hoping that he will get straightened out the right way by December, because otherwise the doctor wants J to have a c-section (which she really doesn't want!).

The doctor reminded us that we only have a week and a half until viability! At 24 weeks, if the babies were born, they have a 50/50 chance of survival. It's the first big "viability milestone"...even though you don't want them to be born that early it's nice to know they even have a chance. Then, 28 weeks and 32 weeks are the next big ones.

In other news, we had a very productive weekend - finally switched my office with the nursery so we have a big open room to create a nursery in, and ordered cribs and dressers! Hooray! Now, if we could just decide on a theme...